How to bring it up?

[secondmonkey]

I'm hoping to come out to my best friend soon. I've already written him an email and saved it, but I'm not sure if I want to do it that way. I really can't think of a good way to say it face to face though...it's not like I can just say "could you hand me another beer, and oh yeah, I'm gay". Any suggestions on bringing it up in a normal conversation? Sexuality in general never comes up much with us...

 

[M4P]

I think coming out to a family member or friend is best in person

There really aren't any great opening lines that I can think of. If I remember correctly, I was pretty much lead into the conversation by my family and friends

You might just try something simple like "there is something I would like to tell you..."

Good luck

 

[JackFTwist]

"could you hand me another beer, and oh yeah, I'm gay"

not being flip, that actually works quite well

I tried the long tortured life history self evaluation of every thought since consciousness approach a few times with degrees of the shock of self discovery and time testing to see if was all real etc etc etc etc

boring, lengthy, who cares, bored me and was much to much explanation

my best friend, my closest friends, basically took the fact statement "oh, by the way, I am gay" and asked what questions they had which were few and we went on to other subjects

I was a bit older though when we had those conversations, I can imagine if we had all been younger there might have some different thoughts on it but still for my best friends it was no big deal and no one ever had a bad reaction, I lost a few friends along the way but not anyone I cared about, and that was their problem

and honestly the only reaction from a friend that I can remember was a close friend who told me that I had to tell her husband in a few days since she didn't feel comfortable living with that secret without telling him since they had no secrets - I wrote him a short letter since I wouldn't be seeing him and that was the only time I wrote it out - he got the letter and never said a word, next time I saw him and forever after it was just as it always was

that I can't remember any other reactions tells me that it was no big deal for them, just for me to say it.

My father had the best reaction - he paused, and then said, "you aren't the only one in the family." I asked him who, he said it was not my business, and that was that. (I am suspicious of an aunt... but then, I always was with her)

any for my friends - they hated my now ex-partner (they had their reasons), told me I could do better (they were right that that had to end) and have always been cool with my talking about guys I meet and have hopes for - but that is just one of many things we talk about, when we talk sports, movies, family, politics, life, whatever we always talk (and talked) about

relax - it is a bigger deal to you than to the people who love you

 

[Orlandude]

I would also agree that it is better in person, face to face. The bad thing about e-mail is that it is missing the human dynamic and can also be misinterpreted or blown off as "he must have been drunk or something" to write that. Face to face allows for no misinterpretation. You just say it like it is. I am usually very matter-of-fact about it. In my mind, there is no issue. It's just the naked truth. If you make it an issue, the person you are telling will see it as an issue. When they see that you are totally comfortable about it, it seems to lessen their surprise/reaction. My opinion. The last person I told (a straight friend), in the course of conversation, asked me when I was going to find a girl and settle down. I told him that wasn't going to happen and when he asked why, I simply smiled, looked him square in the eyes and said "because I'm gay". All he said was "Oh really? That's cool." We have remained friends ever since and nothing has changed except now he knows and I feel a whole lot better that he does.

 

[JackFTwist]

I simply smiled, looked him square in the eyes and said "because I'm gay". All he said was "Oh really? That's cool." We have remained friends ever since and nothing has changed except now he knows and I feel a whole lot better that he does.

And that is I bet the norm. It is not as big a deal as we think it is unless you are telling your wife.

 

[M4P]

Here's how it went with my brother and I:

He: Someday you'll meet the right woman

Me: No, I can't see that happening

He: Sure you will

Me: It's not in the cards

He: What do you mean by that?

Me: Because I'm gay

He: I knew that

 

[Soilwork]

the "Pass me a beer.. I'm gay" thing actaully works pretty well.

 

[DiverDude]

my old roommate asked me not to come back once I told him I was gay. When my mom asked my why I couldn't live with Garrett anymore, I told her it was because he wanted a hetero roommate. She replied, "Oh, well maybe you can get a nicer dorm this time around."

Everyone I've told has been totally kosher with it (including my friends who are really homophobic). Your friends know who you are, and because they learn something about you won't change you as a person. I think that's why most of the time everyone is fine with it. My best friend is very anti-gay, but supports me a lot. He said that just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I'm any different from when I was "straight," or so everyone thought.

Just don't grab him or anything. You'll be fine.

 

[secondmonkey]

The last person I told (a straight friend), in the course of conversation, asked me when I was going to find a girl and settle down. I told him that wasn't going to happen and when he asked why, I simply smiled, looked him square in the eyes and said "because I'm gay".

I've been looking for an opportunity like that, but I think I'm just waiting for a perfect time that isn't going to happen. I know it probably won't be a big deal to him, and I definately don't think he'll have a problem with it, but it is a big deal for me. This is something I've tried very hard to hide from him for about the last 15 years or so. I also suspect that he may be gay due to the fact that women NEVER ever come up in our conversations, and I want to give him a good opportunity to come out if he's going to. As much as I don't want to talk about it with him, I don't want him to just say "oh, ok" and not talk about it anymore, and he tends to gloss over when sensitive subjects come up. That's why I want to send an email, I can say alot more than I will in person, but I also want to see his reaction. I'll probably just say something like "I have to tell you something", but I wanted to be a little more creative than that...

 

[luminum]

I came out to my best friend via instant messaging and I still wish I had the guts to tell him personally.

I think you should hang out with him and tell him that you have something to talk about with him.

Let him know that you're telling him because he's your friend and deserves your trust. Then tell him you're gay.

And when you do, ask him if he has any questions so you can engage him and he has an opportunity to voice any questions he might feel embarrassed bring up later. It allows you to have a discourse and understand each other.

You can do it. Your friendship is deserving of so much more than an email.

 

[secondmonkey]

Alright, I told him that I have something important to tell him next time I see him. Can't change my mind now!

 

[RicanDAB]

Secondmonkey,

I'm hoping the best comes your way ... I know it's hard! I am in the same boat.

But my question for everyone else is: how do you best handle the coming out when your friend is hundreds of miles away?