Mirage
The JUB Illusion
It's been a while that I've made a blog. Most of my blogs start quite small and end up to a huge story. This time I hope it's not going to be too long...
At the end of last year I met a mature man. He was the first man I've had a relationship with. Before him I've only dated girls and only had female relationships. Some were more than 2 months, but most were a lot shorter. With my first boyfriend, as I mentioned earlier, it lasted 2 months.
At the end of februari he decided to not continue our relationship. Like all people who've experienced it; I felt broken and needed to recover from this broken heart, something that takes a little while. That little while ended quickly, because within 2 months a new man came into my life. I thought at first that it couldn't be real, but after a struggle with my feelings I concluded that I really love this new guy!
He's perfect in almost every way and helped me out of dealing with a lot of my isues. In all these months we are together we've faced a lot of my internal conflicts. All the time he was there to support me and never left my side. Something I'm really greatfull of.
But two weeks ago he changed a little. I could see that something was bothering him and that he wanted to tell me something. I already knew that there were a few problems in his family and I was worried that something was going bad there. When I asked what was wrong he told me he didn't want to spoil our moment and that it can wait. I told him that we've always been open to each other and that if something is wrong you can tell the other. Then the silence came...
After half a minute he started to talk. He told me about that he met someone on his vacation (I wasn't with him because I had school at that moment) and talked about all kinds of things. The guy he met is a profesional who's specialized in relationships. He told my boyfriend that my boyfriend wasn't clear about his vision towards me, letting me with a unknown future. My boyfriend needed to be more clearly about what he could give me within a year and the rest of the future. And that's where the talk between us went to.
He told me everything I already know; The age difference, our families and friends, his work and my school, etc. With his perspective he told me that he couldn't afford a total comming out within at least one year. (A little part of both our surroundings know that we're gay, but no one knows that we're a couple.) This means that I can't live with him until he is ready to do so. The way he told me this felt like he wanted to end this relationship and I started crying. I didn't know what to do and asked if he wanted to stop everything that was happening between us. He told me that he deeply loves me and that he never want to get out of my life if I decide to quit. By this it felt like I had to quit it because he couldn't do it himself and got angry telling him that he has to do it himself. I love him too much to do something like that.
After a few minutes I calmed down and he finally got back into my head. He didn't meant it like this. But he wanted to let me know that if I wanted a open relationship (in terms that everyone knows we're a couple) within a short time, I needed to find someone else. All he wants is seeing me happy, with or without him. No matter what I'll choose he'll be there to support me in every way he can and started crying. This made me cry again and I huged him.
When the tears were dried, we started to have dinner and later that night we went to bed. At first I wasn't in the mood for sex while he wanted to cheer me up with it. I still needed time to get used to a different way of being together if I decided to end this relationship, but then out of nowhere my sexdrive came back.
The next morning just before I needed to go to school, I told him that I wanted to forget everything that happened the day before and want to continue our relationship as it was. Living together as secret lovers until the day comes that we can show the world that we're a couple or when one of us can't stand it any longer. He was really happy about my decision and couldn't agree more with me.
Now my question: I want to ask you if I made the right choice in this and within what time perspective I should stop this relationship with a special man I deeply love?
Well as you can see this new blog has become a long story after al.
At the end of last year I met a mature man. He was the first man I've had a relationship with. Before him I've only dated girls and only had female relationships. Some were more than 2 months, but most were a lot shorter. With my first boyfriend, as I mentioned earlier, it lasted 2 months.
At the end of februari he decided to not continue our relationship. Like all people who've experienced it; I felt broken and needed to recover from this broken heart, something that takes a little while. That little while ended quickly, because within 2 months a new man came into my life. I thought at first that it couldn't be real, but after a struggle with my feelings I concluded that I really love this new guy!
He's perfect in almost every way and helped me out of dealing with a lot of my isues. In all these months we are together we've faced a lot of my internal conflicts. All the time he was there to support me and never left my side. Something I'm really greatfull of.
But two weeks ago he changed a little. I could see that something was bothering him and that he wanted to tell me something. I already knew that there were a few problems in his family and I was worried that something was going bad there. When I asked what was wrong he told me he didn't want to spoil our moment and that it can wait. I told him that we've always been open to each other and that if something is wrong you can tell the other. Then the silence came...
After half a minute he started to talk. He told me about that he met someone on his vacation (I wasn't with him because I had school at that moment) and talked about all kinds of things. The guy he met is a profesional who's specialized in relationships. He told my boyfriend that my boyfriend wasn't clear about his vision towards me, letting me with a unknown future. My boyfriend needed to be more clearly about what he could give me within a year and the rest of the future. And that's where the talk between us went to.
He told me everything I already know; The age difference, our families and friends, his work and my school, etc. With his perspective he told me that he couldn't afford a total comming out within at least one year. (A little part of both our surroundings know that we're gay, but no one knows that we're a couple.) This means that I can't live with him until he is ready to do so. The way he told me this felt like he wanted to end this relationship and I started crying. I didn't know what to do and asked if he wanted to stop everything that was happening between us. He told me that he deeply loves me and that he never want to get out of my life if I decide to quit. By this it felt like I had to quit it because he couldn't do it himself and got angry telling him that he has to do it himself. I love him too much to do something like that.
After a few minutes I calmed down and he finally got back into my head. He didn't meant it like this. But he wanted to let me know that if I wanted a open relationship (in terms that everyone knows we're a couple) within a short time, I needed to find someone else. All he wants is seeing me happy, with or without him. No matter what I'll choose he'll be there to support me in every way he can and started crying. This made me cry again and I huged him.
When the tears were dried, we started to have dinner and later that night we went to bed. At first I wasn't in the mood for sex while he wanted to cheer me up with it. I still needed time to get used to a different way of being together if I decided to end this relationship, but then out of nowhere my sexdrive came back.
The next morning just before I needed to go to school, I told him that I wanted to forget everything that happened the day before and want to continue our relationship as it was. Living together as secret lovers until the day comes that we can show the world that we're a couple or when one of us can't stand it any longer. He was really happy about my decision and couldn't agree more with me.
Now my question: I want to ask you if I made the right choice in this and within what time perspective I should stop this relationship with a special man I deeply love?
Well as you can see this new blog has become a long story after al.