I Died Yesterday

[BATORBOY69]

This is in reference to my one and only post, please read it for the back story. Love at first site is REAL-I never really believed in it until I met a man who made me feel what love is, and he really didn't do anything, except be in the same place as I happened to arrive; checking on a mutual friend. I realized that this man, does not and will never end up being the hopeful wish I raved about before. Our connections, the shear number of them are overwhelming; doesn't mean anything to him. He considers me a little looney, because I see them and the signs. I talked with him and told him what the signs and the connections are, to try to show him that the universe put us together and it wasn't just coincidence.

He believes in the Horoscope, but he doesn't believe there is a spiritual power in the universe that brings two strangers together because of some cosmic energy/plan. I on the other hand believe it exists, because at 53 I never felt what love is/was, REAL LOVE. Of course I have the common love we all have for family and friends; but the kinda love that comes from the heart when you meet that one person that literally takes your breath away and stirs emotions within you that you've NEVER, EVER felt.

This man brought them out of me; I thought I was crazy or just having like a midlife crisis. Or was just extremely horny, because I hadn't been laid in a long while, cause the idea of love at first site without knowing a person, I thought was just pure craziness. But, over the course of the past 3 months of hanging out, talking, being there for each other, especially when we have a bad day, getting to know each other, having some really hot spontaneous sexcapades (because we can't have normal at home in bed sex) we live so far from each other and work like crazy, that we have to basically track each other and like, hey we are close to each other, lets find a place and make noise, AND GOD SEX WITH HIM IS LIKE OHHHHHHHH. (I shiver even now reminiscing) or just having someone to text hi/wyd/hyd that will text back a hi and a smiley face, I send the smiley face; because it tells you they are thinking of you. Has only caused the feelings of love to amplify and become stronger; but not for both of us.......

I am the one in the clouds, wrapped in delusions of grandeur of a future that I could share with another person, the person that spawned a fire within me that I hoped would turn into a diamond, (I live in Coal county, so coal, fire and pressure caused me to think of a diamond and it fits my feelings).

He is a person that has been deeply and horribly abused in his past, (as I talked about in my first post). And because of that he doesn't want to take a chance that his history will repeat itself and go through the pain again. I have gotten on my knees and tried to convince and assure him, Im not like them, I told him I would do everything in my power to NEVER EVER hurt him, I would be the lover and protector he deserves, I would suffocate so he could breathe, I would starve so he could eat, I would freeze to death so he would not. And he tells me, the people in the past said the same things.

SO THIS GOES OUT TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABUSED AND HURT ANOTHER PERSON WHO WAS ONCE IN THEIR LIFE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE MADE IT SO HARD TO LOVE ANOTHER THAT IN MY HEART I KNOW I CAN MAKE HAPPY AND WHOLE.

F U C K Y O U

My heart aches so much so, that it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, my bones hurt my breath is staggered; (no! im not having a heat attack), I'm dizzy, weak and motionless, tears want to stream down my face at every moment, and every song, spills out over empty space, the words that describe me and my feelings before and after. Doesn't matter if its METAL, HARDROCK, R&B, SOFT LISTENING, they ALL remind me of him; It has caused my daily routines to be chaotic and hard to complete .

I'm listening to GEORGE MICHAEL'S song, COWBOYS AND ANGELS; he is both. He is the ONE that has it all, everything. I won't go into more details, as I did in the first post. But, this pain, this level of pain is also something I have NEVER felt. I have lost very close friends to death and this pain, its no where close to that. I have never, ever hurt like this, It is so hard to deal with this pain, I move, I cry. I brush my teeth, an image of him pops in my head, and then I cry. Managing, is hard; wish I could just stop crying.

I have surgery at the end of the month, they've told me it should only take 3 hours; I was oh, only 3 hours, lol. I don't want to wake up, I want to move on, "SHUFFLE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL", to the next life, as I feel it would NOT be the end. But, a beautiful beginning. from this cold, heartless, fake, world. Life is actually not worth living, if you dont have someone to share it with. And my baby, was it; without him, I don't want to live. NOONE else will ever compare.

As gay men, we are always checking out men that pass us by or who we meet; my job gives me the ability to have hundreds of interactions; and as a self proclaimed SEXAHOLIC, who refuses to see it as a problem. I see and feel that NOONE will ever even come close, I noticed this at MONTH 2. I didn't look at men the same way as before. None of them caught my eye with the kinda oooh aww, wow that we do. He changed something in me, that I cant change back.

