I dove head-first into a relationship as soon as I turned 18. Now...

[thisisinteresting]

I'm just... realizing it? I'm 21 (He's 49, but that's not relevant as I only like older guys.). I guess it's relevant in that this seems to be one of those moments where a young guy realizes he doesn't know what he wants?

Let me start off by saying that I love this man to death. I can see myself being in a relationship with him for years and years and years. He's good to me, good for me, supportive of me (both morally and financially), and all around a good guy. This is where my issue is, I love him so much I don't want to hurt him.

This is my first relationship though, and I suddenly feel... locked in; for lack of better words I almost feel trapped. Not that being with him is bad, which trapped kinda implies. When I was just 17/barely 18, I met him through a hookup and he was the first genuine guy, the sex was great, and so I kinda... latched on. I was like this guy is great, I'm not letting him go. When you're 17 and only into older guys, finding a partner is helpless. I can't go to bars, I can't even go to 18+ clubs. And even when I could, clubs aren't my thing, and I wouldn't really find someone with similar interests at a club. So, I counted my lucky stars when finding a genuine guy when I was just looking for sex online.

Now I'm legal and recently an eye-opener was going to the local gay bar that is more bear/leather oriented (I'm really into the bear body type). I got so much attention it made my head spin. I was so embarrassed (I'm a really shy person), but it was quite fun. Now that I'm actually old enough to be out in the scene and see all these hot guys that I'll never get to have sex with; all these guys with amazing beards - I'll never get to experience kissing a guy with a beard (he despises facial hair, lol).

I feel like I'm having a mid-relationship crisis. Not that I want to go out and be a whore and just fuck all these dudes, but I want to experience the chance to like... explore? Does this make sense? Or am I just being a horny bastard?

How do I tell someone I've been in a relationship with for like 3 years that I suddenly am... not ready for a relationship?

Yesterday I at least broke the ice and told him I needed to "venture sexually" away from the relationship. He asked if I meant together or on my own, and all I could really say was the guys that I would choose would not be of his taste. He's told me he's not comfortable with sharing me, really. I don't blame him, but nonetheless, this feeling that I have is not going away.

Do people taking breaks from each other ever actually successfully get back together? I don't know that I've known anyone who took some time off, took a break, or did a trial seperation that ever ended up with them back together? Is this my only fate?

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to hurt him. I'm scared to explore these feelings because what if it's not all it's cracked up to be and I ruin a good thing over some curiosity? At the same time it's so much stronger than just "curiosity" at this point.

He asked if it's because of us not having sex as much as I would like. I told him I wasn't sure, perhaps it was part of it, but I don't know. So sexually I guess I am slightly dissatisfied by two things: I don't get it enough (perhaps I'm greedy or just young and horny but once a week sucks for me), and my turn ons are out of his comfort zone. Through our sexual escapades I have realized I'm really turned on by domination. I really want to be taken control of. But that's not his style. This part makes it worse because it's like, it's bad enough telling my boyfriend I want to have sex with other men, but now I want to be like... dominated? Hey babe you're too gentle I'm gonna have some other guy throw a leash on me and bite me while he's powerfucking me.

I feel like of all the turn-ons for him to not really fulfill, that would be a hard one to hear that someone wants fulfilled by someone else. You know? I don't want the sex to feel forced though if he's not into that.

I've been getting him bit by bit to reach further than his comfort zone - the last time we had sex I got him to be doing me from behind, kinda pinning me down and talking dirty in my ear.

So, I'm making progress with that, which makes me feel even worse about this situation. I don't know that it's really that I'm sexually dissatisfied (our sex is great), it might just be this curiosity factor? This feeling that I missed out on a phase that I wanted to enjoy.

I don't know how to approach this. I'm scared I'm going to ruin something special. This feeling isn't going to go away, though, is it?

 

[thisisinteresting]

You're acting like a normal (or at least an average) young 20-something. You're not a jerk or a bad person.

Cool. Thank you.

However, you do need to really think about this carefully.

I have been for weeks. It got to the point where I was losing sleep over these feelings.

A man in his 40's may not want to wait around while you sow your oats, so to speak. Then again, you don't want to feel that you may have missed out on your chance to explore and experience things that may not be possible in your existing relationship.

