I don't know why I'm being so jealous

[JFarm89]

Well first I wanted to just get this heavy thought off my chest. I've been dating this older woman for about 2 weeks, so not very long at all. I felt the same feelings as the last girl that I dated. I became jealous with the fact that we were talking about past relationships and that she had sex, with her best friend a while ago. Her best friend is in Ontario training in the military over there. But something so simple of just having sex, made me jealous. I feel as though I would like somebody to only be with me only and have no interest in anyone else, but only in me, I don't want to know past relationships from anybody it does ruin the mood. I do feel however more comfortable in being only friends and not commit anything serious at all with her. But she does want to have a serious relationship. She wants the relationship to go slow, meaning that I can't have sex with her because she believes that if you have sex too soon, your relationship will go poo.

I did tell her about my past relationship that the last time I had sex was 7 years ago. Yes it was that long. She couldn't believe that I didn't have sex for that long. She then encouraged me to get out there and get laid. Have a few one night stands with other girls. She told me sex is fun you should try it sometime.

I'm not the kind of guy who likes having sex with other girls that had sex with other men. I'm more of a guy who likes virgins, that would only have a interest in me. I dunno if there are any girls that are like that any more. A lot of them have been fucked already lol.

I almost rather be single again.

Maybe if I tried dating a guy the jealousy won't take a big hit on my ego as much?

 

[KaraBulut]

I've moved your post to the Relationships forum where I think it will get more responses.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, jealousies are usually about insecurities. Guys who get irrationally jealous are usually obsessed with the idea that their partners are going to cheat or walk because they don't measure up in some way.

Guys who are extremely confident usually aren't the jealous type either.

That said, anyone can get jealous if their partner is flirting, or otherwise inappropriately behaving with someone else.

But that doesn't seem to be your problem. You don't have a commitment, hell, you just started dating, and you're jealous of guys who aren't even in the picture.

That makes this about you, not her, so what is it that's so appealing about virgins, and what is so upsetting about people who have former relationships?

Do you have some sex negative issues? Are you afraid you are going to come off badly by comparison? Are you irrationally possessive?

That whole virgin thing kinda often comes down to some kind of sex negative misogynistic hangup. Why isn't it as big a priority for you to be a virgin?

If you can't stand the idea of having sex with someone who's been with other men, switching from girls to guys isn't a very good idea, plus you'll find less men who are tolerant of your issues than you will find among women, and hell, I'd even go so far as to say that not many of them are going to be that willing to deal with that either.

What is your hangup? I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just you have some kind of sex negative issue here, be that emotional or possibly cultural, I don't know, until you know what makes you react the way you do, nobody can help.

By the way, how old are you? How old is she?

 

[vidarr]

Just a suggestiong but perhaps you would get the same thrill from being with a bi guy who is a virgin to gay sex?

If it's not purely a fetish though.. Try looking for someone that has the same values in a relationship as you do. Talk with this girl, and tell her that you want to be with her but the jealousy is stopping you.

 

[JFarm89]

The jealousy can be so bad that it turns into a power struggle. Where she can't do this nor that. Nor hang around with any guys without me being there. So yeah I'm pretty possessive... I hate it when my friends tease me that they want to meet this girl that I'm dating, it pisses me off. But I can't show any emotion. I pretend to not care about it. All of my co workers are fairly attractive. So I tend to think about more negative things like, what if she wanted to have sex with my co workers and that she ended up liking it? Or my co workers bragging that they loved every minute of being with her in bed. Even in a joking sense that it would make me so angry. So that being said I'm fearing the unknown. I know, I do that a lot but fearing the unknown doesn't make sense.

I'm 23 and she's 23 but half a year older than me.

I do envy guys that know how to communicate to any woman that could get them into bed with him in minutes.


My brother mentioned to me that I should read books on dating. But I don't have a big interest in reading them. Reading isn't my forte.


I do find that I lived my life the best when I was single, during those 7 years when I'm occupied with favorite hobbies of doing drawing, exercising and swimming. My friend's were mentioning when are you gonna get a girl? When are you gonna date one? When will you get laid? My parents were dying for me to have one, and get married. My mom was starting to hook me up with some dates for me. They didn't work out to well for me. One was more interested in cooking than interested in me.

So when I was in the mood. I decided to sign up on Plenty of fish and checked it out. Talked to several got one interested. The thing was that it was harder than I thought. You end up talking about the same stuff as you have talked about to the other people that you talk to. Just talking a lot without any success would make me bored and lazy and not even bother searching for anymore. But managed to find one. Met her a few times already and now the feelings are starting to come out.

So maybe it's my destiny to be single... lol

 

[JFarm89]

Thanks Vidarr I'll wait and see how this will pan out by talking to her first.

