How to get over a fear of sex...

[Idablows]

First, I'd like to say hello to everyone!

Then I'd like to follow up with a problem...

So basically, I'm a virgin. But I don't want to be, for many reasons obviously. The issue is, I have an inane fear of sex, at least I think that's the issue.

So basically, I just turned 21 (yesterday actually! ) I live in a very small town so there's not a lot of out gay people my age. On top of that, I really only have an attraction to older gentleman. In their 30's-50's, no idea why, but I know it's partially do to me being super submissive.

Basically, when I was 18, I originally wanted to lose my virginity because, well I'm a dude. I tried joining manhunt and searched for my first victim, and while there were plenty of guys I was interested in, I'd always freak and flake out when it came to actually meeting up. I originally assumed it was because I was unsure about meeting random strangers IRL and doing something so intimate with them, so I just kind of wrote it off as "I'll know when the time is right."

Fast forward 3 years, and I'm just turning 21. My friends took me out to a gay bar (haven't had a chance to check out the daddy gay bar yet) and I was sure I'd finally be able to throw my V-card into the sun.

Unfortunately, two guys approached me during the night very passively, one was an older gentleman who was very attractive, the other one was more my age. This was my chance, but nope. Somehow my brain went into survival mode x10000 and I freaked out both times as if they were rapists or something.




This whole time I always thought this anxiety would go away once I got more out there, but nope. And I took awhile that night to really think about the situation, and I concluded I just have a crazy fear of sex, which is true. I've always had a very impenetrable bubble, I can't even talk to people very close except for good friends, so intimacy is out of the question. In my brain, I think about how easy it is to have sex, but if the possibility shows up in front of me, I realize how scary it is, how I wouldn't know what to do, and how nerve-racking it is.


So I'm just curious if any of you had/have this problem, and how would I go about getting rid of it.
I'd also like to mention that 1.) I can't think of anything in the past that would have triggered this kind of feeling. I was never really too self-conscious growing up, and I never had any type of traumatic sexual encounter. 2.) It's not a "I just need to get to know someone first/be in a relationship" kind of thing either, because even the thought of actually having sex with people I really like, have known for a long time, and I'm attracted to is nerve-racking. Plus, I'm really not the relationship type, well at least right now anyways. I had a few growing up and I hated having to give attention to someone for more than a day in a row.

 

[aaggii]

The first time I had sex, I regretted I didn´t get the chance to do it much earlier than that, hihi.

While I think that a psychologist could give you the best advice, I see this solved in 2 ways:
1. You will have a big urge to do it, and you eventually will, with someone you will just meet short time before.
2. You can wait until you actually find someone trustful, maybe build a relationship or just feel secure about him. Even if you´re convinced that relationships aren´t your thing, when it hits you, it fuckin hits you.

Being your first time, if the other guy gives you a bad impression about something or you don´t feel secure enough about him, don´t do it, regardless what. Make sure you´re satisfied with everything, the way he acts, if he seems trustful etc.

As long as you don´t go overboard, with forgetting practicing safe sex (or a similar error), a little bit of alcohol helps

 

[Seasoned]

Have you been honest with your friends? If so, it might be better to go to the bars alone. You might feel less pressure than with an audience. It would also help to have conversation and not sex on your mind. If you do discover you need a therapist to help with this you might find that the hurdles you've created with the lead up to sex might be more of a barrier than the fear of sex itself.

Debilitating fear is one thing, but there are reasonable fears. Those fears keep us out of harm's way.

Maybe you need some who's respectful and safe, but in charge.

Welcome to JUB!

 

[innocentbychoice]

To answer your question:

You get over it the same way you get over any other fear: Confronting it. We are afraid of what we don't know, so it's normal. Heck I know I was afraid the first time I did it.

It might help if you just let things happen instead of forcing it, I mean meet a guy you like, talk to him, and see where it goes instead of "picking" someone to take your virginity.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Idablows,

Welcome to JUB, and congratulated with becoming 21.

I tend to advise you to built up things slowly. So first get used to guys who, eg, stroke your hair, your legs (upper part), your hands (etc.). How about a guy who is kissing you, or a guy you are dancing with (while in the gay bar)? Alot has to do with you 'comfort zone'? How about walking hand in hand with a sweet guy? How do you think about that?

How about your experiences with girls (your profile indicates that you are 'bisexual'? Do you have the same feelings when it comes to being very close with girls?

Finally, be honest to guys you meet in telling them that you don't have experience with sex, and that you feel insecure. Decent and honest guys will understand this, and will threat you with respect.

 

[loveguys72]

First, a belated happy birthday!

