I always get myelf in the biggest pickle...

[godson112]

I don't want to make a huge long post as I know some people find them boring to read so I'll try keep it short and sweet.

I'll give a little background as to how I'm always in a pickle. I'm 20 years old, I've been out for about 5 years ever since I told my friends at school. I had the hugest crush on my best friend, and I told him, and he didn't take it very well and we drifted apart. That affected me hugely, made me depressed, I lost a lot of friends, I started doing bad in school, but luckily I picked myself up again and got good grades and got over my depression. This all lasted about 3 years, all of which was torture.


I started college about 6 months later, met another guy, we became really good friends and he turned out to be gay, (he said he was bi at the time but recent skimmings of his facebook suggest he is fully gay). Inevitably, I developed a huge crush on him and when I plucked up the courage to tell him, he shot me down. Like before, I was very upset. I'd never (and have still never) had a relationship or had sex and I really thought that because he was gay/bi, and because we flirted a bit, something might actually come of it. But he didn't feel the same and our friendship deteriorated. This lasted all through college (two years), which again, was torture. I didn't get depressed like before, although it did really upset me, I plowed through my misery and after a couple of months I managed to get over him.

I am now no longer friends with either of them but I still think about them a lot and I believe they both played big parts in me becoming who I am today.

Unfortunately, it seems I didn't learn any lessons though because when I started university, I again became best friends with a guy. We're still best friends now but things are getting tricky for me.

He's straight, and as sure as the sun will rise, I have a huge crush on him and he knows it. This crush is much bigger than the other two, I would go as far to say I am in love with him. I've told him the ins and outs of all my feelings before and he's been amazing in that he hasn't ran a mile, he hasn't been awkward and nothings changed. Unfortunatley he does mess me around sometimes by flirting with me, saying dirty sexual things to me as a joke and even asking for blowjobs when drunk (which I haven't done). Despite these things, we just laugh them off and forget about them.

The problem is, I cannot stop thinking about him. He's on my mind all the time and I just can't get over him. I've known him two years now (so I've spent about 7 years of my life pining over guys I can't have which has been a nightmare). Last year, the emotions got the better of me and I was put on antidepressants and given counselling. The pills helped and I'm no longer AS depressed as I was but I still have days where I just lie in bed and feel sorry for myself (pathetic I know...)

To make things worse, we're moving in together next week. Now, I'm pretty sure I can handle living with him. I won't get jealous of him if he brings girls back because I know he won't. A while back we had a big falling out because I got with a guy, and he said he felt betrayed because I didn't tell him, and ever since then, he's insisted he's not seeing girls because 1) Since he's come to university he's met so many slutty girls he's convinced himself he doesn't like sex anymore. I believe this because in heart to hearts he has literally heaved at the notion of sex itself and 2) He said that ever since I 'betrayed' him, he's not the type of person that likes revenge, and he knows that if he was hurt that much by me seeing a guy, he doesn't want to put me through the emotional pain of him seeing a girl.

I know this relationship is fucked up but weirdly, it totally works for us. I'm a very one man kind of man. I only have eyes for him. When I did see this guy at the beginning of the year, it didn't work out because I just had no connection with him and all I could think about while I was with him was my best friend. Again I know this is fucked and not healthy, I don't need people to tell me that because despite how messed up it is, I can't live without this guy in my life. He literally is the light in my life, he's stuck by me through thick and thin and when we're together we have so much fun and everythings just perfect.

But now we're moving in together, I'm worried. Lately when I've been around him, I have these insatiable urges to just rip his clothes off and ravage him. It's gotten so strong that I swear, and I'm not exaggerating, but sometimes my jaw physically aches when I'm around him, and ONLY when I'm around him, and I get the weirdest sensation that I just NEED to give him a blowjob or something. It's crazy and I feel weird even saying it. I fear that being around him all the time, I am literally going to be just the HORNIEST guy in the world. One look from him and my knees go weak.

Unfortunately, it's not like I can't live with him either. I can't move back in with family due to a new addition, so there is no room, and I don't have many friends and the ones I do have already have places to live etc.

