I believe because I came out so late....

[Jory]

....is the reasonthat I don't think I have the capablity to love someone. Before you think that I am being down on myself please read the rest with an open mind. Thanks

As some of you might know I came out late in my life in my early 40s. Yeah some of you are say WTF. WW"hy didn't you come out earlier in life?" The thing is and this will tie in with the thread so bear with me thank.

Through my life I knew no one who was gay. All my friends were at the time of growing up straight, so that was the only life I knew and I at that time didn't want to be gay On the account of what popular culture presented what the idea of gays was not your average everyman that you say on the street.But the total gay drama queen and I didn't want to have anything to do with that....so while I was "stright" I kept up the lie exept for one detail I never had a GF some of you are now asking: why no girl friend?

Good question I think it was although I was fighting who I was I didn't want to bring someone else into this and mess up their lives so I learned to keep those feeling locked way.

So I live that way until one day a part of my life came public and I am now out but being closest so long both in who I am is still hard on me. I am Gay there is no doubt about that and nothing going to change that, but in the long run while most who came out early were able to dive in to the dating scene I never was able. First because I decided it was best for me not to and now because I have no idea how to.

To all those who have read this thank you for taking the time and for those of you who read it and are still in the closet.....PLEASE DON"T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID DON"T LOOK BACK AND SAY I SHOUD OF.....

 

[psychobandit]

Too late.
It's amazing though, to see in writing something that so parallels my life (sigh)

 

[boy0boy]

I'm still 18 and although I've only just begun "coming out," I regret all the time I wasted being something that I wasn't.

I can only imagine how hard it must have been and continues to be. Although I cannot pinpoint a certain event or person who finally "tipped the scale" for me to accept myself and come out, I'm still inspired by anyone who has, no matter what age or circumstance.

 

[SantaCBear]

Never too late... But it's harder to lay oneself wide open for another to see (which has to be done in a loving relationship) the older we get...

 

[rareboy]

is the reasonthat I don't think I have the capablity to love someone.

The fact that you have this yearning is proof that you do have the capability to love someone and probably deeply. Pfffft. I think you are still blocking the possibilty of falling head over heels for some reason that I can't fathom. I've known homos who came out in their 40's who then found their partners. I've also known those who made sure that sex was just not meaninglessb but developed a wide circle of good friends from their one night stands. They love all these guys in a different way.

I'll bet there have been guys that would love to spend more time with you but if you are making a point of keeping emotional distance, they'll all back off. I'll bet that some younger guy with a lot of persistence and energy will wear you down some day.

Just make sure you're just in the right place at the right time.

 

[G-Lexington]

This board has plenty of folks who came out late in life.
...and plenty of those folks somehow managed to find someone.

They got out there and played. Yes, they started playing late in life, they had some problems getting started late, and some got hurt in the game. But they still did it. Of course, if you want to confine yourself to the bench and declare yourself "ineligible to play", for whatever reason, nobody can stop you.

Lex

 

[evil_danger]

but in the long run while most who came out early were able to dive in to the dating scene I never was able. First because I decided it was best for me not to and now because I have no idea how to.

But who does have an idea how to dive into the dating scene... you just throw yourself in a hope for the best, dating is scary, whether your 18, 44, or even in your 60's.

I've recently come out to my friends, I'm 20, I have NO idea how to go about dating. you havn't missed anything, just take a dive, whats the worst that could happen.

Oh and hehe

 

[Jory]

The fact that you have this yearning is proof that you do have the capability to love someone and probably deeply. Pfffft. I think you are still blocking the possibilty of falling head over heels for some reason that I can't fathom.

Most likely because I have become to set in my ways that I don't know how to change

I've known homos who came out in their 40's who then found their partners. I've also known those who made sure that sex was just not meaninglessb but developed a wide circle of good friends from their one night stands. They love all these guys in a different way.

How many while they were in the closet were married or had girlfriends in other words how many of them knew the give and take of a relationship that is something I never learned.

