I don't really know what to do…

[Headphone90]

Hey Guys!

I just decided to open this topic, because i really need some neutral opinion on my situation. Here's the thing.

I am gay. No doubt about that…

In total, I already told three friends about it. Doing this felt really good, but i only was able to do it because…well, those three people kind of fit in the same grid.

The first girl is this awesome girl i met in America when i spent a month in San Francisco. She grew to be one of my closest friends there and we still have contact.
But anyway, she doesnt know ANY of my friends here in Germany.

The second girl is living here in germany. We went to school together, but everyone else kind of ignored her. I hung out with her anyway because she's awesome.
But anyway, she almost never talks to ANY of my other friends here. And she promised not to tell anyone…

Last but not least, there's this gay guy from my school. He's kind of a queen (I'm into daddies, so there never was any attraction). But apparently his gaydar works pretty well, because he just bluntly asked me if i was gay. He kinda knew already i guess^^- He wouldn't tell anyone either, i know him.

So…well. I dont feel like im on my way to come out. Everytime i get my act together and tell someone, in the back of my head i know i'm on thick ice.

If you're about to ask: I cant tell my parents right about now. You gotta know, my mom is a doctor, so she's able to name every STD there is in the blink of an eye. If she knew i was gay, she'd be scared to death that i could get sick.
Even when i had my "pretend girlfriend" (I was 15), she was freaking out about our protection and aids and everything. She just cares about me, i get that. And because i dont want her to worry, i'm gonna present my being gay sided with my first long time boyfriend to show her. I guess that'll make her feel better. otherwise she'd imagine me screwing everything that moves i guess…shes not naive…

But…the thought i had more and more often lately:
Why shouldn't i stay in the closet?
Sure, some things would suck BIG time. I'd always have to hide and shit, but…exept for my parents - who needs to know?
Coming out in public would have huge downsides for me.

For once, i'd have to stop doing my Judo. I love this sport, and i'd go insane without it. Could you imagine any straight guy (he doesn't even have to be narrow minded) being comfortable hugging and fighting with a gay dude?
Of course, i expect everyone not to be homophobic, but i dont feel offended by people who just are not comfortable with gays. And i know some of the guys from my team. they are awesome and i love doing sports with them. again, im into daddies, so theres no sexual tension on my side. But they just wouldnt get that. they would feel weird, the training would suck, and i'd loose the thing i love the most in my life. sports.

Aswell, probably all my future plans regarding university would become a lot harder. a friend and i decided to share an apartment in hamburg. i would have to tell him, and he does judo with me. so the whole things ruined again…

do you get what i mean?
In my eyes, coming out just would make things worse
what should i do?

 

[Mysterons]

I used to roll my eyes when a straight male/female said the common cliché 'friendship between a man and a woman is impossible'. But then I understood there was some grain of truth in it when I realised how difficult it is to build up a friendship with a straight guy. Even those who aren't homophobic or bigoted feel uncomfortable around gays, because they dread the idea of being 'flirted' by another man.

Bottom line, don't come out to your judo mates if you think that might make you lose the confidence between you and them.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

It's your life, and your decision. Just do what you feel comfortable doing.

 

[Horschallen]

You are coming along just fine. Just try not to overanalyze the situations and go with the flow. Nice blue eyes in your avatar.

 

[Headphone90]

You are coming along just fine. Just try not to overanalyze the situations and go with the flow. Nice blue eyes in your avatar.

Well, thats Parker Williams, not me… damn!

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I think you must have a pretty low opinion of your friends, your mother, and the guys you do judo with if you think they can't handle the truth about your sexuality.

This is 2009 dude -- gay people are everywhere. Nobody is that surprised or shocked by it anymore.

There are openly gay athletes in every sport. The Gay Games in Chicago in 2006 had 200 participants in the martial arts.

There's even a taekwando club for gays in Cologne:

http://www.kampfkunsttaekwondo.de/

(I'm sure there are more, but that's what I found in a quick Google search.)

