I dont even know anymore

[bertha93]

Im probably going to catch a lot of flack for this but I truly dont know where else to go to just spill it. Im currently in my 3rd year of college in Texas and Im still a virgin. I would say I dont know why I still am but that would just be me reassuring myself. My problem is that Im indecisive with who I am; I really dont know. By all ways and means Im straight, except for the minor detail that Im at times attracted to men.

Now here's the kicker... I dont want to be.

Growing up me and my friend would mess around and do just about anything under wraps. But when we got into junior high, he went with one crowd while I went with the other but remained friends. He became big man on campus and I was the one that was friends with a lot of people, but still got bullied for being fat and asthmatic. Needless to say junior high is a repressed memory. But since 6th grade I think, I havent done a single thing with another guy; I also didnt do anything with a girl until last year. I was/am never the admired one and usually the one that admires. I get caught in the friend zone mainly because of my history of telling girls that I like them, only to be met with ultimate let-downs. I have been hurt by girls emotionally and may be the reason why it's hard for me to genuinely love them when my whole life I have been hurt. For whatever reason, I see girls as awesome dating material and just want to have sex with guys. I think a large part of it was while growing up I was the fat kid and desired the body of those that werent. Really sucks now knowin I cant have a body like that since it's just not my build; but, I have lost 35 pounds in 3 years (woohoo!). This 'logic' I feel is the only reason why Im attracted to guys simply because my whole life Ive desired/admired what they had and I didnt. Whereas my problem with girls is that Ive been consistenly hurt and shot down to point of thinkin maybe it's not meant to be.

I dont really date much. Ive only had 2 girlfriends really only did stuff with one. Here, recently I feel pressured to start finding a girl because my siblings jsut got married and everyone keeps askin "where's your girl?" This usually leads to me being more resistant to dating just cuz it frustrate me how people just expect me to be this womanizer. There was this one girl though, when I first started going out with this girl last year things were great. Drunk me apparently is a smooth talker and we hit it off pretty quick. We messed around and did everything except sex (which is mainly my fault). Sometimes when we were messing around my head would be elsewhere and I couldnt really get into it but I managed. I dumped her for being too clingy and shouldve waited until we went all the way so I could have a better understanding of what I am. However, when I was with her, it didnt feel right. Not the attraction (she was definitely hot) but moreso myself doing it with her. A sort of identity crisis set in and resulted in me dumping her the worst way possible (and me thinkin I may have just been scared how fast we were moving and rather than fixin it, I just axed it).

Nowadays, my mindest is one of "if it happens it happens," an external locus of control per se. Im constantly thinking about who I am and which path to take and get frustrated and stressed when I realize it's not that simple. At this point I feel maybe just having sex (finally) would help me realize which one Im attracted to. But, I feel that I could just be bi since I admire both genders. I constantly argue with myself that Im straight, but then there's the other side of me that feels like it isnt.

I guess what Im gettin at is I just want to be happy. Happy with who I am, happy with who Im with, happy that I dont have to feel lost.

 

[Rand]

Ok, please continue to work on your body so that you are more confident. Please make friends and get to know people and don't worry or fret about the sex thing. I think if you go slow and do learn about yourself first while you are be social, you will reduce the chances of having to live with a mistake, either way.

No offense, but it sounds like you need a few years to mature and become comfortable and knowledgeable of who you are and what you want.

Good luck - enjoy yourself whether hetro or gay.

Rand

 

[curiousguyUNT]

I am in the same boat. I grew up and am still in Texas. I was (and still am) the fat kid who was horribly teased in middle school and also greatly desired the bodies of the hot guys around me. I agree that that desire was probably the start of my interest in guys. I have always been the friend when it comes to women. I had one tell me to my face that I was everything that she wanted in a guy, but because I was her best friend, we could not date. After being rejected again and again by women I had a guy come on to me. He made me feel wanted and desired and I went with it. We did everything but anal and I loved it.

I understand about the pressure to "have a girl" too. All of my cousins and friends are married, engaged or in relationships. My younger sister is engaged too. I would advise forgetting the expectations and pressures of friends and family because that can cause you to do things you don't really want to do. Do what and who you want on your own time, don't rush it. The feeling that if I just fuck and get it over with it will make everything better, might work for you, but it didn't for me. I almost went that route but stopped when I realized that while I had no problem getting off, fucking just to do it just felt empty and wasn't what I wanted. That's when I realized that I didn't need a relationship to fool around, but anything more and I need something real. I don't know how it is or might be for you, but really ask yourself how it makes you feel and then listen. Having said that, don't be afraid to let yourself go and just enjoy the moment either.

