I feel fucked

[IanRocks]

Below is my life story if it was summarized into the past three weeks. I am hopping anyone in their 20's has recently gone though this shit and can help provide advice on how to fix this mess.

About two weeks ago I was surfing Youtube looking for new music to download and I found the dammann twins (http://youtube.com/watch?v=UO5S_vxAE8U). I loved their music. I started reading their myspace music page and discovered that they were both gay. I then followed the link on their website to a magazine article about them. What I discovered is they are not only gorgeous with an amazing voice but they also were out, happy and had the love and support of their parents. They have everything I want. I have have spend the last two and a half weeks listening to their music building courage.

Maybe it was the alcohol or the feeling of empowerment that I have received from reading this form and other stories on-line, either way five days ago I came out to three of my closest friends. Today I feel fucked, so very very fucked. I need advise and help. I want to take it back, the potential consequences of the truth could be disastrous. I would much prefer to continue dealing with this the same way I deal with other things, vodka (it turns out their is nothing 2 1/2 litters of vodka can't fix). How to I take control of the situation again:
-Do I deny it happened
-End the friendships
-Tell my friends I was playing an elaborate joke

I am not sure what to do. What I do know is that I just turned 23 and I am about to enter graduate school and if I do not get my drinking under control I may have some serious problems. I am increasingly miserable and feel like a total loser for posting my story on-line.

I think my parents know, as they have both slipped up and made simi-derogatory statements along the lines of me not being straight. They talk about how they are cool with others making their own life chooses but are violently against marriage and quick to insult celebrities that are of a different sexual orientation. That being said they are supportive of me and my siblings having non-straight friends and respect them as will as enjoy their company. Not only could I not survive without my parents financial support, but I would rather die than risk loosing their love and moral support.

My friends for the most part would be ok with everything, and the ones who aren't are replaceable. The problem is that my parents are semi-networked into the university system and their is a potential that they could find out, which as I stated earlier would be bad.

I am confused, scared, pathetic, and simply want this all to go away. I have to wonder did I fuck up or did God fuck up. If it was me then I can change and if I was God well shit. I want people to love me, even if that means I have to be a different me. I think I can change, maybe I should learn to deal with issues through running instead of drinking. Thus, The issues are dealt with I get a hot runners body and I don't risk losing it all.

I know everything I have written may not make since, thank-you vodka. I simply had to write out my thoughts and tell someone, even if it is an anonymous internet. Any help or advice would be amazing. Cover of hallelujah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8HxApNqdlQ&feature=related) -Ever since the OC I have associated this song with bittersweet said moments.

 

[EvilForce]

*sigh*

And you wonder why you aren't happy? You're numbing your pain with booze, because every day you strap on a facade that weighs you down and exhausts you. You're 23 and in the same exact position you were in 2 or 3 years ago aren't you? Stop hating yourself dude. It's such a cliche.

And you won't change your sexuality. You can hide it, yes. For a while. But you can't change it.

You came out to your friends, now ask for their help. Your life is in the shitter and going nowhere fast. Drop the fake bullshit for once, show your real humanity, and ask them for some help. You obviously need some love my young friend, and you have to love yourself first.

It does get easier as you get older, I promise. But be true to yourself, and to your friends, and to your family.

 

[alley]

Why do you think only someone in their twenties could give you a good perspective on this?

 

[luminum]

If people find out you're gay, you think your parents will stop loving you, you're 23 and you depend on them financially at that, you'd rather people like you for who you aren't rather than disliking you for who you are, and in order to keep all of that in control, you lie to them and drink yourself silly...

It sucks, doesn't it--taking the fall for everyone else?

It's very easy to be afraid of being rejected, and in that way, it makes it easier for us to inflict emotional scars and sacrifice ourselves, and our souls, for the sake of others rather than risk what we perceive as "hurting" or "devastating" them.

But you don't belong only to yourself. As a person on this Earth with friends and family, your happiness is important not only to yourself but to those who love you. How do you think your friends would feel if they knew that you were drinking yourself numb constantly because you're trying to be who you think they want you to be? How do you think your parents would feel if they knew that you'd rather die than have them ever know you as you truly are?

Or rather, how would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you allow your friend or relative to do the same for your sake? Would you let them drink themselves to death and lie to you in order to ensure that they always have your love?

If your answer is no, then you should hold your friends and family to the same standard instead of taking the fall for them.

If your parents truly love you, even if they don't agree with or understand your sexuality, they will still love you. If your friends really love you, then they'll still be your friends, even if they don't understand or agree, they'll still be your friends. If they don't, then the only thing they were giving you was conditional love--and what is love when it's anything but conditional?

