I can't seem to get over him.

[Philia]

Hello everyone. This is kind of long but I just really needed to vent out all my frustrations tonight.

So it’s been about 6 weeks since I ended things with my ex.

We were in a long distance relationship. After two months of chatting, I flew out to see him for about a week. It had its ups and downs.


It was pretty much down hill after I flew back. I couldn’t take being away from him so I felt the right thing to do was to break things off. I did and called it friends for the time being. Shortly after I had confessed that I wasn’t over him. He was pretty adamant about keeping his feelings vague. He didn’t want to “lead me on again.” No matter. I figure all I have to do is see him again face to face and he’ll fall for me over again. I started working out, tried to become more knowledgeable, worked these odd jobs to save up for another flight out.

Turns out things weren’t so cut and dry. I finally gathered the courage to say to him that things weren’t working out between him and I. He started talking to another guy. It wasn’t the first time actually. And while I tried to be mature about it, it just killed me to think that I wasn’t satisfying him anymore. I had to end it. He said some stupid things after we mutually called it off. Like how we were “too much a like” or how I was “too smart.” The only reason why I got interested in his type of music or the games he played was because he was into it and I wanted to be apart of his world. And because of that, I ended up “feeling more like a friend” to him. I felt like he was just trying to come up with excuses for why it wasn’t working.

I wanted to salvage the friendship though. Before any of this started he was initially a friend. So I tried to talk to him like one. We ended up talking about the guy he was talking to after everything was said and done. And I realized then that I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t take talking to him and having this image of the two in my head. So our conversations died. Eventually I blocked him. I couldn’t take seeing his screen name constantly pop up every time his status would change.

I took it really hard after. I got depressed. I stopped eating for awhile. Didn’t really notice it until someone pointed it out. On impulse I checked up on his myspace and he had a new picture up. And for some reason it was a huge shock. My chest started to cave in, my body got cold, and my breathing got heavy. I quickly closed the browser and threw up. And I just sat there huddled over with my hands in my face, crying inconsolably.

I’m more or less fine. I don't regret anything. I've learned a lot about myself and I feel that you have to go through some shit before you can appreciate the good stuff. I said I wasn’t going to do this again, but loneliness got the better of me and I sought someone out. It felt good to make someone happy again. We went out on a date and it just felt too platonic for anything to develop. It went well though I thought. But then he never signed back on AIM again and I haven’t heard from him since.


Lately I find myself thinking about my ex almost daily. He was my first romantic relationship. He was my first sexual experience. He was the first guy to break my heart. And while it doesn’t make me depressed anymore, it gets pretty close to it. I just feel tired and burnt out. I’m not really looking for advice, though I’d still appreciate it. I guess I wrote this out in the hopes that maybe someone has gone through something similar and would be kind enough to share their experiences. Misery loves company.

 

[StlKj]

Philia, my friend, what you are describing sounds like not just a loss of a relationship, but also a loss of yourself. You talk about this man and about how you tried to change things about yourself to get him to want you more. How you loved making HIM happy. How you flew out to see HIM. You got interested in things just because he was interested in them. And it sounds like there might be a hint of the same thing having happened before with your first love.

When we latch onto someone in order to not be lonely ourselves, we are, in essence, running from ourselves. Running from our fears, insecurities, etc. We invest ourselves in the other person, and it is through them that we find worth, validation and even a reason to go on. Until, of course, the relationship runs its course, as it often does when the person we choose to "love" begins to get wind of the fact that our attachment is more than he's willing or capable of giving.

I would strongly encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist to see if it is a pattern for you to fall for someone emotionally not available to you. It sounds like you may be dealing with issues of co-dependency, and you might benefit from counseling that helps you find yourself in you, as opposed to in other men. You deserve to have someone interested in you as much as you are in him, and then have him want to make you happy while you're doing the same in return.

 

[Philia]

Thank you for your insight. It's a different perspective I haven't really considered.

I suppose it could be a pattern. All the guys I fell for in the past have been straight guys who were obviously not willing to reciprocate any emotional affection. It has only been recently that I have come to terms with my sexuality and have accepted myself so they had no confirmation that I was attracted to them though I'm sure it was pretty obvious. The first gay guy I got involved in however ended up depending on me for support. I would constantly have to talk him off a metaphorical bridge and it wasn't healthy for both of us.

It's why I could never blame the ex for how he couldn't feel. I was essentially doing the same thing, though not to the extent as the other guy did to me. I feel that maybe we both went into it too fast, flew up to high, and got burned easily. More so him being the sun and I as Icarus. I'm sure it could be traced back to my childhood. I was what seemed like a constant disappointment to my father and as a result tried to find validation in other guys. But would it be too much of a cop out to say that oh, my father is to blame for my problems?

I am honestly afraid to enter another a relationship despite how desperately I desire one. I feel as if I would consequently bring them down to a place they do not wish to be. The reason why the ex evidently took the lead was because I felt I had nothing to offer. I tried to peek his interest in my musical tastes and more often than not there was something wrong with it. Eventually I just stopped trying and kept my hobbies and such to myself.

