I feel defective.

[smg89e]

I've been posting here for years, but I decided to make a new account because of reasons.

I'm 23, I live in Florida, and in an effort to distance myself from any appearance of narcissism, my friends tell me that I'm gorgeous, hilarious, smart, etc. etc. etc. I didn't come out until I moved away from home to go to college in 2010. I went to a large public university in a fairly liberal city. Once I was there, I felt so liberated and was able to fully embrace my sexuality. For the first year, I tried asking guys out, but they all either rejected me or ignored me. It was a major blow to my ego.

Then I met a (gay) guy and completely fell for him. We became friends and what followed was a five-month period of constant frustration on my end. I felt like we were constantly teetering on "going there", but nothing ever happened. He led me on. I thought that he was into me, but he was just ambivalent. He eventually moved away and I never really got closure. He was the only guy I've ever loved.

Then this other guy came along who was SO easy to talk to. We got along even better than the other guy and I had. I felt like things were definitely looking positive, and all of my friends agreed. He was giving me all of the signs, like asking me if I had any guys in my life, complimenting me on my looks, always asking me questions about myself and wanting to know things about me, using lots of smiley faces in his text messages, etc. In that first week, we got to know each other so well that it felt like we had been friends for months. The problem was that I was going to be graduating and moving away in a matter of weeks, so I was completely distraught as to what I should do. Figuring that I should take advantage of the time I had left, I asked him if he saw this going anywhere and he gave me the whole "You're sweet but I was only interested in you as a friend" thing. I was heartbroken and I left college with open wounds.

There's a guy I met through the internet last year whom I have a major crush on. We used to talk often and I even mailed him baked goods for Valentine's Day. We seemed to be getting close, but once again I feel like he has pulled away and lost interest and doesn't give a damn about me anymore.

I graduated at the end of last year and have been living with my parents for the past four months. I have a heap of "more important" problems, but when it comes down to it, my emotional needs are what I think of when I go to bed at night. I feel completely defective. Throughout my years in college, I never found even one boy to make out with. Every boy that I liked was indifferent to me and was only interested in being casual friends. No matter how many times I invited boys over for dinner, it always ended with us awkwardly sitting on the couch before he had to leave. I've never been on a good date. I've never held a boy's hand. I've never seen another guy naked, much less touched one sexually. I'm obviously a virgin, and I feel like much more of a minority because of that than I do as a homosexual or as a Latino. I've never cuddled with a guy, I've never kissed a guy while sober, I've never had anyone show me that I am capable of being loved. Combined with my perpetual unemployability and my homophobic Christian parents, I'm at the lowest point that I've ever been in my life. I saw multiple therapists last year, but they could only do so much. I feel like I'm stuck in a pattern of having constant romantic/sexual failure, and at 23 I just don't see it changing. Every time a new friend finds out that I'm a virgin or that I've never had a boyfriend, they are always completely shocked and it makes me feel terrible. I feel like college was my opportunity to have my first sexual experiences, and if I couldn't even find anyone who wanted to mess around with me in college then how can I expect to find someone elsewhere? I guess in the back of my mind I keep thinking "it gets better" and that maybe one day I'll move to San Francisco or something and suddenly people will actually be interested in me, but life isn't a fairy tale and things rarely work out.

If you've made it this far then I'm sorry that you're this bored. I just needed a place to vent everything that I've been feeling for the past few months.

 

[Seasoned]

Since you are starting over here I'm going to welcome you and let you know that starting fresh is a good thing.

As far as "feeling" defective is concerned you need to realize that "defective" is not a feeling. This is a thought you are having and you might be "feeling" sad or ashamed or even angry because of it. College didn't live up to your hopes in terms of relationships and/or sex. It doesn't for a lot of people, so don't be discouraged by that. You seem to have a romantic quality about you and that means chemistry with someone is more important to you than merely having sex. It's going to happen and probably when you stop concentrating on what you don't have and what you haven't done.