This is true. On the other hand he is far too busy at this point in his life to really try to date and find a boyfriend, I think. I'm worried I would leave him lonely and depressed and miserable. Not too long ago, he said, "man... my life would be so boring without you." While it was a nice compliment at the time, it made me feel responsible? I'm not sure if that's the word I'm looking for, but I feel bad if I ruin a good thing that I'll send him into a depressed world that I really don't want him to enter. He doesn't deserve that.

My advice would be to first figure out what it is that you truly desire and then you can go from there.

And no, the feeling is not going to go away.

I was afraid of that.

I'm pretty sure I truly desire... having sex with other men. It's so hard for me to even type it, much less say it. I try to sugar coat it but I... shouldn't. Sigh. I feel like there's no solution. It's like... my happiness or his. And I promised myself to put myself before all others; I'm too self-sacrificing to please other people.

As much as it may sound like I've got any of this figured out, I would value more input please. I still just... don't know.

 

[matt1980111]

I've seen this happen plenty of times. You're young and have been involved in such a serious relationship for so long. You kinda want to experience what's out there.

Like the previous people have written before me, the only way to handle this situation is confront it head on. Talk to him. Tell him exactly how he feels.

If you don't, you'll not only eventually hurt him (by cheating or whatever) but more importantly, you'll be doing yourself a disservice. Talk to him.

 

[bankside]

You answered your own question:

How do I tell someone I've been in a relationship with for like 3 years that I suddenly am... not ready for a relationship?

You'd tell him just like that.

If you believe it is true, then you really have to live with the fact that you're not ready. It means you don't get to hold on to him while you experiment. It means you have your eye set on a different path.

You've been fair. You've told him, and so many people don't have the balls for that. But it is not going away. So, you might even be able to get him to "share you." But it is not his dream, is it? Would you stand aside so he has a shot with someone else? Someone who wants what he wants, and is ready for it?

 

[Audio Tech]

I'm totally not qualified here, but I'll toss in my .02 cents anyway.

Your BF is in his 40's, like myself. We have both lived through the AIDS epidemic and have probably both seen many of our friends die.

I think the reason he's not comfortable with you exploring your sexual desires is because he worries that you'll end up catching something. My guess is that you are "safe" for him since you met so early.

I know I would feel the same way as I am seeking a "safe" relationship myself. It sucks having to worry about STD's and HIV.
To find someone who is clean and faithful is a treasure in a world where most just want to fuck around. Honestly, I'd have a lot less inhibitions myself if there were no potentially lifelong consequences.

But does that help maybe see where HE is coming from? I think us older (and still healthy) guys are more careful.

But of course, someone will likely tell me I'm wrong. That's OK, it's only an opinion.


But I do understand where you come from, and it IS normal at your age to go forth and explore. The only reason I am still alive today is because I was soo deep in the closet at your age, and scared to death to catch this new disease that was killing everyone around me. But I would rather have had all the sex I could possibly get. And back then, I would NOT have used condoms.

It's a normal thing at your age. Talk to him about it.

And whatever you decide, Just be safe, ALWAYS.

 

[youngnihilist]

^I don't think that's why his partner is worried. Quite frankly, he doesn't want to share.

Even though you're into older guys and that's all dandy you have to realize a lot of older guys want to settle down and you want to mess around some more. That's fine. He doesn't own you so you do what you like!

 

[Lube]

Now I'm legal and recently an eye-opener was going to the local gay bar that is more bear/leather oriented (I'm really into the bear body type). I got so much attention it made my head spin. I was so embarrassed (I'm a really shy person), but it was quite fun. Now that I'm actually old enough to be out in the scene and see all these hot guys that I'll never get to have sex with; all these guys with amazing beards - I'll never get to experience kissing a guy with a beard (he despises facial hair, lol).

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to hurt him. I'm scared to explore these feelings because what if it's not all it's cracked up to be and I ruin a good thing over some curiosity? At the same time it's so much stronger than just "curiosity" at this point.

Through our sexual escapades I have realized I'm really turned on by domination. I really want to be taken control of. But that's not his style. This part makes it worse because it's like, it's bad enough telling my boyfriend I want to have sex with other men, but now I want to be like... dominated? Hey babe you're too gentle I'm gonna have some other guy throw a leash on me and bite me while he's powerfucking me.

Damn, that's hot. But seriously... you can't live your life for him, as you're kinda figuring out now.

It's like... my happiness or his. And I promised myself to put myself before all others; I'm too self-sacrificing to please other people.

Exactly.

