I can't get off! :(

[Swmr2009]

Ok so here's my problem. I've been with several guys and a few girls, but none of them have yet to get me off. The only was I've ever been able to achieve an orgasm is by masturbation, and it's ruining my relationships. Anything I could do to fix this? Does anyone else have the same problem?


Thanks in advance for any replies!

 

[HunterM]

I'm guessing it has to do with performance anxiety. When you're by yourself though, what turns you on to get you off? Do you need to watch porn to get off or just close your eyes thinking about a mental image? What specific scenes in porn that really get you to blow your load?

 

[hothunk222]

Maybe you have been jerking off to porn to much?

 

[KaraBulut]

Start with the question, "Why is it always the responsibility of the other person to get you off?"

If you're getting fucked, it's perfectly fine to jack yourself off.

If you're getting blown, it's perfectly fine to jack yourself off to finish- make it into a come-all-over-your-partner or give him/her a facial.

If you're doing the fucking, there's no problem with taking care of the other person's needs and jacking yourself off to finish.

Or is this more of an issue that you're not able to relax enough to come when someone else is around?

 

[lilman]

i have the same issue, i've never came from someone elses actions.. i can get myself off but i've never had someone actually GET ME OFF... i don't know if its an emotional block or if i'm just not as sensitive as the guys i've been with....

i think its the latter but who knows.. the OP is pretty brave to bring up this topic, i've never actually heard anyone actually admit to it lol

 

[Rooster]

I hate that the first answer people always have for this question is "performance anxiety". A lot of the times people just get conditioned to a certain way of masturbating and then they can't get off from intercourse. It isn't an easy problem to solve. It also can be very frustrating because people want to experience giving up control of their body to someone else and being brought to orgasm by a partner instead of through masturbation.

This question, "Why is it always the responsibility of the other person to get you off?" in particular is stupid because it has nothing to do with the OP's problem. From what I can tell the OP has never experienced another person getting them off, so being all accusatory is ridiculous.

What I hear works is finding a partner who is patient and then systematically working toward cumming. You first start by teaching them how to masturbate you to orgasm, then you move to intercourse with them finishing you off by hand, and then finally working to get off by intercourse alone.

 

[Swmr2009]

@HunterM I dont think it's performance anxiety. I've been perfectly comfortable with the people I've been with :-/

@lilman I HATE IT! Ugh

@Rooster Thank you! I think I'll take your advice.

 

[genthree]

Well, at least you know everything is in working order. So you can include a fantasy or perhaps ask your partner to do something along those lines.
It will cum , so will you...........

 

[dancub]

I now what you're going through, something similar happens to me.
I've never been able to get off someone just by fucking, but I have by masturbating or sucking.

Just once I was able to get off by fucking someone, and it really was awesome. I want to experience that again with my guy but hasn't happened yet Fortunately he doesn't care that much about jacking me off or sucking till I come. But I really want to come inside him (we're both healthy and in a committed relationship).

Sometimes I think we just gotta find a good fucking rythm or something like that. Any advice?

 

[Deandbn]

Actually, you can get off, and you do get off. So your junk does work.

You just cant do it when someone else is around, and that is called performance anxiety.

You need to take it more slowly, get used to your partner, lose your expectations of your self and your partner, and just enjoy yourselves.

 

[Rooster]

Actually, you can get off, and you do get off. So your junk does work.

You just cant do it when someone else is around, and that is called performance anxiety.

You need to take it more slowly, get used to your partner, lose your expectations of your self and your partner, and just enjoy yourselves.

Uh huh.

So what do you call it if you can get off with someone there but only by masturbation?

Not every case where someone can't get off is the result of performance anxiety.

 

[Rooster]

I now what you're going through, something similar happens to me.
I've never been able to get off someone just by fucking, but I have by masturbating or sucking.

Just once I was able to get off by fucking someone, and it really was awesome. I want to experience that again with my guy but hasn't happened yet Fortunately he doesn't care that much about jacking me off or sucking till I come. But I really want to come inside him (we're both healthy and in a committed relationship).

Sometimes I think we just gotta find a good fucking rythm or something like that. Any advice?

I've heard that edging throughout the day works for some people. Some day when you have a lot of free time, just masturbate several times throughout the day but completely stop each time when you get close to cumming. On the end of the day, fuck your partner.

 

[KaraBulut]

So what do you call it if you can get off with someone there but only by masturbation?

You call it "sex".

Porn has had a lot of positive effects on gay sexuality but creative editing and erectile dysfunction drugs have made it appear that everyone stays hard, everyone starts with oral and finishes with anal, everyone gets off and everyone comes pretty much at the same time.

It doesn't always happen that way in the real world.