 

[Yowie212]

It hurts now, baby... But it will get better. My first love was bisexual and left me for a woman. My ex-boyfriend told me "our life was meaningless together" I disappeared into the shadows of my life for 2 years. But now I'm in a relationship with a new man and have been together for 6 years now.

And I'm a spiritual person that believes two people find each other for a reason you are going through this pain now because someone better is out there.

 

[BATORBOY69]

It hurts now, baby... But it will get better. My first love was bisexual and left me for a woman. My ex-boyfriend told me "our life was meaningless together" I disappeared into the shadows of my life for 2 years. But now I'm in a relationship with a new man and have been together for 6 years now.

And I'm a spiritual person that believes two people find each other for a reason you are going through this pain now because someone better is out there.

Thank you for your kindness ;congratulations on 6 years.

 

[BATORBOY69]

Thank you for your kindness ;congratulations on 6 years.

The one connection we have is we are both hiv+, which is major because of the discrimination still to this day. No body wants a person who has this disease and with us both having it, I was hoping we could work out the insecurities he has, but its useless. Sure, there is someone out there for everybody, but not people who are hiv+. I give up, Im done trying. If the feelings ever come around again, they will just be ignored as all they do is bring pain and makes me question even more the whole point of even being here.

 

[Yowie212]

The one connection we have is we are both hiv+, which is major because of the discrimination still to this day. No body wants a person who has this disease and with us both having it, I was hoping we could work out the insecurities he has, but its useless. Sure, there is someone out there for everybody, but not people who are hiv+. I give up, Im done trying. If the feelings ever come around again, they will just be ignored as all they do is bring pain and makes me question even more the whole point of even being here.

Never give up hope you'll meet someone that thinks like you. Your "rejection" is doing all of your thinking right now. It will get better soon, baby

 

[BATORBOY69]

Dealt with this, this morning. I have a close friend have an episode this morning. He gets no rest and is severely stressed, and smokes meth, and injects. He told me to come over, NOW! it was 230am, 70 miles away. We hadn't seen each other for about a month and in text messages we shared that we miss each other and look forward energetically to when we can get together. I race to get to his house it was 345am. I get there he's busy with something and after, I walk into his room and hes laying on the bed sideways towards the entrance Im standing in and I say HEY buddy, and he says HEY; what ya doing here, (Im confused-as he had the door open for me to walk into the apartment). And I say its so good to see you, and I sit on the bed and say, Get, up; I want to give you a great big bear hug. It's just so damn good to finally see you in person. He replies, oh Im so comfortable, I don't want to move; he's playing a game on his phone, so I lay on the bed in front of him and give him a sideways hug; he smiles and is happy. We talk some, and I feel like the way im laying, might be uncomfortable so I raise up, take my shoes off, and sit on the edge of the bed. Hes nodding off and I say hey are you ok, and he opens his eyes and my hand is on his shoulder and he's like I don't need to play this anymore. And Im caressing his head about to slowly rest my hand on his shoulder, so glad to see my wonderful beautiful friend and he's like what are you doing, jumps up to his elbow and says you know those fuckers triggered me earlier and I don't like this, I told him I thought we were closer to each other than that and he said some other things and again I replied, Im sorry, I just thought we had grown closer. I meant no harm and WW3 ARRIVED. He told me when we met, he has PTSD and has triggers; I told him to let me know if I do something out of line as I don't want to cause anything to happen. I was so excited to see him and on the text messages, he made me feel the same way, and I was under the belief, we had grown close enough that the touch boundaries were expanded and ok. Boy, I have never experienced such rage from a person, everything I have read from the touch blog before this blog and things on here came out, some word for word. He stood next to me, as I was sitting indian style at the end of the bed against the rail. I had tightened up and was so scared, never been so scared so fast and a feeling of being tinier than an ant, swept over me. I was frozen, as he was walking through the house yelling and screaming, so much. I was in shock, as I have fallen in love with him. He grabbed the refrigerator and shook it, knocked things off counters stomping around. By this time his roommate was in the room sitting behind me. He went to the bathroom and was just ranting and raving. I couldn't move, I let him go on, he turned manic looking for his lighter to smoke. He yelled at me to help find his lighter and as I was moving, he said I KNOW WHERE IT IS! He calmed down a little bit and I walked into the side TV room to smoke a cigarette and process what just happened. I felt like I should have ran out the door, but I couldn't, as I pledged to be by his side no matter what as friends. We all talked, he was in charge, and would not allow any interaction as people do in normal conversation and when I looked as I wasn't paying attention he yelled for me to look at him when he was talking. I was on the outside of the bedrail, head down listening to him, exactly in front of him. This went on for about an hour. Eventually he said thank you for dealing with me, but no apology; he NEVER APOLOGIZES, and I don't mention it. He just wants to be friends, I want more but am patient. But, GOD HELP ME. He's 41 and Im 53, but i was made to feel like I was a nobody, small, defenseless 2 year old. Im 6'1 and he's 5'9. And here it is 4 hours after and Im still at his place, sitting in a haze, I feel like Im outside myself. Ive never felt so berated, outside of bootcamp. I had flashbacks of the company commanders, yelling at me; as he was. He's out running errands, using my car. I couldn't go, and Im so trying to figure out how to get him off the drugs, because and we talked about this, they are making things worse, but he says they are the only thing that makes the memories, go away. Tears in my eyes, and I feel like im dying inside. And I don't know what to so........