And as a 40-something year-old, he must know that you'd probably get to this stage.

You are not responsible for his happiness; you're responsible for yours.

You seem like a nice guy. You seem to be handling this with grace and tact. Just talk to him about it. Make it clear that it's not a passing phase.

The rest is up to him.

But from your description, it sounds like you're craving something a little edgier, a little furrier ( ) (and a little more often).

Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Seasoned]

Confrontation, even loving done, can be difficult. I'm wondering whether this topic was brought up when you moved in with him. It stands to reason that you reach the wanting to explore stage while he gets more and more comfortable with settling in.

Is moving out an option at this point for you? It's not a good reason to stay together, but be prepared for fireworks and needing somewhere to stay.

I heard of cases where the older guy understood and remained friends with the younger guy, but do be prepared for anything.

As with most decisions, saying yes to something means saying no to something else. Maybe you ought to try living on your own for a while.

Good luck to you.

I've been with my partner a long time and we ask for kinky things from each other with no judgements. Role play can work and it might be worth a try.

 

[Tee-Jay]

I think , that you need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend. During this time you should present all your grievances/desires, so that everything is out in the open. Also you should let your boyfriend fully express how he feels about the current roadblock in the relationship. After all communication is a two-way street and I think that you'll both understand each other better, if both parties say whats on their mind. Be honest and don't sugarcoat anything, but also implore some tact as to not seem malicious. From what you have included he seems to be a great guy, which is rare nowadays. Quite honestly I think that you both are in different phases in your lives at the moment. Despite the age gap, I think you are just beginning to awaken sexually and you're just figuring out what sort of things you like. On the other hand, I think he's at the point where a long term commitment is the deal of the day. In my opinion though a factor, age isn't really the big issue because there are a lot of guy in their 30's, 40's and 50's who want nothing with commitment and who are just in it to get off. While there are guys in their 20's that want to settle down. Its just a matter of preference. Maybe your boyfriend can give you a 6 month sabatical to find yourself sexually and then you guys can re-evaluate the relationship. However don't expect him to wait around though, because that would be unfair. You live your life and he lives his for said time period and if you guys are both in the same positive headspace then you give the relationship another go. Don't make any promises and don't lead each other on. Remember all actions have consequences and by seeking greener pastures you may realized that everything you wanted all along was in this guy, if you had taken the time to read between the lines. Or you may discover that he wasn't the guy for you. Anyways hopes this helps and good luck.

 

[thisisinteresting]

To find someone who is clean and faithful is a treasure in a world where most just want to fuck around. Honestly, I'd have a lot less inhibitions myself if there were no potentially lifelong consequences.

But does that help maybe see where HE is coming from? I think us older (and still healthy) guys are more careful.

You have a point. Hogwash @ the unqualified statement, just being closer to his age gives you a perspective I don't have, and I appreciate it. While I don't think it's his main concern, I'm sure that worries him as well. When I first asked him out of curiosity how he would feel about us/me having an open relationship, his first response was "well we'd have to start using condoms..."

And as a 40-something year-old, he must know that you'd probably get to this stage.

You are not responsible for his happiness; you're responsible for yours.

You seem like a nice guy. You seem to be handling this with grace and tact. Just talk to him about it. Make it clear that it's not a passing phase.

The rest is up to him.

But from your description, it sounds like you're craving something a little edgier, a little furrier ( ) (and a little more often).

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Oh god. That... reminds me. His last boyfriend left him like this. I remember inquiring about him after I saw a picture and it eventually got to me asking how it ended. He said, "He just... decided he didn't want a boyfriend anymore." And uh... the worst part is he ended up hiv positive. Ah... fuckin' A. Wow. I... uh... that's... I didn't even think about that.

Confrontation, even loving done, can be difficult. I'm wondering whether this topic was brought up when you moved in with him.

Oh, we don't live together. We live within a 10 minute walk from each other, but not together. He needs his own space.

Maybe your boyfriend can give you a 6 month sabatical to find yourself sexually and then you guys can re-evaluate the relationship. However don't expect him to wait around though, because that would be unfair.

Yeah... This is kinda what I had been thinking about, I guess I'm just scared to ask.

Remember all actions have consequences and by seeking greener pastures you may realized that everything you wanted all along was in this guy, if you had taken the time to read between the lines. Or you may discover that he wasn't the guy for you. Anyways hopes this helps and good luck.