As for the advantages and disadvantages of coming out, I can only speak for myself. I was pretty thoroughly in the closet for many years and it didn't work. By which I mean, I didn't fool anybody. I can see that now in retrospect when I remember some of the remarks people made during that time. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble, anxiety, and subterfuge if I had just come out when I was your age.

The biggest advantage of coming out as far as I'm concerned is that it's a lot easier to get laid. People will approach you who would stay away if they thought you were straight. I've had all kinds of amazing guys (including daddies) since I came out, who never would have wasted time on me otherwise.

As for your mother -- well, sometimes people find it more comfortable not to tell their parents right away. But if you wait until you already have a "longterm boyfriend" -- don't you think she will have already figured it out?

"Oh, are going out with Hans again this weekend? My, you two certainly get along well, don't you?"

 

[Headphone90]

Volcom and SonofSlobone, thank you for this answers!

I really appreciate that you read my long post. I read yours, and, well…

Volcom:
I get the part about my future-roommate. I kinda dug around in the theme by making jokes and stuff, and he really seems mature about it. I'm probably gonna tell him. I basically have to, because i wanna be able to bring guys back to my place…so thats pretty much decided. Just gotta get the balls to do it :-/

Volcom&SonofSlobone:
About the sports…
Yeah, there are openly gay athletes everywhere, but those athletes most of the time do their sports in really high leagues, where money and jobs are involved. I guess a lot of slander and mobbing just gets pushed away because money is a more importand matter…my impression.

To talk about my judo-mates. None of the guys there should be counted as being one of the brightest bulbs in the tanning bed…if you know what i mean?
They are basic…they have their oppinions and they are set on them. I know them, and oddly, i also like them for just this fact. Theyre not layered.
They are easy to read, they have my back, and theyr'e scared of fags. thats how it is…
I still love the sport…so im in a tight spot there.


About the gay-sportsclub you found there. its just a normal club in cologne (wich is like the german san francisco). it probably just popped up in your search because of that.

 

[DVM26uk]

Is it actually staying closeted or are you just keeping your private life... well private?

At the end of the day there's pro's and con's to being in/out, for example it's probably less difficult for an openly gay man to hook up with guys where as your closeted gay man might have to do a lot of cloak and dagger running around in the shadows stuff to achieve the same goals.

It's a lifestyle choice and as already stated you decide.

 

[PabloZed]

I am glad you are going to tell your future roommate because I got an apt with a straight guy in school and it got real uncomfortable. He finally asked me and even then I lied. I regret I was not honest from the beginning with him and so I am glad you are doing the right thing.

As for sports, I am not sure your judo mates need to know. My brother is a wrestler (which obviously involves a lot of contact) and he did not come out to his team. I think that is a case where sexuality could matter because young men will react based on what how they think society expects them to react. In order to show they are not gay they will be more aggressive than otherwise. Its probably best to simply say nothing (don't ask, don't tell).

Just to show we are all connected, one of my first "loves" in school was a German named Wolfram from Hamburg. Just a darling boy.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

.


About the gay-sportsclub you found there. its just a normal club in cologne (wich is like the german san francisco). it probably just popped up in your search because of that.

OK, ich spreche nur ein bisschen deutsch. But here's what that page says way down at the bottom:

Das Kölner Motto „Be part of it!“ bindet alle mit ein: sei ein Teil der Gemeinschaft, mache mit und setze auch Du Dich für mehr Toleranz ein. Jeder kann mitmachen – egal, ob heterosexuell, homosexuell, transgender oder transsexuell.

GAY GAMES 2010 - Frühbucher-Registrierung gestartet!

So they're certainly gay-friendly at least.

And here's a gay karate club right in Hamburg:

http://hamburg.gay-web.de/gaysha/

 

[Headphone90]

OK, ich spreche nur ein bisschen deutsch. But here's what that page says way down at the bottom:

Das Kölner Motto „Be part of it!“ bindet alle mit ein: sei ein Teil der Gemeinschaft, mache mit und setze auch Du Dich für mehr Toleranz ein. Jeder kann mitmachen – egal, ob heterosexuell, homosexuell, transgender oder transsexuell.

