I feel so bad about some things

[Love_chair]

I just feel really depressed right now(don't worry am not suicidal LOL). It just seems like nothing ever goes good in my life everything seems to go down hill and crash & burn. I guess I need to tell y'all what am upset about which is everything I feel like am cursed and not just me but my entire family. The main thing am depressed about is my Mom she was diagnosed with cancer about 4 months ago and she's been taking treatments but we got some tests back and they showed the cancer has spread to other places of her body. It's looking really bad she has to go back next week and they are going to do somemore stuff and see what else can be done she has already had surgery 2 months ago which was supposed to help and she's been taking radiation treatments. I really hope them fucking doctors can do something else maybe more surgery or just anything.

You don't understand if I lose my Mom I will be devastated I been crying just thinking about it. She's the only parent I have left my Dad passed away when I was 16(he was shoot with a gun and my Mom was shoot as well but she made a full recovery but my Dad died from complications 2 months later on Christmas it's long story) am 20 now That happening was very difficult for me. and now am scared am going to lose my Mom as well me and her have always had a close relationship am kind of a mommy's boy and she has always been so supportive of me being gay I told her when I was 17. She instantly said (she already knew and that she would love me no matter if I was straight gay bi or a little alien from space my love has no strings or boundaries for my children) I remember that like it was yesterday. I also have a Brother & Sister but am the youngest.

It's all very overwhelming I just don't see how god could put me though all the hell I have had to go though as well as my family. I just feel so angry and confused I just don't know what to do I just wanna know why does all this bad shit have to happen. When will something good happen in my life oh god I just wanna know why!!oh lord I just wish I could understand!!!. Theres many other things am also upset about one thing is the fact that I have been out of the closet for 3 years now am still a virgin and I have still not found love in my life that's something that I also want. I really have not made a effort to find someone I don't have many friends and I stay at home with my mom 24/7 and I don't have a job right now anyways. She told me I should go out and meet other people and make some friends get Involved in something I like and get my mind off of things.

And am thinking that might be a good idea. Because my mom said (if I wanted to find love I have to get out there and look around because it's not going to come knocking on the door). And she's right and me getting a job and start meeting people it might do me some good I have never had a job before and I finished high school about 3 years ago I have always lived with my mother. I have no intention of getting anymore education or going to college I don't wanna do that. But as of right now I want to focus all my attention on my Mom and I wanna help her get though this and after the cancer is gone and she's back to good health then I will go and do something.

I feel kinda better now I guess I just needed to sit down and write what I was feeling it feels good to express yourself. Sorry it was so long I guess I got carried away LOL. But thanks for listening to me rant and if anyone has any words of encouragement or advice that would be grate.

I appreciate everything & everyone bye bye.

 

[StlKj]

First, I'm very sorry to hear of your mother's struggle. I hope the doctors are indeed able to help her fight this until she has beaten in completely.

Now, while your devotion to your mother is wonderful, you might want to talk to her about what she wants for you in your life. It may be that if she can see you meeting people and dating some, it will make her happy and worry less about you. If you try to have even a little bit of a life outside of your family right now, she may feel she has a chance to offer you support and advice on relationships and love. I know you don't want to consider losing her, but I can only imagine that she's probably entertained the possibility that she might not beat this, and in that case, she would most likely like to know she had been able to share with you what she knows about being in love.

Talk with her. Now is the time for as open and honest as your communications can be. It sounds like you already have that. Keep it going.

Your family is in my thoughts. Take care.

 

[Xpione]

I am sorry about the tragedy. I live with a single mother too. I wouldn't wish for anything to happen to her. However, I also know people I love will not live forever. If anything ever happen to my mom. I know she would want me to be happy, not depress and ruin my life because of her tragedy. So, I promise myself if there anything ever happen to my mom, I will overcome my overwhelming sentiments and grow to be a stronger person. Moreover, I will memorialize her forever. But I think your mom wants you to enjoy life. I think she wants you to get a job, be independence, and have friends, boyfriend too. You complete the wish for her. Of course what do i know. I cant speak for her. You should treasue every moment you have with her, but also make her proud.

 

[screwnutty]

Miles.

I'm sorry to hear things are not going good for you right now. I haven't been on MSN for awhile, because I've been busy with other events in my life. Your a great guy. Your mom is lucky to have you.

First off, will you stop worrying about the fact that you haven't had sex yet. It will come when the time is right and when it feels right for you. You only get your virginity once...once it's gone...it's gone.

Second, continue to be there for your mom. Regardless of what she says to you. She needs you more then ever. Be her rock. Be there to give her the strength and energy to fight this. I did this for my mom. Anyways you know that story already. Yeah you need to find something to occupy your brain. Maybe a small part time job to just help relieve the worrying. This may sound dumb or stupid but what about a paper route. I know the money isn't good or great but it gets you out of the house and it's a great job to ease yourself back into a routine. Plus it's usually done early in the mornings and you have no problems staying up till 7:00am if i remember our talks so well!

Anyways I add more as it comes to me. Take care Miles. I miss talking to you on MSN. I hope things are going well with you and the guy you were hooked up with.

Most important Miles. Stay happy for me. No matter how dark the days get....find the silver lining in those clouds. Doctor's order's miles!

*hugs*

 

[KaraBulut]

Love chair:

All of the things you have said are all very normal emotional responses to a very stressful situation.

One thing that does concern me is that you don't have a support system in your life other than your Mom. You do need to get out, work, make friends and develp a more well-rounded existence. It will help take your mind off things. It will also provide other people in your life that you can talk with. It will give you other people that will be there for you when these bad things happen in life.

