I don't want to be gay

[Lube]

Yes, Vagabond, technically your friend was wrong, but in the end it was the right thing for him to do.

If he hadn't told them then, honestly, how many hours, days, weeks, and months would you have stewed over whether to tell anyone else?!

You would have created all this fake drama in your head, and then when you came out to them, it would have been a big nothing. So thank him for what he did. For all the time and drama he saved you from.

Now that several people know, it will spread more. DON'T FREAK OUT. Instead, use that knowledge as a kick in the butt to get out there and reveal this fact to everyone you know--because if you don't do it soon, someone else will.

The cat's out of the bag. Accept that fact. It's now up to you to live your life honestly. "Coming out" now means just being yourself, not literally saying "I'm gay." When a friend says they want to get married some day, say that you wish people were open minded enough to let you get married. When friends say they want kids, tell them you're thinking of adopting. When family asks you when are you going to find a girlfriend, tell them you're looking for a boyfriend. Nowhere in any of these scenarios do you start the conversation by declaring, "I'm gay."

Understand?

P.S. Congratulations on coming out to your friend. That was very brave, and as anyone here can attest, a very hard but necessary first step. You have the strength to get through this. We all did. And we're all rooting for you.

 

[jamiedude00]

Vega, for anyone who's read the entire topic you've started and in the same boat as you, just understand that the comments given have really helped me as well. I'm on the verge of telling the most important friend I've ever had. I prayed for the guts to tell him, but instead was guided to write a letter. I finished the letter, felt anxious as fuck.. and I haven't even given it to him yet. I don't know when I will, but I'm pretty much on the point where enough is enough. It almost feels more uncomfortable dodging the hetro-lifestyle people assume I have and just accept who I really am. This topic has given me so much courage, to the point where I was just hiding under a blanket to now where I've actually written the letter that's going to change my life. I have to thank you for courage in what you've done and the encouragement of everyone else too.

Wow.. what an emotional rollercoaster.

 

[Rolyo85]

Heh, I know how it feels. I don't think I've ever been as scared as the moment I first came out to someone. Followed by the biggest feeling of relief I've ever experienced. I don't know how I didn't get an aneurism haha.


I have a suggestion for those who feel like me - arrange things so that you are cornered with the person you really want to tell but don't have the guts to. Trick yourself into not having a choice but to tell them. It works. And you can't find your inner strength completely until you tell someone face to face.

 

[Vagabond]

I have a suggestion for those who feel like me - arrange things so that you are cornered with the person you really want to tell but don't have the guts to. Trick yourself into not having a choice but to tell them. It works. And you can't find your inner strength completely until you tell someone face to face.

This is pretty much how it happened for me. I sent my friend a text message saying I had to talk to him about something we talked about before but I couldn't ever get all the way out. Then we eventually got to talk about it. He had to coach me a long some but it came out eventually. I also have to thank fellow poster Seasoned for all his help. I told him before coming out to my friend that I was going to. And knowing I had that support behind the scenes really helped a lot. It was simultaneously the scariest and most amazing moment of my life. Just that final sigh of relief at the end, wipe away the tears, and you just feel so alive for once in your life. Knowing that that final barrier between us was finally shattered, I could be around someone important to me without the armor, and just give myself a break. One step out of the past and into the future. It's kinda like getting into the pool that you know is gonna freeze your balls off. Trying to wade in kinda makes it worse. Just gotta take the plunge. Easier said than done, I know, but once in you're in that pool it doesn't seem so cold after a while.

I think I just need to realize that it IS a process and it won't get resolved over night. Or ever, completely. I see that guys even twice my age still don't have all the answers. Maybe there are no answers for some of the questions? Maybe answers don't really matter in the grand scheme of things? I guess my next step is to tell my parents. That still seems daunting. It's still hard to reconcile how much initial disappointment there might be. I know that I can be happy as a gay guy, but I think it's still going to hurt when my parents get the instinctual shock that I won't be fulfilling the expectations all parents have for their son. Find a nice chick, get married, big, cheesy wedding, have wonderful little kids with her, play catch with Little Billy while the Missus makes lemonade. Or them having to ask the same questions I ask myself: why their son would have to be different and what difficulties he's going to face because of it. I think those gut reactions are inevitable, even if they won't last for long. I guess I just need to prepare myself for them. I do wanna ask, would it be inappropriate for my friend to be there with me when I do decide to tell my parents?

It's hard to still label yourself as something you don't fully identify with, but the pieces slowly come together. Sometimes easily, sometimes painfully. Sometimes I do cry at night like I used to, sometimes I do get depressed. But I can say with no doubt at all that I feel more alive than I ever have and would never want to go back to where I was. When you want to suppress one part of you eventually you're going to suppress all of you. I think that is part of the process; reclaiming the parts of you that are still hiding, shoved down there somewhere. Honestly, even though it was just a month or so ago that I came out to my friend, it feels like such a long journey when I look back. As always, I wanna thank you all for the support. This place is such a great refuge when you can't find any other way to let it out. And I'm soooo happy to hear that sharing my experiences is helping other people, too. It's so much easier knowing you're not a lone.

