Huge relationship problem

[Fershure]

Hey, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. When we first started dating, he would be at my house pretty much all the time. We did everything together. During the past year, we'd never hang out with our friends alone. We would always hang out with friends WITH one another. That was fine and all, I had no issues.

Couple months later, we started to hang out at his house rather than my house. I'd be sleeping over at his house for a few nights, then go back home to get a clean change of clothes.. etc. I was there so much that his parents allowed me to move in. Now, keep in mind his parents DON'T know that we're gay. They simply think we're just good friends. Anyway, that's not the problem.

Through our relationship, we've become accustomed to doing pretty much everything together. We're even in the same class in College. We wake up, play some video games, go to school, come home, watch TV, then sleep. The only time we're away from each other is if one of us has work or class. It's just normal to us to always be together.

A couple months ago, we had a rift in our relationship. One of us found out about the Grindr App and we both created a profile with a fake picture of someone else to check it out. We ended up having a fun time, as bad as that is. We would get other people's pics and send pics we got from a random guy online. After a certain point, he lost interest. Personally, I found it as something new to do and continued to do it. He got upset because I was spending more and more time on it. While we were watching TV or doing other stuff. I promised him I'd stop and he said okay.

Fast forward about a month, I got bored and decided to download again. I really wasn't thinking about what he thought about it.. I just wanted something fun to do. The grew larger than Grindr and I started talking to guys on my laptop too. I didn't send pics of myself at all, just a fake person. Anyway.. the conversations got pretty real and this one guy had asked me to send him a cock picture because he wanted to look at it has he fucked himself with a Dildo so I sent him one. The next day, he MSN'd me saying thanks and he couldn't walk the next day. (I assume due to using the Dildo) It kind of creeped me out hearing that, so I just stopped responding. Now, the problem is... my boyfriend found it and obviously thought the guy was talking about me. It sounded like I met the guy and fucked him, which wasn't possible. But when someone says something like that, what else was my boyfriend supposed to think?

My boyfriend ended up asking some friends for advice. His two close friends who were in a relationship of their own. They're the type of people who think they know everything and they're at a higher status than most people. Pretty arrogant people. They told him this is who I've been all along, and I was a cheater and a liar. They believe I went and met the guy and fucked him, and told my boyfriend to break up with me. I showed my boyfriend the emails with the guy asking for a pic because he was using a Dildo so he knew I didn't do anything. Despite what my boyfriend told them, they still decided to believe I cheated. My boyfriend got extremely upset with them, especially since they won't trust him.. and has stopped talking to them.

I feel really guilty for it, and told him to talk to them. He said that they've annoyed him before and he always complains about them, even before he met me and this is just an excuse not to talk to them.

ANYWAYS! That was a few months ago and we've been patched up and been great, on those terms. Anyway.. my boyfriend and I have a problem with it comes to sex. He has a huge sex drive while mine is very small. I actually have high estrogen levels in my body, which decreases my sex drive. (At least my Doctor said that.) It gets to a point where I get upset and frustrated when he asks for sex. He'll ask at least 7 times a day, and I told him I'm not in the mood today. I felt extremely bad for it, and I was thinking that maybe he needed someone else to please his needs. It's really upsetting that I can't keep up.

I had a thought that maybe we should be in an open relationship.. although I'm highly against them. Well, at least an open relationship on his part. Not mine.. just his. I started looking for guys that could do that for him. He ended up finding out, and told me that he doesn't want anyone else.. he says he's fine with our sex life and he'll stop asking.

PROBLEM

As I said, we do everything together. I have actually met some people online in my city that I'd like to hang out with, but I'd want to do it alone. We're with each other SO MUCH and I just want time to myself with some friends once in a while, but I don't know what to do about it. I know he'll think something is up and I feel deep down if he knows I'm hanging out with a guy I met in this city, he'll be thinking the worst. I miss hanging out with new people... but I have no choice. I feel like I have to pick always staying in VS going out with some friends but knowing my boyfriend is wondering. I feel, because of that.. I'm trapped in that sense. Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces.. but I feel that I can't completely breath. I was thinking about moving out, but I won't be able to do that any time soon. I just don't know how to bring it up to him without him thinking there's something wrong.

 

[anchihiro]

And his parents really don't know you two are gay?

You sound young, and what you did on the internet was wrong, he might not be able to help being a little suspicious from now on.
I'd suggest movig out, back to your old place for now. You'd get the space you need.
His sex drive, well if he said he's fine with yours then take his word for it. If you want to make new friends and develop a bit without him, thats perfectly understandable. But it's that trust issue again which you previously broke.
So....communication is the key, sit down and talk to him. Make sure he knows its not a rejection of him but a chance for you to spread your wings. After you've made a few new friends etc proven to him it's not an issue and still keep your relationship strong. Then he won't have any problems. In theory. x

 

[Fershure]

And his parents really don't know you two are gay?

You sound young, and what you did on the internet was wrong, he might not be able to help being a little suspicious from now on.
I'd suggest movig out, back to your old place for now. You'd get the space you need.
His sex drive, well if he said he's fine with yours then take his word for it. If you want to make new friends and develop a bit without him, thats perfectly understandable. But it's that trust issue again which you previously broke.
So....communication is the key, sit down and talk to him. Make sure he knows its not a rejection of him but a chance for you to spread your wings. After you've made a few new friends etc proven to him it's not an issue and still keep your relationship strong. Then he won't have any problems. In theory. x

We're both 21. I understand that it was wrong. Even before that, the suspicion would still be there. Not even just suspicion, but he'd feel that I don't want to be with him because he gets self conscious. I'm not able to move back to my old place. I'm in another city for College, and I was renting there.

