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I envy all of u who know!

D

djmigra

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Man I get frustrated reading some of these posts on here! I'm so envious of those who have accepted being gay, come out, etc etc. It's become an almost daily thing for me..am I gay, am I not gay, am I gay, am I not gay. I'm pretty sure my thought processes are just due to brainwashing growing up. I feel like dating women, even though I find them attractive, is forcing something. I dread anytime I may have to get sexual. I come up with excuse after excuse to get away, then before I know it I'm beating off to gay porn. I just haven't come to the acceptance of, ok, I can date a guy and have a relationship. I want to date a woman and be sexual with her. I love the company of women, but I'm about up to 100% of all sexual fantasies being gay. I justify it by thinking "I'm not gay, they're just fantasies". Anyhow...just wanted to rant.
 
djmigra said:
Man I get frustrated reading some of these posts on here! I'm so envious of those who have accepted being gay, come out, etc etc. It's become an almost daily thing for me..am I gay, am I not gay, am I gay, am I not gay. I'm pretty sure my thought processes are just due to brainwashing growing up. I feel like dating women, even though I find them attractive, is forcing something. I dread anytime I may have to get sexual. I come up with excuse after excuse to get away, then before I know it I'm beating off to gay porn. I just haven't come to the acceptance of, ok, I can date a guy and have a relationship. I want to date a woman and be sexual with her. I love the company of women, but I'm about up to 100% of all sexual fantasies being gay. I justify it by thinking "I'm not gay, they're just fantasies". Anyhow...just wanted to rant.
Click to expand...

Things will happen in time.

Perhaps journaling would get you in touch with your feelings.
 
I made my first post on JUB minutes ago and I can honestly tell you that a good rant is one of the most therapeutic things in the world!

I really relate to "I feel like dating women, even though I find them attractive, is forcing something. " I find women very attractive too, but I think I can only be comfortable with a man sexually, even though it hasn't happened yet. I think journalling, as previously suggested, would be very healthy for you :)

Good Luck! and much love
 
The hardest person to come out to is one's self. No one wants to be different in a way that makes them uncomfortable. What you are going through is normal for a lot of gays. Nothing has to be figured out or accepted today. JUST DON'T GET MARRIED LIKE I DID. I'd have sex with her and then go beat off to a male fantasy.

I know where you are coming from. It is possible to get to the point where you will accept being gay as another form of normal. Some of us are gay. It's another part we have to accept, like nose size, hair color, etc if we want to be at peace.

Limit yourself to how much you think/worry about this. Make sure you're taking care of business. If you pray, pray. If you meditate, meditate. If nature calms you, be out in nature. Trust me. If you remain open, self-acceptance will come.
 
I appreciate the replies. I like this forum, as I have never told anyone so much as a peep about these thoughts. Although, if i died in a car wreck today whoever cleaned out my place would find an external hard drive with about 250 GB full of nothing but naken men and gay porn and put two and two together....lol. I keep telling myself I'm gonna delete it all..but it just seems to keep growing.
 
Hi,
Don't envy us, join us and remember everyone has been down the path you are just starting, and self acceptance is the first step. I remember standing in front of a mirror and saying "I am gay" literally, the truth dawned. Reading your post you are gay, I know that, but you have not accepted it, after the mirror try writing it down, put a post on here, "I am gay", see how it feels, and it feels good, all these small physical acts are the first steps, and in time you won't need to envy people who are out as you will be one of us.
Good Luck.
 
Smitho,
Thanx for the reply. I've tried looking in the mirror and had deep conversations with myself over this. I'm still not 100% sure, as I'm thinking maybe someday these fantasies might just disappear...which is probably just wishful thinking on my part.
 
First of all, it's not that big of a deal in 2011 to be gay. I don't want to minimize your situation but if their are toxic people in your life (for instance family members that are anit-gay), perhaps that is causing the hangups. Back in the 80's when it was a big deal to fuck men, I moved to a large city (away from family and college friends including fraternity brothers) because I wanted the freedome to figure out who I was. A little courage goes a long way.
 
Welcome to JUB djmigra!