The point of having sex with someone is pleasure and enjoying it together. It doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there.

 

[Rooster]

You call it "sex".

Porn has had a lot of positive effects on gay sexuality but creative editing and erectile dysfunction drugs have made it appear that everyone stays hard, everyone starts with oral and finishes with anal, everyone gets off and everyone comes pretty much at the same time.

It doesn't always happen that way in the real world.

The point of having sex with someone is pleasure and enjoying it together. It doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there.

Just because it doesn't matter to you doesn't mean that it doesn't matter to other people. It is a fact that most people can get off when their partner stimulates them, whether it be through masturbation, oral sex, or anal sex. However, it can be quite frustrating for someone if they can only get off by stimulating themselves. It makes sex into an act of perpetual self masturbation. I think most people would want at least for their partner to be able to get them off by masturbating them. And it can be frustrating to a partner if they are unable to make you cum.

That is what I am assuming the OP was talking about. He may need to clarify.

 

[Swmr2009]

Okay, clarification. I can get off around another person, that's not the problem. The problem occurs when any other person attempts to get me off. No matter how comfortable I am with them.

I guess I need to elaborate on exactly what my view of sex is. I think that having any type of intercourse with a person is considered sex, but I'm not satisfied with that, and I don't think many others would be either. So of course, @KaraBulut I have had sex, and you may think that I should just leave well enough alone, but if most others can get off, why can't I? I'm not here demanding an answer as to why I can't get off. I'm simply asking if anyone has/had the same problem, and if so what they did to fix it.

 

[HunterM]

Try watching porn while someone else is getting you off.

 

[KaraBulut]

@KaraBulut I have had sex, and you may think that I should just leave well enough alone, but if most others can get off, why can't I? I'm not here demanding an answer as to why I can't get off. I'm simply asking if anyone has/had the same problem, and if so what they did to fix it.

There's a lot of reasons why this can happen but most of them have to do with anxiety, inability to let go and the anticipation that you won't be able to come. In some cases with guys that have jacked off a lot or used unusual masturbation techniques, it's very hard for another person to match that. Sometimes it is discomfort about one's body. Sometimes it's a control issue. But the most frustrating circumstance is when the fear of something happening (or not happening) becomes the cause.

My point to you is this- stage-fright isn't fear that comes upon someone during a show, it's a fear that happens backstage before an actor makes his entrance.

You've got a lot of fear and frustration that is building up over this issue. It shouldn't be an impediment to enjoying sex. Be honest with your partners that you are really enjoying yourself and like what they're doing but that most of the time you have to come by jacking off. It's better just to talk about the elephant in the room and get rid of any misunderstanding. And instead of focusing on what isn't happening, you should focus on being there completely and having the best sex possible. When you're ready to come, give it a mental inventory and if what your partner is doing isn't getting you there, then finish things yourself. Make a show of it. Give your partner a facial if they like that. Or shoot all over yourself if your partner likes to watch. Or have them kiss you deeply while you're jacking off so that they're in the moment, too. Or jack yourself off until you're close and have your partner put their hand on yours while licking your balls.

In short, don't make the issue bigger than it is. Sex is supposed to be about intimacy and sharing pleasure with someone. And most people aren't going to walk away unhappy because they weren't able to get you off from any particular sex act. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, you would be better off just finding ways to make it part of sex and then expanding upon that to go further as you relax and get to know your sex partner.

 

[Rooster]

@KaraBulut

I seriously doubt it has anything to do with fear if he can get off by his own hand with a partner. Although I agree with all the suggestions. Talk about it openly. Make the sex as enjoyable as possible. It can become a mental block.

@Swmr2009

If you can't get off as a result of masturbation habits then I would suggest cutting back. If you jack off every day or more then it could help to cut it back to once a week. To mix things up, you could also invest in a fleshlight. A lot of guys with this problem have a particular way of jacking off, such as gripping really tight or going really fast, and that makes it difficult or impossible for a partner to simulate the sensations. A fleshlight would be a great tool to simulate sensations closer to actual sex and giving up some of the absolute control inherent in masturbation. If it is a mental block issue, then the more you want your partner to make you cum, the harder it will be.

I don't agree with your perceptions of sex. I understand how frustrating it can be not to get off by a partner's stimulation, but some of the best sex I have ever had I never got off at all. If you want to ensure getting off then stick to masturbation because then you have absolute control and it can be just as pleasurable as your imagination can make it. Going into sex with the intent of getting off would ruin it for me because I just want to have fun. The fun part about sex is sharing the experience with another person, which means giving up a lot of control over how things turn out. If sex becomes just about getting off then it is no different than masturbation even if you are cumming inside a partner. If a partner gets you off, it should just be the cherry on the ice cream.