How to get out of the "friendzone"

[BrendonM91]

Hey guys,

Have a problem here. I have a close friend who I am very smitten over. However he can't see me as anything more then a friend at the moment. This has me pretty depressed and upset. His only half assed reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose what we have. I can understand that but I feel the risk is worth taking. Is it at all possible, what strategies can I employ to get moved out of the friendzone? In all honesty he is pretty much it for me, personality, body, confidence the whole package. So what can a guy do?

 

[palbert]

^^^^^^ This.

 

[Audio Tech]

^^^^^ Indeed.

 

[Notseingme]

i think I'm gonna cry

 

[dereperez]

Hey guys,

Have a problem here. I have a close friend who I am very smitten over. However he can't see me as anything more then a friend at the moment. This has me pretty depressed and upset. His only half assed reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose what we have. I can understand that but I feel the risk is worth taking. Is it at all possible, what strategies can I employ to get moved out of the friendzone? In all honesty he is pretty much it for me, personality, body, confidence the whole package. So what can a guy do?

It's a bail-out. What loki said basically. The friendship wouldn't be lost by a relationship not working out, if there were truly a strong friendship to begin with.

 

[mc7777]

^^^^ Agreed ^^^^^^^ Very well put..... Maybe find someone else and see if he gets jealous? Doubt it though.

 

[BrendonM91]

It's a bail-out. What loki said basically. The friendship wouldn't be lost by a relationship not working out, if there were truly a strong friendship to begin with.

This is my feelings and argument to him in the first place. I also see where you guys are coming from saying move on, however at this very stage I have tried unsuccessfully a few times, so I don't think I am quite ready to let go yet.

i think I'm gonna cry

Why do you think you're going to cry Notseingme? PM if you want to chat

^^^^ Agreed ^^^^^^^ Very well put..... Maybe find someone else and see if he gets jealous? Doubt it though.

That's an idea... There are feelings there, but I don't think he fully comprehends them and is not ready to act on them, he has been hurt in the past, his ex is very much like me, very similar personalities, however I would never treat him like his ex has. And I think that is one of his biggest hurdles. He seems to fall for the wrong types, the ones that want to use him and abuse him. I've watched him go through it, and been the one to pick everything up.

 

[LemonMonk]

He might not be going from wrong guy to wrong guy. When he thinks the relationship is near an end, he might come up with stuff, or over exaggerate stuff to make it look like he's a victim. I know plenty of guys who do that to mask any wrong doing they've done. Maybe he's the reason they're becoming the "wrong types".

I could be wrong about that though, you could be right. If something happens, let us all know. There are plenty of guys out there. Don't have the one, it gets boring. If you can't get into his pants, I think you should still value the friendship and look for someone(s) else.

 

[BrendonM91]

He might not be going from wrong guy to wrong guy. When he thinks the relationship is near an end, he might come up with stuff, or over exaggerate stuff to make it look like he's a victim. I know plenty of guys who do that to mask any wrong doing they've done. Maybe he's the reason they're becoming the "wrong types".

I could be wrong about that though, you could be right. If something happens, let us all know. There are plenty of guys out there. Don't have the one, it gets boring. If you can't get into his pants, I think you should still value the friendship and look for someone(s) else.

I've witnessed alot of the stuff that happened with his last relationship, although it wasn't exclusively Mitch's fault, he treated Chris like dirt and was cheating or at least attempting to cheat with one of Chris' exes.

I will keep you guys in the loop if anything happens, however, I am not looking to get into his pants, we have once before had a bit of fun, but I'm looking for something a bit longer term than a romp between the sheets, however if the offer came up there would be no chance in a "no" answer XD. And even if he doesn't end up changing his mind, I value his friendship above nearly every other I have (let's just say my other friends are there when they need something, but it's like I'm asking for a kidney if I need help with anything or need some support).

 

[dereperez]

^^^^ Agreed ^^^^^^^ Very well put..... Maybe find someone else and see if he gets jealous? Doubt it though.

I don't think the jealousy thing is actually a good move. There's a chance that he'd resent you for that. Even if it would reveal his "true feelings" towards you...it might cause more strain in your relationship/friendship with him. There could be more drama created.

 

[mc7777]

^^^^ Agreed ^^^^^^^ Very well put..... Maybe find someone else and see if he gets jealous? Doubt it though.

The keyword here was, "doubt." I agree with the other comments very much so.

Put you first and what you want in your life (which by reading your follow up comments you are starting to do so, by wanting a actual relationship.)

You seem like a caring guy but invest that care in someone who wants the same as you and returns care back to you. Your current social/friendship exchange is all you in caring and waiting around to pick him up when he falls. Stay friends if you can or desire but I say go find someone else. Don't limit yourself! I wish you good luck! ;D

 

[BrendonM91]

Hey there guys,

Just an update. Two nights ago I gave one last ditched attempt to convey my feelings for my friend Chris. I unfortunately, on the times past have either been drunk or in an emotional state when confessing my feelings to him, so this time, I remained sober, and to make sure I got out the things I needed to tell him, in a way that didn't hurt him or upset him, I wrote him a note. I unfortunately bitched out at the last second in trying to tell him using words, I began choking up before I could get them out. So I simply handed him the letter/script, gave him a kiss on the cheek, apologised and left.

