How would you have reacted?

[coltonhaynes]

I rejeced a guy in May, and I can't stop pondering about it. I thus are going to write down the whole situation, and I would be so very grateful if some of you would read the whole post, and tell me what you think about that guy, and whether you think I was right or wrong to reject him.

First of all: He messaged me on a dating website. I saw his profile, and I was kind of repulsed almost immediately. He was acting really tough guy there, saying he was looking for a relationship, but was happy by himself, and that the glass was never half full, it was as full as it was. It's hard to deliver, lol, but in essence, he was protesting against the guys who were supposed to message him, and I think that this so ridiculous and counter-productive.

Anyway, I still agreed to exchange phone-numbers with him, and I tried to spark a conversation with him, but he repulsed me further. He IMMEDIATELY asked me what I valued in a relationship, to which I couldn't really give an answer, because I don't have too narrow perceptions. He immediately said that he will never agree to an open relationship and stuff. It's fine if he doesn't wish for one (I don't either really), but it repulsed me that he talked about relationship prospects with a guy he only just got to know, and hadn't even met in person, yet >.< I also told him soon, that I hoped to get married some day, and he laughed at that, too, saying there was no husband material in the lgbt community. Like wow, judgemental something? He seemed misanthropic, and scarred by life, and I'm not like that at all, so I felt repulsed.

But the worst thing coming out of this conversation: I wanted to know what he does in his free-time, and he literally said, and I'm not joking: "I love being to myself." Like, I get that honesty is best, but I don't understand how you can say something like that to a date? Wouldn't you want to present yourself as good as possible?
Besides, I could say that me wanting a people's person as a partner is something I did not know I wanted. But to be honest, I've known for years that I want my partner to make me socialize more. I have social anxiety, and as such I am to myself more than I would like, and I fucking hate it >.<

So yeah, I stopped texting him after that, and hoped he would take it as a hint that I wasn't interested. But around my birthday, he then messaged me and said that he hoped we could meet up soon. I then broke the news to him that I wasn't interested.

I thought rejecting him would make me feel really good, but it didn't. He seemed interested in me, and somewhat disappointed when I rejected him, and it didn't feel as satisfactory as I thought it would.

So yeah, what I want to know is written at the beginning of my post.

 

[Seasoned]

It seems as though you have some guilt over this rejection and perhaps some sadness as well because it didn't go anywhere. You need tougher skin in this regard and a bit more caution.

You used the word, repulsed, repeatedly and yet seem to have wanted something to develop with this guy. Follow your instincts and don't overlook warnings. I understand giving someone the benefit of doubt early on, but not repeatedly.

You'll also save yourself a lot of angst by not giving your personal info too early. I'd stick with the dating app to exchange messages and not give my phone number until I knew it was going somewhere.

Finally, I'd work on being assertive, which is difficult for most people because we live in a passive-aggressive culture. You're entitled to chose who to pursue and who not to pursue for whatever reason. Once in a relationship which you decide to end the correct thing is to explain yourself except in the case of abuse.

You'll want to be careful of being passive in the initial stages of meeting someone. Never allow yourself to be talked into anything out of guilt, pity or pressure.

 

[coltonhaynes]

You used the word, repulsed, repeatedly and yet seem to have wanted something to develop with this guy.

You've gotten me pretty well, except this. I couldn't see myself being romantically involved with him at any point, I might have wanted to give it several chances, but like I said, he was misanthropic, and I don't need that. He seemed to want to be romantically involved with me, though, and I guess that does raise guilt within me. But in the end, I know it's not wrong to be selective with whom you get in a relationship with

I also agree I give out my phone numer too soon, but I always think the other will feel rejected if I deny them my number.

 

[sixthson]

We may need more info before replying. Why do you think he is still taking up space in your brain? Did he intrigue you somehow? Even someone who repulses you might have some kind of appeal to you. Perhaps you secretly wanted to get to know him better, which doesn't mean you have to love him or date him. You wanted him to put his best foot forward but maybe that was what he was doing by being honest? People can be different than how they initially present themselves. How would you answer these things?

I'm glad you are asking questions here because some guys here have amazing insights into personalities and relationships.

 

[eastofeden]

If any guy talked about relationships the first moment I met him...I would politely move on my way. If he pushed me...I would tell him why....