 

[BATORBOY69]

The one thing that pisses me off, is everything I say or do, to try to show him and convince him; I'm not an asshole like all the people who's used and abused him in his past. I'm one that will worship him, care for him, protect him, be his anchor in the storm, he tells me he's heard it all before and he can't trust anybody. He was also SA'd at an OMG early childhood, by his family that was supposed to nurture and grow the young mind of his, but instead they royally fucked him up and according to him, EVERYONE he has trusted, before me even a current ex roommate; raked him bloodily across the coals. I was SA'd at a young age also, but he says I was old enough to get help, I was 11 and trusted the person that did it, and felt what was happening was ok, the person turned himself in over his guilty conscious. I have lived with this and did feel I could help him, but now; I just don't know

 

[BATORBOY69]

Im trying desperately to mend the relationship, am I on a destructive path, to self annihilation. I am crushed and scared but at the same time waiting on him to get back to talk. I feel kinda lost and floating without a life preserver.....Wish me luck

 

[BATORBOY69]

It finally ended at 2304. I am mentally a wreck, all day the PTSD, was just in my face. Several times I stood there I just took it, looking at him; taking all the insults and cut downs, letting him vent and dealing with " You don't stop that dead ass stare at me, Im going to punch you" , Im not, Im listening to you; im fucking tired ( he said all I have is excuses)and it got to a point where I said "FUCKING DO, AND GET IT OVER WITH". He didn't expect that, as he yelled at me to back the fuck up, and I stood there nose to nose. I'm like, let him know where you stand and don't back down. Take it; ALL FUCKIN DAY. Things calm down, he goes out and about, listening to music on my ear buds and; BOOM, in starts the shit again. By now, ive been up 32 hours, I cant put a coherent sentence together or walk a straight line, he talks and I half hear and he thinks Im ignorant and ignoring him, Saying " yeah, you really care about me, asking to repeat all the time, if you would LISTEN, fuck you, Im not repeating" Love, makes you do CRAZY things and even though Ive went through the "GAY VERSION OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" He has to run out and do somethings and asked me if I wanted to have fun when he gets back; I said if im asleep do what you want to wake me up. He said, ARE YOU FUCKIN SURE. and I said, kust dont kill me, he said no Im not letting you take tue pussy way out.

 

[BATORBOY69]

He just got out of the shower, he likes to sing in it. The first time I heard him, I thought what a happy man; and he a good singer. If I don't post anymore, well its self explanatory........

 

[BATORBOY69]

