Humiliated at Work for being gay

[kallipolis]

When I cross a road with a stationary green man my signal to proceed, with prudence I always yield my legal right of way, to the neanderthal driver who chooses to ignore the red light that legally obliges them to stop...for I value my life... permitting my ego no say in the matter.

 

[darden]

For those who think JQ should not let the offensiveness of this bother him, would you think differently if it were an African American who overheard two people refer to him as the office token black?

if they otherwise acted professionally/respectful towards him and it wasn't negatively impacting his ability to do his work... yeah, probably.

he overheard a private conversation/gossip between two coworkers. tbh, I couldn't give a shit what my coworkers may think about me in private as long as it doesn't impact my ability to do my job and be respected on a professional level.

 

[JarodA]

For those who think JQ should not let the offensiveness of this bother him, would you think differently if it were an African American who overheard two people refer to him as the office token black?

To add to my post (and also answer your rep) I'd say if you counted these guys as friends, or more than mere workmates at least, I'd say be honest and tell them you heard what they said.

 

[kallipolis]

if they otherwise acted professionally/respectful towards him and it wasn't negatively impacting his ability to do his work... yeah, probably.

he overheard a private conversation/gossip between two coworkers. tbh, I couldn't give a shit what my coworkers may think about me in private as long as it doesn't impact my ability to do my job and be respected on a professional level.

Pragmatic...my view also...

 

[JayQueer]

Thanks to everyone for the inputs so far.

 

[Seasoned]

Well, this is probably not the best course of action--but were I in the situation, I would have belted something out like "I'm STILL HERE, guys...if you have something to say to me, you can come to me directly...", or something along those lines. But then again, I don't always make the best decisions when it comes to dealing with people making digs on gays.

Considering where you are now, I would go to the guys and let them know that I heard what they said, and suggest that they be a bit more discreet with their goofing off/talking about others during work.

assholes.

This is good advice. What they did is inappropriate and stupid, but I don't think it rises to the level of harassment.

The general tone of this workplace is a real throwback, however, and may be spilling over into the work environment. HR ought to beef up their sensitivity training.

 

[Luka]

ya you totally have to report that, personally i would have gone up to them and called them out, but thats just my personality (and possibly some of my military police coming out), report it and if your boss does nothing its time to SUE!!!!

 

[maxpowr9]

Harassment in the workplace is a mind field to navigate and HR hates dealing with it and not just for legal reasons. Most companies would rather have the associates settle it on their own without getting management or HR involved. If you have to go to management to settle it, be prepared for the backlash. It is against the law for the actual company to retaliate but you'll be the office pariah and basically forced to quit if you do go to management.

I've been on both sides of the table and unless there have been several complaints about the situation, you're basically screwed over for complaining.

 

[checkinthingsout]

To add to my post (and also answer your rep) I'd say if you counted these guys as friends, or more than mere workmates at least, I'd say be honest and tell them you heard what they said.

i AGREE I agree with Jarod. It seems like everyone in your office is on a closer personal level because of age, and generally spending time together. Although they made a crack at you, you are still a part of this environment, and from the context you have provided, although it was derogatory, there wasnt a lot of ill will attached to it.

I would stick up for yourself and even engage in some friendly banter back with them to let them know that:

1. you heard them, you dont approve of being called a faggot
2. We can still have a fun work environment and be friends as long as we don't cross certain lines..."faggot" being one of them

This might best happen over a beer, so invite the knuckle heads to happy hour.

As a younger professional, actually pursuing this with HR might not leave you in the best position, especially judging by the work environment you have already described. If it were a school or other publicly funded business, it would be a different story.

 

[peeonme]

So now you know what they say behind your back, you would be shocked to know that these 2 guys probably talk to other workers about each other in an unkind way as well.
I hear it all day at work, 2 buddies making fun of each other to other workers, people are fickle and two faced, if they treat you decent and you aren't ostracised just let it go, don't run to h.r.

 

[ElmosToe]

This one is tricky. On one hand I get how you feel, and they're totally disrespecting you. On the other hand, if you do anything to get them in trouble I can guarantee that you will pretty quickly become an outcast at work.

