How to deal with rejection?

[drhladnjak]

First, keep in mind that many people are just flaky in general. The key is to recognize that often it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they're afraid to commit or are dating somebody else or got sick or have their own anxiety issues to deal with.

Unfortunately, sometimes it does have to do with you. Maybe you're just not cute enough for him or you said something that freaked him out or maybe he just realized you're black. So long as you're living true to yourself, it's his loss not yours. In fact, you just saved yourself a bunch of time dating somebody where things were probably not going to work out anyways because you don't have what he's looking for or because of his own stupid hangups.

The real key is that you only have to care what the following people think of you:
1. yourself
2. your real friends who care about you and who are looking out for your best interest
3. your family if they care about and accept you for who you are
4. your employer in so far as your work is concerned (this is somewhat flexible because you could quit)
5. the law (if the TSA thinks your a terrorist, you've got problems)

Notice that random people you meet in bars or online are not on that list. Why? Because what they think doesn't really matter. They don't pay your bills. They don't provide a shoulder to cry on when you're down. They don't control your freedom or your ability to live your life.

Rejection sucks. Nobody likes getting rejected, but you have to keep in mind who's rejecting you. You know you're a good guy who has lots to offer. If you present that and others don't see it, then it's time to move on to the next guy.

Somewhere, I remember reading something about an interesting game concerning dating and rejection. Bear with me--it's something about straight people, but the general point is still applicable to us. Basically, the idea was for a small group of straight guys to go to a large, busy bar. Their goal--compete to see who can get rejected the most times by girls while asking for the girls' phone numbers. The winner (i.e., the guy who gets rejected the most times) gets all of his drinks paid for by the other 4 guys. In practice, every guy ends up with a decent number of rejections, but also many phone numbers by the end of the night. Each rejection is useful because he's one step closer to free booze for the night and, perhaps more importantly, able to move on to the next girl now that he's gotten rejected. Over the course of the night, the guys learn quickly that rejection isn't really all that bad. Plus, the end up with a lot of phone numbers from girls who are interested in them.

Now, I'm not recommending you trying this with your friends (although it might be a fun experiment). The point is that you may have to get rejected a lot to find interested guys, that rejection isn't really all that bad once you get used to it and that in the end it's all about confidence for getting over it.

 

[mascbiguy]

people online are really flaky man. one email they will want to meet and the next they wont respond, they figure their behind a keyboard so it doesnt matter.

people in real life will stop calling/txt because they cant deal with confrontation ie "youre not my type/im going to move on" and they figure that if they dont return a call it's the easy way out.

rejection is a part of life. you just have to get used to it. but when you do meet that "some one" it will be that much better. you have to weed thru the dirt before you can find a flower.

 

[954dude]

people online are really flaky man. one email they will want to meet and the next they wont respond, they figure their behind a keyboard so it doesnt matter.

people in real life will stop calling/txt because they cant deal with confrontation ie "youre not my type/im going to move on" and they figure that if they dont return a call it's the easy way out.

rejection is a part of life. you just have to get used to it. but when you do meet that "some one" it will be that much better. you have to weed thru the dirt before you can find a flower.

Took the words out of my mouth! Rejection is bound to happen, but don't get discouraged. You'll be just fine.

 

[bokan800]

I struggle with this for quite some time until I finally said, you know what, if people can't like me the way I am then FUCK IT.

You can't make people like you all the time. All you can do is be happy the way you are and you will attract people.

 

[rareboy]

I wouldn't worry at all about the virtual world. For the most part, it is the worst place to find emotionally healthy and secure prospects for relationships.

Just get out there and participate in any kind of activity. Don't start closing doors that you haven't looked behind. Spend some time at the clubs, the coffee houses, the church...wherever you think you might meet others.

In your case, I think you need to get proper counselling and ongoing support for your socialization difficulties. who knows, you might just find your perfect match in a group therapy session.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I think you need to get your depression sorted out. I have a friend who has similar problems and the gay scene is not particularly healthy for anyone with severe depression. I would def go out with some friends and get them to introduce you to other guys at the club. This is prob the easiest way to get to know other people.