I'm assuming you've never had sex at all, with a man or a woman (you say you're bi). I think it's mostly a fear of the unknown, and placing yourself in probably most vulnerable position a person can. Sex requires being completely trusting of the other person. How do you do with trusting people in non-sexual situations?

I suggest professional counseling to explore the root of your fear of intimacy. In the meanwhile, keep forcing yourself to be out there and socialize with people outside your regular social circle.

Good luck.

 

[Telstra]

First, I'd like to say hello to everyone!

Then I'd like to follow up with a problem...

So basically, I'm a virgin. But I don't want to be, for many reasons obviously. The issue is, I have an inane fear of sex, at least I think that's the issue.

So basically, I just turned 21 (yesterday actually! ) I live in a very small town so there's not a lot of out gay people my age. On top of that, I really only have an attraction to older gentleman. In their 30's-50's, no idea why, but I know it's partially do to me being super submissive.

Basically, when I was 18, I originally wanted to lose my virginity because, well I'm a dude. I tried joining manhunt and searched for my first victim, and while there were plenty of guys I was interested in, I'd always freak and flake out when it came to actually meeting up. I originally assumed it was because I was unsure about meeting random strangers IRL and doing something so intimate with them, so I just kind of wrote it off as "I'll know when the time is right."

Fast forward 3 years, and I'm just turning 21. My friends took me out to a gay bar (haven't had a chance to check out the daddy gay bar yet) and I was sure I'd finally be able to throw my V-card into the sun.

Unfortunately, two guys approached me during the night very passively, one was an older gentleman who was very attractive, the other one was more my age. This was my chance, but nope. Somehow my brain went into survival mode x10000 and I freaked out both times as if they were rapists or something.




This whole time I always thought this anxiety would go away once I got more out there, but nope. And I took awhile that night to really think about the situation, and I concluded I just have a crazy fear of sex, which is true. I've always had a very impenetrable bubble, I can't even talk to people very close except for good friends, so intimacy is out of the question. In my brain, I think about how easy it is to have sex, but if the possibility shows up in front of me, I realize how scary it is, how I wouldn't know what to do, and how nerve-racking it is.


So I'm just curious if any of you had/have this problem, and how would I go about getting rid of it.
I'd also like to mention that 1.) I can't think of anything in the past that would have triggered this kind of feeling. I was never really too self-conscious growing up, and I never had any type of traumatic sexual encounter. 2.) It's not a "I just need to get to know someone first/be in a relationship" kind of thing either, because even the thought of actually having sex with people I really like, have known for a long time, and I'm attracted to is nerve-racking. Plus, I'm really not the relationship type, well at least right now anyways. I had a few growing up and I hated having to give attention to someone for more than a day in a row.

Time. You are ONLY 21.
Let time be to judge.

 

[seven2go]

It can't be too small a town to have a gay bar.......

I'd probably be scared shitless too to have my first encounter with a complete stranger.
I guess all I can offer is don't jack off for a while, get so horny you're ready to fuck yourself and THEN go out.......

 

[Benvolio]

Watching porn will help you become more familiar with the mechanics of the thing, and it will seem more natural and less mysterious to you. Do not expect the first timt to be perfect, it will probably be a disappointment to you as you will be nervous, and afraid of being unable to perform, afraid of lookong foolish etc etc. When you do get together, don't spend too much time talking etc. Move in as rapidly as he will allow. Hug, kiss, and you will get a big jolt of hormones which will override your fears.
If you can afford it and find a way to get to a larger city, hiring an escort is a great way to start. You can choose someone you like and not worry about pleasing him. He will understand you are learning and help you get started.

 

[Idablows]

The first time I had sex, I regretted I didn´t get the chance to do it much earlier than that, hihi.

While I think that a psychologist could give you the best advice, I see this solved in 2 ways:
1. You will have a big urge to do it, and you eventually will, with someone you will just meet short time before.
2. You can wait until you actually find someone trustful, maybe build a relationship or just feel secure about him. Even if you´re convinced that relationships aren´t your thing, when it hits you, it fuckin hits you.

Being your first time, if the other guy gives you a bad impression about something or you don´t feel secure enough about him, don´t do it, regardless what. Make sure you´re satisfied with everything, the way he acts, if he seems trustful etc.

As long as you don´t go overboard, with forgetting practicing safe sex (or a similar error), a little bit of alcohol helps

Well, I've had a big urge to do it for at least 8 years, and you'd think 8 years of sexual suppression would catapult me onto a penis, but nay, it has not.

And two thing about the second point. I don't think I'll have a relationship at this point in my life, especially since I'm attracted to older men and those are extremely hard to find outside of bars where I'm assuming they mostly go just to get laid. Which is what I want. I don't think I could even have a relationship with an older man even if I tried, at least at this point in my life.

