I can't recognize my self

[AronaL]

Hello to this great community.
I'm 32 years old and I've always been attracted to older men.I met this guy couple of months ago online.He's 67.We see each other weekly and texting every day for hours.I started to like this guy and I don't even know why.Yes he kind get me but there are so many wrong things about this "friendship" i don't know where to start:
-there's the 35 year gap (OK not really a big deal)
-he's married
-we're both top (Until now I only dated bottoms)
-we kissed and it was pretty cold
-catch him asking around if I was sleeping with somebody else,and when I confronted him he lied at first
All this and I'm still obsessed with him,I've dump guys for far less.I don't know what his true intentions are.He says he like me and need me but he maybe manipulating me.I tried not to talk to him after I confronted but I was thinking about him all day and after 10 texts I answer.
I can't recognize my self.I'm really confused.I really need some common sense.
Thank you

 

[Cormac135]

Why haven't you slept with him yet ?

 

[AronaL]

I don't know.I didn't want to rush things until I see where I staind,he wanted couple of times but I turn him down.One time we made up in his office and would probably get all the way(whatever that is) if it wasn't for his secretary that interupted us.I really dont know honestly what should we do since we're both top and no oral on the menu but I do know that I want him close to me.

 

[Seasoned]

He's obviously filling a need, but he's married. I suggest it's something about him that you're attracted to. Find out what that is and look for it in someone else.

 

[SeaCore]

First of all, I love Seasoned's advice.

But that aside, can you talk a little more about what you mean when you say that you can't recognize yourself?
Do you mean 'I don't understand why I am acting this way?' or perhaps 'I don't get why I'm having these feelings?' or could it be something even more? Do you feel like you're changing as a person and you're not certain that it's for the better?

It seems like you have a lot to kind of unpack. But that's okay. Who we are, what we do, why we do it, can all be really confusing and seem like it should be straight-forward when it's not. And it's excellent that you're taking steps to get some support. Be proud of yourself for that.

 

[AronaL]

Well I guess I haven't figure why am atracted to him yet.On paper we did't exactly match but I seem to enjoy our talks.I tried to push him away but he has not quit.I don't get why I'm having this feelings.I consider my self grounded,down to eart guy,racional and this feels very oposite of me.I would NEVER ever consider relation with a married man but hey that's what happening and I seem to enjoy it.Like I said I keep finding things to push him away but he doesn't quit and that makes me wanting him even more.(I offend him twice he said that hurts but it's OK,we had argued for hours of how wrong this is and end up making out.) I fell strange.Like I'm felling happy but I know I shouldn't.

 

[aaggii]

If he´s married but he asks everyone if you sleep around... red flag!

If he is open to his partner, then fine, but if not, you might want to take a step back. If he cheats on his partner, he´ll cheat on you (unless you have no problem with this). The best way to get someone out of your mind is to cease contact with him and find other men to have fun with. It will take time, but it´s not impossible.

 

[AronaL]

I never really thought why he ask people about me but I felt disapointed.
Things to get worse he's married to a woman i forgot to mention that.I agree that once a cheater always a cheater.
Every fiber of my being teling me to step away and still here I am.

 

[Seasoned]

It's easy to get a rush from excitement. That's understandable, but the caution is that excitement can act like an addiction.

 

[AronaL]

Think I'm already addicted,I feel the rush,I'm fucking happy and smiling all the time.I fell like a highschool girl and I can't wait to get my next dose of him,even that I know It's killing me.

 

[offthewall14420]

You could try extreme sports like skydiving, cliff jumping, racing or something? Maybe there are other outlets less dangerous than fucking a married guy?

 

[eastofeden]

Think I'm already addicted,I feel the rush,I'm fucking happy and smiling all the time.I fell like a highschool girl and I can't wait to get my next dose of him,even that I know It's killing me.

What was your father like?

 

[AronaL]

What was your father like?

My father was an alcoholc with a lack of interest about my life.

 

[eastofeden]

My father was an alcoholc with a lack of interest about my life.

You might find some insight into why you can't recognize yourself if you look a little bit further at your father....and compare and contrast some things....

It isn't a judgement.....just a suggestion as it might help you recognize yourself again....

 

[AronaL]

You might find some insight into why you can't recognize yourself if you look a little bit further at your father....and compare and contrast some things....

It isn't a judgement.....just a suggestion as it might help you recognize yourself again....

Thank you for your suggestion,I kind always known where the source to my problem is.The thing is how to solve it.I even consider going to therapy about this.

 

[SeaCore]

Wait...? What is the source? I'm not so clear on it, if you mentioned it. Maybe sharing it will allow someone to offer you some solutions?

 

[AronaL]

Wait...? What is the source? I'm not so clear on it, if you mentioned it. Maybe sharing it will allow someone to offer you some solutions?

Well it'a text book exemple that the relationship with my father has something to do with my atraction to older men.

 

[SeaCore]

So you're normally attracted to older men? If that's the case, and you've been in relationships with these men that did not make you feel this sense of confusion then I'd be careful about jumping to the conclusion that your past relationship with your dad is the source.

Maybe that is the case, maybe it's not. But why would your relationship with your father not matter in those relationships but it somehow does in this one?

The conflict seems to be that you met this older guy that you do not believe you should be with. But in spite of that you are getting some kind of excitement out of having them in your life that prevents you from moving on. So I kind of have to wonder, why shouldn't you be with them? That hasn't really been explained.

 

[AronaL]

Yes I do only feel atracted to older men and I've only dated 50+ men and I guess it has something to do with my father isues.
I don't know if thats the case in this one.So confusing.All I know is that I want to get over this,there are so many reasons why this is wrong.Its wrong on so many levels.I need to detox and sober up.I find this forum and the info in it very very helpfull.Thanks to all of you

P.S. I do NOT fuck married man for sport

 

[eastofeden]

Yes I do only feel atracted to older men and I've only dated 50+ men and I guess it has something to do with my father isues.
I don't know if thats the case in this one.So confusing.All I know is that I want to get over this,there are so many reasons why this is wrong.Its wrong on so many levels.I need to detox and sober up.I find this forum and the info in it very very helpfull.Thanks to all of you

P.S. I do NOT fuck married man for sport

You might want to start with an Al-Anon meeting. This is for the family members of alcoholics....group discussion and guest speakers sometimes with the focus on the effect of an alcoholic parent....

You are sure to find a meeting on the internet close by..they are all over...and they are free....

Instead of me telling you anything specific.... which is a bad idea...you can come to terms on your own as fast or as slow as you like if you open the door to it...an alcoholic parent ALWAYS does damage...it is part of the disease...and the damage will likely manifest later in life with your relationships and attractions and interactions...

Good place to start