How to fall "out" of love?

[Guy89]

The whole thing is really complicated and it's a really long story but I'll do my best. Basically he's with a girl and won't come out even though everybody knows. He wants to get married to the girl. And it kills me. That's the one thing about him I don't think I'll ever understand; why he's so scared to come out. A few months ago I started taking these steps to get over him, because he's perfect and a closet case and that just equals a lot of pain. I started seeing him less and less. I stopped having deep conversations about our lives, that was partly good for him too though because they usually made him cry . I made sure I never had alone time with him. I stopped going places with him or doing anything that could be considered "bonding time". And all of these helped. But it hurts me when I think of him still. It hurts so bad. He noticed some of this and now he thinks I don't like him, which really hurts me even more because I think I'm in love with this guy. And to think that he thinks I don't like him is just painful. I tried focusing on his flaws thinking they would negate any attraction to him. Bad idea. Those flaws became little annoying things that made him him, they became little annoying things that I now love. I immediately stopped searching for flaws.

I'd do anything for him. But this is exactly the mentality I want to get rid of. I DON'T want to see or think of him like this. I DON'T want him to be perfect. Because I can't be with him. I'm close with the girl he's with and I could never hurt her by doing anything with him. Even though she treats him like shit, talks shit to me about him behind his back, could never love him as much as me, I could go on and on. His girlfriend suspects he's gay or at the very least bi. She knows I'm gay and she's constantly asking me what I think about him. I don't know if I should make her think he's straight or gay. Something else that kills me is that he would tell me all the time these stories of people thinking he was gay but he never once denied it, he'd just get upset, but the thing is that I think he was about to tell me right before I made him think I don't like him anymore. Believe me, I wish we could struggle with our sexualities together but like I said, because he's with this girl she'd kill me if I ever did anything with him while they were together or even if they weren't just because he was "hers" at one point. He is off limits even if they break up. I cannot tell her or him that I feel like this. I have no clue how I'm going to be if they actually get married. I think the three of us know it's doomed already but for some reason we're still playing this charade.

But back to my point. How do you stop seeing the perfect person as the perfect person? I feel like I'm torn in half. Half of me is completely love sick, half of me is still rational and can see that this entire situation is insane. But it still hurts all of me when I think about him and I want that to stop.

 

[8tomtoms8]

If you find an answer for that PLEASE let us know. I went through the same thing myself and the only thing that helped me was time. It eventually gets better. You just have to realize it will never happen between you two and put your sights in a different direction. One thought that helped me was realizing that even if I could convince this guy to give it a go with me, he wasn't mentally there yet as far as understanding his own sexuallity. You can't speed up his clock on that.
Find a guy who is where you are or further as far understanding and excepting his sexuality. You can never really have a relationship with someone who "may be bi or curious". Find you a fellow who accepts the fact that he is gay. It will be a much better use of your "investment" Good luck.

 

[hanshansen]

I made friends with a gay guy around 5 months ago who I ended up bonding very deeply with and ... I'd go so far as to say I fell in love with him. He's the only person I've ever met who I could say that about. Unfortunately, despite all the bonding, he doesn't feel that way about me, he told me he just isn't physically attracted to me ...

So there's aspects of him that will always be closed to me and we will end up with different people.

That would have happened in late July and on bad days it still hurts, a lot.

I think you do have to keep reminding yourself that that's how things are, and you actively have to channel your energies elsewhere, i.e. keep hanging out with other friends and testing the waters with other people who look datable. At the same time, I don't think you should artificially try to distance yourself from your friend. I mean, I became friends with this guy for all the right reasons and I want to continue fostering that friendship. If that means more pain for me in the short term, then so be it.

I also don't think you should try to search for flaws in him. A different approach which might be more helpful is to remind yourself that your friend is a human being like you with his own life, that there's things he has to work through on his own without you, and things (like your feelings for him) that you have to work through on your own without him. You can't do everything for him, and he can't do everything for you.

When I remind myself of that I feel better and the 'love' feelings become more like 'friendship' feelings.

 

[Guy89]

Thanks for the replies. I know there's no cure for infatuation and there wasn't really much anybody could tell me. I'm still not entirely sure what I'm going to do about this thing but I did learn a few things.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Cure-C. I was once where you are now. It's a searing pain that has no emotional equal, I don't think.

