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I can't take this anymore! :(

C

catee222

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So if you've seen my previous thread on this board, as you know, I had come out to my straight crush, but never mentioned I have feelings for him. Ya, he told me he's straight, but I still find that hard to believe because he RARELY talks about good-looking women and has never been "intimate" with one, which includes kissing (unless he's lying); he's 23. It's nice to have a friend who accepts me for who I am, but on the other hand, he's still being himself around me-- acting flirty whether it's online, on the phone, or in person, and it's making me sick. Like other guys here who have had crushes on their straight(?) friends, I get depressed when I'm not talking to him, feel happy when I am, then feel depressed again when we stop talking. Don't even get me started with how I feel whenever he's talking to a girl.

I know what a lot of you are going to say- distance myself from him and find a guy who may for sure like me back, but I don't want him to wonder why I've been distant and then have to lie constantly about it. I feel that telling him the truth will make me feel much better, even though I'm most likely not going to like the outcome. I think I will have to tell him that we may need some time apart in order for me to accept that our relationship cannot be beyond platonic and I'm hoping he will understand. :(

By the way in case you're wondering, he's the only one I'm out to.
 
catee222 said:
I know what a lot of you are going to say- distance myself from him and find a guy who may for sure like me back, but I don't want him to wonder why I've been distant and then have to lie constantly about it. I feel that telling him the truth will make me feel much better, even though I'm most likely not going to like the outcome. I think I will have to tell him that we may need some time apart in order for me to accept that our relationship cannot be beyond platonic and I'm hoping he will understand. :(
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That sounds very reasonable to me.

Just keep your expectations in check, as it sounds like you are.

He may come around, he may not. Your honesty may be what he needs to admit to himself he's gay. Or it may drive him further in denial. That's his choice to make.

Being honest with him is a good thing in this case. ..|
 
Maybe you should come out to other friends as well. If he is the only person you are out to this may be why you feel so close. You should explain how you feel and if he really is a good friend he should understand and will let you know if he has any feelings for you. If not then you really need to find someone else, there's no point thinking about him when he isn't thinking about you too.
 
This is not doing you any good. I don't think you need to tell him unless you really want to. What you need are other life distractions.
 
catee222 said:
I know what a lot of you are going to say- distance myself from him and find a guy who may for sure like me back, but I don't want him to wonder why I've been distant and then have to lie constantly about it.
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That was CLOSE to what I was going to say, but not exactly. Obviously you're not going to distance yourself from him, so don't.

But you should TRY to meet other gay men. Then you'll loosen your mental hold on your friend.

I posted this last time. Still do what you need to do with your friend (obsess with him, whatever, you're going to do that no matter what) but you have to try to give yourself and out. There is no other way. Cause cold turkey is not gonna work for you.

Well maybe there is another way, you can tell him and he can reject you, and then you'll have closure. For me, finding someone else via replacement therapy is a lot easier :)
 
Hey catee222,

Sometimes mate you just have to listen to your heart and your head and do whatever feels right for you to get a resolution to this.

Whats doing your head in is the unknown... its the possibility that there could be something more thats making you hang on to this guy and its not going to let you open up to others until you sort it out.

Walking away sounds easy, but its not. And not for one second am I suggesting telling him the truth will be. But its clear to me, that you, in your heart, know theres only one way to resolve this.

And until you talk to him, until you tell him, you'll be miserable and stuck in this groove forever.

Just be ready for the worst. You know its a distinct possibility that he'll be shocked, although he doesnt really sound like a friend that will shun you for it. But things will change, at least for a while theres no question.

But you have to do it - your post shows me you'll obsess until you get a resolution - and right now your life is going past you in a cloud of what ifs and maybes. You deserve better than that, you deserve someone who will reciprocate your love.

If its this guy - if your wish comes true and he wants something more with you then great. And if its not, if it means a little hurt and disappointment to free you, to release your heart then so be it.