 

[rareboy]

I would much prefer to continue dealing with this the same way I deal with other things, vodka (it turns out their (sic) is nothing 2 1/2 litters of vodka can't fix).
How to I take control of the situation again:
-Do I deny it happened
-End the friendships
-Tell my friends I was playing an elaborate joke

Sad. Sad, Sad.

So you are an alcoholic.

I suspect you were half in the bag when you decided this post would be a good idea.

You take control by exercising responsilbility.You told them you are a homo. Now live with it. Don't lie. Don't run away. It is their problem now if it is a problem for them.

Anyhow, kiss grad school and a future goodbye if you can't get your addictions under control.

Put your hand in your pocket. Feel those? They're your balls. Instead of running and hiding, be honest, be yourself. You'll find that you don't need to live inside a bottle.

AA would be a great place to start.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I would much prefer to continue dealing with this the same way I deal with other things, vodka (it turns out their is nothing 2 1/2 litters of vodka can't fix).

Vodka doesn't fix the problems. It just isolates you from them until the buzz wears off...at which point, you're back where you were. But perhaps with a hangover, too. Your problems will still be there when you get back. So you have two choices: remain forever and perpetually drunk, or work on solving your problems.

You're 23. It's time you learned this. Life doesn't just come with problems. Life IS problems. Life IS you handling and solving problems. And vodka don't solve them, any more than getting a week's extension on that paper "solves" that problem. You still have to write the fucking paper.

Also, at age 23, you may want to stop idolizing pop stars. If they gave you the impression that one can be out and happy, that's all to the good. But your life and their life aren't the same. You shouldn't come out because that's what worked for the Damman Twins. You should come out because you're comfortable with it, and because you're ready to live as an out homosexual. Most of your post reveals that you're not.

So first things first. How do you get there? Come out to the most important person first - you. You might think you've done that, but honestly, I don't think you have. If you're out to yourself, you're cool with it. You understand it. You accept it. You can look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" without getting a cold feeling inside, or without feeling like you're admitting to some heinous crime or failing on your part. Stone cold sober.

Like I said, I don't think you're there yet. So get there. Get used to the idea. Fantasize about fucking guys, or getting fucked by guys, with wild abandon. Without feeling like it's a shameful thing. Picture yourself in five to ten years, with a good job, introducing your boyfriend to your co-workers at the company picnic. Because it's possible. Not "win-the-lottery" possible, but totally obtainable possible. Millions of gays live happy, stable, standard lives. Do they have problems? Of course they do - everybody does. But that doesn't preclude them from living a good life.

So start there. Focus on that. And stop taking the coward's way out - do it sober. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you can get on with your life.

Lex

 

[just a guy]

There’s not much I can say that others above have not already said except:

Don't struggle through this by yourself. I am not sure what city or University you are at but 99% of schools have Therapy Counselors on staff that can help you with understanding your sexuality and drinking all done confidentially. You are not the only one going through this. If you’re at a big enough school they might even have a group session of other people who are having the same problems that you have.

Your feelings and concerns are NOT uncommon, a lot of people go through what you are going through. The longer you wait to correct the problems, (Drinking & being someone you are not) the harder it is to correct the problems and the greater the fall out to others around you.

You can’t take back what you have told your friends, they are going to know what you are doing. Your parents will eventually come around but, its going to be a lot harder for them to except you if drinking is in the way.

Stop torturing yourself and go get help.

 

[billybob109]

not to get off subject but for someone to have twins and both be gay..

 

[luminum]

not to get off subject but for someone to have twins and both be gay..

Those kinds of twins are thus an important part of genetic study to determine what effect (if any) genes have on sexuality. Even better if the twins are identical and one is and one isn't. But any kind of sibling will work, too.

Back to topic:

Again, I agree that the first important thing is to put the bottle down, dude. Drinking yourself stupid not only hurts yourself, it resolves nothing, and it can potentially destroy everything. That's the first part in taking control of your life and taking responsibility.

 

[IanRocks]

I would like to start by apologizing, I did not mean to offend anybody with my drinking. Without a doubt I have come to realize that this is a problem, even my frat brothers see this as a major issue. I agree it is about time I sober up and I am currently working on dealing with this issue. There is no doubt in my mind that my drinking is a product of my inability to deal with my sexuality. The truth is I am not comfortable with my sexuality and I am most certainly not ready to live my life like this. I could never imagine introducing a boyfriend at the company picnic.

