How to classify my sexuality?

[Nooga17]

When I was younger, people used "gay" as an insult. I never though I was attracted to men until people started calling me "gay." I started to doubt myself, but I didn't find myself looking at men, and I did find myself looking at women. I never really thought much into it after that. In High School, I liked to argue. It was a small, Christian town, and I defended gay rights and homosexuality as perfectly acceptable. I still thought of myself as straight.

Now I'm a virgin at 21. I know there is a biological component to sexuality, but I can't rule out the possibility that sexuality is partially environmental. Someone I know said "as long as I get off," I don't care. I thought it was an interesting point of view. As long as one doesn't find men disgusting, in some way, it seems acceptable to engage in homosexual acts. I've also started taking some medications for my depression that have increased my sex drive and its made me more easily aroused. So what is available to categorize my sexuality, I will put below. I know many people object to categories, but I find them interesting. They also provide a sense of comfort for me.

1. I find the vast majority of women sexually attractive. I would say I probably find more women sexually attractive than most men.
2. For the most part, I don't find myself (at least that I am aware of) randomly checking out men, except in rare cases. It happens all the time with women.,
3. I can enjoy homosexual pornography.
4. The pornography I watch the most involves male/female oral sex.
5. I am made uncomfortable thinking of most men sexually. I prefer muscular to thin weight, not an overly aggressive face, not bald. These are all things that lean towards feminine traits. If I had to pick, I do prefer men who look feminine.
6. The idea of being a top does not interest me a lot, but I'll try most things.
7. Receiving anal sex appeals to me.
8. Receiving oral sex from a male appeals to me slightly.
9. Giving oral sex appeals to me.
10. Even though I am very open-minded, the idea of classifying myself as bisexual makes me uncomfortable.

Now here is the weird part. When I'm already aroused, I find myself having totally different reactions to homosexuality. If I'm watching a straight porn involving oral sex, the idea of giving oral appeals to me "a lot." I can fantasize about men if I am already aroused, and it seems as great as anything else. To be honest, though, I think part of it is the idea that I am flaunting social norms.

Why would I almost become more sympathetic to homosexual acts when I'm already aroused? It's almost like I could call myself "bisexual when aroused" with a slight leaning towards women. I'd say this leaning is fairly significant when I'm not aroused.

 

[Lube]

Straight guys don't come up with 10-point bulleted lists of why they're straight.

'Nuf said.

 

[KaraBulut]

How to classify my sexuality?

You are whatever you say you are. No one can "classify" your sexuality- except you.

However, I will congratulate you on your first post... at JustUsBoys.com Gay Community. All are welcome here, though.

 

[Seasoned]

Let me know what medication you're on. Most treatments for depression reduce sexual function. You'll have to classify yourself. The only environmental influence I can see regarding sexuality is what is considered acceptable. Experimentation and self identfying as bisexual seems to be gaining acceptance at least is some circles.

 

[Nooga17]

Why does this make you uncomfortable? You say you are open-minded. Is there some other reason why you do not want to refer to yourself as "bisexual"? If not, maybe you are not as open-minded as you thought. Do you know others who are gay/bisexual? What are your feelings about them?

As is often said here, sexuality is very fluid and dynamic. What you describe is technically "bisexuality", though probably towards the more "heterosexual" end (if we used the Kinsey scale).

In terms of you virginity/lack of sexual activity - do you have opportunities to engage in sex (either guys or girls)? If so, then what is wrong with experimenting and finding out what you really like instead of what you think you might lack. If no, then I would suggest taking steps to get more socially involved and give yourself the chances to have sexual experiences. There are many cases of people NOT dealing with their sexuality and having life problems because of it. When they do reconcile their feelings, they wish they had done so sooner. We (I am 22) are at a time in our lives where we should be figuring out who we are - how do we know what we like if we do not experience it?

Why do you feel the need to label yourself one way or another? Go with the flow and see what happens.

I guess it depends on how you define open-minded. I'm mostly just afraid of discrimination. It's pretty easy being a straight, white, middle-class man. As for the virginity, most of it is from being anti-social. Also, I seem to have an attachment (perhaps irrational) to the idea of losing my virginity to someone I love - even though I'm not religious, which makes me skeptical of whether I'm being reasonable. Yeah, I probably should start working on being more social or something.