well it's been a few days and we really had blow ups we both said fuck you never talk to us again all that but we both just stopped going at each other and gave it a few days and we finally met today and I fucking started crying again as soon as I saw him and he realized he was wrong we both apologized and also I started talking to Jesus and I told him that he should talk to Jesus also it's hard to believe in something you can't see but when you don't have anyone to talk to Jesus is always there so I'm putting my faith in Jesus to show me the path forward with him and in life and I told God I'm not going to change what I'm doing I'm still going to have sex with me and I love men I'm still going to do recreational drugs but I respect you and I will praise you now I don't know if what I said was blasphemous but it was honest and truth and God knows the future of all of us and being HIV positive for almost 30 years I'm only alive because of God Jesus and he's kept me alive for a reason maybe when I'm dealing with right now is the reason I don't know but has gay man we always have doubts hang ups blah blah blah we all know what we have when you think you don't have anyone to talk to or you're alone in this world always ask for jesus's hand and it will be extended to you I'm not a bible-beater I'm just relaying that my heart really hurt my heart was broken and talking to Jesus helped it still hurts I still have doubt but I have faith that Jesus will help me through it tomorrow I have surgery on a hernia I have prayed in the past that I would not wake up from it because of everything I've gone through but I think I'll be fine I don't think God's done with me yet he'll take me home when he's ready but I don't think it's anytime soon and plus I want to build a future with my baby it will be hard but nothing good ever is easy whoever reads this please take care hope you find comfort in these words of some sort I enjoy posting on here I'm not doing it for I don't know fame or conceitedness just a tool to help me talk out my problems maybe help someone else out love makes you do crazy things and I'm hooked this man that I'm so in love with I can't knock it off I can't stop it I can't turn off the faucet I told him that the only way for me to get him out of my system is for me to die and I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon and after talking to him today I sense that he's there's something within him that he cares about I'm going to post a link to a song that describes last week to fucking tea God I heard the song and I had to send it to him I'm like dude listen to the words listen to the fucking words this is us last week so don't you listen to the words you won't maybe connect maybe you won't it's a great song even if you don't connect to it.

https://pandora.app.link/YJdIQwjEdNb

 

[BATORBOY69]

well it's been a few days and we really had blow ups we both said fuck you never talk to us again all that but we both just stopped going at each other and gave it a few days and we finally met today and I fucking started crying again as soon as I saw him and he realized he was wrong we both apologized and also I started talking to Jesus and I told him that he should talk to Jesus also it's hard to believe in something you can't see but when you don't have anyone to talk to Jesus is always there so I'm putting my faith in Jesus to show me the path forward with him and in life and I told God I'm not going to change what I'm doing I'm still going to have sex with me and I love men I'm still going to do recreational drugs but I respect you and I will praise you now I don't know if what I said was blasphemous but it was honest and truth and God knows the future of all of us and being HIV positive for almost 30 years I'm only alive because of God Jesus and he's kept me alive for a reason maybe when I'm dealing with right now is the reason I don't know but has gay man we always have doubts hang ups blah blah blah we all know what we have when you think you don't have anyone to talk to or you're alone in this world always ask for jesus's hand and it will be extended to you I'm not a bible-beater I'm just relaying that my heart really hurt my heart was broken and talking to Jesus helped it still hurts I still have doubt but I have faith that Jesus will help me through it tomorrow I have surgery on a hernia I have prayed in the past that I would not wake up from it because of everything I've gone through but I think I'll be fine I don't think God's done with me yet he'll take me home when he's ready but I don't think it's anytime soon and plus I want to build a future with my baby it will be hard but nothing good ever is easy whoever reads this please take care hope you find comfort in these words of some sort I enjoy posting on here I'm not doing it for I don't know fame or conceitedness just a tool to help me talk out my problems maybe help someone else out love makes you do crazy things and I'm hooked this man that I'm so in love with I can't knock it off I can't stop it I can't turn off the faucet I told him that the only way for me to get him out of my system is for me to die and I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon and after talking to him today I sense that he's there's something within him that he cares about I'm going to post a link to a song that describes last week to fucking tea God I heard the song and I had to send it to him I'm like dude listen to the words listen to the fucking words this is us last week so don't you listen to the words you won't maybe connect maybe you won't it's a great song even if you don't connect to it.

https://pandora.app.link/YJdIQwjEdNb

the name of the song is never say never by cole swindell & Lainey wilson the link for some reason text you to my Pandora page it doesn't take you to exactly to the song which is very aggravating so click on the link it takes you to the song cool if it just takes you to my list of songs then just click on the name of the song and listen to it it's a powerful song and awesome oh my God it's so awesome and it entirely word for word fits the situation that me and my baby is in right now he's not my baby right now he's just my friend I want him to be my baby I want him to be my baby boy my big baby boy just talking about him brings tears to my eyes I don't understand that he's that wonderful I hope you all find someone this wonderful and like I said it's going to be hard but nothing good is easy

 

[BATORBOY69]

the name of the song is never say never by cole swindell & Lainey wilson the link for some reason text you to my Pandora page it doesn't take you to exactly to the song which is very aggravating so click on the link it takes you to the song cool if it just takes you to my list of songs then just click on the name of the song and listen to it it's a powerful song and awesome oh my God it's so awesome and it entirely word for word fits the situation that me and my baby is in right now he's not my baby right now he's just my friend I want him to be my baby I want him to be my baby boy my big baby boy just talking about him brings tears to my eyes I don't understand that he's that wonderful I hope you all find someone this wonderful and like I said it's going to be hard but nothing good is easy

these are the lyrics I tried to copy and paste but it wouldn't let me so I have to do screenshots and then post them so here they are

 

[BATORBOY69]

https://pandora.app.link/gX8CmmrFdNb

this is a song called keep on walking by Jem it's a song I use for motivation at helps me keep my head up helps me stay focused on what I need to stay focused on it's a great song too listen to it look it up listen to it

 

[BATORBOY69]

https://pandora.app.link/Nigjw04FdNb

Another song that describes my love for the one I have blogged about.

