I Am Ashamed and Feeling Guilty

[crzyrazn]

It's been awhile since I've posted to this forum. I don't know why I feel I want to on this issue I'm having, I suppose I just want to put my thoughts and feelings into words, to read them for myself, a catharsis if I may.

Last night, as I was enjoying myself with a group of friends and some acquaintances, indulging in some friendly banter with a friend I don't see often, she abruptly states that her mother has the impression I am gay quite loudly in the vicinity of almost everyone present. For your information, I am not out. I have never made any definitive statements concerning my sexuality to my friends, not because I fear their judgement or their misunderstanding, we have discussed sexuality before and I have made it clear to them I do not agree with labels and that attraction for me is fluid, but they would accept and support me regardless, whatever conclusion they or I come to about me. Now understand, my attraction is stronger toward guys (this I have never stated to anyone), but I do not feel it is a limit to my sexuality where girls might be concerned. To them, I'm just the guy who has never shown an open interest in anyone for as long as they have known me, and this is in part due to shyness and self-confidence problem I have.

Anyway, my instant reaction was to deny right out that I am gay. But on the inside I had a deep feeling of shame and embarrassment. As I said, I have discussed my thoughts and feelings with my friends, who were with us, but there were also people there who I identify as acquaintances. As a consequence of the terrible, unfortunate sufferings of gay people wrought upon them by hateful, stupid people and bigots I suppose I am wary as to who I disclose my feelings. And for a moment, the whole room seemed to point the question at me. I denied it over and over again. I felt ashamed and guilty, afterward I excused myself for the remainder of the night.

Now, I am a person who advocates equality and fairness for all, and believes that no one should feel ashamed of who they are, and to hell with anyone who doesn't agree. I will argue and debate anyone who thinks otherwise and will not give them an inch of ground for their invalid arguments for taking the life, liberty, and happiness from anyone who has the right to live their own lives. Last night I proved myself a hypocrite and, dare I admit it, a self-hater. Why does it sting me to think that someone thinks I am gay when I have not told them so or feel that I have given them any reason to think such? Why should it matter when I whole-heartedly believe there is nothing wrong with being gay? Have I been lying to myself, somehow trying to allay my own doubts? This makes me confused and sad and angry as well. I am every color of negative emotion today.

It troubles me to think that people see through a persona I try hard to maintain. I don't try to act feminine, not because I have anything against feminine, in fact, a gay friend of ours was there and he leaves no doubt as to his orientation and I love and respect him for being himself, but because that is not me. I am not attracted to feminine gay guys, and I do not wish to be perceived as such. I just don't know what it is about me that people thinks that I am gay upon their first impressions of me. Granted, I am physically small (working on that), with a pitchier voice, and manners not typical of heterosexual guys (I'm nice, maybe too nice sometimes, and respectful), but nothing in the vein of waving rainbows, blasting Lady Gaga either. I like to be considered masculine, because that is what I am attracted to.

How can these differences between what I believe and how I feel manifest so cruelly within me casting doubt on my own awareness, convictions, and values? How am I ever going to find someone (which is a big issue for me at the moment) if I can't even be comfortable with who I am? Or be true to my friends and others who I tell to be true to themselves when I can't even admit that part of me? I can't even admit it to myself! What is my issue that I can't define with my homosexuality that is impeding me from accepting who I am, and leaves me feeling ashamed and guilty? Is it a childish reaction to having been called out for his sad attempt at hiding his fault? Is it a cowardly recoil to the fear of being judged and persecuted by others? I thought I was stronger than that. It leaves me with more doubt, and right now I do not feel that this doubt is the beginning of faith in a better understanding of just exactly who I am or the person I wish to fulfill.

 

[Telstra]

I think you are torturing yourself for being feeling a shame and feeling guilty.

Just think porn stars are your heroes you won't feel a shame or guilt anymore.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, this is the conflict of the closet - our big secret or our self-respect? You can't have both, which is why people sooner or later break the door.

Ask yourself, what are your real reasons for denying? You say yourself your friends will support you. Does it really matter to you what others will think then? I know being ousted is not the way to go, and I was kinda secretive the first few months of being out too. But the truth is - only those close to you matter, and if you yourself are not ashamed of being gay (btw, the most "fluid" sexuality in the world is not even a iota "better" than a flaming Kinsey 6 homo, just FYI), then NOBODY can make you feel ashamed.

 

[jensu846]

wow, that was exactly how I was growing up. everybody seemed to know or think I was gay at first meeting or after getting to know me and I had no idea why or how they knew. I would go to great lengths to prove I wasnt gay, deny it all the time, date girls, even fuck girls (which I didnt care for). After I turned 27, I couldnt take it anymore and something in my head changed. When people started asking me if I was gay, I started saying, Ya, I am. Most everybody was like, Oh, I thought so, thats cool. Eventually all the people in my circle knew ( I finally confirmed their suspicions). I found such a peace, like a weight was lifted. I was no longer ashamed of being gay and actually started becoming proud and openly talking to my pals about guys and such., I think something just snapped inside my brain, thinking that I cannot keep living this lie, and hating who I am. Hopefully, you will be able to come out and have some inner peace, cuz I think I know how you feel man, and it sucks.

