I can't take it anymore

[Mysterons]

I'm eighteen, I've been gay since I have memory. I still can't accept it. I feel like I'm scarred for life. Why me? I look at my brother who is twenty-three, so happy living with his girlfriend... I feel that I will never be able to enjoy love like that. I won't be able to express my love freely to man without receiving odd looks from others. My parents are kind of "liberal", but in the end, they are as prejudice as most people are. Of course, they are against racists and discrimination, but they always seem to take homosexuality as funny thing; if they see someone who is "effeminate" they will laugh. Or simply because they see two men holding hands. In other words, they are the kind of people that say "'Brokeback Mountain' is a great film" but would not bear having a gay son.

I hate hypocrisy. You don't need to be in a neo-nazi sect to be homophobic. It bits when I see people laughing at gays and stuff. Do they have the slightest idea of how much someone is suffering because of that?

The same happens with my friends. I don't have many friends, actually. Just five girls from school -something that has been concerning my parents lately, 'why don't you get on with the guys?'-. I don't even enjoy being with them anymore. I've become like "another girl" in the group, and I hate it. Anyway, they assume I'm straight and from time to time ask me who I fancy and things of that kind (although I reckon that, quite subconsciously, they might doubt about my sexuality). Like my parents, they are quite "liberal", but the idea of someone close to them being gay seems unthinkable of. Fortunately, my manners are not "effeminate", so no one in my class calls me "fag" or anything, they just think I'm kind of a nerd. I would like to have male friends also (not fuck-buddies, male friends), but it's very difficult for me, since I don't like sports and I'm terrible at them. I don't get bad with the guys in my class, but throughout high school I haven't been able to build up a friendship with them.

I know what you will say, 'you're in the denial stage, everyone goes through that.' And I really admire those of you who can accept their sexuality and live without giving a damn to what others say. But I can't. I'm too shy. I feel that I will never be able to get over it. Even if I pluck up the courage to tell my parents (who will obviously feel disappointed). Then I'll have to tell my brother. Then my cousins, my aunt, my friends (if there's still any), everyone I meet.

Many times I have thought of going to a shrink, but then I find it useless. My parents are psychologists, so I can't help thinking that if I go to one, it will be like talking to someone like them, as prejudice and hypocrit.

A couple of years ago, I used to dream about finding my soulmate. Now I more down to Earth. I know that I won't be able to to have a love relationship until I come out. But I don't when that will happen, if ever. I just don't want to waste my whole life.

I hope I haven't bored you with this post , you must have heard this hundreds of times. I have no one to turn to and I just needed to let it all out for once. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read me.

PS: Sorry for the mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.

 

[lonelyheart500]

Hi Mysterons,

I came out to my parents 2 years ago. My father's side of the family is very old fashioned and would never accept it. Culturally, for my father, it was unacceptable. So, of course my dad did not accept or beleive me. He told me to try being with a woman and vice versa.. My mother understood me and now she finally accepts who I am. My father still does not.

You have to do what makes you feel good and happy in life. If you don't feel that it's the right time to comeout to your parents, speak to someone else about it (like a close friend or cousin that you can trust). The first person I told was my best friend and she accepted me. Then once you tell one person, you'll slowly be able to expand your circle and speak openly about it with more people (like your parents eventually). But before you speak to your parents, you have to be comfortable about it.

I myself never had that many male friends and am not very effeminate either. I also suck at sports, but I do work out to keep in shape. Remember that you're not alone. There are so many other people out there that have lived what you are going through now and have found a happy ending, or are searching for one.

You can lead a happy life if you're gay. It may be more difficult, but everything in life is a challenge. Forget what other people think, you have to live your life and be happy with who you are. I'm currently in a relationship, I'm 24 and there are lots of rough times and obstacles to overcome. You don't ever have to tell anyone that you're gay if you don't want to. Of course, its much easier if you can find someone to confide in and so they can help you a lot. I rememeber, when I told my best friend I was gay. It helped me a lot cause I could lie to my parents (who I hadn't come out to yet) and tell them I was at her place, or out with her and friends. Eventually, you'll find the courage and strength to tell more people and you'll see that it isn't so bad. Actually, my boyfriend is 37 and he has never even told his parents or anyone else in his family.

I hope this helps a bit. And even if it didn't help you much, at leats know that I was in a very similar situation 2 years ago and I'm slowly but surely making progress. Good luck and I wish you all the best

 

[Kyanimal]

Hi, Mysterons, and WELCOME to JUB!

In short ... I think You might be underestimating your parents. I know I underestimated mine in major ways, and for a VERY Long Time! I didn't come out until I was in my early 30's!! DO NOT wait that long!

It wasn't that I hated being Gay, it was the social pressure to be "normal"! It was the "having to Hide" that I truly hated! I'm still "uneasy" about it to this day. But, now that I'm not hiding so much, I'm SO Much Happier! Of course, I'm not exactly out there flaunting it, either!

My advice would be to sit one, or both, of your parents down, and say something like, "What would you say if I told you that I'm gay? And, I could really use some advice from you." Talk to them!

You don't have to tell everyone, or anyone, else! Your brother, extended family, and friends, don't Need to know! But, You won't exactly have to be hiding anymore, either! You'll be free to tell whoever you wish, and know that your parents won't be "shocked" by anything they might hear from other sources.

In order to be Happy, You have to be Free to Be Yourself! Do not let the guessed at expectations of others guide your life! And once someone else finds out that Your gay ... You'll likely be surprised just how much it doesn't matter!