Its not something that applies to everyone but for you mate I think you'll be grateful for the rest of your life you had to the courage to ask either way.
 
Four days, and not a single "you need to get him drunk, and then give him a blowjob" post. Congratulations, JUB. ..|

Lex
 
Thanks guys! I'm still contemplating on what to do.

I recently discovered that he installed some dating application on Facebook and created a profile with legit information about him (including looking for women). It was on his news feed for a bit, then he deleted it (so he must still have a profile, but doesn't want anyone to know); he didn't mention anything to me about it so I don't know what his story is with that.

I'm starting to feel bad that I've been obsessing over him. He's a good guy and it seems that he needs to be more confident when talking to women; meanwhile, I've just been selfish :( and trying to hinder him from doing that so I could get with him (but haven't most of us here been down this road?).

I'll keep you guys updated if anything major happens.
 
The problem with "not obsessing" is that it leaves a void. That's why we're encouraging you to get out and meet other gay guys, and hang out with them. It gives you something else to focus on besides this guy, and will help put him in better context.

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
The problem with "not obsessing" is that it leaves a void. That's why we're encouraging you to get out and meet other gay guys, and hang out with them. It gives you something else to focus on besides this guy, and will help put him in better context.

Lex
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2nd the motion (obviously)

You're allowed to hang out with him, like him, do whatever you like. But please try to reach out to other gay guys even as friends. It will help you.

Your friend is even reaching out to strangers with that app you saw and yet you didn't think to do the same?

Don't you think it'd be fun to participate in life rather than just watching it?
 
OMG I just discovered something else. I typed in one of his common online usernames on Google and found that he's been seeking advice on a forum on how to keep the friendship going between him and his female crush. Apparently she's been ignoring him a lot for the past couple of months and he wants to find out what her deal is. On another thread that he posted before the summer, he was concerned that he would never find a girl because of his shyness. :(

On the bright side, discovering all this recent stuff has been helping me get over him more and more, but on the other hand, I still feel really guilty about the whole thing and I feel like I gotta help him find a girl. I think it's time he and I go bar hopping :-)
 
If you're typing his user names into google, and thinking "it's time he and I go bar hopping", I for one am not getting the feeling that you're "getting over him more and more"...

Lex
 
Maybe you need some reverse psychology.

I say you try to hang out with him more. Why are you just being a creeper from afar, stalking him on the net? Get out there and get him to go out with you. Call him and ask him to hang out.
 
spencer said:
Maybe you need some reverse psychology.

I say you try to hang out with him more. Why are you just being a creeper from afar, stalking him on the net? Get out there and get him to go out with you. Call him and ask him to hang out.
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He and I have been hanging out. Sorry, I don't know what you mean by this.
 
I confessed my crush to him three nights ago, and it was online. Even though it felt a lot better telling him, things turned out a bit awkward, but not as bad as I thought they would turn out. The worst thing he said was that he found it to be a bit disturbing, yet not surprising because it "puts him in the field so to speak being that I'm bi." I did let him know however that I know where he lies and that he shouldn't worry about me trying to make a move on him because I got closure and can move on quicker. I was afraid that the friendship was going to be completely ruined from there even though we seemed to end on a good note when we stopped talking online.

But then last night, I sent him an IM wishing him a merry christmas while he was away from his computer and he replied the same and started talking to me about his day (still using the smileys and a bunch of "lol's") as I also talked about my day. So it seemed like he got over it quicker than I thought, but for some reason I feel like it's too good to be true and I'm not too sure about that.

I'm kind of concerned with what's going to happen between us for the next few days/weeks, especially if we see each other in person again. I want to make sure things can get back to the way they were (hoping my feelings will go away even quicker now), even though it will take some time. And it seems like he's willing to do the same as well based on last night's online conversation, but can't tell for sure. Do you think I should bring it up to him to try to make sure things are clear between us and figure out where we stand as friends? Or should I simply try to rebuild the friendship slowly and not mention it again? Thanks!
 
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