How to turn down a guy without hurting his feelings?

[hunky]

I am in a major dilemma right now. I met a guy and at first I was interested in him, but as we talked I found he was not what I wanted as lover. He was not serious on his last relations, he likes to flirt with many guys as I could see it myself. The problem is that now he is very interested in me and I do not want to hurt his feelings.

 

[slobone]

Shouldn't be a big problem. Use some variant on the old "it's not you, it's me" ploy (but avoid those exact words).

"You're a great guy, but this really isn't a good time for me to get involved with anybody.... I've got a lot on my mind... My family is taking up all of my free time right now... I've been really busy at work, and by the time I get home I'm too exhausted to see anybody... I've just joined a Bible study group, would you like to come along?"

Choose one of the above.

 

[slobone]

Or maybe you could tell him you've become Baptist.

Hehe -- great minds, etc.

 

[sb]

maybe you just think he is really interested in you..... if he is a really good flirt...

 

[confusedboy23]

Everyone will experience hurt when they are rejected no matter how it is done. It is how they deal with it that matters. If he really is a flirt, then I don't think it would be too much of a problem from him.

 

[eric55]

Be honest with him and tell him exactly what you've said here. Make sure you lead in and wrap up in a gentle way, but ultimately he deserves to have a fair explanation. Infact, he may not even be aware that he's acting the way he is. He may be able to explain himself which may or may not make a difference. Ultimately though, just because he's just notthe guy for you, shouldn't make him feel THAT bad.

Being honest with him as to why he's not what you're looking for will keep him from making guesses as to what he did wrong. I think that alone is the biggest reason people take rejection so hard. When you get dumped for some flimsy reason, everyone knows there's more to it than the flimsy excuse. Those old 2am feelings of inadequacy haunt all of us and they come out for a visit when we're looking to resolve why person X didn't choose us. Is my dick too small, is it my crooked teeth, am I boring.... we all have a list long as your arm of things we're unsure of.

Telling this guy some flimsy made up story is no way to be kind to him. Strap on a pair and tell him the truth in a kind way, and offer to be friendly, but don't try to snow him... it's a waste of his time and makes you look like a liar too.

 

[gingentleman]

Bravo Eric55 ! Your post is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Honesty is always best, wrapped in kindness.

 

[slobone]

Be honest with him and tell him exactly what you've said here. Make sure you lead in and wrap up in a gentle way, but ultimately he deserves to have a fair explanation. Infact, he may not even be aware that he's acting the way he is. He may be able to explain himself which may or may not make a difference. Ultimately though, just because he's just notthe guy for you, shouldn't make him feel THAT bad.

Being honest with him as to why he's not what you're looking for will keep him from making guesses as to what he did wrong. I think that alone is the biggest reason people take rejection so hard. When you get dumped for some flimsy reason, everyone knows there's more to it than the flimsy excuse. Those old 2am feelings of inadequacy haunt all of us and they come out for a visit when we're looking to resolve why person X didn't choose us. Is my dick too small, is it my crooked teeth, am I boring.... we all have a list long as your arm of things we're unsure of.

Telling this guy some flimsy made up story is no way to be kind to him. Strap on a pair and tell him the truth in a kind way, and offer to be friendly, but don't try to snow him... it's a waste of his time and makes you look like a liar too.

Gee, if it was up to me, I'd rather have somebody say, I'm too busy right now, than, I'm not interested in you because you're a big flirt. Who needs insult added to injury? The truth is not always the kindest response.

 

[eric55]

Gee, if it was up to me, I'd rather have somebody say, I'm too busy right now, than, I'm not interested in you because you're a big flirt. Who needs insult added to injury? The truth is not always the kindest response.

I'm curious Slobone (honestly, I'm not slinging mud here...) I consider myself a big flirt, and if someone told me they didn't feel comfortable dating me because of it I really don't think I'd see that as an insult. My ex mentionned various reasons why he was unsure about dating me before we hooked up and nothing he said came across as an insult. I really beleive anything can be said to someone if you say it the right way and in a constructive manner..

This is all assuming of course this is not just some meaningless one night stand who wants your phone number, but someone who you've gotten to know a bit and are at the point of deciding, do we date more seriously or not. In that context I'd be insulted to get the blow off after spending a couple of weeks persuing... you know what I mean?

So, how come you'd feel slighted for being called a flirt?

 

[ixthrock]

Enjoy his company. You, ultimately, will be in control of how serious any relationship might become ....

this is the most positive, universally empowering, response to all of the threads i've seen around this particular issue. congratulations are in order, hty2, for nailing this one dead on the money.

i'm thinking of starting another thread to elaborate, as this is a personal beef of mine, but until then, thank you for being so incredibly well-reasoned and insightful.

 

[slobone]

I'm curious Slobone (honestly, I'm not slinging mud here...) I consider myself a big flirt, and if someone told me they didn't feel comfortable dating me because of it I really don't think I'd see that as an insult. My ex mentionned various reasons why he was unsure about dating me before we hooked up and nothing he said came across as an insult. I really beleive anything can be said to someone if you say it the right way and in a constructive manner..

This is all assuming of course this is not just some meaningless one night stand who wants your phone number, but someone who you've gotten to know a bit and are at the point of deciding, do we date more seriously or not. In that context I'd be insulted to get the blow off after spending a couple of weeks persuing... you know what I mean?

So, how come you'd feel slighted for being called a flirt?

Well, I'm not a flirt, so I guess I couldn't say how that would feel. But if you are a flirt, and somebody tells you that, how does that help you? It's not like you can reach inside your brain, find the Flirt button, and turn it off. This is not one of those "you have a piece of spinach in your teeth" situations.

I'm just not a big fan of honesty in general. I don't see why people think it's helpful to someone to tell them very frankly what's wrong with them, unless of course they ask you to.

There are a lot of other ways of turning somebody down without having to tell them something they probably don't want to hear.

 

[brady_lee]

it's nice of u trying to turn someone down without hurting him .i think,just letting him know of that is enough,if he is the one who deserves ur niceness!

 

[SFMusic]

Be honest with him ... and tell him the truth in a kind way, and offer to be friendly, but don't try to snow him... it's a waste of his time and makes you look like a liar too.

Excellent advice. I once had a cute guy reject me with the following line, and because he said it with sincerity, I have remembered it ever since as the sweetest and kindest rejection I ever received:

He said "I'm really flattered that you're so interested in me. You seem like a really terriffic guy, and I'm sure you are going to make someone a great boyfriend, but I'm not that person. Good luck."

Short, truthful and to the point. It was delivered with a sincere smile and I sensed that he really did care about not hurting my feelings. It made all the difference in the world (to me).