I am not trying to come off like some snobby trust fund baby, but in my mind life was not suppose to be like this. I am 23 I should be in law school meeting a girl I am going to marry and be partner in a law firm by the time I am 30. Instead I am 23 with descent grades, instead of stealer grades, thanks to a drinking problem and telling my life story to the internet. I would do anything to make this all go away.

I have always been the one to help my friends through shit, but I have a total inability to trust others. I know if I was to tell someone the truth it could get back to my brother, who attends the same school as me, and thus get back to my parents. In truth I am not sure how to kill the fake bullshit, I have been doing it since Jr. High. It is so much easier to be judged when you are being fake then when you are telling the truth.

I know I sound like a little bitch and I am not trying to fall into some cliche, I am just trying to state how I feel. And while I agree it is somewhat cliche, I can't change the way I feel (I know because I have been trying like hell for the last few years). While this is not something I am proud of, I think I am not grown-up enough to deal with the consequences of my choices.

 

[Alberto_15]

When you come out it is suppossed to take a huge weight off your shoulders not send you into panic mode.

You have already established that you need to stop drinking so I won't go there again. I do advice that you calm down, take a deep breath (or two), and calm down some more. It sounds like you told your friends before you were ready but since you did try and embrace the fact that at least you don't have to lie to EVERYONE by pretending to be something you are not. Maybe you might want to ask them not to tell other people if you are not ready. I think telling them it's a joke would be really silly and they probably won't believe you.

Good luck to you buddy. Things will get better for you.

 

[EvilForce]

I would like to start by apologizing, I did not mean to offend anybody with my drinking. Without a doubt I have come to realize that this is a problem, even my frat brothers see this as a major issue. I agree it is about time I sober up and I am currently working on dealing with this issue. There is no doubt in my mind that my drinking is a product of my inability to deal with my sexuality. The truth is I am not comfortable with my sexuality and I am most certainly not ready to live my life like this. I could never imagine introducing a boyfriend at the company picnic.

I am not trying to come off like some snobby trust fund baby, but in my mind life was not suppose to be like this. I am 23 I should be in law school meeting a girl I am going to marry and be partner in a law firm by the time I am 30. Instead I am 23 with descent grades, instead of stealer grades, thanks to a drinking problem and telling my life story to the internet.

Your sexuality is only one of the reasons you drink perhaps, not "the" reason. You have more underlying things to deal with than just that, so keep that in mind. You won't wake up one morning after you come to grips with your sexuality, and go, "Hmmm, I don't feel like drinking".

It is so much easier to be judged when you are being fake then when you are telling the truth.

Translation: It's so much easier to just lie than tell the truth. So far you are on track to become an excellent lawyer with that attitude. Of course it's easier to lie, cheat, steal, and take the short cut. What really says much about a person is when they stand up to do the right thing, regardless of outcome. When they stand up, screw up their courage, and be honest when it is easier to lie.

I would do anything to make this all go away.

And how do you think this might happen? I'm thinking checking out of the game called life is about the only way. You ready to cash in all your chips when you didn't like the set of cards life dealt you? I wonder how many people would kill to be in your shoes? How many inner city kids would kill to be in a decent college, or someone starving to death. When you stop looking at yourself as a victim of some cruel joke and look at your life as a gift, you'll be on the first steps to a healthier, happier life. The choice is yours. You have many paths to choose from. Get busy living, or get busy dying, as "Redd" says in Shawshank Redemption.

 

[rareboy]

I could never imagine introducing a boyfriend at the company picnic.

Trust me. When you're the boss. you'll be able to introduce your boyfriend to anyone you want.

 

[G-Lexington]

So you see the problem.

Since junior high, you've been presenting the face you think they want to see. And they, thinking that's who you are, applaud you for that. And so you feel you've got to keep up the facade. That's ten years, or roughly half your life so far, devoted to a pattern of "living a lie".

So what do you want to do? Do you really want to be a lawyer? Or are you going the law school route for the same reason you're going the "straight" route - you think people will accept you more for it? There's plenty of gay lawyers out there, so that's not an issue - I'm just making sure you're living that part of your life for yourself.

And how about your friends? Do you have any? Not guys who like the straight guy with a nice bank account and a bright future, but guys who like YOU? Or aren't you sure? And are too scared to find out?