The main thing I'm worried about is him thinking there's something wrong with our relationship. The trust thing.. it was always like that. There were issues on both sides, mine being the internet and his being lies he was telling me that I didn't mention due to it not being relevant. We almost broke up because of it. It's just a big mess.

Thanks for the comment!

 

[MoltenRock III]

If your hormones are out of balance what are you doing to correct that. Heavy drinkers and overweight men have higher levels of estrogen for example.

 

[JFarm89]

I believe in ypou Fershure just keep it cool between you and your bf. If youb giys want to take it easy for a while than take it easy but, ifk you two are commited into any other personal relationsjip. Don't involove your relationship into anyone eles then you''re fucked. Soerruy about the spelling I had a crazy drunken night gwitj my co workers.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you ought to tell him what you wrote us in your last paragraph. Relationships are 3/4s communication.

 

[future_retro]

Maybe show him this thread? He will then understand and also see that you really care about him and the relationship?

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of issues in the situation.

One problem is that while the two of you do care about each other, there's still a lot of growing up that each of you needs to do in order to be a better partner.

There's no reason that you shouldn't have your own friends and your own time. But the ability to have friends outside your relationship is dependent upon having trust. You're going t have to re-earn that trust.

I really wasn't thinking about what he thought about it.. I just wanted something fun to do. The grew larger than Grindr and I started talking to guys on my laptop too. I didn't send pics of myself at all, just a fake person. Anyway.. the conversations got pretty real and this one guy had asked me to send him a cock picture because he wanted to look at it has he fucked himself with a dildo, so I sent him one. The next day, he MSN'd me saying thanks and he couldn't walk the next day. (I assume due to using the dildo)

What you didn't see in this situation is that in these chats you were pretending to be someone you weren't, so you were deceiving the guys you were talking to. And- and this is the thing that it's not clear you understand- by having these sexual conversations outside your relationship and behind your boyfriend's back, you were cheating. Cheating isn't always having sex in person with someone else- cheating is doing something that your partner won't approve of, doing something he doesn't know you're doing and then lying about it.

Did it occur to you that your partner wants to have sex with you all the time because he's looking for proof that you are still sexually interested in him and that by not having sex with him, it's probably just reinforcing the idea that you're cheating on him?

You've done a lot here that has damaged the trust in the relationship. It's going to take some time and effort to rebuild that trust.

 

[altlover85]

Did it occur to you that your partner wants to have sex with you all the time because he's looking for proof that you are still sexually interested in him and that by not having sex with him, it's probably just reinforcing the idea that you're cheating on him?

Even if he was trying to have the OP prove his trustworthiness through sex (which is stupid, IMO) 7 times a day is a bit much. I don't think I've ever been able to do that.

As for my 2 cents, I think it's reasonable that you want your own friends, but like everyone else has said you should try and rebuild the trust. Perhaps you could join a group dedicated to interests that you enjoy that he doesn't. Perhaps on a site like www.meetup.com? It might allow you to branch out into your own interests independent of him.

 

[Fershure]

Thanks for the replies. Regarding me talking to the guys.. he said he doesn't care if I do it. All he asked was that I told him who I was talking to, etc. It had just gotten to the point where I just stopped. Not because I didn't want him to know, but just because I wasn't really thinking.

Remember, this all started with us both taking turns on Grindr doing it. So I know for a fact that he isn't 100% against it.

@Molten: My hormones are like that through birth. And yeah, I'm seeing a special doctor for it.

@Kara: This whole thing happened a couple months ago. I feel that our trust is back where it used to be, but I guess he'll always have those doubts and I can't help that. He's not trying to have sex so much because he's unsure. He's always been like that, ever since we started dating. He's just a horny guy.

@altlover85: I'll try that, thanks!

 

[TX-Beau]

Hmmmm where to begin.

It's not healthy living in each other's back pockets like that. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you only have one life between you, it's a partnership. You need your own friends and your own life - he needs his own friends and his own life - or you're not going to make it.

You should not feel guilty for wanting to meet new and interesting people - and hanging out with them.

If he forgave you for the internet thing, well, that's it. Frankly he's coming across as pretty insecure about himself. I personally don't care of my guy fucks other guys, because I'm absolutely confident he's not going anywhere. At some point that issue ceases to be about you and becomes about him. If he's really that insecure about you leaving him there's really nothing you can do to change that. You can spend your life trying to reassure him but you can't solve that for him - and in the end, if you're spending all your time worrying about his insecurity that's not healthy either.

I hope however that I'm just misunderstanding you about that. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings, you are responsible for what you did, but then he's responsible for himself as well, and in the long run, insecurity is far more likely to kill your relationship than misrepresenting yourself on the net.

Why are these other people in your relationship? If that happened to me, the first thing I'd do is tell them to take themselves the fuck off. It's not their place to insert themselves into your situation. Advice fine, but making a drama out of if? No fucking way.

Don't go online and lie to other guys. You may think that;s just good fun, but it's pretty fucking cruel to the guy on the other end, who thought he met a nice guy, but really just met a liar laughing at him.

What you did is what every other guy comes in here complaining about and wondering what's wrong with him.

It's not funny, it's not right, and if you think that's entertainment you really need to re-evaluate yourself.

I suspect that your friends parents are well aware of what's going on. I also suspect that this isn't going to go the distance. Why? Because you both have some growing up to do. Which is natural, you're both really young.

Just remember, successful relationships have both intimacy and distance. You won't make it if you feel suffocated. You're going to have to explain that, and hopefully he can deal with it - but that, is not something you did wrong, and it's not your fault if he can't deal with it.