I don't want to be gay

[AreYouON21]

Okay so I read through your first post and I don't have the patience to read through all the other advices..

I felt like I needed to write something. Because at one point I was feeling the same way as you. I feel like people who didn't go through similar things can't tell you what to do.

I knew I had sexual attractions towards guys at a young age.. I too had no real understanding of sexuality and felt like I was normal and that nothing was wrong with me.. I hit a certain age and started realizing that I was in fact different from all my friends. I started distancing myself from people and alienating myself because I felt different and that they might find me weird or disgusting.

I used to cry at night because I didn't want to be gay. I wanted to be "normal". My family was proud of me for who I was and what I've achieved. Just thinking that they might not be proud of me anymore because I'm gay made it difficult for me to go through each day. I even contemplated suicide from time to time. I even wished that one day I would be attracted to girls... Or that maybe I can just marry a woman and live my life like that... (but the gay married men on Oprah change my mind). One night my mom heard me crying and came in and gave me a hug and asked me what was wrong but obviously I couldnt tell her...

Things got better as soon as I told one person about it.. It just kept getting better and better.. I know it's very hard and scary... But it sounds like your best friend is trying to help you here. If he asked if you were gay, chances are he may have a clue that you might be... and that he's completely fine with it.

I don't want to go blabbing too much but if you want to read more about what happened after I came out... here's my blog.

http://itgotbetter.tumblr.com/

This link below only shows posts that relates to me

http://itgotbetter.tumblr.com/tagged/Self

I hope things goes well for you and if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.. or any of the Jubbers in here!

 

[ice444]

I would suggest most gay people (myself included) have felt something like this at one time or another.

I've been out for 8 years and have not looked back! Sure, it is scary, but once your out that's it!

It's mainly positive (there can be negative reactions but so be it!) and can only get better!

 

[handyman76]

My best friend from high school used to joke about being gay. Sometimes I would tell him I was, then I'd tell him it was just a joke. Although he was supposed to be my best friend, I never trusted him enough. We gradually drifted apart, and I lost touch with him. I'm sorry, because he was a good friend.

What if I had trusted him, and been totally honest with him? Perhaps he would have thought less of me for being gay, and I would have lost a friend. But I lost my friend anyway by not being a good enough friend to him. So what have you got to lose?

I know it seems like a big risk, and perhaps it is; but if you're not honest with your friend, it's not a real friendship.

When I did come out, it was to my best friend from grad school. He proved a true friend, and our friendship has lasted to this day. What a relief it was to stop lying!

And be true to yourself. Does being gay make you less of a man? Does it make you less courageous, or generous, or kind, or strong, or honest, or loyal? Those are the qualities that make you a man, not who you like to sleep with.

It may take a while to get used to the idea, but trust me, after you've been out for a while, you stop caring what other people think.

 

[Vagabond]

Hey everyone, it's been a while but I'd like to share something with you all.

Last week I was finally able to come out to my best friend. It definitely wasn't an easy road to follow but I got there nonetheless. He's been incredibly supportive and understanding and I'm truly blessed to have him in my life. I'd like to go into more detail, but it's late and I'm tired. I just need to get something off my chest.

I'm incredibly relieved to be able to open up an avenue of trust and honesty with my friend. Talking to him did feel like throwing off the chains and getting a breath of much needed fresh air. It feels as if our friendship has strengthened but I have to be honest when I say it's not exactly the grand revolution I might have expected it to be. Yes, there is an indescribable feeling of freedom but the moments of anger, depression, and pain I felt before are also more oppressive. The highs are higher, but the lows are lower. I can't really describe it more than that. I'm at a low tonight and it's not feeling good. I feel like I'm in for a rude awakening. That I haven't been able to process this important step I've made enough to prepare myself for the reckoning of just exactly what I've done. Though I have opened up with my friend, I still sometimes get the feeling that I can't talk much more about it with him.

Is this normal? To be experiencing such highs and lows? I've technically came out of the closet but the room it opened into I think is still too big for me to step into. It's taken me years and years of mental and emotional anguish to be able to tell my best friend, who I trust more than anyone on the planet. I can't perceive the next step and how I'd even be able to take it.

 

[anchihiro]

Well done man!

Yes you can breathe out abit more but if you expected all the internal pain and anguish to fade after one person, it won't.
Like people have already mentioned it simply takes time. Time to mentally develop a new more positive way at looking at yourself.
You still see being gay as a negative, why don't you explore what other gay people and sources have to say/offer.

Also when you're ready perhaps there are other people you can come out to.

I understand what you said, feelin that others perception of you might change that instead of them seeing a fully rounded person, they just see 'that gay guy'.
I think its important for you to know that the only reason why a ton of straight people don't think that way is because of all the other gay people that have gone before you.
Showing the people that you havent changed, you're still the same as before. Trust me that everyone will see this and life will go back to normal, you're still you.
But it does take one step at a time, don't worry.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Congrats Vagabond,
That is a big step and I imagine it was scary/exciting/helpful/upsetting/freeing/etc. all at once.