I guess for the time being I should be alone. Or at least not pursue anyone. You know, take some time to work on me before I bring someone else into the mix.

 

[puka-pride]

i know exactly how you feel...

the difference is its been longer than 6 weeks for me.. its been about 2 years...
the feelings died down a bit for me after 6 months or so... but the was because i had cut him out of my life completely.. never checking up on him...

just gotta take him out of your life..

I eventually started talking to him again though.. he contacted me... anyway we are still on friendly terms.. and i don't get sick anymore thinkign about him with someone else... but i still feel the love I had felt for him

and btw guys are jerks.... I don't think i could even list the number of guys i've gone on dates with who just cut me out with no warning... they are fucked in the head.. thats the only answer I can come up with...

like for instance... i met up with this guy 3 weeks ago...
we ended up fucking... which is VERY out of the ordinary for me but I just felt really comfortable around him..
anyway.. i talked to him every ngith for a week.. via text message and phone calls.... then all of a sudden he stops returning my calls and text messages... and deleted me off msn... I have no idea why... but its his problem not mine....

 

[Philia]

Ah yes. The first serious crush I had on a [straight] guy lasted for about 2 years before he ended up irritating me. Never did tell him how I felt though I'm sure he was aware of it. I don't know if it was because I got involved with the ex that made my feelings for him dissolve but if it did, it's pretty sad to think that the only way to get over one person is to get under another. But seriously, 2 years before I could be around him without trying to get his attention or concern. Before I could be a friend.

I wonder if it'll take another 2 years before I can talk to the ex without any emotional attachments. I'm glad to hear that you're still friends with your ex and that the relationship didn't tarnish the friendship. The way I see it, we cultivate feelings for these people for a reason, and just because the relationship has ended, it doesn't invalidate whatever we felt for them then. I suppose it's ultimately up to me to initiate contact with him if I want to salvage the friendship because I'm the one who's uncomfortable. Yet I feel as if I should hold out and have him contact me first. At least then I know that he really wants to talk to me. I just hope that if/when it does happen I'll be in a good place.

And yes I have to agree. Guys are jerks (hello over-generalization). Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm attracted to an additional supplement of testosterone.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had quite a bit of experience with those type of males. It's unsettling to think that a majority are only looking for a quick fuck and nothing more. But one day... You and me puka, we'll get our chance. And we'll look back on these words and laugh.

One day.

 

[confusedboy23]

I can't believe that as I read this - it is nearly a year since that day he said "I'm going to give my ex another try". I was devastated, depressed, and shitty and like you, he was my first love! It wasn't easy on the road to recovery but I think I've learnt a lot. It has given the opportunity to soul search, to get my priorities right again. I've cried a lot and I know that every tear was worth it for I have no more to cry for him.

Do I hate him? No, maybe for a little while but no, not now. I've come to realize that there are things that are meant to be and likewise there are those that are not meant to be. Sadly, we're the latter. He's still with his ex and happy too. I haven't been in touch with him but I know that one day, I will be ready for that.

As you read this, I just hope that you will let time take its course of action. You will never forget him and you will never stop loving him for the rest of your life but you will become happier because of him!

And just a final note here, I would say that you shouldn't go changing yourself for another person. You have to be yourself and if the other person is really into you, they would take you for who you are. Please don't try too hard to suit someone else's life. A relatgiionship is about two people bringing what they both have to offer and putting it together!

 

[Xpione]

Yea, I had a similar relationship, but my love is someone who claim to be straight.

 

[Philia]

After I had gotten depressed I started thinking about things and I was infuriated. I felt used. Being capable of sexual intimacy was a big deal to me. With him, all my insecurities went out the window. I wasn't ashamed of myself and being able to engage in something sexual was sort of a testament to my new found sense of comfort. And it made me feel cheap because it was so easy for him to move on though the fact that he was able to move on so quickly implied that his mind and heart were elsewhere long before we called it quits.

Probably the hardest part of this whole ordeal was to accept the realization that we weren’t meant to be. I absolutely abhor the idea of being incapable of achieving something I desire so much. But after I got past that hurdle, it was just a matter of cleaning up the traces he left behind and saying goodbye to my past. But you’re right confusedboy. He will always be my first love.

I really want to say how appreciative I am for your feedback, and for the others who have offered their advice and consolation.

Oh, one more thing. I found out a couple days ago that he has been checking up on me. I guess it’s why I’ve been thinking about him a lot recently. I keep a journal online on the forum where he and I met. There’s a feature where you can check who has viewed your profile and I noticed that his screen name has been in the recently viewed list every day. I’m trying not to go back into the habit of trying to garner sympathy like I used to. Before I knew he was checking up on me, I would write these lengthy entries of the pain and anguish I was feeling in the hopes that maybe he would read them. Now that I know he is, my posts lately have been more on the positive side expressing the progress I’ve been making in moving on. I’m not explicitly addressing him anymore. I’d appreciate some advice on what to do here. Should I keep writing my thoughts that will in turn keep him updated with my life, or should I just close the whole thing all together and cut him off completely?

