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How to find gay guys D:

RayMatara

RayMatara

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Sup everybody,

So starting summer 2011 I began to come out to my friends (all straight guys and girls). Inlcuding the second guy I told who I'm crazy in love with and have already told him how I feel and unfortunately he is still "straight" (I don't believe him) but that's not what this thread is about so ignore that...

Anyways I am not planning on fully coming out for about 5 months until I graduate highschool. My school is just way to cliquey and immature to risk ruining the last half of my senior year by coming out.

I've been relationship deprived all through highschool though, I really would like to find a guy to spend time with and care about and to:sex:

Hopefully you guys can help me, how am I supposed to go about finding gay guys around my age when I'm not out, because it seems impossible to me find people without using a website like this where the gay barrier has already been broken.

I mean there are guys in my school who I know for a fact are gay (really flamboyant and stuff like that, of course the kinda stuff I'm absolutely unattracted to). I know I can't be really picky in my situation but I just wanna find a guy who has some more things in common with me (gay, not flamboyant, etc...)

For example there's a guy I'm pretty attracted to in my grade and we go to the same gym and I tend to see him looking at me from a distance and when he notices I see him he awkwardly looks away, I feel like he might be gay. But we don't really talk all that much and I feel like it's awkward to just start talking to him to try and find out if he's gay and then he's not it could be weird afterwards plus I don't want non-gay friends knowing I'm gay.

Sorry for rambling on but I need advice on how to find gay guys when I'm not totally out yet. Hope some people have some insight here :D
 
You find gay guys by putting yourself out there as a gay man and going where gay guys go.

Put yourself in a target rich environment. Unlike straight people, it's hard to just stumble across gay guys at the supermarket - for all the reasons I'm sure you're familiar with, but if you go find some gay youth groups, and when you get older, go out where gay guys go out, and you aren't hiding yourself, you'll find them.

Guys in the closet always ask this question, and, well, it's hard to get noticed when you're hiding from everyone.

You're really young, you have your whole life in front of you, don't worry about it, just get through high school first. I've never met a gay man yet who had a lot of dating opportunities in high school, usually it's none whatsoever.
 
Yeah I understand that it's close to impossible when I'm not out yet. I also understand that it is just highschool, and I'm almost done. But it would be nice just to find somebody for the time being, I is lonely D:
 
RayMatara said:
I mean there are guys in my school who I know for a fact are gay (really flamboyant and stuff like that, of course the kinda stuff I'm absolutely unattracted to). I know I can't be really picky in my situation but I just wanna find a guy who has some more things in common with me (gay, not flamboyant, etc...).

For example there's a guy I'm pretty attracted to in my grade and we go to the same gym and I tend to see him looking at me from a distance and when he notices I see him he awkwardly looks away, I feel like he might be gay. But we don't really talk all that much and I feel like it's awkward to just start talking to him to try and find out if he's gay and then he's not it could be weird afterwards plus I don't want non-gay friends knowing I'm gay.

I need advice on how to find gay guys when I'm not totally out yet. Hope some people have some insight here.
Click to expand...

hi RayMatara,

Thanks for your posting, and no problem at all to ask such a question over here. Its good to read that you have already told your friends that you are gay, are some of them also going to the same high school?

And how sure is it that there is no one in your class aware that you are 'not into girls'? Maybe there are one of more girls in your class who have a crush on you? So, likely, they will try to get your attention? Does not work, because you are checking out the guys over there.

So don't take for granted that no one has read your gay card.

(1) And you have (see above) this guy in your grade. Why not be a bit more friendly to him, start some small talk with him? It seems he likes you (?), so why not befriend him a bit? There will be more then enough shared items (= everything with school) to find ways to talk with him. And you can test the water. Maybe he will start talking about girls, maybe you will find out he has a girlfriend, maybe he will ask your opinion about that sweet girl passing by. Who knows? So no direct need to tell him you are gay, but also don't deny/ly. Ofcourse, you can be a bit vague about 'girl-issues', when he asks you about your ideas.

(2) Hey, and there are other (open?) gays as well on your school. Why not become friends with them? They might have other gay friends not going to your school. And maybe they go to some sort of party or meeting with alot of other gays? Don't bother too much that some of your gay schoolmates are flamboyant; be aware that they are very happy, and please be aware that its very good that they are open about their sexual orientation. Maybe one of them would love to make some good contacts with you. But how can he find you?

(3): Try to widen your circle with friends (girls and guys of around your age) who are aware that you are gay, and 'looking around'. Sooner or later, one of these guys or girls will tell you that her/his cousin/brother/friend (etc) is also gay. Again, more opportunities to meet other gays.

And take your time, and be open from day 1 at the next school (college / uni / etc). And choose a gay friendly one, with an active queer group.

Best wishes, and good luck
 
Hey Ganoderma, thanks for the thoughtful reply.

Yeah all of the friends I have told besides I think 3 go to my school and most are in my grade.

(1) I try to start small talk whenever I can but he seems to try to avoid it half of the time, I find this strange because he's the one always looking at me, I will continue this though because he doesn't seem annoyed or angered by it at all. He definitely doesn't have a girlfriend and I'm pretty sure hasn't had any serious girlfriend at all though highschool. I will try to better my friendship with him though and see how that goes.