There are plenty of people out there who have been in your shoes. Those who think they either have to live the lie to succeed in life, or come out and "ruin everything". All the ones I know who attempted "the straight life"? They regret it. All the ones I know who "ruined everything"? They say it was the smartest thing they ever did. Sure, my sample is skewed. But I'm trying to think of EVER hearing of a guy saying, "I'm so glad I chose not to be gay in college." Or someone who said, 'I decided to live as a gay man twenty years ago - and boy, did that ruin everything."

I can't think of one.

It would appear my first guess was right, then. You're not out to yourself. And that's the first step. Everything else can wait. You don't have to tell your friends, your schoolmates, your family anything for now, or even in the near future. The key thing is to get YOU in a better place.

You're gay.
BFD.
It just means that once you pair up, there'll be a guy at home waiting instead of a woman.
It doesn't preclude you from being a lawyer. Or rich. Or successful. Or popular. Or happy.
So start accepting it. The way you accept your height and face and size of your dick. It's part of you. Accept it. Hell, enjoy it. Jerk off to gay porn. Fantasize about fucking your ideal guy, or getting fucked by him, without feeling you're doing something wrong. Because you're not.

Hang out here more. Read some threads, chat with some of us. Most of us don't see being gay as any sort of handicap. We're just regular Joes of all kinds. And the more you see that, the easier it might be for you to deal with it in yourself.

Lex

 

[luminum]

Brilliant advice, Lex.

Ian, there are no "supposed to's" in life. It's unfair to you if others expect you to map out your life according to their wishes and consequently if your expectations are derived from that. As a 23 year old college student, the only thing you're "supposed" to be doing is attending school for a profession you want to do and discovering yourself as a growing adult. That means that the most important thing isn't "finding a nice girl to marry," "ensuring that you become a partner in a law firm," or being someone who never has any major conflicts. So you've got decent grades, people have done worse in life. There is no such thing as the Stepford life and it's silly to believe that you have to have it.

Cut yourself some slack and figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. It's difficult to be a holistic or functional human being when you can't even deal with yourself in those quiet moments when everyone else isn't looking.

 

[954dude]

Brilliant advice, Lex.

Ian, there are no "supposed to's" in life. It's unfair to you if others expect you to map out your life according to their wishes and consequently if your expectations are derived from that. As a 23 year old college student, the only thing you're "supposed" to be doing is attending school for a profession you want to do and discovering yourself as a growing adult. That means that the most important thing isn't "finding a nice girl to marry," "ensuring that you become a partner in a law firm," or being someone who never has any major conflicts. So you've got decent grades, people have done worse in life. There is no such thing as the Stepford life and it's silly to believe that you have to have it.

Cut yourself some slack and figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. It's difficult to be a holistic or functional human being when you can't even deal with yourself in those quiet moments when everyone else isn't looking.

Dead on. If you don't get it together and do what makes you happy, there's a lot at stake. You're only 23, life has truly just begun for you. Set some nice goals for yourself and definitely get help with the alcoholism. Wake up, grow some balls, and stop talking so negatively. You're hurting yourself.

 

[IanRocks]

I want to start by thanking everyone for their advise and support. I think it is time I grow up and accept life for what it really is, whatever that maybe. I know that this comes much easier to some than others and for me this seems to come quite hard. I have spend much of the last few days contemplating the advise given and thinking about what I should do next. Without a doubt I am sick of the lies, alcoholism and bullshit. I feel like a lost puppy, but this is due to the fact that I have built all my life on lies and bullshit. For the first time I am ready to admit that I might be gay, as hard as it is to type that word. Here is the conclusions I have come to:

1. Starting Monday June 16th I will stop all drinking for one week and get any possible problem under control before drinking again. EvilForce is simi-right that my sexuality is not the only reason why I drink, but it is the main reason. The other reason is a massive fear of death. I will not waste anyones time going into details, but I will say my fear of death has been an issue equal to that of my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I have a religion minor and I feel like I understand God and life as well as I understand quantum-phisics, which is not at all.

2. Continue to keep my parental units and the rest of my family out of the loop, at least not right now, until I am ready to deal with the situation. I know that this keeps me from being true to myself and my family but I simply can not deal with the consequences of my 'decision' and the possible subsequent disownment.

3. Attempt to embrace who I am to those I have already told, no more lies all truth. I need the support of those I already trust, and I know it.

4. Try to tell the truth to other friends and frat brothers (Which I have a sick feeling could backfire). I honestly know that I may not achieve this goal because I am kind of a pussy but I think I have to tell the truth.