Anyway, since he knows you're gay, I think the best thing to do would be bluntly honest with him about your feelings: Tell him you're in love with him, and that seeing him often, and having deep conversations, and other "close" things tears you up and it hurts. Doing this would accomplish two good things and one potentially bad thing. The two good things would be 1) he would understand that you don't "hate" him--in fact, just the opposite; and 2) he would understand why you can't be close to him--that it's not him, it's you. The one bad thing that could probably happen is that he'd feel bad that you feel bad and feel the loss and grief of losing a friend.

Longer term, at some point he may come out to himself and be more comfortable with his sexuality, assuming you're correct in that he's gay or bi. If that happens, then he'll always remember you and find a way to communicate his interest in you. Whether that happens, or when, or whether you're even available or interested in a whole other matter.

It's interesting that his gf is picking up cues that he's gay too. Women can have a sixth sense about that. Do you know why she feels that way? You'd be on a slippery slope having that conversation with her, lest you get in the middle of a huge issue between them. I know I couldn't pull it off, but you might be able to. If she's independently picking this up, and you have too, there might be more fire than smoke there.

Good luck. As you know, there aren't any easy answers. Your first priority is protecting yourself, and unfortunately, that pretty much means removing yourself for the source of the hurt.

 

[hanshansen]

I read your post again, Cure-C.

I think the best thing to do would be bluntly honest with him about your feelings: Tell him you're in love with him, and that seeing him often, and having deep conversations, and other "close" things tears you up and it hurts.

I agree, this is the other option you've got. Like Averageguy says, it would mean putting your friendship on ice for an indefinite period, and it would hurt both of you. But it's a perfectly valid and fair way of dealing with what you're going through. It's a lot better than cooling things off without any explanation. It feels really, really crappy to be on the receiving end of that.

It's interesting that his gf is picking up cues that he's gay too. Women can have a sixth sense about that. Do you know why she feels that way? You'd be on a slippery slope having that conversation with her, lest you get in the middle of a huge issue between them. I know I couldn't pull it off, but you might be able to.

I don't really see the point to this. Frankly, if she senses you're driving a wedge in their relationship and has any inkling that you have a personal interest, she's going to hate you, and she will make her bf hate you, as well. Don't go there.

Unfortunately, in whatever way works for you, you need to accept that he is in this relationship and let it play out. If they were to break up in the future, though, he would NOT be off limits any more and you should feel free to test the waters again. It is ridiculous for his girlfriend to expect that she has some kind of claim over him even after they break up.

 

[hothunk222]

I'm going through something similar and it's very hard. I have a friend who is bi-curious-ish well, basically he's gorgeous has a great personality, we have a great friendship, and he's very touchy and sweet so of course I fell in love with the guy. I decided that I wouldn't stop loving the guy, but just redirecting the love to the friendship instead of dwelling on the romantic possibilities. It's hard, very hard. Especially, when the friend keeps throwing hints and innuendo at you, but I try not to see them as anything more than "joking around" how he calls it.
If and when he is ever ready to accept his sexuality he can come to me, just giving him time but I'm not waiting around for it at the same time even though It would be a dream come true.

 

[tydd1985]

6. Go shopping. Dress ur self in new style, ull feel ur self hotter and brand new.

 

[Guy89]

I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. I think I created this thread during a moment of weakness where the depression just managed to take over for a bit, but it turned out to be good for me. Some things that were said I never even thought about. I know I was being selfish trying to distance myself away but I figure sometimes it's ok, or even mandatory, to be selfish. But by doing that I realize now that I wasn't able to see or think of certain things. I think I get it now though. Even though nothing can ever happen between us, I don't think anything ever would anyways. Me and him were walking around the beach one time and he pointed out a woman and said how if his friend was here he'd whistle at her or something to get her attention or say that she was hot, but that he wouldn't ever do anything like that. He couldn't ever pull stuff like that because he's too shy. I told him I was the same way. So neither one of us can make a first move. But honestly, right now, I'm okay with that. It's just kind of funny. I've got plans to do an all-nighter with him to prepare for a party, not sure when exactly. That'll definitely get rid of some of that distance I put between us, having one-on-one time. Anyways, I guess the thread is coming to a close. I got absolutely wonderful advice and I'm feeling better about stuff... Though this post stirred up stuff when I wrote about four paragraphs, realized I was typing a novel, and deleted everything so I'm not feeling quite as good as when I started. But nonetheless, thanks JUBers.

[STRIKE](Maybe... If only you'd met me first...)[/STRIKE]