I Can't Take Much More (Relationship, HELP!!)

[breatheH20]

[DISCLAIMER: Please, I know it's a long post, but I would great appreciate it, for the sake of my own well-being, if you read it and left me a comment. Thank you.]


... I felt like I really didn't have any other place to go, so I decided to seek some help here.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to 4 months and all I can really sum it up to is that it has been interesting. Don't get me wrong, I've had some of the happiest times ever with him; he's introduced me to so many things (wine tasting, cheeses, etc.)..

But, it seems like that's what everybody sees and nobody sees what I have to deal with, what I toss and turn about at night.

He drinks. He drinks a lot. He probably on average drinks about 8 beers a day. He mentioned once that he had been traumatized as a child by a family member. That's about as in-depth as he's ever gotten with me.

To summarize, I have no idea why he treats me the way he does. I don't know what happened to him before I met him. I feel like he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)..

If you're not acquainted with the "disease", a person with it tends to be characterized as so:
-an inflated sense of importance and a deep need for admiration
-believe themselves to be "THE SHIT" when in reality they consider themselves worthless and have extremely low self-esteem
-exaggerating their achievements
-expecting constant praise
-failing to recognize other people's (especially their partner's) feelings
-being easily hurt or rejected

You get the idea. Basically, my bf is who they're describing up here. Mixed in with being an only child, excessive drinking, and childhood trauma, you've got quite a bit to work with here...

I'm at wit's end. I feel like I'm becoming a robot, a shell, just a service; just a pick me up for him. I mean it really surprises me sometimes how his logic works.

Sometimes I simply have difficulties in the bedroom, esp. when I bottom since it's sometimes hard to me to maintain an erection. I'm kinda self-conscious about it too. So, I ask my bf last night if he wanted to top me (mind you it took a lot for me to ask)... he says "you won't get hard, so you won't cum... what's the point"..

And it's comments like these that I hear day in and day out, whether it's about little stuff or important things. I've never expressed my feelings to him. The last time I tried to help and "maintain balance" he got physical with me and started choking me in front of all of his friends.

The sad part is that I do care about him, and I want to help him with his problem. But it's costing my sanity to do so. That part that makes me feel bad is that everything is everyone else's fault according to him, meaning he wouldn't have gotten physical with me that day if I did what he said. He always passes the buck. He's never done anything wrong. He will argue you down until you give in and kiss his ass..

I don't feel like myself anymore; I feel like I just carry out functions. I have to smile extra so he doesn't get pissed (and things similar to that)...

I just don't know what to do. He's made me really happy at times, but usually he hurts me with his words. I don't know what to do; everytime we've had a disagreement i've gone to my apartment and he'll send me suicidal text messages the whole night, and I just couldn't have something like that on my conscience. I'm certain that if I tell him everything I've told you now, he'd do something to harm himself, and I would rather be in pain than see anyone get hurt because of my actions...

Even if I did my best and tried to help him, if he ultimately did something to himself, I'd blame myself. That's the thing, most of the time he manages to convince me he's right and I'm wrong.. and it just hurts... it really does......

His parents and friends are looking to me to save him too.... so how can I possibly leave? I have a reoccurring dream of where everyone burns me for letting him die because I left him... It plagues my mind all the time, and I'm just down to my last rope....

I could really use some good words of advice. Because I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[momp57]

"he got physical with me and started choking me in front of all of his friends. "

You've got to go! There are no excuses for this! You've got 4 measly months invested. Let it go. If you can't do it cold turkey, go to a counselor and tell them what you've told us. This is abuse and a relationship this short with this kind of unhappiness does not have much promise. GET OUT!

 

[breatheH20]

I also want to interject that your not maintaining an erection while getting fucked isn't unusual.

Believe me I'm well aware of the fact, and my ex-bf understood it as well. It's just another part of his twisted logic that he holds to be true. He sees the physical aspect of sexual arousal as the truth, rather than the emotional part. I wanted to do it, to please him, because I'm always the top. But, he just threw it back in my face...

It just honestly seems like there's no pleasing him, ever. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I couldn't sleep this morning, so I was rolling around in bed playing with my cell phone. In a matter of minutes he got pissed because I was still in bed. Said "there's no point in being awake and staying in bed'.. True.. So I just came downstairs as not to disturb him...