But firstly you have to resolve the depression issue.

 

[ProudtobeCanadien]

Anyway, to the point of the thread.. I learned last week that I'm terrible at online rejection too. One day last week, I was lurking in a gay.com chatroom before class and this really cute guy IMs me.. he's from my school.. and he says I'm really cute etc., and that he wants to meet. He asks for my email and says he'll email me that night. Well.. it's Sunday, and that was Thursday and i've gotten nothing... i've seen him in the chatroom again and tried to message him but he just ignores me. This may seem insignificant or irrelevant but like an idiot I got really excited that I might have finally met someone I can date..and I'm also struggling with severe depression so this kind of just put me in a terrible mood of confusion and bad self-esteem and even anger

Some people just like to play games with other people! There's nothing that you can do about that little buddy!

Part of your depression may stem from the fact that you know what you want from life- but don't know how to get it! With time and more experience, you will.

Ok.. TO THE POINT: this has happened a bunch of times to me. I am getting to know someone.. even offline and suddenly they disappear and don't answer phone calls or txts or IMs or whatever. I don't understand.. I'm a nice guy.. if you tell someone you like them.. that they are really cute and you want to get to know them, why would you just ignore them? Why not be a man and just say you don't want to talk to me?

Some people just don't like themselves! The fact that you like them may in fact be a turnoff! I know it sounds silly, but people aren't always logical.

With some people even if you do "take it slow", the minute that you start to talk more frequently, they automatically start to give you attitude! If you meet someone like this, remember that its not YOUR fault. You were kind to them and it was their choice how they wanted to deal with that kindness!

Anyway, you guys always give good advice. I guess I'm looking for a good way to deal with this. There's other issues I could get into like being turned down because I'm black or having a terrible time dating.. but I just need to get over this rejection issue so I can move on with my life and get back to being "okay" with guys not liking me and being single.

Best of luck little buddy!

 

[954dude]

I think you need to get your depression sorted out. I have a friend who has similar problems and the gay scene is not particularly healthy for anyone with severe depression. I would def go out with some friends and get them to introduce you to other guys at the club. This is prob the easiest way to get to know other people.

But firstly you have to resolve the depression issue.

So well spoken. I just finished therapy sessions after dealing with depression for the last 2 years. Going into the gay scene during therapy was great a first, but then it got overwhelming with all the drama and chaos. Now I'm focusing on myself and my anxiety before going out clubbing again. I have confidence and love who I am, you should work on that.

 

[Lewis1]

Wow Come here lucky I sympathize with you in alot of ways.
Everyone tells me what a nice guy I am but for some reason I always get the shaft, whether its Friends(so -called friends) that preety much do not make any effort to communicate with me unless initiated by me or never being considered as a love interest lol (i am sorry i am bringing my problems into it)

In my experience Ive seen that you have to put your irons in many fires & by that i mean Boldly making an effort to become friends/persue someone of interest and letting the chips fall as they may (easier said than done i know)
Nothing doesnt come to you unless you take the bull by the horn.

My approach makes it that much harder when you are sort of socialy deficient but the payoff is worth it imo

as far as dealing with rejection as hard as it is
You really have to not take the rejection personal
and focus on turning negatives into positives
a potential friend or love interest ignoring you now can save some heartache later down the road

there is always a person for someone i beleive
i belive you will eventually find what you are looking for
(i know i barely helped) but this is how i fee lol
good luck dude and dont lose faith

 

[drhladnjak]

Thanks.. I guess I just don't know where to find guys.. I don't want to give up. I'm only 20, but it's really hard.. especially when I'm not good with social situations.

The best places to find guys are the places you'd be going anyways. If you enjoy certain hobbies or volunteer work or a certain church, that's where you're going to find the quality guys. Granted, it does help tremendously if you can find a group of people to be around that has lots of eligible gay men in it besides you.

So don't look for a place to meet guys. Look for a place where you can enjoy yourself, develop your interests and be surrounded by the kind of people you want for company.