How to "just be friends" without falling in love?

[bw92116]

I've known a guy for 3 and a half years now, and we're friends, but I keep falling in and out of love with him repeatedly. He knows I'm gay, he has no problem with it, and in fact I think he is bi or even gay, but won't label himself and seems uncomfortable even talking about that part of himself. We have never had sex though there were a few times when it was going in that direction but didn't happen. But we're friends on other subjects and we often enjoy being together. The problem for me is I keep falling in love with him. I go in and out of it, I have gone through a "grieving" period maybe 3 or 4 times, where I cry it out, but inevitably I start interacting with him again, and I get those "in love" feelings back again. My question is, what can I do to prevent me from falling in love with him, while still being friends with him?

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, sounds like you are mostly in the closet and don't interact with many gay guys. The only way to get out of the "crushing (it's not love, trust me) on straight friends" phase is to get into the "meeting gay guys" phase.

 

[punk301]

yea i have had a freind of 8 years that has been a similiar situation.

 

[bw92116]

Nope, I'm out.

 

[HunterM]

Keep distancing yourself from him (6 months to a year) even though you two enjoy each other's friendly company. Know that this is for your own good...to stop the emotional suffering. Meanwhile, date other people to fill that hole (no pun intended). Once you have found someone else to focus your attention/emotions in establishing a long term relationship, then it's a sign that you have let him go...and be "just friend" again.

 

[bw92116]

OK thanks... wow 6 months is going to be tough! We see each other about once a week.

 

[HunterM]

Remember...it's for your own good

Think of it as a...rehab.

 

[bw92116]

Yes, I understand, and I may take you up on that. I just wish I knew what his true feelings for me are.

 

[JC2008]

I've been in this situation enough times. I'm not the kind of guy that likes to go out on loads of dates. Give me my comfort zone anytime... sigh!

 

[Treborf]

You gotta find someone new. When Im trying to get over someone, I throw all my efforts into meeting another guy. And maybe make out with a few strangers. Once your focus is turned on to more available prospects, you won't be so hung up on your friend.

 

[bw92116]

Well I've already done that, ha ha! That's good though, thanks.

I guess for me it's just a matter of acceptance. Just accepting what is, instead of what I want it to be.

 

[glorylive1]

this sounds exactly like me and my best friend

 

[bw92116]

I think it's pretty common in male-female friendships too.

 

[ilovethongs]

Ive heard it said many times that when a guy and girl are best friends, one wants more. This much is true. Apply it to your own life and know that you're not alone. Acceptance in that will give you the freedom to get over it...albeit slowly. Ive been there and feel your pain

 

[altlover85]

I think some distance is a good idea. You might also want to think about what positive qualities he has and keep them on file while you're looking for a boyfriend, if that's something you would like.

I'd also think about his negative qualities and focus on those as that might snap you out of it.

Finally you might want to think about what purpose this crush is filling in your life.

You could clear the air with him and let him know that you have feelings for him, but I don't really see that going well if he is actually gay or bi, but closeted. One would think that he would feel comfortable enough to admit his sexuality since he knows yours, but perhaps that's dangerous to him for some reason.

Good luck with the situation and I hope you are able to resolve it.

 

[bw92116]

Thank you, that's a great reply.

 

[JC2008]

I think some distance is a good idea. You might also want to think about what positive qualities he has and keep them on file while you're looking for a boyfriend, if that's something you would like.

I'd also think about his negative qualities and focus on those as that might snap you out of it.

Finally you might want to think about what purpose this crush is filling in your life.

You could clear the air with him and let him know that you have feelings for him, but I don't really see that going well if he is actually gay or bi, but closeted. One would think that he would feel comfortable enough to admit his sexuality since he knows yours, but perhaps that's dangerous to him for some reason.

Good luck with the situation and I hope you are able to resolve it.

I like the bit about what purpose the crush is filling. For me its often been a perceeved prevention of hurt, I know this person so I believe they won't hurt me so I want them more. But its cliche really because I end up hurting because I can't have the person that I believe won't ever hurt me!

 

[Seasoned]

Yes, I understand, and I may take you up on that. I just wish I knew what his true feelings for me are.

This, I'm afraid is your problem. You keep hanging on to hope. This is what you have to let go of. Even if it turns out that he's gay there's a good probability that you're not his type. You have held on to your hope too long. Let him go as a fantasy boyfriend.

 

[bw92116]

Ok thanks, I always enjoy your comments on similar threads and now you've made a contribution to my own thread.

 

[chance1]

You gotta find someone new. When Im trying to get over someone, I throw all my efforts into meeting another guy. And maybe make out with a few strangers. Once your focus is turned on to more available prospects, you won't be so hung up on your friend.

Yep

that's the ticket

you need to REPLACE the guy you cannot have with one who you can and you do