I'm just preparing myself for when he wakes up and burns me for leaving him in bed alone. So my choices were either stay in bed awake with him and piss him off, or go downstairs and piss him off by leaving..... these scenarios pop up a lot...

And thanks to any and everyone who has helped me. I've had the worst summer of my life, topped off with dealing with this drama.

I got back from Germany in May from visiting my sick grandma and Delta lost my luggage, stuff i've had since I was in high school. All my clothes and belongings.. gone.. and Delta isn't going to help me until the end of August. I've been wearing the same clothes for weeks.. On top of that, someone made a fradulent withdrawal from my bank account last week and sent me in -$100. This being the day before rent, and my apartment complex told me "It's not our fault you can't pay your rent", which was great seeing as how I've lived there for 2 years and never had a late payment...

But it wasn't all those things that got me completely down... the best part was when I went to my bf's house and he sat down and said

"At least you've got me"... with the biggest grin on his face... tooting his own horn....

And all I could do was nod...

 

[rickm28inil]

But it wasn't all those things that got me completely down... the best part was when I went to my bf's house and he sat down and said

"At least you've got me"... with the biggest grin on his face... tooting his own horn....

And all I could do was nod...

Wow, kiddo, that would do it for me. I don't know how or why you would put up with this. I wish you luck and strength to do the right thing.

 

[thewiz]

First, I would make it +2 that when someone resorts to physical violence, the relationship is over. I have never touched a partner (even when I was married and hopelessly frustrated because I knew I was gay). I also will not tolerate abuse. He is controlling and you are allowing control. He will seek more and more control from my experiences as a police officer and in working with domestic violence programs over the past 15 years.

For someone to lash out like that -- in front of friends (aka witnesses) tells me that he is not in control of his emotions and there is a lot of other junk inside him just waiting to come out. You don't want to be around when it does....

You also have to understand (as does his family) that you can't "fix" him. You are looking for a relationship -- not a repair shop. I've only dated one guy even similar to what you describe (and it was never violent) but when I was around him I felt like there was a giant sucking machine going on (and not the sexually arousing kind). When he left after a date, I was totally exhausted.

Yes, I liked him a great deal and tried to help him get his finances and other matters under control (setting up a budget and even putting it on his computer so he could track his income and expense). But after two weeks of dating, I told him I did not want to see him. Other friends told him the same thing as well because he was a user that was simply interested in himself; fixing was not going to happen. Yes, he threatened suicide, went on a drug/drinking binge, and ultimately ended up in an institution after he crashed his car into a tree. There, they provided intensive treatment and found that he had a chemical deficiency that was corrected with drugs as well as counseling.

I have seen him but will keep it only as a friend. When he is on his medication, he is a normal, fun guy. I am not prepared to deal with the other side and he has a habit of skipping meds or relapsing. He recently had one of those relapses and lost his job of 1 1/2 years. He called all his friends because he needed money and said he couldn't find any other jobs....ultimately an old boyfriend took him into his house and is now regretting that decision.

As to the erection problem, stress is a huge issue. People under stress very often cannot get an erection. Also, when I bottom I don't always stay hard -- it depends on the position and whether it is hitting the right spot.

 

[breatheH20]

I totally understand with all of you. I just always want to play it safe. If my boyfriend wrecked into a tree (which I'm surprised he hasn't yet since he constantly drinks and drives) after I left him, then I would blame myself entirely.

Sadly, it's in my nature and has been ingrained in me to "sympathize with my attacker".. dealing with Stockholm Syndrome to the extreme....

My dad was almost exactly like him, now that I think about it. To me, it comes naturally to put my feelings, wants, needs on the shelf to help someone, even at my expense...

I'm a Libra, so I'm a glutton for punishment...

But anyway, I just couldn't have that on my heart. Although logic would tell me nothing I did or would do would cause him to get into an accident or something of that sort, it doesn't mean my heart wouldn't believe that to be true...

All you guys are making sense of course, but I think I'm in too deep for logic to hold any strength against emotion right now.

 

[G-Lexington]

As I see it, you've got two options. Drag his ass to couples therapy, or DTMFA.