People claim there can't be retaliation, but most anti-discrimination laws are bullshit anyway. There are very easy ways to get around the anti-discrimination laws. Examples like everyone in the office ignoring you, the boss giving you less work, the boss being more critical of your work.

I think you need to not get so emotional over things like this tc. Yeah, biggots exist in the world. It sucks, but they're always going to exist. You can't make someone who hates gays change their opinion. I'd look at it like this: pity them for being so cold hearted. You're the better person, learning to take some abuse (within reason) can really make you stronger as a person.

Don't say anything. Or say something that's so jaw-droppingly rude it makes them blush.

Don't run to HR, nobody likes a snitch.

I would suggest letting it go.

Ask yourself this....do you and the girls ever gossip or talk about other people?...things that if they overheard them might hurt their feelings? You don't have to be honest with me or anyone else but be honest with yourself.

They didn't say anything to you personally nor did they intend for you to hear them. If they ever do say anything to you personally then definitely report them.

You're there to work, and as you said, you need it to pay your bills. I suggest letting this slide unless you're willing to get involved in more work in the form of he-said-she-said confrontations. I probably would just have walked from my desk and towards them, just to see their surprised faces and reactions..."who wanted to blow who?"

The real problem is that there's a lot of inappropriate conduct and inappropriate conversations going on in your workplace. The question you need to ask yourself is whether the job is worth working in a place where "the guys" are allowed to talk about "the girls" and "the office faggot" in this way.

It's doubtful that you will able to change something that the management has historically allowed. If the job is worth it, then you can give some thought about how to change what sounds like a fairly hostile work environment. If the job isn't worth it, then consider working somewhere else.

I've been on both sides of the table and unless there have been several complaints about the situation, you're basically screwed over for complaining.

^all of this.

Plus,
something to remember in gaining respect, especially from jackass 'straight' guys like these, is displaying confidence. Own it. Don't be afraid to admit that you are gay and you do like to suck dick. Also, don't be afraid to swap banter with them back. You could have gone over and said something to the effect of, "yeah, I do like to suck cock, but I prefer real men with balls, but sadly I don't see any around." Then walked off with your head held high.

That could also turn into HR coming to you though, harassing them, so...take it how you will

 

[ElmosToe]

I'll share this experience here...it's long. (no pun intended)

JQ,
I know how this goes and how you feel more or less rejected and betrayed by people you liked and wished could get along with better.

While my situation is somewhat complicated and a little more involved, I'll share to show that even though it was just an off remark you overheard, it's a representation of a larger issue...lack of respect among your peers.

At my previous long term job, office politics were beyond ridiculous. Felt like I was in junior high school. Somehow, not by my doing I assure you, the subject of my penis became the topic of discussion. Women, gay guys, even the so-called 'straight' guys would be talking. Wanting to see it, wondering why they could never catch me in the main bathroom at the urinal hoping to catch a glimpse etc. Several female co-workers came to me and explained this is what even one of my bosses was saying. I thought it was rather odd that my dick would be the topic of discussion among 'straight' men...but whatever.

Fast forward to me becoming close friends with one of these 'straight' guys and him having a hot wife who expressed an interest in me to both of us that she was curious about me, wanted to "try me out". Her hubby thought it was hot and even initiated things. I fucked her while he watched but he kept his distance as she was one of those chicks who refused to suck him off or get anywhere near his cum. He ended up just wasting his load on his stomach and I had not yet developed a close enough relationship with them at this point to admit my cum fetish to them.

Now, he was already enamored with me before I was with his wife but after that he became even more interested, becoming more vocal about wanting to do more stuff in the bedroom, dropping hints that he wanted to try stuff with just me, without the wife. Eventually I caught on to his hints and what he was trying to do and just admitted to him that I would never do anything unless his wife was either involved or ok with it. He basically understood and took that as a rejection in me not wanting to mess around with him. TBH, I actually thought I was starting to develop feelings for both of them on different levels and I did want to mess around with him, but felt it wrong to do so behind his wife's back.

