I can't find any happiness in my life because I'm single

[fallinlove]

I'm in my late 30s already, just recently ended a serious relationship and the breakup and loss of our future together is devastating to me.

Once again I'm single and miserable. I'm beginning to realize that this "hetero" lifestyle that I've always wanted (settling down with a guy and having kids) might never actually happen. And it just depresses me. It's so damn hard to find a partner in the gay community and I just cant seem to find any way to be happy if I end up being single. It feels so lonely and unfulfilling to me.

How do you guys who are 30+ dealing with being single? Are you ok it? Have you found ways to be happy with it, or are you just used to it?

I live in a big gay city and while there are of course many single guys, a lot are also married and even having kids via surrogate. I just wish I were one of those.

I just cant get used to the idea of being alone and also fulfilled in life...

 

[novastar]

i went to pieces after my divorce. I went to therapy. Now im with a great person. Get happy with yourself first

 

[Briacon429]

i went to pieces after my divorce. I went to therapy. Now im with a great person. Get happy with yourself first

Same here (basically). I went through a tough breakup about 10 years ago, albeit not a divorce, and it took me a while to deal with that “loss of a future together” to use Fallinlove’s words.

As fate would have it, I met my now-husband when I was on the rebound. I wasn’t expecting to get in another long-term relationship, and neither was he, because he was frustrated with his own love life too. Yet that’s when the stars aligned. The same thing can happen to you!

Btw, I don’t agree with that part about a “hetero lifestyle”. Your lifestyle is what you want it to be. Some people feel a strong urge to get married and have kids, but a lot of other people don’t. That has nothing to do with being gay or straight; it has everything to do with what you want out of life. (Granted, straight people have it easier when it comes to conceiving a child, but the desire is no different.)

Just do what works for you— and if you’re not sure what that is, then your single life is a good time to try things out. Sooner or later you’ll find someone who wants the same thing as you do.

 

[72-Jay]

How do you guys who are 30+ dealing with being single? Are you ok it? Have you found ways to be happy with it, or are you just used to it?

I'm beyond my 30's, and I've .always. been single.
Yep I'm ok with it, maybe simply just a matter of being used to it since its always been that way. Its a simple matter of the fact that I am basically unloveable/unfriendable.
But also on top of that I'm really better off just staying single anyway...

the breakup and loss of our future together is devastating to me.

i went to pieces after my divorce.

This type of thing is why I say that I'm better off staying single...I truly believe that I'm one of those people who would die of a broken heart
...that all said, I do believe in long-term/committed/monogamous relationships, and even daydream about such . . but in reality it ain't gonna happen for me

 

[novastar]

Shortly after my divorce...immediately after wifey moved out, actually...a close straight male friend of almost twenty years made a move on me and now we are happily together. You never know what life brings

 

[GayCuriousSub]

Shortly after my divorce...immediately after wifey moved out, actually...a close straight male friend of almost twenty years made a move on me and now we are happily together. You never know what life brings

Wow! that is one of the top THREE happy endings in the real world I've ever heard! Good for you. Be Happy and treat your partner like gold.

 

[ballcaphair]

I'm bi and I'm under 30, so probably anything is possible. I cannot imagine monogamy and that may be who I am and who I will be. One my my guys and two girlfriends, all of whom are aware of my lifestyle, say they love me enough to stay hooked forever. My feelings run deep for each of them, but if and until I come to terms with me, I've told them that I am a blind alley. I think I know love and feel it, but it's a wonderful, but dim light in the distance and I'm unsure I'm headed in that direction. I do not envy those who are in love. They make me happy and brighten the world. I find happiness in all of this. I'm a romantic entirely and glad of it.

 

[GayCuriousSub]

the daydream about a real relationship shouldn't just dissipate. in fact it could happen at any time. I completely to your comment about dying of a broken heart. I think a person can survive multiple broken hearts. but I know I never want another one. no thanks.

And your comments about staying single REALLY hit home. I'm not sure what I am trying to say be maybe......you're not alone, truly NOT alone for all the comfort that may bring. I meant well. I really did. hang on. Mr. or Mrs. RIGHT may be right around the corner. also, they may not be. just keep hanging in as long as you can my friend

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

How do you guys who are 30+ dealing with being single? Are you ok it? Have you found ways to be happy with it, or are you just used to it?

He died 5 years ago. He was everything I could have ever wanted from a friend and a lover in this life and More.

Still see the man I was with before him (going there tomorrow) and have various fb´s mostly around Amsterdam... but after this I want to be alone for a long time... perhaps for ever.

 

[72-Jay]

Shortly after my divorce...immediately after wifey moved out, actually...a close straight male friend of almost twenty years made a move on me and now we are happily together. You never know what life brings

Wow! that is one of the top THREE happy endings in the real world I've ever heard! Good for you. Be Happy and treat your partner like gold.

I agree, that is a truly happy ending to a sad thing.