GAY GAMES 2010 - Frühbucher-Registrierung gestartet!

So they're certainly gay-friendly at least.

And here's a gay karate club right in Hamburg:

http://hamburg.gay-web.de/gaysha/

Ah, didnt know about that one…thats awesome.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

Anyway -- I got distracted by that sports issue -- but in answer to your original question: No, of course you don't have to come out if you don't want to. But don't think it's all or nothing. You can choose who you come out to.

You've already come out to 3 people -- keep looking for friendly people you feel you can trust. It's always good to have friends you can be honest with, and who knows, one of them may have a gay brother...

Don't worry about your mother (for now at least) or the judo guys. Only do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[KingofFaeries]

a) unless you get syphilis and leave it untreated from a guy you are having unprotected sex with big no no your studies are unlikely to be affected by your being gay. Unless your having orgies til 5am in which case that's really your fault not the gayness fun though

b) I know of a handful of straight guys (I don't socialize much with the straight bunch ) that would have no problem fighting/training/wrestling/showering with me. As long as I'm not groping their crotch with my mouth they don't really give a damn. That being said there are those that are intolerant in the sports world. If you can't find a gay judo class, or at least gay friendly look into that gay karate thing. You get to meet some nice gay guys who can whoop your ass

c) no one ever said you have to come out 100% every time you meet someone new. You are not wearing a giant neon sign that says 'I'm gay who wants a blowjob?' Though I think that would be a nice sign to hang in my room If you want to come out to your judo mates, if you feel that it is a necessity then roll the dice. If you honestly don't give a damn whether they know or not, then why do they need to know? Unless you are having fantasies about getting into their butts or vice versa it really shouldn't be a big deal. Your rents you should probably tell before you get the long term boy toy, give the time to get used to the idea. Parents who live in denial of their kids gayness despite signs generally don't take well to meeting their sons ltr bf. Which can turn a nice weekend home into a very very awkward weekend or betrayal and drama fit for the soap operas If you have yet to have sex with a man, when you come out tell them that. If you have I suppose you could tell them that as well and be like ' Look been there done that, didn't get a souvenir. ' If you don't want to tell your rents your past sexual history then tell them that they have drilled the safe sex speech into their heads you understand you will take precautions gay sex can be as safe/safer than straight sex when the right steps are taken.

Most of all do what you feel is needed. If you don't feel the need to tell the judo buds don't, if you feel the need to tell a random guy walking down the other side of the street that you've never met that your gay then do... well maybe not, that seems a bit much. But you get the point. You are not on anybodies coming out time table but your own.

 

[Headphone90]

I don't understand the necessity of this. I wouldn't offer that information even if they asked. And if you HAVEN'T had sex with another man and you tell them that it'll just fuel their denial and they'll insist that you're not really gay and "oh well if you haven't had sex with a man how do you know?" etc. etc. blah blah blah.

The fact that your gay is enough for your parents to digest in one sitting - I wouldn't throw your sexual history into their lap even if you are keen to divulge such information. As parents they may not WANT that information. I mean...do YOU want to know all about your parents sex life? I sure as hell don't.

Yeh, gotta agree with that. I just think showing up with someone who is different from the idea of the gay scene they have might help.
Dont get me wrong, Sex is awesome, but i prefer knowing the guys i really have Sex with. Once i was drunk and hit on a cabdriver i liked (It worked out xD ), but other than that, i got to know everyone i slept with.
My parents think of darkrooms and gangbang and fisting when they hear of gays, so i just want them to know theres a whole tender, loving, relationship part in my sexuality. like in everyones.
they're not stupid or religious or anything, they wil accept it when they see it.

 

[Headphone90]

Screw the double post!

Tonight, i went out with some friends and got a good drink on…long story short:
I told my future roommate aubout me being gay, and he absolutely acted cool.
He basically said:
"and?"

pretty awesome i guess

gosh, i feel a whole lot better. he's number 4 on the list of people i came out to.