How about concentrating on making friends and on relaxing and enjoying life as much as possible? We all give off vibes and most people are drawn to people who are confident about themselves and/or their interests. You don't need to be so forthcoming as to your lack of experience. Try to act "as if" and I'll bet the response to you will be totally different.

Find some activity or take a class at the local community college to get you around a bunch of people. It seems to me you have everything going for you except confidence. Good luck and come back often.

 

[palbert]

Welcome to JUB, altho I wish the circumstances in your post were better. Are there any LGBT groups near where you live? What about the gay church, Metropolitan Community Church? And, what about the gay beaches. Best of luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

Hello, and welcome (again?).

First of all, let me tell you that my college years war hilariously bad, I was in total denial and never got to do anything with anyone. I was 25 when I came out, lost my virginity etc etc etc. And I'm having the time of my life now. It (wait for it!) gets better. But for that to happen, we have to confront the uncomfortable truths about ourselves.

And if you think you are attractive (which, despite your currently low self esteem you clearly do), then there is a problem with your personality that puts guys off. I am not being judgmental, just trying to get to the core of the issue. I will make a guess or two, which are based on what you posted. I might be totally off track of course, because what you've posted is nowhere near a complete picture of your situation.

First of all, you were quick to use the word "first guy I ever loved" for a boy who you were never really romantic with. You say you were seeing signals, but it never went anywhere. That tells me two things. First, you are prone to be melodramatic (nothing wrong with that, I'm the same way) and calling things with big names which aren't really appropriate. Love is a strong, complex, deep emotion that has to be nurtured on both ends. Anything less than that is simple crushing or infatuation. Second - that you have difficulty with direct communication. "Signals" are for high school dating games. In real life you have to communicate with the person you are interested with, or you will never really know.

Second, your post shows a lot of frustration. I feel for you, but a guy who meets you and senses this, will be put off by it. Nobody likes to be the object of somebody's great hopes and dreams, that's too much pressure. You need to be less focused on how much you want a boyfriend, sex etc. because that just creates an intensity that is off-putting.

And third, you've got to purge yourself of those feelings of low self-worth. There is nothing wrong with you, you're not unlovable, undesirable or anything like that. But if you believe you are, everyone else will too. If you can't like yourself, how could anybody else? Why should anybody else?


There is a whole different side to this problem, having to do with the closet. Are you out? Were the guys you were interested in out? How free are you with expressing your sexuality in public? Because trust me, the further away you are from living an open and confident life, the harder any romance becomes.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re-welcome to JUB!

It's funny how many of our friends would say about us "you're cute, you're nice, you're a great person, and you'll make a great boyfriend"...but they leave off te "for the right guy". Even attractive, well-grounded, smart, funny guys aren't automatically somebody people feel attracted to. There still needs to be a spark, a "click", something at attracts them on a romantic or sexual level rather than just a friendly level.

My suggestion would be to just let the cards fall where they may. You might not be great boyfriend material right now, though - being underemployed and having low self-esteem might attract the wrong sorts of people. Just keep working on yourself. Being virginal at your age isn't anything to be ashamed of. I was in precisely the same spot, and I like to think I turned out OK.

Lex

 

[chrisw87]

As everyone else has already mentioned the juicy stuff I will just say this.

I have been in 2 great relationships, and actually experienced love, so I am content with that knowledge. However it has been around 2 years since my last relationship. I don't ACTIVELY look, because I wait till there is a personality spark. These things take time and don't benefit from anxiety.

Go with the flow, make friends and enjoy your college. Don't stress about sex.

 

[G-Lexington]

Chris gave a very good point above.

It's never a good time for a bad relationship.
It's never a bad time for a good relationship.

Lex

 

[altlover85]

smg89e, I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you. You've recieved a lot of great advice already, so I'm just going to add in my 2 cents.

If I were you, I'd focus on finding a job and moving out. I was unemployed for 2.5 years and it sucked and was depressing. If I had been single during that time, I'm sure I wouldn't have been attractive to people.