Thanks

Edit:

I'm on Celexa, 40 mg, Modafinil 400mg, occasional use of Adderall (recent), and Wellbutrin 450mg. The Wellbutrin is causing the increased sex drive.

 

[rareboy]

The depression and meds may have a lot to do with your expression of sexual desires.

The meds may be just unlocking desires that are deep seated and you may want to get some counselling to help you sort this out,

But if it isn't a problem for you, why worry about it? Just accept it for what it is.

If you have the opportunity, experiment. If you like it great. If not, no real harm done.

 

[Nooga17]

If you use the excuse that it's culturally or socially "easier" not to be bi or gay and so deny your feelings or desires, then you are going to live a very emotionally deprived life. You may end up with an "ideal" life of a wife, 2.5 children, and a $75k/year job, but in the end you will not be a happy and fulfilled person.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or other similar mental health professional about your depression, or are you just going to some guy every few months who adjusts your med dosage? There is a difference between treating the symptoms of depression and actually dealing with the root causes. Perhaps your conflicting emotions are contributing to your depression. You may find it helpful to talk about your feelings with someone in a confidential setting where you can really hash out what is going on.

Your romantic view of your first time is something I can't help you with. If that's how you want it, then okay, but you may be disappointed. I felt the same way until I got toasted one night and went home with a friend of mine with whom I had no romantic feelings for. The sex was fucking AMAZING and in the end I didn't regret not having my first time with someone I was in love with.

There are many social settings where you can dictate the terms of interaction. Being social does not necessarily mean going to a bar or club. Museums, galleries, athletic groups, and academic clubs are all places where you can meet people on your terms. Are you in school? If you are at a large college there are often many dozens of special interest intramural and student activities groups where you can be comfortable doing something you are interested in and only interact with others if and when you want to.

Well, I wouldn't deprive myself. I just don't know what to make of the whole situation. I guess I'll just take things as they happen. I'll take that into account when it comes to virginity. To be fair, though, he was at least a friend. That's a bit preferable to, say, meeting some random person somewhere.

I'm seeing a Psychiatrist, but we mostly deal with medication. To be fair, the root causes of depression aren't always problems in life. Sometimes its genetics. We do work on other things, though.

Yeah, I'm in college so I can try and get more involved in certain activities. I just tend to mainly prefer relaxing at home to going out and doing something with others. I don't know why. But yeah, there are things I can do there.

 

[Shawn1]

Must you? Classifications can be so limiting....

 

[Xzilla7]

If you grew up in the United States, you got called gay constantly whether or not you actually were. While hindsight may be 20/20, perception isn't. We can all look back and say "so many people called me gay when I was growing up", but that doesn't mean they actually thought you were. If you were to tell them their response would most likely be that they didn't know you were literally homosexual.

It's also natural to think that you support for gay rights is only because you are actually gay. I had this thought too, and have lamented that people might not take me seriously about gay rights now because I am gay (lol). But remember that many straight people, especially the young generation, support gay rights and it is mere coincidence that you just so happened to be gay. Think of how many gay people are actually anti-gay rights and end up with deep self-loathing and become "normal" by getting a wife and kids or becoming a Republican politician.

 

[Telstra]

according to your post,
your are gay to bi.

 

[wunderboi]

dude.... i hate when people post this kind of stuff.... labels are nothing but bullshit. dont bother labeling yourself as STRAIGHT or GAY or BI beacuse in the longrun, everyone is either just a little bit bi, or a lot bi. its called the kinsey scale. 0 is completely totally straight, 6 is completely totally gay. 95% of all recipients of the kinsey test were between 1 and 5. what does that tell you?


it doesnt matter what you get off to, some people have certain preferences as to how or what they get off to, but that shouldnt classify you into a stupid label. the only reason i consider myself bi is because it's easier to explain than queer theory. i could go on and on and on.... but just realize that you dont have to blend into 3 defined groups. you are a HUMAN, not a piece of paper.

 

[Lube]

This thread on labels is an interesting read.

 

[El Divo]

Good sir..I absolutely hate labels lol. I HATE them.

So I jokingly say I'm hetermosexual.

But truthfully, don't classify yourself as anything. If any one ask and you don't mind telling them the truth, just say you like men, women, men and women.

If they ask you are you gay, straight, or bi, simple say, "I don't like labels, I just like what I like."

That's exactly what I tell people that I don't mind knowing.