Enjoying both genders can be scary, confusing, annoying, and really exciting. Just know that you don't have to choose or decide anything. Just be you and do what feels right. I hope what I said helps, or at the very least lets you know that you are far from alone. If you have any questions or would just like to chat don't be afraid to send me a message.

 

[inimegblue]

Wow you sound a lot like me about ten years ago! Unburden yourself. Some people are born (so it seems) with a clear sense of who they are and what they want..others are not. It's ok to open yourself up to different experiences and take YOUR time on the path to self definition. The only way to get out of your head is to...well...get out of your head. Stop worrying about labels and other confining things and focus more on experiencing the things you think about. It's the only way you will find the answers you're looking for.

Good luck man.

 

[Seasoned]

Your immediate goal ought to be to continue working on your self-esteem. Until you accept yourself you'll have a difficult time relating to people. You may have a vision of what you would like to do and who you would like to be but it's important that you like yourself even before those goals are met.

If this is far beyond what you're able to do on your own you might want to start with some self-help books and perhaps some individual or group therapy.

Good luck to you.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ok, you got the nice people before me, so I don't have to repeat what they said.

Instead I'll say that your story smells to me of denial.

No, we do not want to have sex with guys because we grew up admiring their bodies or because girls hurt us. We want to have sex with guys because we are sexually attracted to guys.

No, we do not think girls are awesome dating material. We just repress our real desires in favor of what heteronormative society expects of us.


Whatever is in you will burst out sooner or later, regardless of what you want and how you try to justify it to yourself. If you want guys, then you want guys. Do not look for excuses, justification or "logic" (I notice you put " marks around it too), but instead face the music for what it sings - you are either bisexual, or homosexual.

On that note - I never saw any indication in your post that you are, or have ever been sexually attracted to girls. Are/have you?


Believe me when I say that I have absolutely NO agenda here. You are who you are, and it's of no consequence to me. I don't need you to be gay or even bi. But you ARE one of those two, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can find your center and happiness.

 

[chrisw87]

I think everyone here raises good points, and I would just like to say, love yourself and enjoy being you.

For my story, I was the fat weird kid at school, never really accepted and never really at home there.

I am now 24 and have finally accepted my body and myself after many years of hard work. Getting a bit fitter and exploring my true desires.

I've had 2 fantastic relationships and its great but I've stopped lusting over sex with women, and like many I started out hating myself for dreaming over men.

Exploration is key, but a word of warning, love and lust come with the side effects of hurt. But don't fear, you will learn its what makes us human.

I have to mirror many others and say working on your own self esteem is paramount, though let your heart take you where you want to go, sex and love. I lost my virginity at 18/19 and consider myself the ideal age frame.

Later in life than this is no problem, sex at a young age in my opinion is dangerous work, especially if you do not have the mind-frame to evaluate it and react to it with experience that you have gathered through life.

If you ever need to chat just remember there is many people from a like minded background as yourself on JUB.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ok, you got the nice people before me, so I don't have to repeat what they said.

Instead I'll say that your story smells to me of denial.

No, we do not want to have sex with guys because we grew up admiring their bodies or because girls hurt us. We want to have sex with guys because we are sexually attracted to guys.

No, we do not think girls are awesome dating material. We just repress our real desires in favor of what heteronormative society expects of us.


Whatever is in you will burst out sooner or later, regardless of what you want and how you try to justify it to yourself. If you want guys, then you want guys. Do not look for excuses, justification or "logic" (I notice you put " marks around it too), but instead face the music for what it sings - you are either bisexual, or homosexual.

On that note - I never saw any indication in your post that you are, or have ever been sexually attracted to girls. Are/have you?


Believe me when I say that I have absolutely NO agenda here. You are who you are, and it's of no consequence to me. I don't need you to be gay or even bi. But you ARE one of those two, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can find your center and happiness.

Second - and you might consider that possibly what is hampering your self esteem is that on some level you know, and you think you're wrong for your natural inclinations.

It was like that for me - and I became a raging asshole because I knew I was gay, and I hated myself for it, then tried to take that out on the world.

So how do you become comfortable with yourself? There is no easy answer. It takes time, and work, but you start by trying to acknowledge to yourself that there is nothing wrong with being whoever you are. Gay, straight, bi - they are ALL normal, you just keep telling yourself that until you believe it.