 

[Idablows]

Have you been honest with your friends? If so, it might be better to go to the bars alone. You might feel less pressure than with an audience. It would also help to have conversation and not sex on your mind. If you do discover you need a therapist to help with this you might find that the hurdles you've created with the lead up to sex might be more of a barrier than the fear of sex itself.

Debilitating fear is one thing, but there are reasonable fears. Those fears keep us out of harm's way.

Maybe you need some who's respectful and safe, but in charge.

Welcome to JUB!

Well, really good point about being honest with my friends. I do think that had a lot to do with it. They don't know about my preference in older gentleman, they always try to hook me up with twinks my age. *jumps off bridge*

I could try going alone, but it would most likely give me anxiety, especially since I'm very new to the gay scene. There is a daddy bar outside of town that I'd probably be more comfortable going to by myself, but I wouldn't know what to do when entering the door. Ever been to a bar by yourself? How do you do it?

 

[Idablows]

hi Idablows,

Welcome to JUB, and congratulated with becoming 21.

I tend to advise you to built up things slowly. So first get used to guys who, eg, stroke your hair, your legs (upper part), your hands (etc.). How about a guy who is kissing you, or a guy you are dancing with (while in the gay bar)? Alot has to do with you 'comfort zone'? How about walking hand in hand with a sweet guy? How do you think about that?

How about your experiences with girls (your profile indicates that you are 'bisexual'? Do you have the same feelings when it comes to being very close with girls?

Finally, be honest to guys you meet in telling them that you don't have experience with sex, and that you feel insecure. Decent and honest guys will understand this, and will threat you with respect.

Where would I find an older gentleman who is willing to treat me like a sexual baby haha? I don't expect anyone too, especially since I'm the one who wants it.

And yes, I'm the same way with girls but I have had intimate contact with them. No sex because I find it terrifying, but back when I was dating a girl, I was able to get close because being the "top" isn't as terrifying as being a bottom which is what I would desire when being intimate with a man.

 

[Idablows]

First, a belated happy birthday!

I'm assuming you've never had sex at all, with a man or a woman (you say you're bi). I think it's mostly a fear of the unknown, and placing yourself in probably most vulnerable position a person can. Sex requires being completely trusting of the other person. How do you do with trusting people in non-sexual situations?

I suggest professional counseling to explore the root of your fear of intimacy. In the meanwhile, keep forcing yourself to be out there and socialize with people outside your regular social circle.

Good luck.

Completely fine with trusting people. Never really had trust breached either in my lifetime.

Also, counseling costs $$$. And I'm pretty sure my insurance wont cover a fear of intimacy.

 

[aaggii]

and two thing about the second point. I don't think I'll have a relationship at this point in my life, especially since I'm attracted to older men and those are extremely hard to find outside of bars where I'm assuming they mostly go just to get laid. Which is what I want. I don't think I could even have a relationship with an older man even if I tried, at least at this point in my life.

Never say never. I used to think the same, and here I am, with a man more than twice my age, living with him on the other side on the continent from where my home is. I´m only 23. Don´t make plans when it comes to love or finding someone, trust me!

Why don´t you make a profile on daddyhunt, bearwww etc, you surely will find someone older interested in you!

 

[Idablows]

Never say never. I used to think the same, and here I am, with a man more than twice my age, living with him on the other side on the continent from where my home is. I´m only 23. Don´t make plans when it comes to love or finding someone, trust me!

Why don´t you make a profile on daddyhunt, bearwww etc, you surely will find someone older interested in you!

I've actually tried that, which is why I made a point to say I was in a small town (even though we have gay bars as someone tried to imply it isn't that small.) Men in my area are hardly ever active/account registration is low on those niche websites. The only active gay ones I've been on are manhunt and grindr but the older guys on those websites are few and far between.

I've also tried Growlr. Talked to some cute dads outside of my state haha, but nothing local.



Dear god, do I have to resort to craigslist?

 

[mbamike]

I had my first gay sex with a guy I found on Adam4Adam. I decided after a great deal of thinking and playing with my dildos that I wanted to experience gay sex and then went for it. I told him I was a gay virgin and wanted to experience gay sex. He was very understanding and accommodating.

I had some apprehensions while driving down to the motel, but I stayed strong and met with the guy. I'm glad I did! The sex was wonderful! We clicked so well that we ended up spending the entire weekend together. We fucked like rabbits. My ass was sore afterwards, but it was a great weekend.

BTW, we used condoms so my fear of catching some kind of disease was address.