 

[BATORBOY69]

https://pandora.app.link/fMvXh8mGdNb

God what a wonderful song

 

[BATORBOY69]

Well, yesterday it finally came to an end My friend told me that our relationship will go no farther than it has. He blames his PTSD, I think his feelings of guilt from being dishonest and using me for money has finally surfaced and doesn't really have the balls to tell the truth, so he's using his "PTSD". He's using his past and the PTSD from it as a crutch. I feel he doesn't have the courage to tell the truth about anything in life and when situations gets to intense for him to handle or he just doesn't want to be in the situation, he uses "PTSD". He uses illegal drugs to "basically" deal with it, he told me (GOD HOW STUPID AM I FALLING FOR A JUNKIE DRUG DEALER-I WAS ALSO TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT LIFE, BUT HIS DEATH IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL DO THAT AND THAT IS A FUCKING WASTE) and they have made him delusional. He's to the point of injection through the neck and thats basically the last step before death, as he has no more accessible veins as a normal person has. Also denying his gay self, saying he's not gay, he's bisexual. But, when he is zonked out of his mind on METH with a dusting of FENTANYL, (so it will sell more-this is how its made now, post covid, as he told me) by choice so he can quench the gay desires, HE TOLD ME, IS THE ONLY WAY HE CAN BE GAY; is after he shoots up. Well I don't know a bisexual, that can suck dick, like he is trying to get a golfball though a garden hose and a bottom that would put any pornstar to shame. Now, he's the one that comes to me, begging to fullfill his desires; calling me on the phone to drop whatever Im doing and come to him; but whenever I do that, Im told no Im disgusting and crazy. Im like Im a gay man and I have wants and desire too asshole. And yesterday he said I should have told him NO, when he would beg, I'm like this motherfucker doesn't have the balls to be accountable for anything in his pathetic life. I have some of the videos saved where he is requesting I come to him so he can be a "DADDY'S BOY". But after, he doesn't talk about the gay stuff as he finds its disgusting and something to be forgotten about. I talk about the experience, to reminisce and make it better the next time. He gets intensely pissed off when I would do that. From my experience in life, people always finds an excuse not to do something, instead of working at the issue to bring it to fruition. If he really cared about me, he would have made an effort to become informed more about his PTSD and ways to control it, as I was trying to do, that he claims I was trying to force him to change; just by telling him I love him and care for him and want to be with him to the end of my life. Also, by referencing past texts messages and conversations we had, because he forgot what we talked about and sometimes I would forget too, I would save them. He would get very mad I saved them for reference. Also, He always says no one loves or cares for him and he is not worth anything. I would tell him that it's not his fault he feels this way, the bad people, losers he associated with in the past caused him to feel this way, and that is one of the reasons I want to be around in his life, to show him that a better life, can be had. One other thing, he always blames others for EVERY bad instance in his life, he takes no accountability for ANY of his own actions, (another reason I had to end it as he was making a fool out of me) I tried my best to be a little bright light at the end of his tunnel, to bring hope to the situation. It was a complete waste of valuable time and I will never do it for another person. My focus is only on the ONE IN THE MIRROR, because THAT PERSON IS ALL THAT MATTERS. The last thing I said, was go see a doctor and get medication and get off the fucking drugs and sent him screenshots of medical processes that his doctor can prescribe to control his PTSD. If he does, he does; he doesn't, oh well; im not around to.pick up the.pieces or try to be a motivational beacon for him anymore. What a waste of 4 months and thousands of dollars. Never again will I waste ither on another human being, life is too short to deal with shit. I am only focused on myself and the continuation of my future. I always felt this way from being severely burned by people when i was younger, but I met this person and changed that mindset. WHAT A MISTAKE THAT WAS. NEVER AGAIN. From this day forward; I VOW TO DIE, ALONE AND SINGLE. The alternative is not worth it and a waste of time.