As far as college goes, I was in the opposite position you were. I had a boyfriend, but because I wasn't in the best relationship, my college years were so different than what I expected, and I missed out on the traditional college experience. My point is, there's no reason to think that a relationship is going to make your life better. Relationships come with their own set of responsiblities.

Good luck! It definitely can get better, but sometimes we have to make it better by improving the things we can work on (such as a job and moving out) and putting other goals (like a bf) on the back burner.

 

[chrisw87]

smg89e, I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you. You've recieved a lot of great advice already, so I'm just going to add in my 2 cents.

If I were you, I'd focus on finding a job and moving out. I was unemployed for 2.5 years and it sucked and was depressing. If I had been single during that time, I'm sure I wouldn't have been attractive to people.

As far as college goes, I was in the opposite position you were. I had a boyfriend, but because I wasn't in the best relationship, my college years were so different than what I expected, and I missed out on the traditional college experience. My point is, there's no reason to think that a relationship is going to make your life better. Relationships come with their own set of responsiblities.

Good luck! It definitely can get better, but sometimes we have to make it better by improving the things we can work on (such as a job and moving out) and putting other goals (like a bf) on the back burner.

I have a big problem with this currently. I feel the exact same way, and currently I am financially struggling. Not terribly, but not living comfortably. Because of this I can't have room in my budget for the typical dating that I enjoy. While I am open to relationships if they occur, I would be rather hesitant at starting anything willy nilly.

Chris gave a very good point above.

It's never a good time for a bad relationship.
It's never a bad time for a good relationship.

Lex

Thanks lex, just what I was looking to say. Though I love to ramble and lose track of what I am typing.

 

[igotmail333]

I have a similar situation here. And I have written a long-winded post that garnered no reply.
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/com...new-gay-scene-tried-hooked-up-have-crush.html

After unemployed from January, I started to flirt with and eventually meet people from the hooked up site. Then I fell for a guy. I guess I am melodramatic. I think I am having an issue of low self-esteemed too.

Thank god that you started this thread that I could draw some useful advice from the reply.


p/s I try to take down or trim my post but I could not do that. Can anyone tell me how to do it ?

 

[KaraBulut]

In the big picture of what's going on with your life, you've got other more pressing issues probably- like getting a job in a tough market, like getting out on your own, like meeting people and making new friends. It's easy to be in the mode of "if I just had a boyfriend...". The reality is that being a relationship when you don't have your life together is not good for anyone.

Don't focus on your lack of a boyfriend. Focus on your career. Focus on getting on better ground financially. Focus on meeting people and developing a network of friends.

In situations where guys put you in the friend zone or when you're sitting on the couch not knowing how to make the next move, maybe you do need to do some thinking about the guys that you're attracted to and what your expectations are. Most guys will tell you that the first person they kissed and the first person they fucked are not the relationships that lasted. Dating is full of mishaps and missed opportunities and misfires.

You might also give some thought to this- for every guy that you go out with who says, "I just want to be friends", there's probably another guy you know who is saying about you, "Why isn't he interested in me?".

 

[smg89e]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

palbert -- There are no such groups where I live. Florida, especially suburban Florida, is a cesspool of heterocentrism.

Rolyo85 -- I definitely loved my friend that I mentioned, however, I never said that I was IN love with him. I think there is a significant difference there. I cared about him on a level that I've never cared about someone, and even though we haven't spoken in many months, he is still someone I think about nearly every day and I wish the best for him in life. Love appears in many forms and doesn't necessarily have to be mutual in order to be valid. I agree with you about the "signals" game, but unfortunately I do think it's something that is still necessary in modern dating. I suppose it also doesn't help that every time I've directly communicated with someone about "us" it has always ended badly. And regarding the "out" situation -- I am/was completely out and so was every guy that I was involved with, so it wasn't a factor in my experiences.