I'll bet there have been guys that would love to spend more time with you but if you are making a point of keeping emotional distance, they'll all back off. I'll bet that some younger guy with a lot of persistence and energy will wear you down some day.

Just make sure you're just in the right place at the right time.

Its also location what I mean by that is I really live way outside of the gay community right now so it hard to meet people Think about do you really want to be friend who average drive time to your place or his is little or an hour 40 minutes if there is no traffic I mean you can't call him up at 7:00 and say lets catch the 8:00 movie because you would have to factor in the traffic So here I am That way I love this site, in fact sometime JUB can be my life line letting me know that I am not alone out there. And if I knew when the right place and right time is I would be worth 141 million dollars right now....don't ask

 

[Jory]

This board has plenty of folks who came out late in life.
...and plenty of those folks somehow managed to find someone.

can you direct me to where they found some one

They got out there and played. Yes, they started playing late in life, they had some problems getting started late, and some got hurt in the game. But they still did it. Of course, if you want to confine yourself to the bench and declare yourself "ineligible to play", for whatever reason, nobody can stop you.

Lex

I do play believe me I do play and I want to see the parade before it passes by......Think "hello Dolly"

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't know where they found them. You'll have to ask them that question.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Most likely because I have become to set in my ways that I don't know how to change

Yes you do. Old dog can learn new tricks. But it takes some work. Travel. To someplace entirely exotic without overplanning or over thinking. Whatever you would normally do, do it different. For one month.

Throw everything out of your living room or dining room or bedroom. Paint one of the rroms black if it is white or white if it is colour. Purposefully make yourself try new experiences. Discomfit your senses. Don't think you have to like everything new: just the experience of it.

Again, pfffffft, while you might not be able to totally spontaneous about plans with friends, where I live, we think nothing of an hour trip to have dinner with friends in the city.........remember, sleepovers are an integral aspect of having a freind with benefits and/or a lover. Distance actually helps this happen more naturally.

C'mon Jory........you've probably got so much to offer one of the 384,568 guys out there in your tri-county area who is also looking for meaningful companionship and love.

 

[CagedBird]

I DID read all your post Jory.

Please note I didnt come out till last Jan @ age 51!

I faked it being STR8 for most of my life having [ugh] sex with females.

Yes, I do whats typical of homo-come-lately in life: regret waiting sooooo damn long. But guess what, Im having an enormous amount of fun with my first love/gay XP that I have little time to look back. Sure, I wish I had started sooner, but thank God I decided to come out at all!

Better late than never as they say......time to live the life you were meant to live!

 

[Jory]

I don't know where they found them. You'll have to ask them that question.

Lex

I do 9 times of of 10 they say they met at a bar which I am always told here never happens.

 

[drhladnjak]

I wouldn't necessarily blame your problems on coming out later in life. I'm convinced there are just some people who relationships don't seem to work for.

When I came out at 25, I was convinced that I had already waited too long and wasted many years. As time has gone by, I realize how it's not as big of a deal. Even waiting until 40 or 50 or even 60 is not the end of the world. As the old saying goes, how old would you be right now if you hadn't come out? In actual years, exactly the same but perhaps even more aged by the stress and assorted difficulties of remaining in the closet.

The disturbing part is that the longer I'm out, the more I feel that I may also be one of those people who may not have the capacity to love somebody or make a relationship work. Despite meeting lots and lots of other gay men over the past few years, I still don't feel like I've ever found anybody I truly click with well enough to consider forming a serious relationship with. Moreover, I'm not sure I have the patience or desire to put in the effort necessary for a relationship to function. It just seems like dating and developing a relationship shouldn't seem like a chore. The only thing that gives me any hope that it may not be true is that I find trying to accept it makes me feel slightly depressed

I realize now how much a driver sex was in the past for putting myself out there to meet other people. Now that the novelty of sex has worn off (I went through a classic slut phase), my motivation for getting out there and meeting others has waned. I've become very jaded towards spending money on drinks and cover charges for access to a bunch of flawed people I seem to have little in common with besides being gay.