It is not your fucking job to "save" him. His parents and friends sound like they're happy he's somebody else's problem now. He apparently doesn't want a boyfriend so much as a person to fuck around with, in all senses of the term. You don't have to be that person.

Tell him you've decided the relationship isn't going well, and he can either go to couples therapy with you, or you're just gonna call it a day. And tell him you're not going to put up with his manipulative suicidal crap anymore. If he's really suicidal, you'll go with him to the therapist so he can get beyond that.

You're better than this, H2O.

Lex

 

[thewiz]

I would suggest that you seek counseling. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's actions anymore than I am.

You mention your father...I am sure that has had a great deal of influence on not only this situation but who you are. You have to break the cycle that somehow you have to fix these serious issues or it is a failure on your part. You also do not need to be a glutton for punishment.

There are a number of counselors that can help you through this and I would suggest getting started soon. You cannot run on emotions because ultimately they are going to be exhausted (it sounds as if they are already).

 

[RicanDAB]

You've received a lot of good advice here and there is no need for me to offer another longer post reiterating the same.

You clearly need help, and I am not saying that in a negative way. You need to start feeling less responsible for his actions. You've convinced yourself that it is natural for you to feel this way; get help to realize differently.

I reiterate other people's advice to cut off contact with him. Look out for yourself first and don't get dragged down along with him.

 

[Georgiadude]

02,

First let me say I'm sorry that you are in this mess. My heart goes out to you.

You need to run like a scared rabbit. Not walk, run. He playing you like a cheap violin. He knows what buttons to push and when to push them. You have only been with him a few months and he has you twisted to the point you are blaming yourself for his shit. Think how bad it is going to get the longer this goes on. YOU HAVE GOT TO LEAVE.

It sounds like he is an addict (as am I). Addicts are masters of manipulation. We know what we need to do to get what we want. He wants you to cut yourself off from everyone and everything until you are totally devoted to him. Soon you wont be able to speak with certain people, you will have to dress a certain way, you will have to start asking for permission to buy something or go some place and it will go on and on. I'd be willing to bet some of this has already started to happen? He already showed he can be violent and that was in front of other people. His next outburst behind closed doors is going to be worse. Don't wait around for that to happen.

You need to get over the issue of blaming yourself for his decisions. If he drinks and drives that is his choice. If you see him doing it, call the police before he kills someone. I'm a paramedic. I have seen too many innocent people killed by these assholes. Get him off the road. He pulls this "suicide" shit because he knows it works. It gets him the attention he wants. I'm sure after he says this to different people he starts getting calls, emails and text's telling him how much people love him and beg him not to do it. You are playing into his hand. He has you right where he wants you to be. IF and it's a BIG IF he would attempt suicide, that is his choice. You had nothing to do with it. He is an adult and is fully capable of making his own decisions. STOP BLAMING YOURSElf. If you weren't there he would be playing this game on someone else. I would be willing to bet you are not his first "victim".

Get out before it gets any worse. Once you are out stop all contact, don't answer his calls, ignore the text's, delete the emails without opening them. If he sends a gift, send it back. If you have to get a restraining order against him. He is going to keep playing you as long as you let him. Once you are out of this mess get into some counseling yourself. He has destroyed your self esteme and sense of self worth. You deserve better than this.

I wish you nothing but the best. Please get some help.

Steven.

 

[DidntMeanToTurnYouOn]

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I recently got out of a similar relationship with my ex who had displayed these manipulative and controlling behaviours (minus the violence fortunately). Don't try to fall into his guilt-tripping tricks. With those manipulative people, they will hardly change their behaviours, even long after the breakup.

I understand that you love him and are trying to help him as much as you can. You are probably trying to defend his actions as much as possible. Unfortunately, it is this type of behaviours that these guys crave for. It is not fair that you have to invest all of your time, money and energy into trying to resolve something when you know that the other party will continue to treat you like crap.

If you have time alone (not with him around), I recommend that you pick up this book by Dr. Dorothy McCoy. It's called "The Manipulative Man." I found this book very useful in helping me identify his issues as well as my flaws. As well, I found it a bit easier for me to move on after reading this book. Good luck!

 

[najfus]

You must leave him; there is no other option. Your well being is most important, you're young and deserve better.

 

[mojoe54]

WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!!