So the point of this message is basically, how can I train myself to not see him in such a highly sexualised way for my own sanity I guess...

This was supposed to be short but I got carried away I'm sorry. Hopefully the sheer ridiculousness of my story will make for an entertaining read, thankyou for reading guys

 

[TX-Beau]

The only way to change what frankly isn't a healthy relationship (you're a mess and he's some freaky species of tortured) is distance or implosion.

Y'all kinda sound co-dependent. No offense meant, but I don't see how you can call this situation wonderful.

You can't have boyfriends because he'll feel betrayed, but you can't have him either, and he won't bring girls around which might give you some healthy distance, but that's because he'd never "betray," (why was that betrayal?) you, so that's your fault also.

Hmmmmm.

I don't get what you get out of this.

Jump him or walk.

 

[ronboy]

 

[hco516]

I don't post on here very often, but your story is very similar to my experiences when I was younger.

My last roommate and I were best friends for a few years. We worked together, lived together, had the same group of friends. We literally did everything together. If I had to be away from him, even for a short period of time, I got stressed out about it.

The level of co-dependency was absolutely off the charts unhealthy. I completely lost track of who I was. When he finally started to grow impatient with me, I completely lost my sanity. I was depressed, anxious, suicidal. It was quite honestly the worst time of my life. Looking back on it, the reason it was so bad for me was because I had put myself into a relationship with him. We were essentially a couple with no sexual connection, so when we started fighting, it was just like a bad break up.

The only reason I was able to get out of that self destructive pattern was because we moved out of our apartment and stopped speaking for a few months. Now, we are very close friends again, but I don't have any of those feelings for him anymore.

My advice to you is to somehow, someway branch off from him. Even if it's in small baby steps. Try spending a day or two away from him every once in a while. Having different social circles would be highly beneficial. At the end of the day, you have to constantly remind yourself that you are not in a relationship with him. You have to find a way to be happy when he isn't around. I know it's really difficult.

Hope I was helpful. Good luck.

 

[justsimon]

Do not move in together.

 

[hco516]

Do not move in together.

I do agree with this advice, but the op has already made that decision. He won't realize why it was a mistake until things go south.

 

[KaraBulut]

So the point of this message is basically, how can I train myself to not see him in such a highly sexualised way for my own sanity I guess...

You can't "train" yourself.

The problem is that you aren't aren't pursuing relationships that have a chance. You're wasting time on attractions to men that you can't have. As long as you continue to live this existence where you don't have a healthy love life of your own, you're going to continue to repeat this pattern of being attracted to friends and guys that cannot give you what you want.

Instead of focusing time and energy trying to conceal your feelings, you should focus on living a healthy life as a gay man. Date, find someone who gets weak at the knees over you. When you have a real relationship of your own, your perspective will change. Friends will be friends and guys that you cannot have will stop being viewed as objects of your unrequited obsession.

 

[Telstra]

is friend's with benefits possible?

If he agrees, give him an occasional blow jobs.

 

[rareboy]

Train wreck.

You don't have a relationship with him.

He doesn't with you.

You are just both locked in an emotionally unhealthy situation that is going to destroy you both.

Apparently now, you have both decided that you can't ever have sex again with someone else and can't have it together.

The best advice you have received here is to not move in together.

The worst advice (tongue in cheek though it may be) is in the post above this one.

The most practical advice given that you are not going to listen to the best advice is from Kara.

Get your ass out of bed. Get out in the fresh air. Get yourself a real boyfriend who is emotionally healthy and can be a real partner.

And the two of you. Get real. Give one another the 'permission' that each or you is entitled to and need to hook up and bring back your girlfriends and boyfriends.

Because if you don't, there is absolutely no use of looking for sympathy or understanding when the whole thing blows up in your faces.

 

[Georgiadude]

Train wreck.

You don't have a relationship with him.

He doesn't with you.

You are just both locked in an emotionally unhealthy situation that is going to destroy you both.