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[RedRedKroovy]

Hey I have a bud and I'm the only one that knows he's gay and he's almost thirty and he's still not wild about the idea

If you don't want to come out don't until you are ready

Your parents or brother don't have to know for you to be happy

I will tell you from my prespective there are a few people on JUB that think they are like some fucking gay Yoda...so don't take all the advise you hear on this thing to heart...some of it is really bad

I don't think you can change the gay thing you just have to figure it out for yourself

and you will

Good Luck Kiddo

 

[EvilForce]

Hey I have a bud and I'm the only one that knows he's gay and he's almost thirty and he's still not wild about the idea

If you don't want to come out don't until you are ready

Your parents or brother don't have to know for you to be happy

I will tell you from my prespective there are a few people on JUB that think they are like some fucking gay Yoda...so don't take all the advise you hear on this thing to heart...some of it is really bad

Says the guy that has "straight" in his profile, yet posting at a gay site. LOL

Now back to the original poster... your life is in your own hands. The only person that has control over if you "waste your whole life" or not, is you. Giving up on love and becoming so bitter at 18 isn't a recipe for happiness you know?

Stop giving a shit what anyone else thinks about you. What a waste of energy. No matter if you were straight or not, you won't be able to make some people happy, and in fact many of those people would still talk shit behind your back, so why care at all? IT'S YOUR LIFE! Not theirs. Not your parents. Not your siblings. YOUR LIFE!

Also so much of what you see on the outside of people's behavior and so-called happiness is b.s. So many people go around putting on an air of happiness, and normalacy, yet are screwed up puppies. Just be you dude.

 

[KaraBulut]

I know what you will say, 'you're in the denial stage, everyone goes through that.' And I really admire those of you who can accept their sexuality and live without giving a damn to what others say. But I can't. I'm too shy. I feel that I will never be able to get over it. Even if I pluck up the courage to tell my parents (who will obviously feel disappointed). Then I'll have to tell my brother. Then my cousins, my aunt, my friends (if there's still any), everyone I meet.

This isn't denial. It's anger. And it's all part of the process.

Denial is when you are still trying to pretend that your feelings are not what they are. Anger is when you are mad- at others or yourself- but you can not deny what and who you are.

How you live your life is your choice. The problem you have at the moment is that you have already decided what everyone else will think and feel. You're projecting your feelings about yourself onto them. You've not given anyone the opportunity to accept or reject you, so you're in a holding pattern.

I hope I haven't bored you with this post , you must have heard this hundreds of times. I have no one to turn to and I just needed to let it all out for once. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read me.

It's not boring. It's pretty common to see posts like yours.

You haven't asked for advice, so I won't give any. We're happy to listen if you need someone to talk to. And when you're ready for advice, we'll be happy to give that, too.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

You don't say where you're from, so I can't truly comment on what life is like where you are. But here in the States, not all guys are into sports. Sure, many are, but not all. In fact, I'M the strange one in my group of friends, because I'm the ONLY one who DOES like sports. The rest of them like other things - video games, movies, volunteer work, gardening, working out. So, here at least, not liking sports isn't an obstacle to making friends.

What DO you like? Are there clubs or groups that you can join based on those interests? Those are some good ways to get to know people.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Mysterons and welcome to JUB from me too. I'm glad you're here.

With the exception of parents being psychologists, I could have written your post almost word-for-word when I was 18. I felt exactly as you do now. Part of the process of getting past the angst, anger, and negative feelings about this is to continue to live life and continue toward the path of feeling comfortable with yourself.

Know, too, that you are more than your sexuality. You seem to be making that the center of who you are and what life is about. It's only part of it, but you are also a man with talents, obviously some smarts, and your whole life and career ahead of you. Yes, you are gay and yes, you will hopefully find and fall in love with a good man. But, that does not stitch a pink "G" on your forehead, nor does that make you a freak. You are more than your sexual orientation.

Don't shy away from visiting with a psychologist or therapist a few times about this to lay your feelings out on the table. They are not like your parents, because they would not have that type of relationship with you. And, yes, while biases and prejudices occur in the therapeutic community (you are, afterall, dealing with humans), there are countless others who don't have that. The key is to find one who has experience, or specializes, in coming out issues. They're pretty easy to find via referrals from gay organizations, ads, what have you. Having the chance to sit down with a guiding professional and explore all your feelings, fears, and sense-of-self could do you a lot of good in helping you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Good luck to you and, welcome again!

 

[KnightRider]

I'll add that you sound a lot like me as well some years ago. In terms of the parents especially, about the "liberal" thing. Since they put on this facade about being liberal, they assume you would have told them you were gay. So they don't think you are, and don't give it another thought. If their acceptance is important, you should see yourself as fortunate they are otherwise liberal and as psychologists in 2008, it's highly doubtful they see homosexuality as some real problem. You also have an older brother who is clearly straight, so trust me, you don't have as much of a burden as an only child would. If being open to them is something important, just tell them. But do it on your own time. I waited until I was living on my own and had found my first boyfriend I wanted to spend holidays with. My parents ended up being disappointed I had never told them earlier because they would have wanted to be there for me. Think about that. Bottom line--don't put so much pressure on yourself so young. Once you move beyond your parents' roof, the whole world opens up, and you forge your own path free from the baggage of high school. It's not something to easily relate to, but you know it when it happens. There are plenty of people here who can realistically tell you to have faith, and this site is only a small piece of the pie.