And like others have said,get a little therapy for yourself, to help you move on from this guy. You seem like a really nice guy, and there are many guys out there who will treat you better than that. Good luck!!
bb

 

[breatheH20]

Thank you everyone for your words. I've definitely taken it all in and started thinking very deeply about it.

I can say that some of those things a previous poster mentioned have happened. He's starting to dress me, pretty much hogs me all to himself and can't stand it when I go out with a friend.

I didn't think I could end up in a relationship like this. I pretty much have cut off contact with most of my friends, and I never get any time alone. He's always around, and yeah, he pretty much has his way with me and everyone else he knows..

It's true, I'm an empath, and I definitely have a habit of hurting myself in the process of trying to be good to another.

I honestly thought I was done with therapy. I had a 8-week session earlier this year just to clear up some issues I had, but I felt relieved and decided I solved the majority of my problems. Then I met him, and I can honestly say I've thought about going back.

Because of this, I really don't want to date someone again. My ex was a hermit and withdrew from me, not visiting, not helping me when I was down. So I left him, ran into this guy, and treats me like this.

I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I think I give the person I'm dating everything they could ask for from a bf. I'm attentive, loving, all those qualities people look for. I'm a good guy, and try not to let my own experiences and traumas interfere with the health of my relationships.

But these two guys have shown me that it's pretty much hopeless to find a guy who can remotely keep it together. And if there are guys out there like that, I'm just not interested anymore.

I'm gonna try and get into some therapy sessions again after this is over, it'll be a while because money is short. After that, I'm done... I'd rather be alone.

 

[G-Lexington]

Dude, you're twenty. I'm sorry your first two were losers, but there are hundreds of guys here who will tell you that there are excellent gay guys out there with whom you can forge a relationship. That said, I'd agree that now almost certainly is not the time. You've had an ignorer and a succubus. Take some time off. Get yoruself back to a better place, until you can kick ass again. At that point, you'll be ready.

But first things first.

Lex

 

[thewiz]

Totally take time for yourself after getting out of this relationship. You need time to heal. You have been wounded twice and now need to put yourself first. You are important; you are special and you need to be at a point where you feel that in your heart and convey it to others. I think it also helps discourage people who prey on those that they think they can control.

There's no rush; you are young and have many years ahead.

 

[DidntMeanToTurnYouOn]

There is no need to be pessimistic because you know that you have a lot to offer, in terms of being caring, understanding, empathetic, etc. You deserve someone better. Don't feel the need that you have to change 180 degrees just to please a guy. Only change for your own good but not for a guy.

I find that talking about what you have been through really helps since you are getting all of the negativity out of your system. It is a much better method compared to bottling all of your feelings inside.

Meet up with your friends and acquaintances whom you have cut off contact with and let them know that you appreciate their concerns, and that you are taking the necessary steps to get back to your normal routines. You want them to be around you during times like these.

Be proud of the fact that you have given 100% effort into loving a certain person. You have done your best already, what more can you ask for?

 

[KaraBulut]

Even if I did my best and tried to help him, if he ultimately did something to himself, I'd blame myself. That's the thing, most of the time he manages to convince me he's right and I'm wrong.. and it just hurts... it really does......

Don't over-estimate your importance. He's already killing himself with self-destructive behaviors even though you're still around. He's going to continue his downward spiral whether you're there or not.

The sad part is that I do care about him, and I want to help him with his problem. But it's costing my sanity to do so. ...His parents and friends are looking to me to save him too.... so how can I possibly leave? I have a reoccurring dream of where everyone burns me for letting him die because I left him... It plagues my mind all the time, and I'm just down to my last rope....

You're his lover, not his savior.

He has a choice to make- booze or you.

You have a choice to make- him or your self-respect and safety.

These should not be difficult choices. If they are difficult, well- there's your answer.

 

[UC3543]

I will make this very short and sweet. You are in an abusive relationship. Get Out while you still can

 

[tonyboy]

I will make this very short and sweet. You are in an abusive relationship. Get Out while you still can

UC3543 has it exactly right man...
Get out.
You will find another b/f... please though don't find one like that guy.
I've no doubt that you will find all sorts of excuses for his behavior and think that you can change him..... you cannot change him.