And this is why. It seems so logical that staying with a good guy is the better choice, but man... Can I just blame testosterone? Like... do I really expect to get more sex as a single guy? I don't know what it is that appeals about it.

 

[KaraBulut]

...and I suddenly feel... locked in; for lack of better words I almost feel trapped. Not that being with him is bad, which trapped kinda implies.
...

I don't know how to approach this. I'm scared I'm going to ruin something special. This feeling isn't going to go away, though, is it?

You are trapped. Like a canary in a gilded cage.

You have several choices.

• You can stay where you are at and always wonder what life is like outside the cage. You can paint an ideal picture that there's all these great clubs and great people and great sex that you're missing.
• You can try to work out some arrangement with your partner that allows you to go out and play all you want. Of course, if you're dependent upon him for financial support or assistance, you may lose that in the process. Or he might trade you in for a more dependable version of the same.
• You can end the relationship and take your chances.

What you can't do is have it both ways. And you can't expect to cheat and not get caught.

This has little to do with age or sexuality- it happens to lots of guys in relationships who look around and wonder what they're missing out on.

But it is a good reason why dating and playing around before settling down is a good thing. There's a lot of assholes and fucked up people that you end up dating before you find the good ones. Going through that process makes you appreciate the good ones.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You are the perfect example of why older guys should avoid LTRs "for life" with young 18-21 year-olds. It's a natural impulse! After growing up through the all the sexual repression crap of our society, it's nearly impossible for one to only want one dick for the rest of his life.

That's the way of things...

 

[thisisinteresting]

Almost cheated on him. Have been up all night, periodically crying. I have to break up with him out of respect for him as a person... I won't be able to control myself in the future... and I will put myself in that position again.

Did I fall out of love with him? Does it even make sense for me to break up with him out of love because I don't want to hurt him more by cheating on him? Or is that me sugarcoating it, and just not wanting to hurt him out of respect?

I've never had to break up with someone. I already have a hard time with getting the correct words from my brain to my mouth.

Oh fuck. Deep breaths. I can do this. Thinking about it makes my chest feel like it's exploding.

 

[soulseeker]

Hi.

I can sympathize much with you since I am in a similar situation like you. I am 21 year old and currently involve with a 50-something. But my case is a little bit differently, he understand from the start that he will only be my friend. I will only provide him companionship and occasional "fun". I guess I am fortunate in that regard. I just feel like you need to take things slow, reevaluate your goals. Sex with strangers like many have said can be risky and dangerous especially with the new super HIV. Can you tell him that I realize that I am not at the point in my life to share an exclusive sexual relationship with a great person like you; however, we can still remain friends and get together sometimes if you would like? That still gives him the options. Hope things work out for you. Life is not easy

If you want to talk some more, I can share my stories of dating olders. PM me. Thanks.

 

[hotatlboi]

Does it even make sense for me to break up with him out of love because I don't want to hurt him more by cheating on him?

That makes perfect sense, and it's the right thing to do.

 

[thisisinteresting]

I was in a relationship at 17, lived with an older guy (22) part time as a way of getting away from the drama of my parent's house and the shit at school. It was horrendous to say the least man, this guy basically just wanted a free maid I think we only ever got intimate like once or twice...always fought...

This just made me laugh.

Hopefully you don't generalize older guys from your experience with a 22 year old. We're crazy.

Left it open to two choices, breaking it off or an open relationship. He wants to think about it since he doesn't like either choice... naturally. So I have no resolution yet... but just being honest with myself and truly communicating my feelings for the first time in my life felt so good. I feel quite relieved. Will have to see how this turns out.

I appreciate the words, peoples.

 

[thisisinteresting]

The tentative plan is a break from the relationship for a month, then to see where I am/where we stand. I started a journal about it at 5am and ended up typing up a tangent of word vomit that flowed through my fingers and became a blog post. Now I'd like to post it as a blog on this forum but I can't figure it out.

 

[palemale]

Sow your oats, but please, please, please be safe. Always use condoms. I know a couple young (twenties) guys who became HIV+ in the last year. Don't compromise your health.

 

[thisisinteresting]

For sure. I didn't take the condom off in my monogamous relationship until we both got tested after we had been together for a while.

I've had sex twice since the break and it's been pretty amazing. I'm worried the boyfriend won't be able to step it up enough for me. This makes me sad. I do really love the guy. I don't want to hurt him. Sigh~

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Yes, it's basically over.