 

[kayman23]

After I had gotten depressed I started thinking about things and I was infuriated. I felt used. Being capable of sexual intimacy was a big deal to me. With him, all my insecurities went out the window. I wasn't ashamed of myself and being able to engage in something sexual was sort of a testament to my new found sense of comfort. And it made me feel cheap because it was so easy for him to move on though the fact that he was able to move on so quickly implied that his mind and heart were elsewhere long before we called it quits.

Probably the hardest part of this whole ordeal was to accept the realization that we weren’t meant to be. I absolutely abhor the idea of being incapable of achieving something I desire so much. But after I got past that hurdle, it was just a matter of cleaning up the traces he left behind and saying goodbye to my past. But you’re right confusedboy. He will always be my first love.

I really want to say how appreciative I am for your feedback, and for the others who have offered their advice and consolation.

Oh, one more thing. I found out a couple days ago that he has been checking up on me. I guess it’s why I’ve been thinking about him a lot recently. I keep a journal online on the forum where he and I met. There’s a feature where you can check who has viewed your profile and I noticed that his screen name has been in the recently viewed list every day. I’m trying not to go back into the habit of trying to garner sympathy like I used to. Before I knew he was checking up on me, I would write these lengthy entries of the pain and anguish I was feeling in the hopes that maybe he would read them. Now that I know he is, my posts lately have been more on the positive side expressing the progress I’ve been making in moving on. I’m not explicitly addressing him anymore. I’d appreciate some advice on what to do here. Should I keep writing my thoughts that will in turn keep him updated with my life, or should I just close the whole thing all together and cut him off completely?

You should continue to express your progress in the online journal when you feel it is needed. Otherwise, close this chapter of your life and move on.

 

[RicanDAB]

Everyone here who has said cut him out of your life is right on point.

Not directly related but kind of: I was friends with one of my ex's for a very long time (he broke up with me 7 years ago). Even though I claimed to have gotten over him after the breakup, a subsequent year apart and then a renewed friendship, in all honestly I really did not. He later started dating and is now living with a partner who basically maintains him in the type of financial lifestyle he has always wanted ("whatever" I say). He eventually started doing things with his partner that he and I never got to do (and were supposed to) like travel to certain destinations, buy a home, etc. But when we were together there was always some excuse to hinder the plans. In hindsight (which we all know is 20/20) I don't know why I allowed myself to suffer so much.

Earlier this year I decided that I was fed up with this pseudo-friendship and basically just disappeared on him. I cut all ties: blocked emails, ignored phone calls, deleted voicemails without listening to them. And ironically THAT is when I started living my life fully. I realized that subconsciously I was holdiing on to the idea that we might someday reunite. I cannot pinpoint the exact wake-up call I got about this, but I have been so much happier since I took that step.

Staying friends with or in contact with an ex only maintains the vestiges of what was and keeps you in a holding pattern. I've learned that I have to let go and it benefits my present relationship immensely because I can give my BF more of myself emotionally when I no longer have reserves for anyone else whatsoever.

The moral of my story is: This will pass once you learn to let him go for good.

 

[Philia]

Vulpine: I don’t think you chased him off. He was already gone to begin with by that point. I was afraid of losing him as an option and as a contact as well which is why I put up with so much bullshit in order to keep him in my life. Even when he was looking in to other guys, I was still there for him even though it hurt me. In the end, I felt like a battered wife or something saying to myself, oh he’s just having his fun, when it comes down to it, I know he’ll choose me. But the uncertainty of a future relationship between us wasn’t enough to satisfy my needs. I wanted to express my affection for him and have it reciprocated and it wasn’t. So there was really no point in sticking it out for a maybe or what if.

One thing I did learn was that online “relationships” aren’t relationships at all. You can’t really know a person until you’ve been around them physically. Behind a computer screen you can say whatever you want. And if all you have is online promises to hold on to, then you don’t really have much at all. I’m not trying to diminish the feelings that you, I, or anyone would feel in the situation. I’m just saying it’s not the same if you were together in person.

RicanDAB: Oh no, it’s definitely related. I have either solidified, am in the process of, or am deluding myself into believing he is no longer an option for me. I’m not actively pursuing him or have the intention of contacting him. Another thing I had to come to terms with was realizing that he wasn’t the be-all-end-all and there is love after heartache. Probably the reason why I put up with his bullshit was because I cared. When I stop caring, that’ll be the day when all of this will seem trivial and insignificant. With some time and possibly someone else, I’ll get to that point.

Part of the reason that makes me so sure that a romantic relationship won’t work is the distance. I’m not going to put myself in that position again. And despite the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any suitable men around my area around my age, at least the guys who have online profiles, I’m sure there’s a guy out there for me who’s close to home. Here’s hoping.

Damn you guys and your distance. I need hugs.