My thing was trying to avoid relationships so mentioning one immediately is not a good sign....

I think the being alone thing is good though....I loved my alone time and have no problem at all enjoying myself fully alone...which IMO is a very good quality to have in a partner.

The bottom line though..no matter what he said...if someone repulses me...I would just go with that and not even think about why because I think you should pay attention to your instincts and "repulsion" is a pretty strong one....

 

[KaraBulut]

Once upon a time... we went to places like clubs, saw people in person (and they saw us). We chatted briefly and from that, tried to get an idea of whether the person was worth your time. The good part of those days is that you were able to get a better impression and you also had a feeling about whether it was a one night stand or maybe something else.

The problem with these internet and social media encounters is that every crazy and off-the-wall person (who you would never have to meet in person) now has the ability to find out information about you and then contact you.

How would you have reacted?

Bottom line: if you don't like someone or they're not someone that you would talk to in person, then don't waste your time with them over the internet.

 

[tarallucci]

The weirdest people are on these dating websites.

I would have reacted the same way. It's always a bit harsh rejecting someone. If you are not "satisfied" it means you are probably sorry for him and somehow still attracted to him...

 

[swerve]

What an egotistical opinionated dick...

It sounds to me that you handled things PERFECTLY!!!

Couldn't have done it better...

Move on -- no second guessing -- no remorse...

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have spent over a month thinking about a guy I didn't want.

 

[Telstra]

Good replies.
Hard to tell the type of person online and in real life.
People online can be very rude but in person can be nice.

 

[coltonhaynes]

To those who are asking how I can still think about it over a month later, know that I'm a compulsive ponderer. I can't shut stuff out of my brain, or at least it takes half a year, or longer. I continue thinking about and analyzing situation, remorseful that I didn't react differently. I wouldn't bet money that it was out of attraction, tho.

That dudefirst contacted me in April, and told me all that laughable stuff about him, and in retrospect I wished I had rejected him quite cruely. I was rather polite, tho, when he messaged me weeks later and said he hoped to meet me.

The weirdest people are on these dating websites.

That's true, but there are also a lot of decent ones. I'd say half the guys are crazy, but the other half is definately husband material, either for me, or someone else.

Once upon a time... we went to places like clubs, saw people in person (and they saw us). We chatted briefly and from that, tried to get an idea of whether the person was worth your time. The good part of those days is that you were able to get a better impression and you also had a feeling about whether it was a one night stand or maybe something else.

Like I said, tho, I have social anxiety. Going to clubs, especially ones where I get constantly perved at, is not my thing. I guess I understand what it feels like for girls in common clubs.

The problem with these internet and social media encounters is that every crazy and off-the-wall person (who you would never have to meet in person) now has the ability to find out information about you and then contact you.


Bottom line: if you don't like someone or they're not someone that you would talk to in person, then don't waste your time with them over the internet.

you have the ability to cut them off, though. It's actually easier when you're not doing it in person.

If any guy talked about relationships the first moment I met him...I would politely move on my way. If he pushed me...I would tell him why....

My thing was trying to avoid relationships so mentioning one immediately is not a good sign....

I'm looking for a relationship, though, but he was being too upfront about it.

I think the being alone thing is good though....I loved my alone time and have no problem at all enjoying myself fully alone...which IMO is a very good quality to have in a partner.

I agree that it's important to give a patner space, and being capable of entertaining yourself on your own, but I don't think you understand. He essentially said he prefers being alone over having company. I just don't think that way AT ALL. I spend more time alone than I'd prefer, as such I can't understand why someone might prefer being to themself.

Plus, I essentially have know for a long time that I would want a partner to make me socialize more.

You wanted him to put his best foot forward but maybe that was what he was doing by being honest? People can be different than how they initially present themselves.

Let's say, I don't see a point in trying to frighten a potential partner, and pushing character traits in the foreground.

I'm glad you are asking questions here because some guys here have amazing insights into personalities and relationships.

I'm glad I am given a platform to ask, and even more so that people here actually read, and ofter their help to issues, haha. A huge ponderer like me just has to get things out of his system.