Really folks, I'm not as bitter as I sound. Ugh, it's been a long week!

 

[spreadeagle]

This dilemma is not unusual.

In order to survive in cultures where homosexuality is socially unacceptable and homophobia is prevalent, queers have to self-monitor and censor their thoughts, feelings and spontaneous reactions. Because this self-repression begins early in life and is likely to be at its strongest during puberty and adolescence, gay men are not in the habit of expressing their affections openly, honestly or spontaneously. Unfortunately the ability to be responsive and honest are prerequisites for maintaining successful relationships.

The difficulties are compounded over time because psychologically we are addicted to the familiar; we feel secure when each day is like the day before. Each day we survive without a significant other simply adds more weight to the belief that we are destined to be alone. There are two ways to jump:

Debunk the romantic myth,accept what can't be changed, live in the moment and celebrate the positive aspects of our solitary lives.

Or make radical but rational changes in the knowledge that if we want to experience different results in our lives then we need to take different actions. At 40 a single man usually has a more secure economic base, sufficient experience to anticipate outcomes, and enough self-awareness to know what is possible.

At the end of the day are you going to choose misery or joy?

 

[Jory]

jak yes I have know of the idea that some people are ment to belone but I still would love to have the chance to see if I am not among them that all I ask nothing too hard and spreadeagle of couse I want to end my day on a high note. but sometime when I get into bed it kind of hits me that I am in there a lone it would kind of be nice if well you know

The funny thing is I have this friend who into spirtuality and stuff like that he keep saying I am going to meet someone soon. has happen yet but I am hopefull............Oh do you know anyone in construction? Cause he's the guy

 

[Jory]

He'll cum if you build it.

Okay Bradlee why is the phrase; "it's alive it's alive" running through my head?

 

[jockboy01]

hmmm, I don't know. I guess my advice would be to focus on the future rather than the past. I came out later in life... not 40s mind you... but I don't regret a single day before or after that. It happened and I believe that I was where I was supposed to be at all of those instances. Would life have been different if I was out at 15? You bet. Would it have been better? I'm not convinced it would have been. Different, not better, not worse. But regardless, I can't change the past.

I think the old saying "today is the first day of the rest of your life" really holds true. What happened yesterday is over. You can make a change and you can be whatever you want... at whatever age. I understand your thoughts about not being in a relationship. I've never been either. But I don't think that means I never will be. Maybe I won't, maybe I will. Would I like to be? Sure. But only with a great guy... because I deserve that. Where will I meet him? Who the hell knows. I've met guys at bars... some I'd even like to date. But that's not the only place I've met them. I've met some of my best gay friends through other friends or at work. Gays are everywhere, you just have to be open to seeing them.

It'll work out... but you have to just focus on the present and future instead of the past.

 

[Jory]

hmmm, I don't know. I guess my advice would be to focus on the future rather than the past. I came out later in life... not 40s mind you... but I don't regret a single day before or after that. It happened and I believe that I was where I was supposed to be at all of those instances. Would life have been different if I was out at 15? You bet. Would it have been better? I'm not convinced it would have been. Different, not better, not worse. But regardless, I can't change the past.

I think the old saying "today is the first day of the rest of your life" really holds true. What happened yesterday is over. You can make a change and you can be whatever you want... at whatever age. I understand your thoughts about not being in a relationship. I've never been either. But I don't think that means I never will be. Maybe I won't, maybe I will. Would I like to be? Sure. But only with a great guy... because I deserve that. Where will I meet him? Who the hell knows. I've met guys at bars... some I'd even like to date. But that's not the only place I've met them. I've met some of my best gay friends through other friends or at work. Gays are everywhere, you just have to be open to seeing them.

It'll work out... but you have to just focus on the present and future instead of the past.

Yeah but those who don't study the past are doomed to repeat it

 

[Justice Smith]

Thanks Jory,

Reading this has helped me immensely.

Moreso than you may understand at the moment.