I give up - Don't let this happen to you

[JayQueer]

Some of you guys know me from some of the other forums. I try to keep my personal life private but I cannot take this anymore.

I just cannot take this anymore.

Over the last several years, my life has completely crumbled. Now, here I am, in my late twenties, and I have no clue if my life is even worth living. I'm broke, thousands of dollars in debt with student loans, and I don't have any idea what my future holds, or even if it is worth living.

Several years ago, my life was different. I graduated from undergraduate college at the top of my class, and I got into the top graduate schools in the U.S. I knew exactly what my professional goals and personal goals were. Things were going well. My parents were very proud of me as well.

I think I always knew I was gay, but I was good at suppressing it. Being so deeply closeted, I don't think that I ever thought about the discrimination & challenges that openly gay people face. But I did keep a safe distance away from anyone who was effeminate or openly gay, because I didn't want other people to think I was gay too.

I have said before that I am virgin, and I have talked about "saving myself" for the right man. The truth is that I am not really a virgin. My first sexual experience with a man was not due to my choosing -- he raped me, while brandishing a knife.

Part of me died that night.

Not only did I have to face the medical consequences (HIV meds for a month, getting tested), there was the emotional aftermath, and depression that followed. In the aftermath, I was forced to confront that I was gay. Suddenly seeing the amount of discrimination and hatred that gay people endure became impossible for me to ignore, knowing that I was one of them.

My grades in graduate school plummeted and I failed multiple courses as I lost interest in them. Everything that made sense before, seemed to not to make sense. Even though there were a few openly gay & lesbian students in my class, I felt like I couldn't connect with them either. They were much more at ease with their personal sexuality and seemed genuinely interested in grad school. As for me, on the other hand, I no longer had any passion or interest in grad school.

Seeing my classmates pass me by & get their degrees and careers, made me even more depressed. My parents, who started developing health problems, blamed their stress and declining health on my failures in school.

In the midst of all of this, I joined JUB, hoping to find other people out there somewhat like me. And yet even here, I feel worthless. I often spar with several people on this site, mostly over political issues. But the truth is, I wish I was lucky enough to find someone special and have a committed relationship. I wish I was lucky enough to be one of those gay guys who seems to have everything -- a good career and future, as well as a satisfying personal life.

Instead, I'm just a fat ugly pathetic Indian gay man who at 28 has no future.

I have lost my desire to live.

I've been living with my parents (as I'm broke & in debt), but I asked to visit some relatives in Dallas. On the flight here, I literally prayed that the plane would have some kind of malfunction & crash, at least ending my misery. When I got here, I decided instead to check into a truck-stop motel in a small town in Texas. Now I sit here alone contemplating the least painful way to end it all.

Don't let this happen to you.

 

[jackoroe]

Jay, what can I say? I'm very sorry about your being raped. It's a horribly traumatic thing to endure and it changes everything forever. Just remember, you were a victim. You didn't deserve that to happen to you.

I doesn't have to end everything. You're in the same position as many. Broke and facing debt. It sounds trivial, but it's just money. If you don't have it to pay back, it isn't like you go to jail.

Go and visit your relatives. They love you and want to see you. Spend some time and decompress. Come up with plan to deal with each of your issues and get someone to talk to about your rape. Take one issue at a time, they're easier to deal with that way.

Right now, let us know your OK and then get some sleep. Things will be better in the morning and we can go from there. Promise that you'll at least give us that much time, OK? PM me if you feel more comfortable.

 

[Seasoned]

I can't presume to get into your head, but from what you wrote and how you wrote it, it seems to me that your rape is your key issue not being gay. There is possible healing from this and from that point you'd be able to come to terms with your life.

The fact that you can't see hope doesn't mean it's not there. Depression, which is treatable, fogs vision. It may not be easy, but there is a way out that does not involve taking your life.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Dude, you can get help and be healed from all of this, suicide is not the answer. Please let us know you're ok!! PM any of us, something! You're life is worth it.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm sorry JayQueer but your story changes nearly every time you post. I never know what story to believe. The only common denominator in all your stories is "pity Jayqueer."

If you want attention fine. But there are better ways to get it.