 

[rareboy]

Mothers only want their children to be happy.

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer some years ago, she lived for only another 13 weeks. You have to be as prepared for the fact that sometimes modern medicine cannot always cure cancer as you are to join her in the fight against the disease.

Please remember though, that this is not God pissing on your foot. It is nothing more or less than physics and chemistry and the fact that humans are pretty susceptible to cancer in this century. So don't get angry at God, or the Doctors or the Nurses who may not be able to give you a miracle.

I am sorry that you have this to go through but I believe you do have some other family members as well? As much as possible, also try to turn to them for emotional support.

You are going to have to get a job, you know. And you are going to have to complete your growing up right now. Your mother no longer needs a child to take care of full time, but an adult man who can provide a measure of security and strength in her life as well. At your age, there is something inappropriate about a man being financially supported by his mother.

Please reconsider getting more education. Even upgrading skills or getting into a trade school will be valuable. I'm sure your mother would like to know that you are going to be self-reliant. Make a plan and start getting yourself organized to get a real job with long term prospects. In the meantime, get out there and work at anything just for experience.

Next, I think you need to talk to a gay counsellor about your fear of intimacy. Again, I think you may be one of those young men who has completely romanticized the idea of their perfect love that you may have created an impossible scenario to actually find it. If you're just being lazy about it, get off your ass and get out there and put some effort into making friends.

Anger and depression are very common emotional responses for people who are coping with a major illness in the family. But they can't be the only emotions. You also need to find joy and peace during this time as well.

Our best wishes are with you and your mother.

 

[Gooey45]

Im so sorry bro.It must be devastating.Do everything in your power to make her happy and i hope that with gods help your mom comes to a full recovery.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Love Chair,

Thank you for posting mate... I'm glad that you feel that you can come here and talk... its not much but I hope the support you get here helps in some small way. And I hope the next time you feel the same way you come back here again...

Life is testing you right now thats for sure. You're facing some situations that would bring any man to his knees and its ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It takes a brave and courageous guy to admit that sometimes hes powerless and that hes getting beaten up a little. The important thing mate is that you understand that your reactions are the reactions of a loving compassionate guy... normal and definitely expected. To not cry and break down at times like this would be far worse...

Your mothers love is unlimited. Even now with her plate full and her own troubles she has you in mind. I'm sure like any Mum she worries about the small things as well as the large... but the one thing they never stop worrying about is their children. Somehow its built into Mums to put their children first...

LC... maybe its time to start to put your Mums mind at ease. Take those very steps that she wants for you... to get out, find a job and meet people. Your independence and security will be important to her regardless of the battle shes in. A mothers greatest pride is lauding the accomplishments of her children... you taking charge of your life, making your own way will fill her with a pride thats immeasurable.

And it doesn't mean leaving her side. It doesn't mean choosing you over her. It doesn't mean being selfish. It in no way means you love her less if you take steps to gaining control over your life. She will simply see a son who's strong, prepared and ready to face life no matter what. She will see a son who she knows loves her deeply and always will. She will see a son she knows will be ok.

LC... its the hardest thing to feel powerless. Its unbearable to stand by and watch a battle that you cant fight... but there are things that you can do. There are things that you can control to help your mum concentrate on her fight... Listen to her...listen closely and hear what she says to you mate. Shes telling you what will make her happy, she's telling you what she wants for not only herself but also for you. She telling you what you can do to help her.

And thats the thing to remember LC... your mum wants nothing less than the very best for you no matter what... help give her what she wants mate... the very very best you can be.

 

[Love_chair]

Hey everyone.

And everyone has a basic understanding that I should get out and find me a job that I will enjoy and start making friends. And I completely agree because I been doing some thinking and I realize that is a grate idea and will get me on the right track and open up new doors and possibilities for me. And that was actually one of my new year's resolutions for 2008 to get out there make some friends & find me a good job and I will take care of all that it's a promise I made to myself.

And (Rareboy) you asked. The question of me reconsidering going to college or anything like that. I don't think I will me getting anymore education is really not important to me unless I change my mind sometime you never know LOL. And I want to ask you a question (Rareboy) you said it would be a good idea to talk to a gay counsellor. I don't think I need to but I guess it won't hurt to give it a try I could go for a few sessions. But my question is how do I find a gay counsellor? I know I could go to a local hospital and find a regular counsellor but am not sure how to find one that's gay. Maybe a gay support group or something am not sure.

And Hello my good friend (screwnutty). It's nice hearing from you I miss our talks on MSN as well. I figured you was busy with stuff I hope we can talk again soon.

And I will be sure to keep everyone updated on how my mother is doing. I am going to keep holding onto hope and pray that everything turns out for the best.

Thanks everyone for all your advice & understanding I appreciate it.

 

[rareboy]

And I want to ask you a question (Rareboy) you said it would be a good idea to talk to a gay counsellor. I don't think I need to but I guess it won't hurt to give it a try I could go for a few sessions. But my question is how do I find a gay counsellor? I know I could go to a local hospital and find a regular counsellor but am not sure how to find one that's gay. Maybe a gay support group or something am not sure.

I think starting with a gay support organization is exactly the way to go. In many cities, they actually have qualified volunteer counsellors and in others, they have a directory of gay and gay friendly therapists and counsellors as well.

In this case, I think you have issues around your mother's health and coping with a serious illness in your family and your own sexual issues to bring to the table. Just having someone to listen and help you work through emotional issues from a more objective standpoint would likely do you a world of good.

And for all the people that think turning to external counselling and support is a sign of weakness, it isn't. It actually is a sign of strength and a positive move toward being a happier person.