I did it!

[JakeBequette]

IM OUT! But now I kind of regret coming out

OO Congratulations.

I remember almost everytime I came out to someone I felt like it was a mistake afterwords. That was the first few times. The feeling always went away. I guess the best thing I can tell you to do is act like nothing is different. You're still you, so act like it. Anyway, good job, you did a really hard thing

Oh, and welcome to jub Mr. Newbie ​

 

[mike_n_herrin]

wow way to go man!

...but how come you regret it?

 

[Steppenwolf]

Congratulations from me as well. Did you just come out today? I came out to my family about four weeks ago now. It was on a Sunday morning, and for the rest of that day and especiall the next day, I felt like all I wanted to do was crawl back into the closet and forget the past few days ever happened. I know though that I had done the right thing. By Tuesday I was fine. Give it a few days.

I hope you have close friends you can talk to. I found out that while family members may be supportive, they generally don't want to hear the details. And we're always here if you just want to get things off your chest. Hang in there, it gets easier.

 

[luminum]

There aren't enough details for me to know for sure, but it seems like you're regretting it because you're experiencing that tough transition period. You may be getting into arguments with your folks, you may be arguing with friends, shunned by friends, etc.

When I came out, it was terrible. I argued with my parents for days and days and even now, whenever it gets brought up, we become vicious towards one another where we're normally so happy together. But here's the thing:

I never regreted coming out because I rememberd how excruciating and nerve wracking it was to always have this secret on the edge of my tongue and in the back of my mind. I remember how paranoid I used to be that 'someone would find me out' and how much energy I had to invest in keeping it a secret. I also remember how much I had to lie and act to fake enthusiasm for 'guy' stuff like hot girls.

Whenever I think of that, I know that no matter how bad things are, I'll never have to go through that shit where I nearly drove myself insane for 16 years.

And the bright thing is that once you've already come out, you know that things are either going to stay this bad and you can move on or things are only going to get better since people can either stay as sucky as they are about it or they eventually lose the enthusiasm for being sucky about it. It'll either stay bad (which allows you to work around it) or it'll just get better.

So take heart. You've made the best step possible and things may seem bad now, but at least for me, living the lie was even worse and nothing can make me go back in the closet and I hope that nothing will make you go back in either.

::hug::

 

[Kulindahr]

The regrets will probably go... and return... and go... and return... and eventually just vanish completely.

I lost most of my 'friends' when I came out, and a huge chunk of my family. I have regrets a LOT! But at the same time, I look at it this way: I may be emptier, but I am more complete. A piece of me I didn't want to acknowledge, that I didn't want to let anyone know, is now out there and in its proper place, another piece of me in the whole, part of the pattern. I have almost no friends now, but the ones I do have fit just right with the real me -- so the loneliness makes me emptier, but the wholeness makes me complete.
If you have to choose, I think it's better to be complete!

 

[Soilwork]

yeah, I was a bit worried when I realized that once the genie was out of the bottle, you couldn't get him back in.

but in the end, it's worth it.

you know that, right?

 

[dkonfrost]

hang in there bud. i know it's a monumental change, and can be a monumental pain in the ass too because it seems like it opened a new can of worms.

but like most of the folks have said, it's worth it that you dont have to hide this sh*t anymore. i just came out to my family a few weeks ago, my brother doesn't care that i'm gay, however my mom is adamant that i'll change and obviously not ok with it.

i was talking about this to my friend tonight, and basically, sometimes i get moments that i wish i didnt come out to them....but i do feel a stronger sense of confidence, just from standing up and saying, "This is who i am. And i'm proud of it."

it's still fresh for you, but it'll get better. Your friends will help a bunch too

 

[luminum]

You know full well that you can't and if none of your friends cared, then what's the problem? At least tell us why you feel this way.

 

[Runewell]

Why??? Please explain.

 

[Steppenwolf]

Sorry, once you've opened that closet door, there is no way to go back in and forget it all happened. Give it some time. You'll find it's the best thing you've done in the long run. We're here for you if you need us.

 

[Riverrick]

Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to for support? I understand what you are talking about but try to remember why you came out in the first place. This is all going to settle down. Just take it a day at a time.

 

[Steppenwolf]

Yes I understand all too well why you want back in, because I've been there. When I first went to college and shared an appartment with three great straight guys. I considered all of them close friends and did have a secret crush on one of them. I wasn't even out back then, but when they started to suspect, they moved out within two weeks, brought in 3 replacement renters without my consent, and wouldn't give me the time of day from then on. I went back so deep into the closet for almost 20 years that my closest friends were surprised recently when I came out. Trust me, the price you pay for denying who you are is just not worth it. You will lose so-called friends now, but over time you'll make more friends that will like you for who you are. As everybody has said, give it time.

 

[Kulindahr]

My friends did not care. But once my entire university found out, I just want back in, I want to be treated normaly again. And on top of everything else the guy I liked found out that I liked him and now he wont talk to me Now do you understand why I want back in?

I understand completely! Let me use an illustration:

When I started my university days at Oregon State, I slowly got to know people and make friends. I joined some clubs, hooked into various activities, and felt fairly content in my place. Things were kool and smooth.

Then the word got out: I was bipolar.
Suddenly people treated me differently -- some stopped talking to me, others got nervous around me, some didn't want to live with me (I was in a house with 47 other guys), some wouldn't stop asking questions. Almost nothing was the same; even workout partners got edgy!

But I adjusted. Some friends learned to adjust, some learned enough to be support for me, others faded from my life. Old doors closed, a few new ones opened.
And through it I found out that it was okay to be bipolar, that it wasn't a horrid mark of shame; it was something about I had to adjust my thinking for, something I could live with, even something I could make use of.

Obviously there was no going back, no matter how much I wanted it so no one knew, no matter how much I wished it wasn't so: the word was out, and that was that.

You're in the time right after the word got out. It's time to see who draws closer, because they understand the hard time, who draws closer because they like the more open you... who fades away because it freaks them, who runs because they think you're some sort of monster... who shrugs, like, "So what?" Old doors may close; new ones may open.
In a way, being gay is like having a disability, because it changes how society looks at you. I adjusted to living with a real disability, and the way people reacted to it -- you can adjust to this!

Be strong, dude.

 

[Kulindahr]

Tanks, its_just_me -- your post made my evening!