He died 5 years ago.

So sorry to hear that Glad to hear you still have your other friends though!

the daydream about a real relationship shouldn't just dissipate. in fact it could happen at any time. I completely to your comment about dying of a broken heart. I think a person can survive multiple broken hearts. but I know I never want another one. no thanks.

And your comments about staying single REALLY hit home. I'm not sure what I am trying to say be maybe......you're not alone, truly NOT alone for all the comfort that may bring. I meant well. I really did. hang on. Mr. or Mrs. RIGHT may be right around the corner. also, they may not be. just keep hanging in as long as you can my friend

I do daydream about a real/meaningful relationship frequently. Far too much actually...almost every evening while waiting to fall asleep. I wish I was one of those people that could just lay down in bed & be out like a light, but doesn't seem to matter how tired I am, it takes awhile to fall asleep. In a way I wish I could kill the daydreams (or really more simply just 'turn off' my thinker when I lay down in bed ).
Pretty sure I get what you're saying in the last sentence, & thanks
I know 'never say never' is truly a thing, but I really have given up on anything relationship-wize (that said I don't consider single as a bad thing)

 

[Kyanimal]

Growing up we moved every 3-5 yr. I learned not to get too attached to people I'd likely never see again. As ruthless as it might sound, it became "no big deal" for me to "easily" discard old friends, make new ones, that I'd have to give up later, and move on. I didn't really have a choice. Callouses serve their purposes.

In addition, my sexuality was also "fluidic". I was fascinated with sex, willing to try, to explore and discover, so it wasn't until I was 30 that I "owned up" to my core inclinations, and went totally with dudes.

Previously though, I was exceedingly "lucky" with the ladies, and nearly married five, or six, of them. What stopped me was my "ingrained" reluctance to attempt anything long term, and my underlying interest in guys.

SO ... I jumped into the gay scene like a kid in a candy store. I eventually met a popular bartender named Kevin, and figured I didn't have a chance in hell with someone like him. However, things have a way of taking unexpected turns ...

That was (OMG!) 36 years ago, and we're still together! Granted, there were 3 break ups along the way, and countless other surprises ...

Funny thing is, he's more attached than I am. He's the one who has kept coming back. Even after all these years, I still don't think of our relationship as "long term". I guess I'm wrong about that!

It all depends on what you're expecting vs. what is actually happening. Quite often, if you're looking too hard, you might never find what you think you're looking for. On the other hand, if you let things go, whatever way they will, leaving yourself open to all the possibilities you might encounter, without preconceived expectations, limiting demands, forced conditions, self imposed restrictions/expectations, well ...

That's just me and my experiences. I'm not trying to tell anybody how they should live their lives. God knows I have absolutely no qualifications to even assume I have any rights, or qualifications, to presume such an approach. All I can do is share, maybe providing a different perspective ...

I'm wishing all of you the Best, in your desires, hopes, and ventures!

HUGS!!
Chaz

 

[GayCuriousSub]

Growing up we moved every 3-5 yr. I learned not to get too attached to people I'd likely never see again. As ruthless as it might sound, it became "no big deal" for me to "easily" discard old friends, make new ones, that I'd have to give up later, and move on. I didn't really have a choice. Callouses serve their purposes.

In addition, my sexuality was also "fluidic". I was fascinated with sex, willing to try, to explore and discover, so it wasn't until I was 30 that I "owned up" to my core inclinations, and went totally with dudes.

Previously though, I was exceedingly "lucky" with the ladies, and nearly married five, or six, of them. What stopped me was my "ingrained" reluctance to attempt anything long term, and my underlying interest in guys.

SO ... I jumped into the gay scene like a kid in a candy store. I eventually met a popular bartender named Kevin, and figured I didn't have a chance in hell with someone like him. However, things have a way of taking unexpected turns ...

That was (OMG!) 36 years ago, and we're still together! Granted, there were 3 break ups along the way, and countless other surprises ...

Funny thing is, he's more attached than I am. He's the one who has kept coming back. Even after all these years, I still don't think of our relationship as "long term". I guess I'm wrong about that!

It all depends on what you're expecting vs. what is actually happening. Quite often, if you're looking too hard, you might never find what you think you're looking for. On the other hand, if you let things go, whatever way they will, leaving yourself open to all the possibilities you might encounter, without preconceived expectations, limiting demands, forced conditions, self imposed restrictions/expectations, well ...

That's just me and my experiences. I'm not trying to tell anybody how they should live their lives. God knows I have absolutely no qualifications to even assume I have any rights, or qualifications, to presume such an approach. All I can do is share, maybe providing a different perspective ...

I'm wishing all of you the Best, in your desires, hopes, and ventures!

HUGS!!
Chaz

Thank You Kyanimal . so you married SIX of the good smellin' curvey rascals? I only married TWO of them
they were both the same woman. I blame my parents siblings and close friends. THAT would have been the time to have me committed to the Laughing Academy (emoticons aint workin')

your relationship is impressive. I'm not a "statistics" kida guy, but I bet there can't be all that many Hetero couples who could make the same claim!

