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how to turn down unwanted advances

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trikky

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maybe you can help me here guys. I am at the early stages of entering into the gay life so to speak coming from a background of having no gay friends. About 7 weeks ago I joined a local social group for gay guys which is mainly for closeted, newly out guys or people new to the area. A small number of the guys are long term out and just join to socialise. Most weeks there are 20 guys that turn up for 1.5 hours and then most guys then go for a drink to a local gay bar. It has been a really good way for me to meet other gay guys in a non bar/ non sexual environment. The age range is 18-70 and the guys range from totally closeted to out and proud guys. Some people only attend a few times, make some friends and move on. The group intends that people do so, as there are always a few new people arriving every week. There is no format, you just turn up grab a coffee and just chat to guys.

Anyway I have found my feet there now and really enjoy going. However my motive for going initially was to make some gay friends and broaden my social circle. If I happened to meet a guy there then that would be a bonus. But beyond that I had no specific agenda as such. However I have found a few guys there who I really like and would like to either have as friends and one who I would like to take things further with, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that there are 2 guys who seem to be very interested in me and I am unsure how to back them off without causing too much problem, because they are regulars at this club and I don't want to stop going. Now when I was totally closeted I often had gay guys discreetly hitting on me and I just pretended like I never realised what they were doing and they backed off. The first guy is a 67 yo guy who I chatted to quite a bit just being friendly. He has for the last 3 weeks been trying to get me to go walking with him with a gay walking club. I also find that he has started to monopolise my time at the club and has been stopping me from talking to other guys (except this week when I didn't let that happen.) He has told me 3 or 4 times that he is only attracted to guys under 35 and I said so am I (:-D) I am hoping that by my actions and lack of interest he will take the hint and I won't have to actually have to tell him I'm not interested. The thing is I don't mind chatting to him, but that is it really I don't want to develop anything from there.

The 2nd one is a bit more complicated. This is a 26 yo guy called Alan. It started a couple of weeks ago when he was talking to me and another guy who he knew better about his insecurities and I gave him some encouraging words. Last week he had a problem with nerves going into the group on his own and asked this other guy to meet him but the other guy wasn't going and asked me if I would meet him instead and go in with him. I chatted quite a bit to him that night and later he was showing a funny text he had on his phone and I asked him to forward it to me because I wanted to use it. I think he read into that that I was doing it to give him my number. He texted me the next day to say thanks for going in with him etc and I texted back to say no problem. Anyway this week he texted me before the meeting to ask if I wanted to meet up beforehand, but I was working and told him so. At the meeting he sat with me all night and again when we went for a drink, although I was actually chatting mainly to a guy who I was very interested in who has just joined. I got the feeling that Alan was going to make a move on me at some point, and as everyone left it got down to just me and Alan left. He didn't actually make a move on me but ended up telling me about his exs and personal stuff and I ended up really quite sad for him because he seems really isolated. When we left he texted me later to say thanks for listening to him and it means a lot to him. Anyway tonight he texted me asking if I wanted to go out. I am suffering with a stinking cold and so told him so and said I couldn't go out but not quite in those words. Anyway I don't know if he is developing a crush on me or just likes me as a friend. Now he isn't a bad looking guy and he is good fun to be around, but I know he has insecurities and I just don't want to end up making them worse by my actions. To be honest I could have a no strings mess around with this guy but I feel that it could be bad for him. I know he has done NS before because he has told me so but I think I am probably safer not getting involved as we both are regulars now at the group and I don't want any awkwardness if things went sour. So the question is how can I let him know I am only interested in him as a friend without having to just tell him so or is that my only option.

Help!
 
As for the old guy, I think you made it pretty obvious, if he keeps making advances then tell him so. With Alan, I think it would be fair to just tell him what you have said here. If you value a friendship with him then make it so, but make it clear that you don't want to cross a line.
 
Next time either of them sound like they're putting the moves on you, just call them on it. "I'm sorry, are you making a play for me? I thought you knew we were just friends." Say it with a smile, and that should make it very clear where you're standing.

Lex
 
Just turn them down. be warned that they might become vindicative in your little social circle, especially the 67 year old. You'd think being that old would yield to some maturity, but you'd be surprised how often they are the least mature.
 
"I just want you to know that I'm not interested in you like that." or something. I often try to keep politely chatting too and it doesn't work - it gives the wrong idea. When they obviously are hitting on you, just say something along those lines.
 
With the older guy, it's a matter of disengaging. Just say, "I've enjoyed talking to you but, if you'll excuse me, I want to catch John before he leaves and talk with him a bit." If he persists with the come-ons, use Lex's suggestion to say something to the effect of, "I'm glad we're friends but that's all we are, right?".

The other guy is a bit more complicated because it's not him you don't want to date, it's his problems that you don't want to date. There's two things that you can do for him:

The first is to be honest that think he's cute but that you like him as a friend and you want to remain friends.

The other thing that you can do is encourage him to continue coming and meeting guys but also consider getting some counseling to help with his social anxiety. Being a friend is a two-way thing and this guy is just taking from you without offering anything in return. It's great that you're willing to be a listening ear but it does put you in the awkward position of having your time manipulated. And the reason that you are there, after all, is to meet people.
 
an update - Well Alan spent the latest meeting hanging around with me most of the time even as I was chatting to other guys. He made some jealous sounding comments towards 2 guys who I was showing an interest in. I really think he has developed a crush on me and has texted me again tonight asking if I wanna go out dancing with him. He is really touchy feeley with me but I have decided that I don't want to get involved at all even in hooking up. I would still like to be friends with him because I do find his company fun, but what is the best way to relay that message? Do I just say it or what?
 
trikky said:
...He is really touchy feeley with me but I have decided that I don't want to get involved at all even in hooking up. I would still like to be friends with him because I do find his company fun, but what is the best way to relay that message? Do I just say it or what?
Click to expand...

Go somewhere where you have privacy.

"Listen- I want to talk to you about something. I really like you and I value your friendship but I get the feeling that you might want something more from me than just friendship."

"I don't want to use the lame, 'I like you as a friend' line because that's not fair to you but I have to be honest and say that I think you're a great guy and there's a guy out there for you but that guy isn't me. I want to hang out with you and be friends but I also like you enough that I don't want lead you on or hurt you."
 
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