 

[HunterM]

Clearly, you are fearful to come out. You are afraid of losing something.

Exercise 1: You have to identify and face your fears. What would happen if you came out? Will you lose your financial support from family? Will you lose your job? Will you lose your friends or family? Will you "lose face"/respect/reputation in your community, relatives, church or at work? What else are you afraid of losing? You see what I'm getting at, right? Don't bury your fears. Shine a light on them so you would know what to do. Only you know yourself. If one has nothing to lose, one would not have to worry or feel ashamed of oneself.

Once you have identified your fears, put a plan together on how to deal with those issues. You have to be prepared for the next time when this situation occurs. It's like parcticing ermergency drills at work or school. The more you practice, the more you will know how to handle the situation better in the future.

Exercise 2: If you have come out, what will you gain? List those benefits as well to get a perspective in life.

 

[Seasoned]

Obviously you're not fooling anyone except yourself. And you're not hurting anyone but yourself. Being conflicted is commonplace but you know the consequences. If you can't move towards to self-acceptance on your own then please find a good therapist to help you live your life fully and with equal freedom as your straight friends enjoy. It's time to move to the front of the bus.

 

[bananagoof]

Here's the thing - you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. If this girl had asked a question about your personal health, or your finances, would it have been any more appropriate? Nope. Not at all. She crossed a line there and showed you total disrespect, and that's something that just isn't taken seriously enough.

People have forgotten how to mind their own business and understand that some things aren't open for public discussion. She put you in a difficult position, and if she really was your friend, she wouldn't have. That's the sad truth, I think. You don't owe her, her mother, or anyone at that table an explanation about your sexual habits. You already made it clear to these people that you don't like to label yourself. So...why would she bring this up? Why does she want you to declare yourself?

I can see why you'd feel really upset with yourself for instinctively saying you weren't gay...here's a tip. Next time someone tries to corner you, try and make it into a joke. Don't let anyone force you into answering their questions or making your sex life open to discussion with a group. A good answer might have been: "Your mother definitely needs some new hobbies if she's spending time speculating about your friend's sex lives!" Saying that gives everyone a chance to realize how inappropriate the topic is while having a chuckle, and if your friend continues to push it, then you should just put your foot down a bit and say "I think people are entitled to some privacy regarding their sex lives, right? Right." Then bring up a topic that everyone can run with...like a movie, or a recent event.

When it comes to your sex life, finances or religion, if you don't bring it up yourself, no one should be asking you about it, period. They should follow your lead. It has nothing to do with being in the closet. It's called privacy. She tried to embarrass you and if she knows you at all, she was fully aware of what she was doing when she did it. Have a talk with her, and remember - there were probably people sitting at that table who were fully aware of the fact that she was digging into your business with that comment. People aren't dumb, and in that moment, she was really embarrassing herself.

 

[crzyrazn]

@Rolyo85: You're right, I can't have it both ways. I don't know why I deny it when I would support and defend anyone who identified as gay. Yet, I can't say it out loud. Could I have subconsciously absorbed our culture's homophobia and that fear projects itself as a defense mechanism against a potentially unsympathetic and even hostile society? I don't know.

@jensu846: I am glad you were able to move past your fear and insecurity to find peace with yourself. You're experience gives me hope that I too will find the way to resolve this issue so that I may know the feeling of such a great burden finally being lifted.

@HunterM: Thank you for reminding me that is always good to have a plan. A good plan of action is necessary for any battle, and is definitely good for perspective.

@Seasoned: I am hurt and hurting. Maybe this issue goes deeper than I think, and may actually require good counseling to overcome. But I want to first try, I think. Better than any therapy would be support from my friends. I feel I want to try and talk to them again, and really tell them, if I know I have their support (and I know I do), than I think I can get past this on my own. Sometimes you just need them to tell you they are there for you, and sometimes yo just need to hear it.

 

[Rolyo85]

Of course you have. That's what internalized homophobia is. The way to deal with it is to identify your blocks, isolate them one by one, set goals that would help you deal with them, and then go do it. Some people have no trouble dealing with that. Others do.

But let me tell you - our culture is FAR less homophobic today than it was 10 years ago. It is far less homophobic than 5 years ago. And it is far less homophobic than even 2 years ago. Especially among young un-sheltered people, being hip with "the gay" is the cool thing to do. Everybody loves Glee after all...

So don't leave in Queer as Folk land, and join us here in the twenty tens. We have candy