how to let go and move on

[hhoiffk2004]

ok. to those people that have broken up with their ex or to those people that havent, do u guys have any suggestions or advice on how to forget about what happened??

when you break up, do u usually feel alone??

now my question is, are there any ways on how to forget what happened and how to not feel that you are alone. i know i have my friends and family around but somehow i still feel alone.

im sure a lot of people have experienced this, though i think this one is painful for me coz it is my first relationship.

whether you have experiences or not, do u have any advices and suggestions on how to overcome this??

thanks guys!!

 

[G-Lexington]

One thing to remember. We can't control our feelings, but we can control our actions. You might feel broken up inside, but you can still decide what to do while you're feeling this way.

The two main things that help are "stay busy" and "stay social". Don't sit around at home waiting for the feeling to go away. Fill the void with something. Get started on that big project at home. Take up a new hobby. Go see some more shows. Volunteer. Anything that gets you up and busy is good.

And stay social. Part of your relationship with your ex was simple social interaction. So fulfill that from other people. Hang out with your friends and family more. Talk with them more on the phone. Chat with people more at work.

It's a process. Don't keep wondering if you're over him, or "half-over him". Just focus on living your life.

Lex

 

[hhoiffk2004]

One thing to remember. We can't control our feelings, but we can control our actions. You might feel broken up inside, but you can still decide what to do while you're feeling this way.

The two main things that help are "stay busy" and "stay social". Don't sit around at home waiting for the feeling to go away. Fill the void with something. Get started on that big project at home. Take up a new hobby. Go see some more shows. Volunteer. Anything that gets you up and busy is good.

And stay social. Part of your relationship with your ex was simple social interaction. So fulfill that from other people. Hang out with your friends and family more. Talk with them more on the phone. Chat with people more at work.

It's a process. Don't keep wondering if you're over him, or "half-over him". Just focus on living your life.

Lex

thanks for that advice but i just want to tell u that im not out and that my relationship with another guy was a secret. the hard part is i cant talk about it with anyone, not with my friends or family and that is why i feel alone. im actually trying to get busy like what you said but the social interaction part that you said, that i cant do.

so is there any other way to release this feeling. i really wanna talk about it with someone but i dont know to who??

 

[Orlandude]

Understand that part of the loneliness you are feeling is not only about the absence of the daily companionship of your ex, but a great deal of it is about the absence of intimacy that you had in your life. Companionship, we can find in our friends and family, whether or not you are out to them. But it's hard to replace the intimacy and, in your case, you have nobody to discuss that aspect. Also understand that breaking up and moving on can be similar to the grief process. We tend to feel bad that it didn't work out or maybe there are hard feelings that have to be overcome or a whole host of other things. Part of that grief process is "acceptance". It is usually the final stage towards moving on. There is no time limit and everyone is different. Some people accept and "get over it" faster than others, depending on the situation and their feelings about it. At the same time, you can't wallow in it because if you do, you are only hurting yourself. You deserve better. Remember how it was before you met your ex and get back in touch with yourself. Sometimes we all have a tendency to wrap ourselves around the other person so much that we lose our own identity. Re-capture yourself and be yourself. Yes, it's going to hurt for awhile. That's the risk of letting your heart go. But it shouldn't stop you from reaching out again. You can't go through life being afraid to love for fear of getting hurt. As others suggested, immerse yourself in activities, family and friends. The fact that you are not "out" makes no difference. The fact that you are openly discussing your feelings in a forum like this, is a good thing. It means you are trying to move on and expressing yourself and your feelings is a part of that.

You will let go and move on. It is just a matter of time so don;t beat yourself up about it. One day at a time.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>The fact that you are not "out" makes no difference.

In a sense, I think it does. Whenever an "out" person breaks up, he can tell his friends and family. Then they can offer comfort and support, do that "he's a jerk/you're better off without him" stuff, and help take his mind off things. Whenever a closeted person breaks up, he's stuck maintaining the "everything's fine" pose when he feels broken up inside. The one person who might understand, who might have been around to lean on...is the guy he broke up with.

You're more than welcome to keep using us for a sounding board, but we're not going to be able to provide the kind of support and comfort that a real-life friend will. Do give some thought to your friends - is there anybody you can REALLY confide in? That's what friends are supposed to be for, after all.

Lex

 

[Syn]

My ex broke up with me two months ago. For the first month and a half I was feeling just like you. I felt so lonely especially when I saw other people together all happy. I live with two other gay men and it was hard to see them with their boyfriends every weekend living life like they usually did.

It also was my first relationship and we were together for about 11 and a half months. I was having a hard time trying to deal with just the fact that I lost him and I lost what we had together. I went back and forth between deciding if I wanted to just forget about the relationship and forget whatever happened. I also wanted to celebrate what I had and celebrate that I was in love and was loved. (That was hard for me to get a grip on, because was I really loved) Friends were telling me I should just forget about it and others were telling me to only look at the good things that happened in the relationship.

I'm mostly out. My sister knows that I am gay but my parents do not. I have been dying to tell my parents that I'm gay even when I was in the relationship because I thought it would be good for them to see that I had someone to love and they loved me. I almost wanted to tell them around when we broke up because I just needed support from my parents.

Needless to say, the last few weeks have been really uplifting. Take comfort in JUB. This is a great community. Start posting more you will meet wonderful people here. Maybe you will find people in your area, you might meet more gay people that might help you on your way to coming out.

PM me if you have any questions.

 

[StlKj]

You cannot forget what happened, and trying to will only make you think of it more.

Besides TIME, talking about it can help, but if you can't talk about it with anyone, write about it. Take up journaling. Explore not only your sadness at your loss, but any other emotions that are coming up.

Also, you might be jumping back between wanting it back and wishing it had never happened at all. One thing that could help is by listing what you are grateful for about the experience. What did it teach you about yourself? What did it teach you about love? How might it have helped you? Focusing on the good things you have been left with, and how those things will prepare you for love in the future, might help you as well. Tell yourself you are grateful for those parts that were good. The "what ifs" and "if onlys" will only keep the wound open and bleeding.

Hang in there.

 

[hhoiffk2004]

thanks guys i appreciate your replies. i've actually done some of ur suggestions like socialising. thank you very much!!