KaraBulut -- As I said in my original post, I know that I have more "important" issues, and because of those, I don't want a relationship right now. I don't plan on staying in this city much longer and it'd be pointless to start something that would just have to end shortly thereafter. I obviously want to move to a new city, find a job and get settled before pursuing the more personal aspect of my life. I'm simply dwelling on my personal issues in a more reflective way, a more "why did I totally fail at this my entire two years of college" way.

I also don't think that the first person I make out with or the first person I fuck is going to be "the one" (a concept I don't believe in, anyway). I've made out with people in clubs, and I know that if I wait around for a solid relationship before fucking, it'll probably never happen.

And I'm definitely aware of guys who are currently into me -- I'm just not into them, and I can't change that. It's a weird situation to be in -- everyone that you like isn't into you, and you don't like anyone who is into you. I think that must be the situation of most people, though. It's just unfortunate that it's so counterproductive.

 

[TX-Beau]

O.K. First off, here’s how you’re coming across – I’m not accusing, and I’m not interested in seeing you go off. Sometimes we can’t see what we project for the bullshit in our lives.

So here’s what I’m seeing:

1. You’re trying way too hard.

2. You’re surrendering.

3. You’re looking for something outside yourself to make you happy.

4. You’re fine complaining about that but aren’t doing much about it.

5. You’re probably way high maintenance.

6. You’re looking for a guy to fit your “fantasy,” not a relationship that evolves around a real guy.

7. I suspect you start picking out china patterns the moment some guy says hi to you.

WHETHER OR NOT, you think anything like that about yourself is BESIDE THE POINT. If that’s the vibe I’m getting, you can bet others will too, in fact a lot of guys in here ARE saying that, they’re just being nicer about it.

Only you can change your situation. I can’t, no one in here can, a boyfriend can’t, your parents can’t, and your friends can’t. ONLY YOU.

Attitude is a tricky thing, whether it’s a job or a date, people pick up on it and decide. No one is going to hire a guy who comes across self pitying and depressive, and no one is going to date that guy either.

You say there are no gay groups around you – well, have you really checked, or is that just a knee jerk obstacle you’ve tossed into your own path to prove it’s all just hopeless.

Why don’t you start by improving yourself, however that might mean to you while you’re trying to find a job. You can volunteer at a ton of different charities that aren't gay who’d be happy for the help. You can go to a temp agency with your BACHELOR'S DEGREE and do that until something comes along. You can work out, read, run, further your education (in class or not the information is out there,) you can find a hobby, hell get a dog – what are YOU DOING to help yourself?

There are a lot of things you can do to occupy your time, help yourself, help other people, to get you out of your funk.

But sugar, NO ONE CAN DO THEM BUT YOU.

How hard are you really trying – don’t answer that to me, it’s incidental to me, answer that honestly to yourself.

And if you are clinically depressed to the point where you're paralyzed, therapy takes more time than a few scattershot visits with different therapists. Commit.

 

[nondescript]

Just a general observation, but sometimes if you have a certain problem in life that seems insurmountable, it can help to focus on other areas of life. For example, forget about your relationship woes and focus on developing your career (get that first job!). You might then find that something shifts in other areas of life. For example the confidence that can come from a job might feed back in a positive way in your relationships with people.

 

[bluegrass57]

I agree with nondescript. I had a terrible letdown of an experience in college, which included a crummy to nonexistent social life and no homo loving of any sort. I realize it's not ideal, but I think it's actually very common. There's just a narrative bias about these things--if you watch a movie about college, it's going to probably be about someone who has friends and a sex life (or is frantically trying to get one) because those stories are easier to tell than of the loner types.

I realize the post is focused on the emotional, but relationships are really a numbers game. There's absolutely hope for you but if having a relationship is important you should focus on going somewhere with more gay people. Work on your career and move out. Good luck!

 

[devildog]

(...) I guess in the back of my mind I keep thinking "it gets better" and that maybe one day I'll move to San Francisco or something (...)

I quote that sentence from you, cause it shows you do have vision for yourself. Why not put this in the front of your mind, instead of in the back? If you want to move to San Francisco, start by making the decision and focus on that.