i came out to my parents against my own will this morning

[justaguy4funn]

that's right

and it's by far the worst day of my life.

so, while i was in the shower, my dad decided he would be an AWESOME dad and read my texts. so he did. and there were some that obviously pointed to me being gay.

so right when i get out of the shower my dad goes "come talk to me and mom"

and the rest i hardly even remember because i was so traumatized.

this is so not how i imagined it.

and i'm not relieved whatsoever

and now i can't enjoy the holidays

which are my favorite time of the year.

 

[Inwood]

How did they react?

 

[G-Lexington]

Apparently, they didn't react well, or you wouldn't have said "I'm not relieved at all".

Time for Plan B - damage control.

What DID they say? What's the situation now?

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

With all the due respect, going through your texts, father or not, without your express permission is completely inexcusable. It is the worst violation of your personal freedom within the family environment.

You want to think long and hard about this. And your father will do himself a great service by learning to respect you by NOT snooping around.

To put it in a purely utilitarian context, in a shortwhile, he'll need you more than you'll need him. Possibly loosing you over such an act, is indeed an act of manifest stupidity on his part.

SC

 

[justaguy4funn]

my mom reacted fine...like i knew she would. i came home today and she acted like nothing had happened at all.

my dad was being an ignorant asshole, talking like it was a decision i made or like it was a disease that "just because we're gonna see a lot of family soon doesnt mean i should tell them"

and now he's avoiding me too. he called my mom to ask when i'd be leaving to go out so he could come back after i left.

and thanks for the replies guys. i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks my father is the most disrespectful, ignorant person ever.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, if nothing else, you now know nothing of yours is safe from his eyes.

Do you still live at home? Or are you home from college for the holidays?

Lex

 

[BearMagus]

It doesn't seem your dad is against you........just trying to deal with his mixed emotions. He might be a little embarrassed about his own reaction. From experience, I think dads have a more difficult time than moms. Look at it this way....all our lives we are told to be men, act like men, tough it out like a man, etc. Dads want to see their sons grow up to be a "men" however that is defined. In our culture, being gay is seen as almost the opposite of being a true man. There is so much stigma and stereotype. Give your dad some time to work through his thoughts and emotions.


But don't excuse his snooping. Hell, maybe he snooped because he had his suspicions to begin with.

 

[Steppenwolf]

SiverRRCloud is absolutely right. It's up to your father to make things right between the two of you and make you trust him again, not the other way around. If he wants to avoid you, then let him be the one to come back to you when he realizes what's at stake. That's one hell of a lousy way to come out. I'm glad that your mom seems to be cool.

 

[operafan]

I agree on the dad's inexcusable behavior. I have to assume it will all get better now that they know and can adjust to it.

Good luck.

 

[gmoney]

I see some good responses here already. You're dad was wrong in taking it upon himself to read your texts. That's your private stuff! So, he found out in an unexpected way and now needs to come to terms with everything.

Just because your parents know doesn't mean it's time to come out to everyone else right now. Only you know when that time is right.

You are the same son they had before they knew this. I say if holidays are important, then continue with what brings you the most pleasure from the holidays and let your father carry the burden of this newfound awareness.

 

[landers]

I'd confront your dad about his snooping through your texts. Gay or straight that's just not acceptable behaviour. Don't even talk about what he found just tell him how it was wrong for him to look through your texts.

 

[rareboy]

Hopefully your mom will be able to bridge the gap.

Tell your Dad that you understand that he may be a little upset and confused about all of this, but that you hope he will come to accept it because it will not be changing.

As he gets more people telling him he's being an asshole, he may come to realize his behaviour is wrong, not yours.

Obviously, this will put a bit of a crimp on the holiday celebrations, but do the right thing and rise above it. Just be a loving son.

 

[maxpowr9]

When I came out (against my own will as well), my dad had a bad reaction as well, and still nearly 4 years later, we have pretty much no relationship besides being family. Reckon there wasn't much of a realationship before it happened anyways nor do I really want to have one now.

As for advice, I dunno what kind of relationship you had beforehand. If it was a good relationship, you may want to try and repair it. If it was something like mine, you probably express alot of apathy.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Justaguy4funn, how old are you anyway? Also are you still in school, uni or working?

 

[pistolperry]

how old are you? r u going to college. if u r at least u wont have to see him that much then. what ur going through is prolly similar to what would happen if my parnets found out about me. my mom would be a little disappointed but understanding but my dad would be a)shocked b)pissed and c)spiteful. since im their only son i can kind of understand why hteyd be disappointed but i hope they'll be at least a little supporting.
hope things work out for u

 

[justaguy4funn]

i'm 18 and a senior in high school. thanks guys for all the responses...i don't see it getting better anytime soon but for the time being he's calmed down and its just more awkward than anything else so thats good i guess...

 

[TomahawkEagle]

i'm 18 and a senior in high school. thanks guys for all the responses...i don't see it getting better anytime soon but for the time being he's calmed down and its just more awkward than anything else so thats good i guess...

Do you plan to go though university or some form of post secondary education?

 

[Eagle653]

Your father reading your texts was a gross invasion of your privacy. Additionally, it was disrespectful. OK, parents aren't perfect either--we all know that and they didn't have a manual on how to be a good parent. But, this IS an issue that I hope you address when the dust settles.

As an aside, I'd be curious why he felt compelled to snoop. Did he suspect you're gay and try to get confirmatory evidence? Did he sense something amiss and try to see if you were in trouble or having difficulty? Or, was he just nosey and thought he could just get into your business because you were his "kid" and you lived in his house? All of those scenarios would require different responses.

Anyway, you're out. Usually, I'd offer congratulations, but geez, what a way to come out. Of course you don't feel relief--I'd worry if you did. Coming out against your will is humiliating and terribly uncomfortable. It creates an awkwardness and self-consciousness for a while. The holidays might be weird, but you'll get through them fine. Believe me when I tell you that each day that goes by will be better and soon you'll be used to them knowing. Once you get at that point, you'll feel better about that aspect of it.

Since your father seems to be somewhat a work of art, I hope that you can get your mother to be your go-between in the interim. Find out what's going on and express yourself through her (even probing her as to what caused him to snoop on you like that)?

He needs to come clean with you just like he asked you to come clean with him. I worry about your relationship until he does.

Hang in there. You did good, and I'm sure handled yourself well. If you can see a silver-lining in this...you won't be having this conversation 1, 2, 3, 4, or 10 years from now, worrying up to the moment. The cat is out of the bag and that is all behind you now.

Good luck. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing!

 

[TygreBryte]

The things your dad said were very close to some things my mom said when I came out to them. They're really hard things to hear.

If you are 18, your dad has no reason to be going through your texts. But parents, when they're paying for things, and you're living in their house, sometimes claim a right to snoop. Of course, the result of this snooping will be "between" you from now on.

And it stinks that all this came down at family holiday season.

A lot of people in this thread have made good suggestions about different things to do next.

 

[joeG23]

Hey man

1. Your dad did wrong
2. It's out now, don't let yourself be put back in the closet
3. Your mom sounds great. Let her know you love her
4. Your dad may have issues, give him time
5. You're 18 and old enough to make your own decisions. This is YOUR life not his or theirs. Live it for yourself
6. Things may not seem great at the moment. But don't wallow in it. What's done is done. Now you have a chance to move forward. Take that chance.
7. There's nothing wrong in being gay - that part of you is what makes you who you are. Embrace it.
8. Best of luck.

Joe