 

[shainski]

You've got to get over this. No one...No one, man or woman would want to be with someone that controlling - that insecure.

You will have people running for the hills (I would be).

By your own standards - you would be unsuitable for you.

I think you need to talk to someone to figure out why you are feeling this way. Did someone burn you badly?

A secure person can trust others because they know they are worth it. They know the other person won't stray.

And your initial paragraph is ambiguous. You seem to treat sex like it is no big deal - and yet it is a total deal-breaker. How is that possible?

And she seems ambiguous herself. She wants to go slowly because it will ruin the relationship, but she encourages you to go out and have some one-night stands. That seems odd.

It doesn't sound like she is a good fit for you...but you do need to deal with your insecurity.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, you've got some problems.

First - don't take this the wrong way - immaturity. It's not adult behavior what you're doing. Then, insecurity, I'm not sure we can help you in here, and you need to understand, you're throwing up some pretty serious red flags.

You're unwilling to tolerate that she might have had an interest in someone else (in fact you obsess over it) - you're trying to control access to her, you expect to be the only guy in her life, even platonicaly, and you're telling her what she can and can't do. You're inventing scenarios where third parties cheat with her then taunt you with it, does that make any sense?

Being controlling and possessive in that manner usually leads to physical abuse, unless you find some way to deal with it.

She's not going to want to be controlled, and you're going to escalate to compensate, and before you know it, there you are.

You need to find a competent mental health professional and deal with that - before - you're in any position to get into something with anyone.

 

[slnattak]

Why do people think that gender means more than it does?

If you're convinced that another man will be so much better, then guess what- reality will probably show that to you. If you're so convinced that women are better and the heterosexual life is, you will find the evidence for it. Because like Joss Whedon said, all perceptions are true.

Anyways, I wouldn't worry so much about a serious relationship. I would instead just gravitate to what you enjoy and what makes you happy.... other people aren't worth it. Other people can only be wherever you yourself are anyway.

I do envy guys that know how to communicate to any woman that could get them into bed with him in minutes.

lol that's nothing to be proud of. It's easy to get other people to want to have sex with you, all you have to do is act masculine or an exaggerated version of your gender. We're all turned on by that, it's only human nature. But that's lust my dear, and it isn't love. And you cannot base a relationship off of lust. You cannot base any relationship solely on the merits of gender. It doesn't work for straights OR gays.

Nobody will really respect you in the end if you treat everybody like nothing more than a notch in your bisexual belt. That makes you the villain, not the hero. You say you want love but it seems like you still think of people as 'sexual conquests' and not people. Maybe you just want some hot wild and kinky sex, and you think you want 'love' but you really just want lust?

 

[slnattak]

There's a dude in my home town. He's very 'straight acting' (well he IS straight), and masculine. He's a hockey player. He's confident, masculine, charming, and everybody wanted him because he was 'hot.' They thought they loved him, but they really just lusted him. Stupid idiotic girls with low self-esteem. He wasn't what they wanted him to be, that really masculine dude that also had a big heart. He was just....sexy and masculine. But there was no way to idealize him as being a better person because of that.

It's so pathetic that gay boys especially do this with guys. That they have the hots for so many guys who treat them like shit lol. And they say on online messages (to empathetic gay men who will put up with their shit instead of kicking them in the ass like they need it) that they want 'love.' No you don't, bitch. You want SEX. Be a man and own up to it. When love comes to you, you mock it and you shrug it off. Because love isn't a gender. It's not your masculine gay porn fantasies.

This guy was a user. He always used people and left them behind. he slept with like 147 women in the area, and counting. You think that makes him a stud? You think that's somebody to admire? I think that makes him a sleazy dirtbag.

That crap might be okay as a fantasy but in reality it's nothing at all to be proud of. He should be ashamed of himself for being so narcissistic.

 

[TX-Beau]

Idolizing stereotypical hyper-masculinity, as well as misogyny are very common in guys with significant insecurity problems.

 

[Echoes]

I believe you should work on that issue.

 

[JFarm89]

Thank you guys for your feedback. I'll try to work this out somehow. I've dated 4 girls in my entire life so far. The first date turned into a relationship that I then broke up with her. The 2nd and 3rd turned out to be only a friendship (which I don't mind.) The 4th one which I'm on is turning out to be a warped relationship. But yeah I feel insecure with myself I need to accept that everybody needs sex. It's all natural. I can't be selfish. Everybody takes pleasure into doing something whether if it's a hobby or someone else.

Jealousy it's a nasty psychological barrier and I'm wanting to work around it by creating my own world in my mind of the kind of person that I want to be with. This eases the jealousy that I'm feeling that it's okay just as long as either of us doesn't get hurt or bothered by it.