Apparently now, you have both decided that you can't ever have sex again with someone else and can't have it together.

The best advice you have received here is to not move in together.

The worst advice (tongue in cheek though it may be) is in the post above this one.

The most practical advice given that you are not going to listen to the best advice is from Kara.

Get your ass out of bed. Get out in the fresh air. Get yourself a real boyfriend who is emotionally healthy and can be a real partner.

And the two of you. Get real. Give one another the 'permission' that each or you is entitled to and need to hook up and bring back your girlfriends and boyfriends.

Because if you don't, there is absolutely no use of looking for sympathy or understanding when the whole thing blows up in your faces.

read my mind. this is going to end in a HUGE mess. it's a giant pile of crap already and moving in together is only going to make it worse. in all honesty I dont think he's as straight as he says he is. if he were he wouldn't have cared if you were with someone. in fact he should have been happy that you found someone to be with. now the thought of him having sex repulses him? doesn't make sense at all. he may not know it yet but on some level he's struggling with who he is.

you need to pull back and take a long/hard look at this before you make a decision your going to regret. you may be able to salvage the friendship but I'm afraid if you move in together your going to end up losing him as a friend.

Best wishes.

Steven.

 

[neditesjamais]

You've gotten plenty of excellent advice so far, but one thing you said really got my attention, based on some of my own similar experiences:

Last year, the emotions got the better of me and I was put on antidepressants and given counselling. The pills helped and I'm no longer AS depressed as I was but I still have days where I just lie in bed and feel sorry for myself (pathetic I know...)

I urge you to either continue with meds and counseling (if you're still doing so) or return to them and see what else you can do. The choice of antidepressant is, at best, an educated guess: you try it, if it works, you continue it. But figuring out what "works" means for you is really difficult. I spent years staying on one that was NOT working (or working enough) because I assumed it was right. Once I changed--and then added another one on top of it!--my view of the world and myself was completely different.

Second, if your counseling did not help you work on getting out of the patterns you're repeating--as your post suggests it hasn't yet done--then you need to work on it some more. Maybe a different counsellor, maybe a different counseling approach? Again, there are choices. It took me years to get just the right combination that helped me.

Finally, just because you realize that you "always get yourself in the biggest pickle," it doesn't mean you can just "stop being that way"--even if you really, truly want to. In addition to the great help you get in here, you can also get great help from those around you.

Good luck and let us know how it's going. We care. PM if you wish.

ned

 

[godson112]

I like the advice you've all given.

I think the best thing I could do and not beat myself up over would be to tell him frankly that when we live together, I am getting 'my own life' so to speak.

I'll tell him that if we're living together, I'm going to make new friends, make myself available and if I find someone I won't let him get in the way because I know what we have isn't healthy.

It's going to be hard telling him though because he has such a way with words it's hard for me to argue against him. When bad things have happened in the past he's tried to guilt trip me by telling me things like I get him like no other girl does, and he's loved me more than any girl he's ever been with and he wishes he was gay etc... The sensible part of me knows everytime he says these things he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear but my heart (excuse the soppiness) really takes every word in and thrives on it.

Cutting him out completely will never be an option though. Like I mentioned, despite the messed up relationship, he is the only person who has ever picked me up when I've been down, the only friend that understood and stuck by me last year when I had a lot of things going on in my life and my behaviour became erratic and uncontrollable... He's been there for me more than my own family since I've known him and I can't repay him by just cutting him out my life.

We do get time apart quite often because he has his own circle of friends not associated with me who he sees once or twice a week. The problem for me is that at the moment I don't have many friends at all. I'm living away from home (and even there I only have one or two friends), and the city I'm living in, I just dropped out of University. I do have some friends here but I don't consider them best friends. They're all black and I'm white and I often get left out when they go to black events in the city and they have all their own friends who are just a world apart from me also partly due to the fact that literally every black person here is as homophobic as can be.

On top of that, I am out of work at the moment (looking for work though) but hopefully when I find a job I'll begin making friends. I don't know if it seems like I'm not even trying to help myself but I really am.