I feel like I've been raped

[MissAnne]

Please dont be too hard on yourself. I think that most of us have been to a place where we have been taken advantage of. It is easy to feel dirty, used, angry etc. He should be the one that feels dirty, he is a dirty person. Take pleasure in the fact that he'll never get you agian. When we are vulnerable, sharks like him can smell blood in the water. Once you get the therapy that you need, you will eventually find yourself in place where people like that can never touch you. Perhaps go to another NA group in another city or town that is close to you ? Check high schools and community centers. When you have yourself together, maybe you could actually face him again and calmly tell him that you feel sorry for his pathetic life.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't think what I say will help much, but I think you are aware that you're not really guilty of that situation. I wouldn't frame it as "rape" either, not because it wasn't immoral, but because if you do that, you give it more significance in your own mind, and it needs to have as little significance as possible. The guy used you when you were easy to use. Lots of guys do that all the time without it having anything to do with situations like yours. Freshly come out boys are vulnerable in a different way and fall prey to experienced players.

It's not rape. It's being played. It's gross but it doesn't need to be more than that, unless you make it so, and you don't need to make it bigger in order to feel better.

We design our own nightmares. Do yourself a favor and don't build this one. It doesn't have to be a nightmare, it could just be a bad experience to learn from.

And yes, I agree - there is no connection of any sort between him paying you to have sex with you and your bf offering you support. Not a superficial level, and not on a "very fundamental" one either. Now, whether the bad decision you mention is symptomatic and could be traced to the bad decisions that led you to that previous guy - that's a different issue. But don't mix these separate conditions.


Maybe you should report that person to someone btw? I mean, if he's admitted to you that he systematically preys on gay boys who come to NA, perhaps you could stop him from hurting others?

 

[Rolyo85]

Again I say - be weary of the words you use in your mind. You can call it "a huge emotional violation" or you can call it "a scumbag player". Both are correct, but one puts more strain on your emotions and your mind in general, while the other should just make you angry, which - in this case - is by far the healthier emotion. Don't focus on this, don't make it big and terrible. Make it small, petty and annoying, and you will move past it so much faster.

...unless, of course, you WANT the drama, but I'm writing all of this on the premise that you don't.

 

[MissAnne]

MissAnne: The problem with going to another NA circle is that he's quite well-known in all of the local groups, so I'd have to drive about five hours away to get to one where he doesn't have his sticky fingers in it. I've considered that, but I'm just too worn-down right now to consider it. The major epiphany came when I decided to down double my regular dosage of anti-panic pills just to get him out of my head for a while; I've also been smoking quite an amount of weed, but that was before this huge emotional crisis came along.

Also, I've absolutely considered confronting him about what he did to me (once I'm less emotional about it and have talked with a professional) and tell him that what he did to me made me go back to using; I think that last fact would be the thing that hurts him the most and makes him want to change. Who knows, though; he could be completely amoral and just care about getting his kicks with pretty young men.

Rolyo85: You're right, it's not rape, but it's a huge emotional violation. I'm just reacting to it very strongly because I only had a breakdown and realisation about two hours ago.

What you said about reporting him to another person in Narcotics Anonymous is a great idea. I may do that tonight, if I'm not still feeling overly emotional about it. I have no intention of attending anymore, as I've stated above, but it's absolutely a good idea to let someone know that this is what he does. Even if I never found out, it would be a horrible thing if what happened to me ever happened to another vulnerable young man such as myself.

Do you have a sponsor that you can call ? This creepy ass old man is not worth you back peddling. Dont give him that power. If you feel like you need the group in order to go back. Id say take a friend with you or your bf or whomever. Sit there and be proud, rub your strength in his face, he has probably done this before. If that seems like not an option, your therapist will probabaly give you some healthy coping methods. Maybe you could report him for taking advantage of the young men the in groups, perahps you can save someone else from being taken advantage of. For know, perhaps try meditation, yoga. That actually works. Good luck, please take care.

 

[MissAnne]

^I do have a sponsor, but since I started smoking weed again I've deleted his number from my phone. There's a meeting tonight at 8 which I plan on going to; if anyone is there I know I can trust with this extremely sensitive information, then I'll tell him or her. If I do that, I may feel a bit better about trying to get clean again and start attending meetings again, if I can kick my weed habit.

Thats good, thats actually a really good step. Good Luck, ignore the hell out of that man if he comes near you.

 

[bankside]

Ashy, your reaction in the last few hours is not a setback. It means you're healing from the chaos and emotional numbness and fragility that he took advantage of when you met. It means you're strong enough to decide, reject, and get away from someone when it was too hard for you to do that last year and you just took it and went along with it.

This means the stuff you've been doing is working and you're healing. Don't beat yourself up because of a delayed reaction to this shitbag manipulating you.

You were vulnerable then, and maybe it feels like a failure that you weren't strong enough to stop him but your reaction shows you aren't so vulnerable any more. Don't make yourself vulnerable now by feeling like something is fucked up permanently.

 

[bankside]

no worries.

I think NA is good because it gives you a chance to hear from other people who have been in active addiction. I know some of them are legit and will do their best to help you. But don't forget that a few of the people there will in no position to help anybody at the moment.

And also that people who have never lived through addiction are also around to hear you out.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't give up on NA, which might be your only lifeline. 13th stepping is outside the boundaries of 12-step programs and could be brought up at a topic meeting. 12-step meetings are set up to take what you like and leave the rest and members are at all stages of recovery. I think it's important to share you pain at meetings without mentioning names. What happened to you is intolerable. Meeting as a group or in a public place is ok after or before a meeting, but always use caution with one on ones until you feel really comfortable with someone. Again, tell your story without mentioning names. If people figure it out, oh well. You were taken advantage of. Every newcomer ought to be warned.

 

[hotatlboi]

Sorry but you weren't raped. You agreed to have sex with an older somewhat unattractive person then regretted it afterward. Same thing has happened to me, live and learn.

 

[backpacker]

I'm glad to see that you plan to seek professional help. You have a lot going on and are focusing your negative energy toward this experience in an unhealthy way. There has to be something else going on, either in your past or now, that is causing you to have such extreme feelings toward your experience with this older man. Were you sexually abused as a child or young teenager? Your reaction seems to be more like the reaction I would expect from someone underage. I'm not trying to downplay your feelings. I just wonder why they are so intense. I believe a forum like is not equipped to help you deal with the serious issues that are confronting you. You seem like a good guy who needs some professional help to move forward in a way that will allow you to lead a happy and productive life. Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

They can reiterate at every meeting that 13th stepping is outside the bounds of the program and every newcomer can be taken aside and warned. I also think that once your stronger you ought to confront him. Best of luck to you.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Ashy, I have read your posts and the responses and support you have received here. I hope you have connected with a therapist, because the path to healing and changing behaviors - recovery - requires insight and self-examination and discovery as well as abstinance from acting out/using, whatever. There are people who have not had a drink in 50 years...period. Drinking or its absence is still the focus, the struggle. Recovery comes when you can fill in your life and be able to experience emotions, endure pain and also find joy and pleasure. You may always be an addict, but it doesn't have to define you. You will come to a point where you are able to make choices. Choose not to use, as well as healthy choices around sex and money and all aspects of your life. Just for today.

 

[bankside]

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