Fast forward a few hours and he texts me saying that he read my note. He said that he did love me, but only as one would love a best friend. But he thanked me for the sincerity, heartfeltness and honesty in what I had wrote. Needless to say I was crushed, and also somewhat relieved. I knew that I had to leave it at that, that I could no longer chase the unicorn, so to speak. I thanked him, told him that he would always have a place in my heart, and that I would respect his feelings and try to move on.

I picked him up from the train station about 6.30pm and took him the short trip home to his house, and it was there that I knew I needed time apart, I asked for a week and I knew he was hurt and upset, but he graciously agreed to give me time to heal.

So this is where my story comes with a slight twist. Earlier that day, I got a message from a cute young guy on plenty of fish. He intrigued me and we got chatting on the instant messenger feature. We swapped details and we found out we have a hell of a lot in common music, movies, hobbies etc. He's cute, young and fit pretty much my type all over. I'm chubbier, slightly older and hairier, pretty much his type. He has managed to make me laugh and smile when all I've felt like doing was crying (not just over Chris, but unfortunately my life is one gigantic clusterfuck). I told him at the moment all I'd like to be is friends. So long story short I have a kind of date with him this coming Saturday.

So all in all, I still have my best friend, I have a new friend who is very much interested in me. And I am feeling bittersweet about this whole situation.

 

[r3dw0lf360]

congrats! hope it goes well, good luck!

 

[BrendonM91]

Well just to update those interested, I went on the date last night and well I thought it went brilliantly. Took him to dinner, had a few drinks and then a movie. He picked the movie, the new Evil Dead, he started to get a lil freaked out during it all. I finally picked up the balls to reach over and hold his hand, he relaxed alot, but never let go of my hand once. We just enjoyed each others company for the rest of the night, I thought we clicked well. All this week, we'd been chatting and he seemed really interested and flirty and pretty much the sweetest guy I'd met in a while.

Sadly this morning while texting and chatting I got the dreaded text. You guys all know the one, "I had an awesome time last night. But I think we can only be friends". Needless to say, 2 rejections, one from a guy I was in love with, and another from a guy who in such a short space of time managed to get me to forget about the guy I was in love with and make me smile, laugh and be happy when I should have been down, in one week, is a very tough blow to one's confidence and psche. Both guys are into the beary type man, both like slightly older guys (I'm 22, they're 19 and 18 respectively), and both my ideal type. So here I am sipping on hard liquor trying to figure out what in fuck I do wrong

 

[BrendonM91]

We didn't drink that much last night. 5 drinks each.

Stopped drinking myself today, decided alcohol won't fix the problem. Decided self improvement time. Diet, gym and getting fit again.

 

[r3dw0lf360]

sweetie sorry things arent going too well but things will get better. and youll always have us to help in any way we can.
p.s. if you ever want to chat ill always be here.

 

[TX-Beau]

Hey guys,

Have a problem here. I have a close friend who I am very smitten over. However he can't see me as anything more then a friend at the moment. This has me pretty depressed and upset. His only half assed reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose what we have. I can understand that but I feel the risk is worth taking. Is it at all possible, what strategies can I employ to get moved out of the friendzone? In all honesty he is pretty much it for me, personality, body, confidence the whole package. So what can a guy do?

Sugar, there's nothing you can do. Sometimes guys say yes and don't mean it, but they rarely say no and don't mean it.

If you think his explanation is "half-assed" it's probably because he just didn't want to be blunt and say he isn't into you.

 

[BrendonM91]

sweetie sorry things arent going too well but things will get better. and youll always have us to help in any way we can.
p.s. if you ever want to chat ill always be here.

Thanks R3d, do me a favour buddy and clear your inbox I tried sending you a message re our convo the other day and it wont send until your inbox is emptied

Sugar, there's nothing you can do. Sometimes guys say yes and don't mean it, but they rarely say no and don't mean it.

If you think his explanation is "half-assed" it's probably because he just didn't want to be blunt and say he isn't into you.

It feels half assed because our relationship we've always just been straight up to the point no matter if we hurt the other or not. Completely truthful, and I feel he has just not been completely honest with me.

Yeah!
You will be a cock-magnet in no time sugar.

Here's hoping!

 

[HunterM]

Stopped drinking myself today, decided alcohol won't fix the problem. Decided self improvement time. Diet, gym and getting fit again.

RIGHT ON MAN! That's the right focus.

While you are improving yourself, keep making new friends...keep dating. Don't feel like you have to find THE ONE each time you date (most likely you won't). The more you date various people, the more you will be able to read people in the future...to find THE ONE for you. The more you date, the more you will improve your "game" in dating. Practice makes perfect.