 

[KaraBulut]

Once upon a time... we went to places like clubs, saw people in person (and they saw us). We chatted briefly and from that, tried to get an idea of whether the person was worth your time. The good part of those days is that you were able to get a better impression and you also had a feeling about whether it was a one night stand or maybe something else.
Like I said, tho, I have social anxiety. Going to clubs, especially ones where I get constantly perved at, is not my thing. I guess I understand what it feels like for girls in common clubs.

It's not that the clubs were the perfect solution. It's the increasingly less-personal aspect of interactions that is the issue. There's a component of meeting someone face-to-face that gives a better impression when compared to letters on a screen.

Reading your original post, it just seems that this guy was sending up the red flags very early (even if the interactions were solely over the internet). It's unclear why you continued interacting with someone who sounds who sounds wholly incompatible with you.

The problem with these internet and social media encounters is that every crazy and off-the-wall person (who you would never have to meet in person) now has the ability to find out information about you and then contact you.

Bottom line: if you don't like someone or they're not someone that you would talk to in person, then don't waste your time with them over the internet.

you have the ability to cut them off, though. It's actually easier when you're not doing it in person.

True.

Something to think about: social anxiety doesn't improve when you avoid social situations. Quite the opposite, actually.

When you have confidence in yourself and you have more experience navigating social interactions, it does get easier to be frank with guys to say: "Don't contact me anymore".

 

[DarkHelios]

That dudefirst contacted me in April, and told me all that laughable stuff about him, and in retrospect I wished I had rejected him quite cruely. I was rather polite, tho, when he messaged me weeks later and said he hoped to meet me.

Why would you want to reject him cruelly? Wouldn't simply rejecting him be enough? Maybe I'm not reading this correctly, but it sounds like you held off on rejecting him long after you knew you weren't interested.

I'm looking for a relationship, though, but he was being too upfront about it.

What's wrong with being upfront with what you want? Woul'dn't you rather know sooner rather than later if you're looking for the same thing or not.

I agree that it's important to give a patner space, and being capable of entertaining yourself on your own, but I don't think you understand. He essentially said he prefers being alone over having company. I just don't think that way AT ALL. I spend more time alone than I'd prefer, as such I can't understand why someone might prefer being to themself.

Plus, I essentially have know for a long time that I would want a partner to make me socialize more.

There's nothing wrong with preferring to be on your own. It just means that he's not the right guy for YOU. It's not a flaw on his part, just a sign that the two of you aren't compatible. Not everyone wants the same thing.

Let's say, I don't see a point in trying to frighten a potential partner, and pushing character traits in the foreground.

Would you rather someone portray a fake persona, and only show you what they're really like after you've gotten attached to them?

I'm glad I am given a platform to ask, and even more so that people here actually read, and ofter their help to issues, haha. A huge ponderer like me just has to get things out of his system.

I'm an overthinker myself, so I totally get this

 

[kev]

Always trust your first instinct...it is usually correct, and it was in this instance.

I agree with swerve...you handled this well.

It is also okay to think about it afterwards. You probably were a little shell-shocked (a.k.a., PTSD) by this, but thinking about it helps you learn to know when to say "no" next time.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have spent over a month thinking about a guy I didn't want.

Pretty much this. From his profile alone, it's clear the guy is a jaded douche. And apparently you thought so too. Why did you even start communicating with him in the first place?

 

[coltonhaynes]

Pretty much this. From his profile alone, it's clear the guy is a jaded douche. And apparently you thought so too. Why did you even start communicating with him in the first place?

I enjoyed the attention.

I thought he might be better than the first impression he gave.

I wasn't strong enough to say no.

Pick a reason.

Anyway, once he gave a really bad impression to me, I stopped texting him. I'd thought he would take the hint that I wasn't interest. But whether he wanted to congrat me or not, on my birthday he then texted me again, saying he hoped we could meet up soon. I then realized I had to tell him what was up.

 

[Rolyo85]

Still unclear on why he's still on your mind. I've gone through hundreds of such interactions and I don't remember even the face of a single one of them.

 

[coltonhaynes]

Still unclear on why he's still on your mind.

Don't try understanding, I don't expect anyone to. I'm a compulsive ponderer and overthinker, that's the best explanation I can give. It's the reason I open threads like these, to get it out of my system at least a little bit.