I don't want to be gay

[Vagabond]

I think I should start off by saying that typing that sentence in that box was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It felt like it took ages to do; just three letters that have brought my life to a standstill. But I feel like I'm among friends here, so this is where I'm gonna turn to. I think it's the only place I can turn to.

I feel like a criminal. A dishonest criminal always having to look over his shoulder, always having to have an alibi, an escape route, an arsenal of lies to cover my trail. I feel like I'm constantly behind enemy lines. And the thing is I know this is wrong. But I'm so full of anger and frustration that it doesn't even matter. I feel like I've become detached from my body and soul. It feels that way right know as I'm trying to type this, like I'm watching it happen instead of making it happen, which is probably the only reason I'm able to do it. I'm angry at myself, angry at society, angry at everything. Angry that I have to be this way, angry that I was never given a choice or a chance. Angry that I have to submit myself to the judgment of the people I love so much and angry that they have to judge me for something that neither of us even understand.

I don't want to be gay. I feel that if I accept it and share that with others that I'll be defeated. I feel that my life was over before it even began. I feel like I've been robbed and made to suffer for something I never even chose. I can never live a normal life. The anger and frustration is so immense that I feel like I'm imploding. And if I implode any more, if I'm any more isolated, I might as well not even exist.

I know it's wrong to feel this way, but why is it impossible for me to be at peace? My mind and soul tell me one thing, but there is some sort of force keeping me from the truth. It is a real, tangible thing that I can't get past. I'm powerless. I'm definitely at the edge here and there's two ways to go. One way isn't the way I want to go, despite myself pulling in that direction. The other way is the way I know I should follow, the way I want to go, but I literally can't do. It feels like sprouting wings from my back and flying through the window is more tangible.

I don't want to be gay, so what do I do here? How does this go?

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JUB!

Take it easy buddy. It's all in your head. There are so many gay people that are very very successful in our society. Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris & Elton John are great examples. They are well accepted by society. If you're gay, you're gay. If you're not, you're not. It's like...if you're a male, then you're a male. If you're a female, then you're a female. If you have blue eyes, then you have blue eyes. If you have brown eyes, then you have brown eyes. The truth is the truth. The truth will set you free.

So...what makes you feel like you're gay? Why do you think you're might be gay? And if you're gay, what's the worst that could happen?

 

[evanrick]

id say being gay is an advantage not something to be afraid of

 

[medic1]

Welcome to JUB!

Take it easy buddy. It's all in your head. There are so many gay people that are very very successful in our society. Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris & Elton John are great examples. They are well accepted by society. If you're gay, you're gay. If you're not, you're not. It's like...if you're a male, then you're a male. If you're a female, then you're a female. If you have blue eyes, then you have blue eyes. If you have brown eyes, then you have brown eyes. The truth is the truth. The truth will set you free.

So...what makes you feel like you're gay? Why do you think you're might be gay? And if you're gay, what's the worst that could happen?

Some great advice m8 is their a local gay or lgbt switchboard in your area if there
is try giving them a call please they are fantastic people all of them are vollunteers
and all of them will listen and offer you support i am sorry that you are so upset
and or ashamed of your feelings , Please talk to someone .

 

[KaraBulut]

A lot of guys feel this way. And it often comes from the perception of stereotypes- that gay people are unhappy, that gay people don't have stable relationships and that gay people are somehow bad people.

And often there's a fear that friends and family will reject you. That being gay is a sin.

What you didn't offer in your post was an explanation about why you feel this way. Let's say you are gay- why is that a bad thing for you?

 

[kallipolis]

I don't want to be gay, so what do I do here? How does this go?

Be, your self.

That you know that you are gay should inform you that your liberation from those fears that are now disturbing, and troubling you are best confronted, and defeated by becoming who you know your self to be.

Being truthful with your self, will set you free to live a happy, and fulfilling life.

Whereas, denial of your true self will incarcerate you into a self destructive existence of self loathing and hatred.

 

[bretski40]

you know i felt the same way as you. i didn't come out until i was 30. i was so afraid for the same reasons as you. it was a long process to come to terms and embrace my true self.

i'm going to assume that you have family and friends that you can lean on and are supportive. reach out to them. find yourself a gay wingman to help navigate the waters. it will be totally worth it. i promise.

 

[lonnie1]

Having been in the closet until I was 62, I can tell you the pluses and minuses associated with that decision. I will summarize by saying your life will be much better if you acknowledge who you are and what your sexuality is. Be true to yourself first and the rest will follow. Saying the words "Im gay" to the first person is a terrifying trip, but believe me, most people don't care. They will for 24 hours and then will get over it. Those that remain your friends--probably most--will be the same. Those who shun you, you didn't want as friends anyway. YOU MUST BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN LIFE BEFORE YOU CAN MAKE ANYONE ELSE HAPPY.

 

[paatreides]

There are PLENTY of places where you can get counseling to help you get through this. To help you understand and work through the anger you feel - And understand, in our fucked up society, your feelings are quite understandable and normal.

Please, contact your local Gay & Lesbian Center - there's certainly one in your city (or near your city). Many of them offer free counseling if you can't afford to pay.