 

[Kabluey]

Thanks for sharing.
Good to hear about this, especially when I'm trying to get my head around my own stuff.
Good luck

 

[Lube]

This is pretty much how it happened for me. I sent my friend a text message saying I had to talk to him about something we talked about before but I couldn't ever get all the way out. Then we eventually got to talk about it. He had to coach me a long some but it came out eventually. I also have to thank fellow poster Seasoned for all his help. I told him before coming out to my friend that I was going to. And knowing I had that support behind the scenes really helped a lot. It was simultaneously the scariest and most amazing moment of my life. Just that final sigh of relief at the end, wipe away the tears, and you just feel so alive for once in your life. Knowing that that final barrier between us was finally shattered, I could be around someone important to me without the armor, and just give myself a break. One step out of the past and into the future. It's kinda like getting into the pool that you know is gonna freeze your balls off. Trying to wade in kinda makes it worse. Just gotta take the plunge. Easier said than done, I know, but once in you're in that pool it doesn't seem so cold after a while.

I think I just need to realize that it IS a process and it won't get resolved over night. Or ever, completely. I see that guys even twice my age still don't have all the answers. Maybe there are no answers for some of the questions? Maybe answers don't really matter in the grand scheme of things? I guess my next step is to tell my parents. That still seems daunting. It's still hard to reconcile how much initial disappointment there might be. I know that I can be happy as a gay guy, but I think it's still going to hurt when my parents get the instinctual shock that I won't be fulfilling the expectations all parents have for their son. Find a nice chick, get married, big, cheesy wedding, have wonderful little kids with her, play catch with Little Billy while the Missus makes lemonade. Or them having to ask the same questions I ask myself: why their son would have to be different and what difficulties he's going to face because of it. I think those gut reactions are inevitable, even if they won't last for long. I guess I just need to prepare myself for them. I do wanna ask, would it be inappropriate for my friend to be there with me when I do decide to tell my parents?

It's hard to still label yourself as something you don't fully identify with, but the pieces slowly come together. Sometimes easily, sometimes painfully. Sometimes I do cry at night like I used to, sometimes I do get depressed. But I can say with no doubt at all that I feel more alive than I ever have and would never want to go back to where I was. When you want to suppress one part of you eventually you're going to suppress all of you. I think that is part of the process; reclaiming the parts of you that are still hiding, shoved down there somewhere. Honestly, even though it was just a month or so ago that I came out to my friend, it feels like such a long journey when I look back. As always, I wanna thank you all for the support. This place is such a great refuge when you can't find any other way to let it out. And I'm soooo happy to hear that sharing my experiences is helping other people, too. It's so much easier knowing you're not a lone.

a really beautiful post. I almost cried in my morning coffee.

As to your question: it's ok if you really need to bring someone along (if you think there might be violence or extreme reaction) but its usually better to do it yourself. Maybe you need a little more time to build up some inner strength & determination.

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi Vagabond,

I do wanna ask, would it be inappropriate for my friend to be there with me when I do decide to tell my parents?

I tend to advise you that it is a very good idea to take your friend with you when you have decided to tell your parents that you are gay. I have various reason why I think this is a good idea.

(1): your friend knows you very well and he supports you for >100%.
(2): likely, your parents know your friend very well, and, likely, your friend will have visited your parents / their house, many times. So no big deal if he is also around.
(3): you provide the possibility that its not only you, but also your friend who can answer alot of questions your parents might have. You can provide them with questions from your own perspective, he will answer this questions from his perspective (ie, a straight guy with a girlfriend who is your best friend since a very long time, and who will tell your parents that nothing has changed since u have told him u r gay).
(4): less scary for you, and your friend can also help you to begin (see also the reply given by 'Rolyo85').
(5): your friend can also tell, and again from his perspective, how things are right now going on at your job.


I tend to think that you should consider to tell it your parents soon. Towards my opinion, it is not excluded that, sooner or later, someone else will tell them / will make a remark (or whatever) about their 'gay son' who is working over there (etc.). I mean, there are people around you who know you are gay (and they don't mind at all), but such things 'go around'. Better be prepared? Be aware that these people might not know / might not be aware that you have not yet told this to your parents.

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I think it's still going to hurt when my parents get the instinctual shock that I won't be fulfilling the expectations all parents have for their son. Find a nice chick, get married, big, cheesy wedding, have wonderful little kids with her

Likely, your best friend will find a 'nice chick' (he already has a gf), and likely he will, sooner or later, marry her. Likely, you will be his witness, and, likely, he will organize a nice wedding.

He man, you will find a nice guy / bf. Why not? A lot are around, and when you open yourself to other guys, you will find one. No big deal. Why not organize a wedding party when both of you have decided to spend the rest of your life together? Its all up to you. Your best friend will be your witness, without any doubt. And you and your bf can make the wedding party as big as you want. Maybe some religious fundamentalists don't wanna visit such a wedding party, but that's not your problem. Do you think your boss and all other co-workers will refuse to join?

And when you would like to have some legal things arranged, well consider this as making a will. It something you need to arrange with a lawyer. Just separate both items from each other, straight couples call it a 'civil marriage'. Just paperwork.

Kids? Up to you and your bf. Towards my opinion, (your) parents cannot insist that you must provide them with grandchildern. That's something they cannot decide, and that means its totally up to you. Your parents can ask, but you (and your parter) are the ones who should decide.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[BlueEyesBoy]

Wow, couldn't stop reading this post. Vagabond, how are things now? I can't tell you how proud I am for you and I don't even know you. We've all been there at some point, life is probably still a roller coaster, right? Keep on being who you are and LOVE who you are, my brother.