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I feel like an awful person, but I don't even know if I should. HELP!

shastamc24

shastamc24

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Ok, here is the deal. I broke up with my boyfriend in California (see a problem? :D) a while ago and have been trying to get out and about. Recently, I started seeing a guy that I have known for a while and we hooked up a few times. Then, earlier this week, I found out that he has a boyfriend and bold-faced lied to me about the nature of their relationship. He claimed that it was over and that I had nothing to worry about. After asking some mutual friends and some investigation, it turns out that yes, indeed, they are still together. Needless to say, I flipped a shit. I called him all sorts of nasty names-the whole shabang. I do NOT sleep with guys that have boyfriends, regardless of the situation they may be in. I am really, really angry at this guy and have been debating whether or not I should call or message his boyfriend and let him know what happened. I have been in this situation before (as the person being cheated on) and it fucking hurts. Bad.

That been said, I don't know if it would help or hurt if I let this guy know exactly what kind of person he is dating. I'm scared that he'll just yell at me and tell me I'm a slut, etc. Or he could be happy I did, thus letting him dump this guys ass immediately. Has anyone ever had this happen or been involved in something similar?? I feel really horrible about myself, even though logically I know it's not really my fault. I know how it feels and just, ugh! I honestly don't know if I would have been pissed or happy if the other guy had called me.

Any thoughts or advice? Grr.
 
If you call up his boyfriend, be prepared for the following scenarios:
  • His boyfriend knew about the cheating and is ok with it/turn the other cheek.
  • His boyfriend may be angry at you thinking you are the slut for taking his man. He may not believe that you didn't know they were in a relationship regardless how hard you try to explain it to him.
  • His boyfriend may thank you for the info and said, "I still love him. He is still my man. We both are committed to work through this to make our relationship stronger."
  • His boyfriend may be cheating with someone else on the side as well.

Unless you know how to handle yourself in all of the above scenarios, I say leave his boyfriend alone.
 
You could post giant billboard ads sprinkled throughout your city telling everyone that your ex boyfriend is a cheater?
 
He's a cheat and a liar. Odds are great that you are not his first.

Should cheaters be exposed? Probably. You should question your motives, however. Would you be doing it out of spite
or genuine concern for his bf. Since you know how it feels to be in the bf's shoes, would you have wanted someone to tell you?
 
You should tell the boyfriend. You were in the situation once - imagine how it felt.

If the bf knew all along, fine. If this is brand new, then it allows him time to work it out and have control over the situation.

I applaud you for not continuing on with the cheater.
 
Move on.

Let's say you tell the friend and they STAY together, you will feel like a fool. Normally relations endure cheating.
 
Yeah, I think I am going to tell him. I feel like an ass and this other kid deserves to know what kind of a jerk he is dating. Thanks guys :)
 
His relationship is absolutely none of your concern. Whether he lied to you or not, you have no business meddling in his life like that. There is nothing noble about ruining other people's relationships, regardless of how bad YOU might think they are. And you'll be doing it purely out of spite, whatever you might think at the moment. If the guy is a lying cheat, the truth will come out sooner or later without you homewrecking him.
 
move on, life will get even with him without your help or meddling
 
Rolyo85 said:
His relationship is absolutely none of your concern. Whether he lied to you or not, you have no business meddling in his life like that. There is nothing noble about ruining other people's relationships, regardless of how bad YOU might think they are. And you'll be doing it purely out of spite, whatever you might think at the moment. If the guy is a lying cheat, the truth will come out sooner or later without you homewrecking him.
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Sounds like he's made up his mind and will not be satisfied until he makes suffer the same pain he's suffering.
 
@ Roylo85 Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I'll just let Kharma deal with him. :D I'm a bit calmer now, so I guess I can think through it.
 
Rolyo85 said:
His relationship is absolutely none of your concern. Whether he lied to you or not, you have no business meddling in his life like that. There is nothing noble about ruining other people's relationships, regardless of how bad YOU might think they are. And you'll be doing it purely out of spite, whatever you might think at the moment. If the guy is a lying cheat, the truth will come out sooner or later without you homewrecking him.
Click to expand...
Well said and I completely agree. Don't let your own anger and hurt drive your behaviors here. You don't like what the guy did and that's fine. That's one mistake you won't repeat with him. Move on.
 
I guess it's more feeling about myself at this point. I am not going to say anything, but I feel like I should have checked before I did it, so to speak. I will be more careful in the future. I just feel horrible that I allowed it to happen, and I know what it feels like to be lied to and cheated on, so I just feel horrible. I guess that was more where I was going with this. Ack!
 
Wait, I've thought through this a bit more. This other guy could be at risk of STDs. I have no idea what my "friend" has been doing. I got tested and was fine, but I'm sure they have been together since then and the asshat has probably slept with many others after me. I recant my earlier statement. I am going to tell. I would feel even worse if his boyfriend got something. Also, I'm not sure why some people wrote somewhat nasty responses. Maybe this hits too close to home?
 
It's also possible the other guy cheated and is at risk of getting STDs from other people and not from his boyfriend.
 
shastamc24 said:
Wait, I've thought through this a bit more. This other guy could be at risk of STDs. I have no idea what my "friend" has been doing. I got tested and was fine, but I'm sure they have been together since then and the asshat has probably slept with many others after me. I recant my earlier statement. I am going to tell. I would feel even worse if his boyfriend got something. Also, I'm not sure why some people wrote somewhat nasty responses. Maybe this hits too close to home?
Click to expand...

Dunno which responses you mean, but the only thing this hits close to is the image of you as a vindictive douche. Feel free to invent any number of justifications for why you'll tell a random person you don't know that their bf cheated on them WITH YOU, the underlying reason is vindictive spite.
 
not sure if i understand from your posts whether or not you and the bf know each other

if you do - and you're friends - i get why you might want to expose the cheater

if not - seems the only reason is spite

and as others have mentioned, you don't know if he (the bf) is a cheater too - u don't really know the situation - if they're open, etc.

it's messy - best to move on

i applaud your "will not see guys with bf's" - that's the right play
 
shastamc24 said:
Wait, I've thought through this a bit more. This other guy could be at risk of STDs. I have no idea what my "friend" has been doing. I got tested and was fine, but I'm sure they have been together since then and the asshat has probably slept with many others after me. I recant my earlier statement. I am going to tell. I would feel even worse if his boyfriend got something. Also, I'm not sure why some people wrote somewhat nasty responses. Maybe this hits too close to home?
Click to expand...


Did you guys use condoms? If not, share that with his friend as well. That you are sleeping around not using condoms. Hopefully this doesn't get around town.
 
Wow, that was mean and unnecessary Roylo85...what did I do to you? I'm confused.

It isn't some random person, we have a bunch of mutual friends. We did use condoms, but I know that sometimes so called "monogamous' couples don't as they think it's ok since they are only sleeping with each other. And no, it was not an open relationship. I emailed his boyfriend and he was completely unaware. His response was a bit nasty, but then wrote back and said thank you. He did not know this was going on and it turns out it wasn't just me that he had been cheating with. His boyfriend had been acting shady apparently and this just kind of was the straw that broke the camel's back. He is going to get tested, hopefully. Issue solved!
 
You didn't do anything to me. You just made yourself look like a mean douche. You came here not to find opinions but to have people validate something you had already decided to do. And you aren't even honest with yourself about your reasons.
 
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