You owe it to yourself - not to your family or friends - to yourself to seek out the understanding help and assistance of someone who knows what it's like. Having someone face to face who understands what you are going through - and most likely went through himself - makes it a bit easier to work these feelings out and deal with them in a constructive way.

Please! Do not hesitate, do not waver, call the GLBT National Hotline - or log on to their website: http://www.glnh.org/

You will find a lot of resources there to help you with this.

 

[TX-Beau]

I remember that place. I got really, really angry - because it's not fair, and I didn't get a choice. Then I proceeded to take that anger out on the world an anyone in it.

You feel this way because you still think that being gay is wrong.

How do you get over it? You have to learn to accept that there's nothing wrong about being gay, and people who think that are the ones who are wrong.

How do you do that? Time, and telling yourself over and over and over and over that you are a gay man, and that's perfectly normal - until you believe it.

Sounds simplistic but there it is.

 

[Vagabond]

Thank you for all the advice. This is been something I've been struggling with for years now and I'm all but convinced myself I couldn't tell anyone, but despite that I had to break and put this out into the nether.

A lot of guys feel this way. And it often comes from the perception of stereotypes- that gay people are unhappy, that gay people don't have stable relationships and that gay people are somehow bad people.

And often there's a fear that friends and family will reject you. That being gay is a sin.

What you didn't offer in your post was an explanation about why you feel this way. Let's say you are gay- why is that a bad thing for you?

I think I've pretty much always been this way. I mean, I'm on this website, right? I can tell you this very helpful forum isn't the first reason I came here When I was younger I had no concept of sexuality or anything like that, so naturally I assumed there was nothing wrong with me. That everyone was like that. I'm 23 now and more mature and realize the social and mental implications of this are much more severe than I can handle. Like I said earlier, I feel powerless against this. What makes it worse is that I'm normally unphased by social stigmas and bullshit like that, but this is just like kryptonite. I can't get past it at all.

Why it's a bad thing? Like I said in my first post, I feel like a criminal. That I'm not a part of society and never can be. I feel robbed. How can I ever experience life like a normal person? I can't get married like everyone else and have a big happy celebration, I can't have kids and raise a family, I can't enjoy all the intimate things others take for granted in a social setting, it's all so overwhelming.

I can turn to people for help, but that's the thing, I just can't do it. It's like there's a magic spell blocking me from helping myself. I really, really want to tell my bestfriend but I've never been more scared of anything in my life and I'm really ashamed of that. Calling him my bestfriend is an understatement, he's truly my soul mate. We've been through so many things together and I know that even if the whole world turned against me he'd still have my back. But I just can't tell him. It'd be easier to stick my hand into a fire.

I feel that he's being robbed like I am. That he has to deal with something he shouldn't. We can't do normal shit like everyone else, like go to a bar and pick up chicks together. Or talk about things like that. He's normal and I'm an alien and the world will hate him for being friends with an alien. I feel so guilty. Even a few times he's asked me if I was gay, I guess jokingly. I've never dated and never talked about it, so I guess that's why he asked. I'd just dodge it, or try to make him feel guilty for asking. And looking back on that it tearing me apart. But I'm just so afraid that he might think I'm a lesser person, that I'm not a real man and the fact that he has to endure this with me. So, maybe he really does know? My mind is saying, "what the fuck is wrong with you? He wants to help" but myself just puts all these "What ifs" into my head. I think my distrust of him is really affecting our friendship, but why can't I do this? I really don't want to lay all this on him.

 

[irudesan]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a4MR8oI_B8[/ame]

It gets better, focus on the positive things rather than in the bad ones.

Negative thoughts shrink your vision of the world, while positive ones widen it.

You are not the only one out there.

 

[oakpope]

I was in the same position as yourself at your age. I thought of myself as a monster, a freak who shouldn't exist. I was mad at nature for doing that to me.
I build a prison for myself for more than 30 years. I'm alone, many mental issues, money issues, social issues. All because I refused to live. I was a zombie.
Please do not make the mistakes I made. At 23, you have so much to discover. First and foremost, you could try to make the effort to convince youself that being gay is not a bad thing. No it's not so easy, but all depend on you. Your first coming out to your friend or anyone self that you trusts, will be terrifying but also liberating. You will be pride of yourself for having that extra strenght. Remember that gay people all have to face it, we all had to be courageous at that point. Being a minority, a hated one sometimes, lead to tolerance and resilience. There is no shame in being in a minority. The limit you impose on yourself is of your own doing. You can have a relationship if you want it and make the effort to search for it. May be you won't have kids, but many gay people have kid and are raising them. Don't think all the doors are closed because you are gays. Some doors will have to be knocked down, others are invented daily by gay people for their own usage.

Please don't think less of yourself because you're gay. You are beautiful as you are, be convinced of that, be pride of yourself. You have the same right as everybody else to be loved.

 

[gewhite3]

Vagabond, if your best friend in the world has come out and asked if you're gay, then he already suspects you are and is just looking for confirmation. My instinct would be to make him the first one I would tell. That may help you move further along after you've come out to one person.

