I don't wanna be gay anymore

[Illmatic]

If you would've been straight, , you would still have crushes on people, you would still have sexual fantasies and you would still watch porn on the internet. Would you have a girlfriend? I don't know, because getting a girlfriend is almost as hard as getting a gay boyfriend.

These seem like some "normal" problems to me. So many (gay) people have/had crushes on poeple they NEEDED to be with but couldn't be (yes, me to), soo many people watch porn (more than you would think) and I also have sexual urges for so many people but if you want something you need to search for it, which I don't.
The plunger thing is just a mistake you made, you just need to learn from that and move on.

Life is one big challenge and you need to "complete" it. If you can't do it on your own, go find counseling like many people above here said, it's really great when your stuck.

Sorry if there is something out of this already said

 

[borg69unimatrix]

That might be part of it, but I think it's mostly because he's like the only male I see lately lol. And the only guy I have serious bonding with.

^^^ THIS right here is a major part of your problem, IMO.

Your gay desires are going to manifest themselves, weather you like it or not... and they're going to eventually make you make some bad decisions ... like the toilet plunger for instance. You really need to get out and socialize with other gay men to form friendships and relationships with that you can express your gay side in some kind of quasi-"normal" fashion that isn't going to be detrimental to you before you end up doing something you're going to really regret with some household appliance or your cousin.

 

[KaraBulut]

But I feel having a boyfriend will give me someone to talk to, I'd give my attention to him instead of looking at porn. It would even calm my sexual desires for other guys because I'd have a boyfriend to project those sexual urges onto.

No, this would be the worst reason to want a boyfriend. The person that you need to talk to is a licensed therapist who can actually help you.

 

[trustie]

You really need to get out and socialize with other gay men to form friendships and relationships with that you can express your gay side in some kind of quasi-"normal" fashion that isn't going to be detrimental to you before you end up doing something you're going to really regret with some household appliance or your cousin.

I definitely agree, but it's pretty hard for me to socialize with people as myself having social anxiety, shyness, and such. I wish I could, I really do, but I have so many things getting in the way. There's also no way for me to meet gay men when I have no friends and no way to get anywhere.

 

[Mariatenebre]

Really. If I was straight, would I have sexual thoughts about my underage (male) cousin that I have a deep connection with? If I were straight, would I have stuck something up my butt after seeing guys on tube sites do it? Would I have sexual feelings about all the guys I see in public? Would I have thoughts about bleeding and bottoming?

I don't think so.

I want my SEXUALITY to go away completely. It's making a mess of me.

You do realize that there are straight people who have incestuous relations right? In fact in Islamic countries cousin marriage is a normal thing and sometimes in the ancient world it wasn't considered taboo. Now we know the harms it causes. As for your plunger incident my aunt had to get a Dildo removed from her vagina because she stuck it in too far. None of these problems are unique to being gay. If you stick something too long and unlubed up your ass you are bound to have problems. Start small and for god's sake don't use something wooden.

Oh and as it has been said before part of your problem is you feel guilty for being gay for whatever reason and are internalizing this guilt. This guilt probably is what is making you do these risky behaviors because suppressing sexuality does nothing but just makes a person more perverted and depraved. I think you need therapy to deal with your issues.

 

[Mariatenebre]

However as for the cousin thing I think your main problems are that he is the only male you are bonding with and your gay thoughts are going to manifest themselves someway especially if you are not having healthy dating and sex life. It is kind of like the thing with pedo priests or people who are celibate. Suppressing your sexuality just makes it that much worse. Get out and meet other guys

 

[peeonme]

I definitely agree, but it's pretty hard for me to socialize with people as myself having social anxiety, shyness, and such. I wish I could, I really do, but I have so many things getting in the way. There's also no way for me to meet gay men when I have no friends and no way to get anywhere.

I have no idea as to the age of your cousin, however from what I have read a person who has not matured might not feel comfortable with people in his own age group, the feelings of shyness and anxiety might have the effect of leading you towards younger guys where you feel like you are on a level playing field.

Please seek some professional help, let your cousin become who he is meant to be with no influence from you, you are only 20, you don't need to screw up both your life and his. Don't place yourself in a position where you have any opportunity to act on your desires.