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how to be?

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mofoka69

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Hey guys,

I recently to came out to most of my friends. I am happy about that and I am glad I did it. But that is not the problem. I thought that coming out would solve everything. But now that I came out, something else came up.

My friends (they never do anything to harm me intentionally) tell me often that I don't act gay. And I like that I don't fit in the stereotypical flamboyant and effeminate guys (not that I have anything against them). But that is not who I would like to be. But my friend asked me a question today that stuck with me.

If I am gay and don't "act" gay, how am I supposed to meet other gay guys. And does me not being flamboyant take anything away from me being a homosexual? Does that make me less of a homosexual? Honestly what it came down to is my personal identity. I thought I had finally discovered myself all over again, but feel like I'm losing what I came to hold a grasp of.

I am quickly falling back in my confused state not being able to label myself. I am probably not explaining myself properly here. I wouldn't be able to in person either. But it feels like I am not who I am. Does it make sense that I can be a gay man and not be effeminate? Though it may be a dumb question, I seem to be struggling with it.

I guess the question is really.... how do I be gay?

sorry for the long post and thank you for the reply in advance guys,
You guys are awesome.

confused and losing myself,
Mofoka69
 
Unfortunately, the sterotype of a gay guy is a swishy, effeminate, girly guy. Yes, there are many gay guys like that, but there are an equal number--if not more, guys like yourself who prefer to look and act like a man. There is nothing wrong with either one as long as you are comfortable with it. I know several of the swishy types who would give anything if they could be more manly. I don't know many who are manly and want to be swishy. Be who you are comfortable being.
 
"Like a man!!!!!!?" What is that suppose to mean? And, once again, HELLOOOO, it was the fucking drag queens and butch dykes who began our movement at Stonewall. We have a big tent, Mary. Get under it. Get to know all sorts of people. Have fun with it. If there are millions of ways to be straight, the same holds true for us. Don't let internalized homophobia do you in.
 
mofoka69 said:
If I am gay and don't "act" gay, how am I supposed to meet other gay guys. And does me not being flamboyant take anything away from me being a homosexual? Does that make me less of a homosexual? Honestly what it came down to is my personal identity. I thought I had finally discovered myself all over again, but feel like I'm losing what I came to hold a grasp of.
Click to expand...

The only way that your friends would know whether you "act gay" would be if they were to observe you making out with a guy.

You live in a country that shouldn't have stereotypical concepts of what a gay person and straight person "act" like.

Nor should anyone think that being flamboyant is a way to let other gay guys know that you're gay.

Hopefully most of this will be solved if you get out a bit and meet other guys like you. Most of us aren't stereotypical.
 
Actual conversation between two of my coworkers:

A: I think Lex might be gay.
B: Really? What gave you that idea? Was it when he was making out with his boyfriend at the Christmas party last night?

Being gay means you dig guys. That's it. You don't have to put an extra spring in your step or don the rainbow short-shorts or start being bitchy. So how do you meet other gay guys if you don't act gay? You just let people know you ARE gay. You keep meeting people the way you always have, and find a chance to let them know you're gay at some point. A stray comment like "I've been trying to find a boyfriend, but haven't been having much luck" is all it takes.

Lex
 
If you just act like yourself, you'll be acting gay.

You don't have to act like your friends want you to act.

In fact there is nothing still so ridiculous as watching kids behave like they think they have to in order to be accepted into a 'tribe'.

Be at peace with yourself and enjoy the fact that you don't fit a stereotype.
 
thank you guys! i feel a little better now. I guess I really just have to go out more and meet people... the idea of that just came to me because i only know about 4 gay guys...and all 4 of them are pretty girly/flamboyant. I guess I am just falling victim to the media and how it portrays gay people. Really gonna have to do research before I freak out next time.

And SoreKnees, I did not mean that in any offensive ways. It's not that I don't like girly guys or do I see them as anything bad. It is just that I am not that kind of a guy and don't want to be. I was just scared that I had to compromise being me in order to be gay.

Again thanx guys, it helped!

JUB rocks! :D
 
mofoka69 said:
thank you guys! i feel a little better now. I guess I really just have to go out more and meet people... the idea of that just came to me because i only know about 4 gay guys...and all 4 of them are pretty girly/flamboyant.
Click to expand...

Odds are you know more than 4. You just don't realize that they're gay.
 
>>>Odds are you know more than 4. You just don't realize that they're gay.

QFT.

To give a lame analogy. Say you like a band. And say the band has only one T-shirt - an ugly bright pink affair with their name scrawled across it. You might think "I'd like to meet more people who like this band, but it seems all I find are these people with lousy fashion sense." Well, no. They're just the ones sporting the T-shirt. Not everyone who likes the band is wearing the T-shirt. And not everyone who is gay "acts gay". They're just the easiest ones to spot and/or pick out of a crowd.

Lex
 
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