At this point the wife was starting to get suspicious and jealous of how much time we were spending together anyway and she was right in thinking there was something starting to develop with her hubby and I. She started treating me like 'the other woman'. Soon after I turned him down out of respect for her, he did not take that rejection well and turned it against me at work and it turned into a huge popularity battle. Pitting co-workers against each other. He started projecting things onto me and spreading rumors about me being gay or at least bi and saying that I wanted to have sex with him etc.

Turned out, many people in the office took my side, didn't believe him for the most part but also started coming out as bi themselves to prove that it was no big deal and that there was nothing wrong with it. Even people I wasn't friends with. The biggest issue was in all the talking and gossiping, the terms bisexual and gay were being used as derogatory slurs. To me, that was the most offensive thing about it all. The fact they were using those terms as an insult...I didn't know what to make of it, felt I was in the twilight zone. What hurt the most was these people WERE my friends or I at least considered them to be and I actually was developing feelings for them or at least felt a close bond with them. Although I didn't want to have sex with the guy, I would have messed around with him like he wanted provided his wife knew and was ok with it...given that I had already been with her. He wasn't about to come clean to his wife though about his level of curiosity with guys, and specifically his intense feelings towards me.

So the friendship fell apart, the office environment became extremely hostile and my solution was to just leave. The AVP of my division was a lesbian and once I put in for a transfer to a different department, she jumped on approving it quickly, understanding how detrimental the situation was becoming in affecting the quality of people's work, plus it was rife for a massive lawsuit waiting to happen.

It was much better when I moved to a new area, but then was soon faced with a hot, young supervisor who made cheating on her husband a recreational sport. She was already sleeping with another guy in the office who I admit I was hotter than by 1,000%. When she started hitting on me, making passes and dropping hints and expressing an interest in wanting to sleep with me, I politely turned her down as best I could and that made life hell for me in the office and sure enough she soon found reasons to let me go.

While I contemplated many times going to HR over all these things and even considered a lawsuit, I saw first hand what happened with others who did as they were put on a shit list and eventually let go, not even going to get into the few who attempted a lawsuit and failed miserably to their financial detriment.

My point JQ,
a toxic environment is not worth your mental health even for a good income. Not saying your office environment will turn into the circus that mine became, but it goes back to the feeling of dread and anger when you walk in that door, it's because that nagging feeling of disrespect and disgust that apparently some may have towards you will make you bitter, resentful and depressed about even being there, let alone trying to interact with them on even just a professional level.

"Don't shit where you eat"

 

[Ambition92]

This is such a shitty situation, JQ. I can only reiterate most of the advice that's already been given, which is that it might just be worth it to shrug it off as annoying as that might be. The silver lining is that you know these guys talk this kind of shit behind your back. Now your guard can be up and you know their game. I, like many others in this thread fear that reporting/whistle blowing this conversation could lead to a shit storm in the office. If you like where you work then it'd probably be best to just move on. Of course if these comments become more direct then you should definitely report the abuse to HR, but as of right now just keep doing what you're doing.

 

[Rolyo85]

#fiction


Other than that, there has been some good advice here, so maybe someone who actually does have that problem, will benefit from the thread

 

[Gekishinken]

ya you totally have to report that, personally i would have gone up to them and called them out, but thats just my personality (and possibly some of my military police coming out), report it and if your boss does nothing its time to SUE!!!!

If you report them then they'll simply deny it. If you don't have proof (witnesses who will back you up, documents, etc.) then all suing will do is waste your time.

 

[rareboy]

I would probably go to them and say that you accidentally overheard the comment and would prefer if they didn't refer to you as the office faggot again.

And watch who you have a crush on.

 

[megustamyn]

I don't know where you are, but you should know that 29 out of the 50 United States do not have laws protecting LGBT people from discrimination. The Employment Non-Discrimination Act has been presented to every US Congress since 1994 and has yet to pass. Always verify your legal rights in your community before reporting an incident.

I understand that this is a very unpleasant experience but it's probably best to ignore it and move on. If the environment becomes hostile, there could be recourse under the sexual harassment rules but you'll probably have to find another job. Reporting an incident could result in blacklisting in some industries.

 

[Luka]

If you report them then they'll simply deny it. If you don't have proof (witnesses who will back you up, documents, etc.) then all suing will do is waste your time.

I think you are wrong, he shouldn't just let them get away with it.