Don't feel like you to have rush into anything. Don't be envious, jealous... just be YOU. Everyone who's come out has gone through a time when we thought we would never be as out and proud as we are today. You'll figure out who you are when it's right for you to have figured it out.

Use this board as a sounding board - don't be afraid to post your questions, thoughts, and fears. Think of everyone here as a big brother who's been down the same road as you.... we'll listen, we'll support, sometimes we'll tell you what you are doing is stupid, but in the end we all care.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!
 
djmigra said:
Smitho,
Thanx for the reply. I've tried looking in the mirror and had deep conversations with myself over this. I'm still not 100% sure, as I'm thinking maybe someday these fantasies might just disappear...which is probably just wishful thinking on my part.
Click to expand...

You know 100%, thats why you are posting here, you are just not prepared to admit it. It takes time with some guys, don't stress to much, and let it come. But don't rush out and get married to a woman to try and cover it over either. I am sure you are not going to change and I am sure you are gay, 100%, give it a bit of time. When you can admit it to yourself, you can admit it to others, and then you can start to grow into the gay man you are. Don't worry about it to much, and it will come naturally.
Good luck, and the gold at the end of the rainbow makes the journey worthwhile.
 
Smitho said:
You know 100%, thats why you are posting here, you are just not prepared to admit it. It takes time with some guys, don't stress to much, and let it come. But don't rush out and get married to a woman to try and cover it over either. I am sure you are not going to change and I am sure you are gay, 100%, give it a bit of time. When you can admit it to yourself, you can admit it to others, and then you can start to grow into the gay man you are. Don't worry about it to much, and it will come naturally.
Good luck, and the gold at the end of the rainbow makes the journey worthwhile.
Click to expand...

I actually wish i knew 100%, I was posting hoping to hear from anyone with similar stories. I just never really thought I was 100% gay because it seems kinda weird to be romantic with a man and others on here seem to have known that's what they wanted since they were little. I do know that I've felt different since I was little. I feel like it's just my dirty little masturbation secret, that I love gay porn. But now that I'm to the point of where I can't remember that last time I jacked off to a woman, thinking pussy is kinda gross, and trying to avoid any sexual situations with girls I'm really starting to battle in my head if this is just fantasy jacking off material or I'm full fledged gay. Feels good to have an outlet on here to post since I've never told a soul about these fantasies, I just make up stories about chicks when I'm around friends.
 
djmigra said:
I actually wish i knew 100%, I was posting hoping to hear from anyone with similar stories. I just never really thought I was 100% gay because it seems kinda weird to be romantic with a man and others on here seem to have known that's what they wanted since they were little. I do know that I've felt different since I was little. I feel like it's just my dirty little masturbation secret, that I love gay porn. But now that I'm to the point of where I can't remember that last time I jacked off to a woman, thinking pussy is kinda gross, and trying to avoid any sexual situations with girls I'm really starting to battle in my head if this is just fantasy jacking off material or I'm full fledged gay. Feels good to have an outlet on here to post since I've never told a soul about these fantasies, I just make up stories about chicks when I'm around friends.
Click to expand...

I relate to you perfectly. I am very attracted to women, i even have my 'type' but i find difficulty finding myself to be physically aroused whereas with men, it's easy. Also, i haven't done anything yet because like you, i'm still figuring it out, but it's okay to be unsure
 
You're not different. I was the same way for a long time. I think for some reason there is this point in the coming out phase where you think guys are for sex and women are for relationships. Keep working through it. At some point you will find a guy that is relationship material and it'll all start to make sense. I came out just over five years ago with a lot of help from JUB. Haven't been back here in a LONG time. You'll get there just as I did. I have yet to find a suitable long term relationship. But there have been a couple of guys along the way that made me realize that is, in fact, possible. It very much sounds like you are gay and you are just going through a process that hundreds of us have traveled before. Don't worry, take your time and it'll all come together.
 
in case this is still a question: from what youve written, its fairly obvious that youre gay. not straight, not bisexual, but gay. so there it is.

take your time. with accepting it, with coming out to yourself, and eventually, to others. but stop 'questioning'. stop thinking it may stop, or you can will it away. it wont and you cant. youre gay.

congratulations!
 