(2) There is one fully out gay guy at my school that I am already friends with, he really isn't any help at finding guys because anybody he has found he already took :P

I will definitely be open right off the bat at college, I already will have been before it starts, I am definitely looking forward to how that goes, would just like an early start as I feel very inexperienced if you know what I mean.
 
Don't worry about the experience thing. That will come and really there is nobody your age with a lot of experience.
 
hi RayMatara,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply.

Well, maybe the other guy is indeed gay, AND he knows / assumes that you are gay, but not yet confident enough to admit to you (or others) that he is gay.

So he might be in some sort of internal conflict. On the one hand he likes you (and would like to make more contact with you), on the other hand he is scared to approach you too close, as he is not yet ready to admit that he is gay (or something like that). As a consequence, he shows the avoiding behaviour.

Well, I don't know if this is the case, its just one of the possible scenarios.

Maybe he not very used to gay guys, or has some bad experiences from the past? I don't know.

I think you can do just one thing, and that's take your time with him, and never ever be too pushy towards him. Maybe he is very shy (does he has alot of other friends on school?), who knows?

So go with being friendly to him.

----------------------------

So already quite a few of your schoolmates, including the open gay guy, are aware that you are gay. And you are friends with the open gay guy. So I assume that you don't avoid at your utmost any contact with open gay guy, meaning that several (a lot?) of your schoolmates will be aware that you don't shoulder him during schooltime (he is even your friend, so you will also talk with him at school). Maybe your friend is aware of some other guys at school who might be gay, and he can help you a bit by introducing you to them, or things like that?

All taken together, I tend to think that already quite a few people at your school will be aware that RayMatara = (probably) gay.

And how about this 'risk of ruining the last half of the senior year by coming out' in relation to your open gay schoolmate? Is his reputation ruined? Are there alot of homphobes around?

Please remember that I don't want to push you to come out, if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Take care & feel free to ask addition questions.
 
Yeah I definitely get that idea that he may be gay and not ready to accept it or is unsure what to do with his feelings as of now as I experienced that same kinda thing, just earlier in my timeline, I don't want to pressure him of course, I will take my time and just establish a good friendship if possible and then see where that goes.
-
*The openly gay guy actually moved schools because our school is just not really a good school to be openly gay in, it's a wealthy suburb and most kids there are just kinda either stuck up or really conservative I guess.

It just doesn't seem worth it to me to come out now and get all the weird looks from kids I'm not friends with in the halls. In the end it doesnt matter, I know, but still day after day, that kinda stuff would get really annoying.

I mean all my friends or most would be fine with it like they already are and even friends who don't know yet would probably support me, but I still don't think I should do it till after highschool.

Thanks for all the support gano, hope to continue talking with you!

@Beau, yes I am aware of that, but even guys who will be openly gay in college most likely at least meddled around with girls in highschool, I was never really into them like that all, even for fun or to cover up being gay, I have literally 0 experience. I'll make up for it with a good relationship and of course, my 6 pack :D
 
Rolyo85 said:
I was in the same situation, at 25, and with no six pack ;_;

Now I'm not ^_^
Click to expand...

So now you're older than 25 with a six pack? Grats! I know how it gets harder to stay toned and buff as you age, that's why I'm trying to get as perfect as I can in my prime so I can keep it as long as possible :D.
 
Trust me on this, being with a woman gives you no experience when it comes to guys.

Now if you can find a guy to play with that will help.
 
@Beau, yeah I could see how it's a whole different world, I'm not really that concerned, just lonely :P

@Rolyo, well then you can't complain :D. I'll be patient I guess....
 
hi RayMatara,

Thanks for your nice reply, and I tend to think that you know quite well what to do. Its sad that the open gay on your school had too move to another school.

Likely (?), this other guy (the one you would like to know better) will be also aware of what has happened with the open gay guy?

So just go on with staying good friends with your straight male and female friends (the ones who know you are gay). You might even tell them that you are looking around and ask them if they have a gay cousin / friend-of-a-friend / guy next-door etc, who might be interested in you? Too wacky?

Indeed, it does not matter in the end, but better stay abot vague. Definately, you don't have a girlfriend, so people will think why this is not the case. Too busy with school? Too shy? Nerd?

And I am indeed very aware that you would like to get some experience with playing with a guy. Be aware that you never know where he is. You might even meet him in the local grocery, or when you are shopping with friends (and so on). Well, always keep an eye open to him (and don't hide too much that you are a gay male).

Good luck, and feel free to ask more questions.
 
Haha yes, while I do know quite well what to do, it's still hard to carry out the actual process.

The friends that know that I'm gay are well aware that I'm interested, I just think they haven't found anybody for me yet D:, I will continue to tell them to look though :D.

Not having a girlfriend really isn't a big deal, a lot of guys in my school don't have girlfriends and are definitely straight, they just hook up at parties and stuff but don't want an official relationship, not having a girlfriend really isn't a problem whatsoever.

I try to dress nicely and match my colors and look good, I don't want to sound cocky but I have a pretty nice physique, I work out and eat healthy so I just try to wear shirts and jeans that show off my body, this is the best I can do to be out in public saying I might be gay without wearing a sign around my neck :P.

But you're right, the right person will just pop up in my life at the grocery store or something, I'll keep my eyes open.
 
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