As I'm making my journey, I'm shocked at the wide range of emotions - super highs, deep lows. Other guys here are telling me it isn't unusual.

I admire you for talking to your best friend. Hang in there and keep posting.

 

[MaxMouse]

I love your post, and dig the honesty. All I have to say is that it is definitely a struggle, but being yourself and doing what you want to do is the best decision. Really, follow your heart and the instinct of truly what you want...If you are gay, you're gay. Eventually you will love yourself and own it.

It gets BETTER! Truthfully it does. And that is coming from me, someone who used to feel the same way and still struggles a little bit. Someone told me once when I came out to them that they thought it was really cool because I'm different and it's something that I can represent. It made me feel a lot better about it. You are different, and it's something to be proud of to live your life honestly and in that way

 

[Duckpuddle]

Vagabond,

Being gay is tough and a long journey. You are at the beginning and have taken the biggest step: you have come out to yourself. The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. You are learning to be honest with you. Listen and be true to who YOU are.

Accepting that you are gay is not easy, but it is not the end of you life. Society love to put difference into a box and point out all of its flaws. Your family, your friends, your school, church, social groups, the TV, the newspapers all have a habit of proving to us how difficult it is to be gay. Well, life IS difficult. Your lot is yours, you won it, you own. Accept it and make it yours.

Keep talking and keep listening to yourself. Keep your self open minded and find someone. or a bunch of people, who you feel comfortable speaking to, you sister, your grandmother, a good teacher, you best friend, that guy down the street that everyone is convinced is gay. You are not alone.

 

[Duckpuddle]

V,

I just read your note from this morning. The short answer is YES. You are normal with normal feelings. I think the key here might be that you are actually feeling your feelings. Over the last couple of years, I bet you have been thinking, at least subconsciously, about all of this and kind of pushed all the highs and lows into a corner and tried not to deal with them. But now they are all front and center and commanding your attention....and you are listening. You ARE doing he work that needs to be done. Keep doing it.

About the lows. All your life you probably have been told what is right and wrong, or more importantly, you have been told what your future would be school, find a nice girl, marriage, kids, blah, blah, blah. As you realize that (SOME OF) those messages got you wrong, you are naturally going to go through a process to a) realize that the straight model isn't in the cards for you, and b) where in the world to you find a gay model to guide you?

All those dreams and plans are still open to you, but they will just look different that you or your family thought. But as you go through the transition and recognize that "the straight life" is not in the cards, you have two projects in front of you:

First you have to grieve the loss of what was supposed to happen. The idealized life path may still happen to you, but just not the way the story is "supposed to read". That is a loss for you and a journey into the unknown. Recognize that. Grieve the loss, and move on, there is much to do and much to enjoy once you accept yourself.

Second, and this is the hard part. Now that you are beginning to truly accept yourself, you are going to need to come out in some way almost each and every day from now on. I'm 52 and I'm still coming out all the time. Sometimes it is very easy, sometimes it is really hard, and even sometimes it ain't worth it so I don't. But its my choice, if I'm honest with myself it doesn't matter. It does get easier and can even be fun. Before my divorce this year, I used to love casually dropping the worth husband in a sentence as casually as any straight guy would say "wife". The reactions are often very funny and usually very telling. My point is, the journey ahead is more difficult for you because you've now got the added burden of BEING gay. Every body will be making assumptions about you, including other gay people, challenging those assumptions is hard work and can appear daunting, but it does get easier.

Be true to yourself, choose your battles, grieve you losses, and celebrate your victories.

 

[Nice Boy]

Just wanna tell you one thing: perhaps ou are trying to sort out all the things in your head at once. I was also like that - when I was coming out to myself, all those issues came across my mind - like OMG, how to come out? how to find a boyfriend? what if I'll end up alone etc. But the key to solve all the issues in their own time - gradually not at once.

Then, do not feel like an alien. In some aspects, yes, gay people will be always aliens in the society in some aspects, but please be aware that almost 100% of the friends in general WILL accept it. And BTW, try to live your life, make friends, enjoy your hobbies etc. and don't worry too much about being gay. It will get better for sure and finally, you will sort out all the problems.

 

[fetaby]

I can't perceive the next step and how I'd even be able to take it.

The next step is simply to live. And you don't have to take it, you are already doing it.

 

[Vagabond]

Just wanna stop in again to get some more advice.

Since I came out to my friend, things have been much better. We talk a lot about personal things but it feels unhindered and just good. I'd definitely say we're a lot closer now.

But there is an issue that I really don't know how to reconcile. When I did come out to him we both agreed it would stay just between us. But he's told a few people. His dad and brother, who I work with along with my friend, and his girlfriend, who he's only been dating for a few weeks now. At first it was really hard to deal with that, I almost had a nervous breakdown a few times. Your first instinct is naturally to get angry, feel betrayed, all that. But I can't because he's my best friend. I don't want to be angry with him because I need him in my life.