Thanks to everyone who's been replying. It's nice to hear from others that can relate. I hope i can take that next step someday and see if it works dating a guy. I'm a little tired of feeling deep down that I'm forcing something with females, even though I'm attracted to them. I think deep down I know the reason is because I'm gay, just trying to come to grips with it.
 
I think everyone understands where you are coming from, and everyone has tried to fake it for a bit, who wants the hassle of being gay! But then slowly the light dawns and you realize that to be in any degree happy you have to accept who you are and what you need in life. A fun filled and happy life is only going to come out of making the leap. I hope you have the courage to keep looking and come to the right decision.
 
djmigra, I can relate to you and to most of the other comments on this page. I feel that i am attracted to women, but I know how much more attracted to men I am. And even though while I recognize this, I still feel as you do, almost "forcing" (good word to use) an attraction to women. What makes me more sure that I might be gay is that when I envision my future, I see myself with a man. Although I can't help but wonder about women.

Guys like us just need time, and after having more experiences the answers will be clear.
 
elGeniuoso1721 said:
djmigra, I can relate to you and to most of the other comments on this page. I feel that i am attracted to women, but I know how much more attracted to men I am. And even though while I recognize this, I still feel as you do, almost "forcing" (good word to use) an attraction to women. What makes me more sure that I might be gay is that when I envision my future, I see myself with a man. Although I can't help but wonder about women.

Guys like us just need time, and after having more experiences the answers will be clear.
Click to expand...

I don't envision my future with a man, but rather a woman. But i'm thinking thats just the brainwashing part of growing up hearing about how wrong it is to be gay and my wishful thinking that i'll end up with a woman. Wish I had the answers, I just know that I make up stories about chicks when I'm with friends, when anyone talks about gay stuff I think "damn I hope no one notices anything about me right now!", I can't remember the last time I jacked off thinking of a girl or to an image of a girl....and I just wanna scream "I'm gay!" but don't wanna jump the gun in case i'm not, lol. This forum and peoples responses are really helping me sort some things out and deep down I do hope that I am gay, just to make things simpler, if that makes sense.
 
Smitho said:
Hi,
Don't envy us, join us and remember everyone has been down the path you are just starting, and self acceptance is the first step. I remember standing in front of a mirror and saying "I am gay" literally, the truth dawned. Reading your post you are gay, I know that, but you have not accepted it, after the mirror try writing it down, put a post on here, "I am gay", see how it feels, and it feels good, all these small physical acts are the first steps, and in time you won't need to envy people who are out as you will be one of us.
Good Luck.
Click to expand...

well...just an update, i have looked in the mirror everyday and told myself, "i am gay". Its something that I feel deep down I know that I probably am. I haven't told anyone, but I feel like if I post it on here, that could be the first step in accepting myself. So, for whoever is reading this and cares one way or the other, this is my first time I have told anyone.....I'm gay
 
djmigra,
I am exactly in your position, except I date girls, hoping that each one will somehow convert me away from the dark side. When I masturbate to straight porn, I can certainly get myself off, but gay porn just seems so much more natural and satisfying. Yet what I keep thinking I yearn for is the company of a woman and a relationship with a woman. The problem is, though, that when you date women, they expect you to lust after them, get physical, get hard, etc. And when this seems like a task - as it has for me - I think the self-realization of homosexuality comes into play. I have probably dated a dozen or more girls in the last two years, but no men. I have never so much as kissed a male. A couple of the girls of dumped me, but in most cases I have ended it. I never explain why, and I just continue my self-denial, hoping that the next girl will somehow be the one who really turns me on. It is in many respects cruel to do this, yet I can't restrain myself from finding the next girl. I am, like you, still envisioning I'll spend my life with a girl. Each day I dwell on it though, and eventually, like you, I'll have to finally accept it: I, too, am gay.

It is what it is, bro. Neither religion nor evolution has a good explanation for it; we simply are what we are. Fuck.
 
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