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I don't wanna be gay anymore

Dear OP.

The problem isn't that you are gay.

Stop blaming the porn. I watched tons of it and never felt the urge to stick anything other than a cock in my ass.

As for your underage cousin....you could have been straight and had the same thoughts if it was a female.

And you don't need therapy to deal with your guilt over this. You desperately need therapy to deal with your guilt about being a homo. And to learn how to be a happy man.
 
rareboy said:
Dear OP.

And you don't need therapy to deal with your guilt over this. You desperately need therapy to deal with your guilt about being a homo. And to learn how to be a happy man.
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Well said! ..|
 
Thanks guys! I really appreciate all the help and advice you've given me. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone these things - especially the thing about my cousin - but I'm glad I did open up about it because it did make me feel better about myself.

As for the plunger thing, I really wish I had been more informed before doing it. I thought it would be a fun way to fulfill my desires, and make me feel good. But it turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. For one thing, I did take it too far and was too rough with it especially when I'm a virgin (and then no lube on top of it). I guess that was just my willingness to feel what bottoming is like. I do realize I shouldn't have blamed the porn, or me being gay, on it because in the end it was my stupid decision.

Thanks again, I really needed to hear these things! I think all of my problems would be solved if I just had a loyal boyfriend. But my shyness and anxiety definitely gets in the way of that. These are things I definitely need to overcome.
 
You are probably right that a loyal boyfriend will be a calming influence in your present turmoil. But if you are shy (read "self-esteem/self-image problems"), you have to overcome that obstacle, which stands between you and any potential boyfriend. Possibly you can do that by yourself, but a counselor you can trust would speed the process along immensely.

Good luck. Loneliness and lack of love are terrible things for a 20 y.o. to bear alone.
 
palbert said:
I would seriously suggest that you consider counseling. Your heightened anxiety and depression need to be evaluated.
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I agree with this opinion. You're dealing with a heavy plate of emotions and need an outside view of the bigger picture.

Having a loyal boyfriend isn't going to erase any problems. Before you even get into a HEALTHY relationship, you have to love and take care of yourself. Only you can make you better. :)

I wish you well!
 
I am curious...what part of the world do you live in? The reason I ask...perhaps some unique outside influences have contributed to and helped shaped your view of yourself?
 
thenewkcm said:
Having a loyal boyfriend isn't going to erase any problems. Before you even get into a HEALTHY relationship, you have to love and take care of yourself. Only you can make you better. :)
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But I feel having a boyfriend will give me someone to talk to, I'd give my attention to him instead of looking at porn. It would even calm my sexual desires for other guys because I'd have a boyfriend to project those sexual urges onto.
 
eastofeden said:
I am curious...what part of the world do you live in? The reason I ask...perhaps some unique outside influences have contributed to and helped shaped your view of yourself?
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USA - California

I don't think outside influences are the problem, it's most likely myself getting in the way.
 
If your family are the only people in your life, that might be why you fixated sexually on one of them. You already have a loving relationship with them, so your fantasies have crossed the line into something sexual. Odds are if you had a broader base of friends and acquaintances you would focus more appropriately on one of them.

I don't think it is unusual for porn to create a psychological problem for some guys, leading them into obsession.
 
A boyfriend won't solve internal problems. You'd be we'll served by exploring sexual addiction issues with a therapist. Best wishes to you.
 
Believe me... having a BF isn't going to solve your problems. They're a LOT of work, and it isn't all unicorns and fluffy bunnies and rainbows. You can feel just as, or more alone in a relationship as you would single. Relationships take time... a LOT of time... to build, develop, and grow. He's probably not going to be this mega-compatible soul mate from the start, and it usually takes people several attempts/relationships before they find the "perfect" guy.

You're looking for someone else to make you feel better. That's a lot of baggage to thrust on someone else, and frankly, impossible for them to do, especially when you don't even seem to know exactly what you want. Ideally, you should be comfortable enough with yourself, and like yourself before you can even hope for someone else to like you.

Watching porn and getting yourself all worked up into a frenzy, and then feeling guilty about it afterwards is probably a pretty good sign that you're probably not in an emotional state at the moment to be offering yourself out to someone else. There's nothing wrong with being gay, having urges, or watching porn for that matter. All things in moderation, with a pinch of sensibility and insight.

Basically... Learn to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to.
... oh... and ideally, you should go into a relationship with thoughts of what you can add to it/offer, not just what you can get out of it.
 
trustie said:
USA - California

I don't think outside influences are the problem, it's most likely myself getting in the way.
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I am trying to break it down a bit....

A component of your angst seems to be your attraction to your cousin and his age...and it is good that you recognize the problem...but I am curious how big of a problem is it?

You said you are 20...so if he is say 16 or 17...that is not really as big of a problem as if he were 9 or 10...and they are quite different problems.

The cousin thing...may be a problem I guess but I don't think it is that uncommon to be attracted to a cousin. Also...your attraction might have a lot to do with him "getting you"....
 
eastofeden said:
I am trying to break it down a bit....

A component of your angst seems to be your attraction to your cousin and his age...and it is good that you recognize the problem...but I am curious how big of a problem is it?