 

[Kyanimal]

Oops! Seems I've made a wrong impression. I nearly married five or six of them. Got fairly close to "THE Question" before backing away. Kinda like hanging your toes over the cliff's edge, looking down, and deciding not to jump. Funny thing is, I really do have a "thing" about heights. I'd NEVER get that close to an actual physical edge.

You and my sister have something in common. She's been married three times. Her two daughters are the products of weddings #1 and #2. However, they have the same dad.

 

[GayCuriousSub]

I tried to reply. hope it worked!

 

[phaesti0n]

I am in the same boat.

Last week, I had a tough talk with the first guy I've been more than just physically attracted to in over 6 years and he turned me and my friendship down (he's straight).

It sucks, I feel stuck, and out-of-place being 30+ living in a conservative area with very heteronormative and traditional views on relationships (if it were just sex, it'd be a lot easier).

Unfortunately, I've come to terms with the fact that this just may be my fate and that my happiness might need to come from somewhere else. I feel as though I have lifelong trust issues and a lack of options that keep me from exercises in relationships that most people grow out of. I've been doing my best to emphasize the importance of friendship (although as I age that seems to be harder and harder to come by), activities, and really trying to enjoy my alone time.

I don't know if it's working - but I am doing my damndest to convince myself it is enough.

I hope you can find peace and if you do, please share!

 

[USEDCAR]

Gay life sucks in small towns that's why gay men are always single. Thats why a lot of gay men move to bigger cities your odds of meeting someone is better and bigger cities have more resources for gay people. It really does get depressing when you see all your straight friends in and out of relationships and your still single and you have to pretend your excited or interested when they are talking about their love life. I am working hard everyday to get my self out of this little town to a bigger city.

phaesti0n- your honestly shouldn't try to be friends with a straight guy your attracted too your asking to get hurt down the road.

 

[72-Jay]

I've been doing my best to emphasize the importance of friendship (although as I age that seems to be harder and harder to come by), activities, and really trying to enjoy my alone time.

I don't know if it's working - but I am doing my damndest to convince myself it is enough.

I think that's really all you can do.
I pretty much feel the same as you here. Anymore, the thought of a boyfriend is nice, but I know I'll always be single, and am basically ok with with that.

 

[texan_slant]

I am age 51, have always been single, and am happy being single. I also have never had a roommate in 25 years; I have had a few hookups, but have never dated. On the other hand, I am close to family, and close to friends, and have no issues creating and maintaining ties with people, though I am super discriminatory with who I allow in my life, and who/how I spend my time. I travel a lot on my own with no companions, and am super comfortable with myself. I also clean out my contacts list every year, cuz my mental bandwidth is limited to only a few people with whom I am super close to.

Having to do with how I was brought up, I do think that have issues being intimate with someone in that capacity, and it takes a lot for me to establish trust in others; though sociable, I am also an introvert, and crave my own space. It's not to say that I would never let love happen, but I'm not going to date or shop for anyone. If it falls into place, then that is the way the cookie was meant to crumble.

I am not saying that this is "right". I am just saying that this is how my life has turned out, and am still happy.

My mother always told me this - never depend on anyone for your happiness, cuz it has to come from within, first. She also told me that In order to be with anyone else, you gotta learn how to be by, and with, yourself, cuz there never is a guarantee that you won't be single - and you have to keep "living", regardless.

Unfortunately, the downfall is that I am much older, much less tolerant, and so comfortable in my own space, that I am not so sure that I could be with anyone! I am making a choice to not try and date or work on - how to be with someone. At this point, I would rather take the easy route and not deal with a relationship, cuz they take work! Is it a cop-out? Yes. I am happy in the moment? Yes.

 

[Telstra]

I'm in my late 30s already, just recently ended a serious relationship and the breakup and loss of our future together is devastating to me.

Once again I'm single and miserable. I'm beginning to realize that this "hetero" lifestyle that I've always wanted (settling down with a guy and having kids) might never actually happen. And it just depresses me. It's so damn hard to find a partner in the gay community and I just cant seem to find any way to be happy if I end up being single. It feels so lonely and unfulfilling to me.

How do you guys who are 30+ dealing with being single? Are you ok it? Have you found ways to be happy with it, or are you just used to it?

I live in a big gay city and while there are of course many single guys, a lot are also married and even having kids via surrogate. I just wish I were one of those.

I just cant get used to the idea of being alone and also fulfilled in life...

I'm single and
fine as far as i know compared to the "married people"

 

[texan_slant]

All of my friends are middle-aged, straight, married couples, and I end up being the proverbial friend who listens to all sides of the story, not to mention the observer of ppl-dynamics. If any of my married male friends end up in divorce, they say they would never do it again...