So we talked about it earlier in the week. I explained that I wasn't mad at him, just that when people know something about you that you don't want them to know you feel really vulnerable and naked. He said he told his dad and brother because we're co-workers and that I might feel more comfortable around them. He told his girlfriend because he apparently really likes her and wants us all to be close (I've only met her once but she seems like a nice girl). I told him that if I wanted someone to know that I'm gay that I would tell them. Like I told him. I wanted him to know, no one else at this point in time. I asked him why he just didn't talk to me first, tell me that he felt I should come out to these people and he said because he knew I would say no. It was a long convo but I explained that it is my choice who should know or not, that I'm not ready for other people to know, that the safety I had with just him knowing was one of the biggest factors that allowed me to open up to him. Ultimately, he said he understood and that even though those people he told said they don't give a fuck about me being gay that he shouldn't have told them.

Now, this has been all I been thinking about. It brings up so many things to think about. I think I understand now why he told them. I know he was just trying to help me. Maybe he was right? We've known each other forever- I don't think anyone on this planet knows me as much as he does. So maybe he felt this would be the only way I could make progress? After thinking...maybe it was. I just don't know.

At first, he said he just told his dad. Then he said he told his girlfriend. And when we talked about it a few days ago, he said his brother knew too, which I wasn't aware of. That freaked me out. But the thing is, that was months ago. His brother had known for months that I was gay and I didn't know that and I never would've known had he not told me. Everything was just normal, nothing changed at all. Nothing has changed at work or between his dad, his brother, and I at all. I guess that kinda speaks for itself. Why did I almost have a heart attack when I found this out? It's the two parts of me again. One part says this isn't a big deal and the other part still wants to run around like a headless chicken.

I wished he never told anyone but it happened and none of us can time travel. He apologized to me a lot and I could tell he felt bad. But in a way, I think it kind of makes me even more happy to be his friend. He was just trying to do good for me in a way he thought he had to. When I was freaking out over it he asked me why I couldn't just trust him that he would never push me out in front of a bus. It just kind of ended at us both saying we understood how each other felt. Do you think he knew what he was doing? Was he wrong? Am I wrong? I don't know how to sort this one out.

 

[Rolyo85]

The easiest solution - stop caring who knows. It's easier said than done, but it's really up to you. It's nobody's business but your own, and as such - nothing anybody has the right to an opinion of

Living with a secret is a burden. And you don't need to carry that burden.

 

[cliffdweller]

Your friend may have been misguided, but not wrong. He was clearly trying to help. You're feelings aren't wrong either, but I think you really ought to cut him a break. He obviously cares about you a lot, and it sounds like he might feel like you don't entirely trust him. Yes, I think he probably knew what he was doing - he probably knows his dad & brother well enough to know that they wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

[MoltenRock III]

You know you're fully out when you don't care who knows and / or assume everyone already knows you're gay.

Coming out is a process, not a one time / tell one friend kind of thing. Your discomfort with others knowing will fade, don't sweat it.

 

[fetaby]

This latest drama is all due to the fact that you have still not accepted that you are gay. You know you are, but you don't understand it.

 

[Kabluey]

In a weird kind of way, it might save some awkwardness - I guess you wouldn't have to out yourself again and again once it's in the public domain. It might make you more approachable to other guys.
Good luck.

 

[MascutarHero]

To be honest I feel the exact way, very wellsaid but what the guys are posting on here actually made me feel better, hope it has to you too

 

[pai mei]

i went through a little bit of that when i came out. i wanted to be the one to tell my close friends, (i hadnt told my family yet at the time) and i couldn't talk to one of my friends for a little bit, so i waited on telling this one friend. anyways, i found out when i did end up telling him that he already knew, and that a friend of mine told him. i felt kindof betrayed tbh. and he didn't tell him because he was trying to help me out, he told him because he was just gossiping.

anyways, i didn't know how to react. whether i should care at all, or what. i knew that it wasn't a very cool thing to do. but i just let it be, and moved on.

You know you're fully out when you don't care who knows and / or assume everyone already knows you're gay.

Coming out is a process, not a one time / tell one friend kind of thing. Your discomfort with others knowing will fade, don't sweat it.

this. you're still trying to control all the info because the info is hard for you to deal with... but that's perfectly normal. we have a 'coming out phase' for a reason afterall.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Vagabond,

You wrote:

But the thing is, that was months ago. His brother had known for months that I was gay and I didn't know that and I never would've known had he not told me. Everything was just normal, nothing changed at all. Nothing has changed at work or between his dad, his brother, and I at all. I guess that kinda speaks for itself.

Towards my opinion, this is the most important issue. Nothing has changed since they know you are gay, and not anymore 'a guy without a girlfriend'. So no big deal for them, and you know for sure you are working in an environment where people don't care if you are straight or gay, or anything in between.

So you might also ask yourself the question how it would be with other people in your surroundings, be it family, or friends or workmates or whatever, when these people would know you are not anymore 'a young guy without a girlfriend'.

I totally agree with the advise of 'Rolyo85': 'stop caring who knows'. Nothing has changed since your friend knows u r gay, and also nothing has changed when other people know u r gay. Maybe its likely that this will also happen with other people? If not, well then that's their problem, and not anymore your problem.

Take care