5. I want to continue to avoid answering G-Lexingtons question, "And how about your friends? Do you have any? Not guys who like the straight guy with a nice bank account and a bright future, but guys who like YOU? Or aren't you sure? And are too scared to find out?" Because I am afraid the answer could send me over the edge. My true friends know I have been lying to them for years and have called me out on it; my frat brothers and others have been my friends no matter what and I would like to think that is because I am the the shit. At this point I do not want to know the true answer. The song Jumper by Third Eye Blind that goes, "your friends have left and you been dismissed, I never thought it would come to this but I never thought it would come to this." I am not sure I can be happy without my friends even if they are not real. Telling them that I might not be straight could be a problem.

I have spent the last few years of my life building and vigorously protecting an image of who I want to be but who I am not. I know that people can see through this image but I do it anyway. Once again I recognize that only a girl in Jr. High or High School could say what I just said but I have lived in fear of the truth getting out for so long that it is hard to accept what is truth. For some reason, in my mind, I view all my 'friends' as living the perfect life and I know mine is far from it. I also know that I am about to start over fresh at law school and want to avoid the errors of my past. I still do not understand how did people become comfortable with accepting their sexuality, and how they met others. I know how to find girls, get dates, and do everything short of enjoying having sex with them. I do not even know how to get networked into the alternative life style scene. Hell, to some extent I am not even sure how to make friends without using money to make them overcome any doubts about my sexuality.

I want to end by thanking everyone for their advise. I have a total inability to express how much it means to me that people would take the time to help someone, who they do not even know, deal with these issues. Your positivity is helping me get through this rough patch.

-Ian

(Just to tell everyone I love music and Iris - Goo Goo Dolls, Jumper - Third Eye Blind, Time after Time - Quitedrive are my favorite songs)

 

[rareboy]

1. Starting Monday June 16th I will stop all drinking for one week and get any possible problem under control before drinking again.

You are an alcoholic. Very few pepole manage to stop without support, so I wish you well.

In reality, you mustn't ever drink again. Binge drinking is still alcoholism.

Like most alcoholics, you've managed to find a few things to blame your drinking on.

I still recommend AA for you, because I don't think you've quite grasped the whole concept of dependency yet.

Why the massive fear of death? It is purely physics and chemistry. One minute you're alive. The next, you're not. I think this is an issue you very much need professional counselling to examine. Your entire life can't be spent worrying about death. You will become paralyzed.

Speaking as someone who has momentarily died and brought back, I can assure you that it is nothing. If it is pain you are afraid of, time to confront this as well.

I think you have reached a stage in your life when it is time to put down the baggeage you've been carrying all these years and give yourself the opportunity to be a happy, healthy adult.

For you, this sounds like you also need to reach out to your parents and friends to let them help you. You need to be honest about how miserably unhappy you really are because of your fears.

Good luck.

 

[EvilForce]

Groups like AA might work for some people but I wouldn't have made it to square one had I been forced into it.
There was (IS) no damn way I was going to spill my guts to a bunch of strangers and I made that clear the first time AA was suggested to me by a professional.
Thankfully he realized the horse was DOA and got me started with one to one counselling which is the best thing that ever happened to me.......and I've been dry for 31 years.
I'm can't say AA doesn't work.......I CAN say it wouldn't have worked for me.
NOW...........DO NOT THINK YOU CAN BEAT THIS ALONE.
Seek some PROFESSIONAL help.
If "outing" yourself is going to create so much more difficulty for you right now......DON'T.
One thing at a time........I would start with the drinking and get yourself thinking clearly first.

Sorry I disagree.

He needs to start being honest with everyone first and foremost. Himself too. If as he says, his entire life is a sham, he has to start somewhere in fixing it. I'm sorry but AA isn't for everyone. I know that's sacrilege to some, but frankly, AA wouldn't do me a spit of good with my belief system.

He has to start somewhere. If he thinks coming out is a good thing or best thing, I'd have to agree.

To the OP: I'd highly recommend you pick a couple, maybe three people you think you can trust most, out yourself, and ask them for help. Ask them for feedback. Ask them to be there for you. Start there, and start building on that. Stop drinking completely for at least a week. If anyone questions you, just say you are on antibiotics or something for a week / 10 days and under strict orders not to drink. I know in college it can be tough to "not" drink when you have been a drinker with all the people wanting you to "just have one beer" or "one shot". This will keep them off your back.

Also, if you can book a session or two with your Uni counselor you would be well served.

 

[Ohiospeedo]

off subject...but since you are a fan of the Dammann Twins...I started a thread awhile back about them.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182463

Also, you ought to check out their myspace, they have some new pics that are hot!