Anyone that turns their back on you for who you are, was never a true friend to begin with.

 

[mbamike]

Sounds to me that you are mentally exhausted from analyzing and dealing with the fact that you are gay. You are wearing yourself out.

Get out of your head and just start living your life. All the rest will fall into place. I wish you the best.

 

[kallipolis]

Sounds to me that you are mentally exhausted from analyzing and dealing with the fact that you are gay. You are wearing yourself out.

Get out of your head and just start living your life. All the rest will fall into place. I wish you the best.

This too is important, and very practical advice.

Some times we can over analyse, over theorise and then after far too many words realise that we must live our life, rather than spend our time talking about what should be..........rather than what is.

 

[hotatlboi]

I can't get married like everyone else

Yes you can. Even if your government doesn't recognize it right now, being married really is how you define it, not how someone else defines it for you. You can have the same type of life as a straight married couple if that's what you want. And it's only a matter of time before all governments recognize it too. Since you're young, that will probably happen before you are even ready to get married.

and have a big happy celebration

Yes you can.

I can't have kids and raise a family

Yes you can.

I can't enjoy all the intimate things

Yes you can.

I can turn to people for help, but that's the thing, I just can't do it.

Yes you can. You just have to work up the courage to accept yourself first, then it will be much easier to tell others.

We can't do normal shit like everyone else, like go to a bar and pick up chicks together.

Yes you can. Well, you'll pick up guys though obviously.

But I'm just so afraid that he might think I'm a lesser person

Most of your problems will go away as soon as you stop measuring yourself by what others think and jettison your self defeating philosophy.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think I've pretty much always been this way. I mean, I'm on this website, right? I can tell you this very helpful forum isn't the first reason I came here ... I'm 23 now and more mature and realize the social and mental implications of this are much more severe than I can handle. Like I said earlier, I feel powerless against this. What makes it worse is that I'm normally unphased by social stigmas and bullshit like that, but this is just like kryptonite. I can't get past it at all.

There are probably hundreds perhaps thousands of members here that will tell you that they went through this. For a lot of people, it is part of the process.

There's a lot of pressure to conform and fit into "norms". There was a time when left-handed people where forced by teachers to learn to write with their right hand- often because being left-handed was thought to be evil or abnormal. Today, we laugh at the idea that someone would believe that being left-handed was something other than just a variation on normal.

Someday there will be a time when being gay is viewed as just a variation of healthy sexuality.

Why it's a bad thing? Like I said in my first post, I feel like a criminal. That I'm not a part of society and never can be. I feel robbed. How can I ever experience life like a normal person? I can't get married like everyone else and have a big happy celebration, I can't have kids and raise a family, I can't enjoy all the intimate things others take for granted in a social setting, it's all so overwhelming.

Let's be clear: you can be anything or do anything that you want to do- if you want it enough.

If you want to be married, you'll do what thousands of gay men have done- go to a state or country where same sex marriage is legal.

If you want to have kids and raise a family, you'll find a surrogate or you'll adopt or you'll find a partner that has children from a previous relationship.

None of this is brave or strange or odd. It's just being yourself and living honestly and without apology.

I can turn to people for help, but that's the thing, I just can't do it. It's like there's a magic spell blocking me from helping myself. I really, really want to tell my bestfriend .... . Even a few times he's asked me if I was gay, I guess jokingly. I've never dated and never talked about it, so I guess that's why he asked...

It may be that he's giving you the opportunity to be honest. And in return, you don't have faith in him or in your friendship to be honest. What kind of friend doesn't trust another friend?

The next time he asks, ask him, "If I were, would it change our friendship?". If he says, "No", then be honest. If your friendship is as close and as significant as you believe it is, then you will find out for sure.

 

[MindBlast]

My best friend is straight. I told him when I was 17. That was 6 years into our friendship. I'm 27 now, 16 years into our friendship he's still my best friend. Nothing really changed.

Your best friend knows already. Trust me on this. He KNOWS. He's just trying to get you to say it yourself. Don't even think for a minute that he thinks you're straight. Mine knew, he said ever since we were 14 he knew something was different about me.

 

[makeurowndstny]

I was at this point when I was in high school. I was raised in a very strict Catholic family and I was fearful of how I would be treated and accepted. Did they accept me when they found out, no... but you know who did? My best friend. I now live with my best friend and we have the greatest friendship ever. If you trust your best friend and you say he will always have your back, tell him... or tell him your unsure. He will be there to help you. Plus he probably already knows... you're hurting him by NOT telling him.

As for marriage, it is about who you're with, not with how the gov't recognizes you. I plan on getting married, even if I have to move to Massachusetts (even though I want to anyway.)

As for intimate things, I don't see the difference... my last bf and I used to go on double dates with my best friend and her bf and we did the same things.

As for kids and raising a family, I plan on having both kids and a family.

I've gone to a bar with a straight guy friend and trust me, gay men make the best wing men for a straight man (and vice versa), he'll love you for it

You aren't a lesser person, you are you are. Just the way God made you.