You said you are 20...so if he is say 16 or 17...that is not really as big of a problem as if he were 9 or 10...and they are quite different problems.

The cousin thing...may be a problem I guess but I don't think it is that uncommon to be attracted to a cousin. Also...your attraction might have a lot to do with him "getting you"....
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Um it's definitely on the "bigger problem" side.
 
You really need professional counseling for your sake before the problem gets worse...and before other people get hurt.
 
eastofeden said:
Ahhhh...OK..

I am not really sure how to go about giving advice for that one but if that is the case maybe you really aren't gay?
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I am gay. Though I've never dated or had sex with a guy, I'm pretty sure. I've had high school crushes on guys, I love gay porn, and I can only envision myself with a guy not a girl.
 
Oh and I lose my erection everytime I see straight porn (or any kind of porn with a woman). So there's that too.
 
trustie said:
I am gay. Though I've never dated or had sex with a guy, I'm pretty sure. I've had high school crushes on guys, I love gay porn, and I can only envision myself with a guy not a girl.
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Ahhh...OK...maybe that will help. I am assuming the guys in HS you had crushes on were around the same age as you? ...and the gay porn...do you like gay porn with guys your own age or older?

You said you have urges for every guy you see...hopefully most of them are age appropriate? If so...you are a normal anxiety ridden sexually frustrated 20 year old because there are certainly a lot of straight 20 year olds that have similar urges for every women they see...yes?

Are your fears about disease and bottoming maybe preventing you from seeking a boyfriend or an actual experience with another guy?

Perhaps your attraction to your cousin has more to do with him being "safe" or "disease free" than him being a relative...or his age?
 
eastofeden said:
Ahhh...OK...maybe that will help. I am assuming the guys in HS you had crushes on were around the same age as you?
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Yes.

eastofeden said:
...and the gay porn...do you like gay porn with guys your own age or older?
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Both, but mostly my own age.

eastofeden said:
You said you have urges for every guy you see...hopefully most of them are age appropriate? If so...you are a normal anxiety ridden sexually frustrated 20 year old because there are certainly a lot of straight 20 year olds that have similar urges for every women they see...yes?
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Um not so sure. I really like the guys on Disney Channel...Ross Lynch is my ideal guy. He just turned legal lol. But I am sexually attracted to younger guys on Disney Channel too. But out in public I'm more attracted to older guys and guys around my age.

eastofeden said:
Are you fears maybe about disease and bottoming maybe preventing you from seeking a boyfriend or an actual experience with another guy?
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Um it's mostly my shyness, but that may be part of it too.

eastofeden said:
Perhaps your attraction to your cousin has more to do with him being "safe" or "disease free" than him being a relative...or his age?
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That might be part of it, but I think it's mostly because he's like the only male I see lately lol. And the only guy I have serious bonding with.
 
There seems to be a lot going on here, I'll just write down some of my thoughts, hopefully you will find some of them useful.

- Being gay can be very hard, I won't deny that. But it's important to keep in mind that what makes gay life so hard are all the bigots out there. Being gay, per so, is not a problem; bigotry is. This may seem like an academic distinction - after all, a hard life is a hard life, right? - but I think it would be an important shift in perspective for you. Yes, you may be facing hardship because of your sexuality, but there is nothing wrong with you. It's a cliché, but it's true: learn to love yourself, as you are. You will find a world of other LGBT folks who've also accepted themselves and are here to embrace and support you.

- I don't see pornography per se as a problem either, but I will say that it can be very hard to deal with porn if you're prone to mental problems like depression or anxiety (and it seems you are). I know that because I've had problems with this myself. This is what's currently working out for me: I made this rule for myself that I'm not allowed to use tumblr (which is my main source of porn) before 17:00. So far I've had the self-discipline to maintain that rule, and it's really helped. Maybe you can make your own rule regarding porn. Make sure to only make rules for yourself that you know are realistic; nothing is more demoralizing than making a rule and then breaking it.

- On your buttplug-adventure and fear of STD's: just inform yourself, man. And recognize that those disasters and anxieties are expressions of your troubled mind. Pull yourself together mental health wise (easier said than done, I know), and those "problems" will turn out to be no problems at all.

- On being attracted to your cousin: Perhaps your attraction is a way for your currently anxious and troubled mind to express itself. Sometimes, if we are troubled, we tend to seek out inappropriate objects of attraction - be it a straight and therefore unavailable friend, an abusive man, or in your case, somebody underage. The fact that you're also attracted to men your own age seems to point in that direction. I would try to not obsess over it as far as that's possible, and focus on the sexual feelings you have towards men your own age and older.

- That being said, it's also possible that you have pedophile urges. Here is a podcast that discusses this subject in a way that I thought was very empathic, kind, and reasonable. You can start listening at 10:50 (there is lot's of other stuff before). They also discuss very practical options, and what people who have such urges should and shouldn't do, including the legal aspect of the issue. http://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/183

- Overall, I think you sound very troubled, and I'd urge you to seek professional help. I really, really mean that. I hope I could help and wish you all the best!
 
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