First is was your evil homophobic parents sending you back to India. Then it was evil gay men who hated you, now you were raped and traumatized.

In none of these stories have you taken the abundant advice given you to stop being a victim and take control of your own damn life.

If you are really suicidal, then get professional help - people like us can't help people who really want to end their lives. In fact you've said you were in counseling on several occasions. So what does your therapist recommend? Do that.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, I'm having difficulty buying this too, but either way I'm not gonna be kicking someone who's fallen as low as you.

All I can say is - people don't get "lucky" and start miraculously "having everything". What I have achieved, I have struggled to achieve. The boy I love, I have worked hard to be with. How I feel about myself is the result of a lot of effort put into overcoming shame and fear.

You never did any of that. You hate yourself so much (whether it's being gay, or this rape, if it ever happened, I don't know) that you can't even think for a second that those are things you could have, so you never really TRIED to get them. You just wallow in misery that you don't have them.


Well, in the end, the only thing anyone could ever tell you is - STAND UP. You have two legs. Use them. Stand up, and start walking forward.

Otherwise you've given up without ever having tried.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi JayQueer,

It is terrible that you got raped by such an extemely rude guy, and I can imagine myself very well that alot of your current problems focus around this rape.

But there are definately ways, eg counseling, to come in terms with this. Besides that, you had the courage to tell us this very private part of your private life. I tend to think that telling us that you are raped is the first step towards coming into good terms with this horrible event.

Well, and I also think you should visit your relatives in Dallas. I am quite sure that they are right now waiting on you, and that they will be happy to meet you again, and spend some time with you. Even if you are right now in a bad mood. Likely, they will understand that you currently face some personal problems.

I am just back from a holiday to India and I can tell you that I liked it very much over there. I have visted the southern part of India (Tamil Nadu, Kerala, Karnataka and Goa). It was my first visit to India, and an amazing experience.

Best wishes & take care.

 

[ebluue]

JayQueer, Don't ever give up on life. You can give up on anything but not on life.

A while back I was deeply depressed and I felt trapped. At one point, i have thought about jumping on a plane that takes me far away from my problems, from the life i'm in.

Anyway, I took up sports, swimming, running, ice skating, dancing & yoga. And it helps a lot. I'm always busy so i don't have time to be depressed. I lost some of my muscle mass from the constant aerobic exercises but i don't care, I feel good and that's all the counts.

Listen to this song - I am what I am.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4da7FNgnDxk[/ame]

That song really inspires me, I'm no longer ashamed of myself for being gay. Whenever i feel down, I keep reminding myself " Its my - world, that i want to have a little pride in.

My world, and its not a place i have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn till you can say I AM WHAT I AM -"

So who cares if you're 20s/30s/40/50s. Just be yourself and live your life, don't think of the future or stress out about it.

If you don't like being fat, go take up sports, it really does boost your self confidence and improve your appearance. And it's a great way to meet new people and friends.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

I have considered suicide in the past, but then I realize how pointless it is. We know nothing about death and beyond. Doesn't matter what some book or other says in the end we know nothing about it. You don't really know if you will be better off dead, because we just can't.

So use this opportunity to reinvent yourself. You don't like graduate school anymore, then find something else you like. Too many possibilities to list really. It will not happen over night either so be patient.

 

[62624rd]

dude, life can be a bitch sometimes but you have to hang in there. Be strong. Use Carrie underwood song "Stronger " as a motivator. If you have to take baby steps( set small accomplishments )to put you back on the right path in life.

 

[JayQueer]

One of the mods contacted me to remind me that I didn't give an update about my situation from last week.

I'm still alive.

But I'm not sure I'm ready to talk yet about the fallout from last week. I've tried to block it out since then, and think about other things, because even thinking about last week takes me to a very dark place.

I appreciate the people who responded to me, and I'm sorry that I didn't reply back.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, to be honest, I was thinking of PM-ing you myself. As much as I disagree with everything you say and are, I'd feel horrible for anyone who gets to the point of considering suicide. I'm glad you didn't do it. Now break the cycle, before it brings you back to that low point.

 

[slnattak]

Try to find the small things in life that are working in your favor, focus on them and build from there. It has to be little things though or it doesn't really work. Love to me isn't some grand gesture, it's all the little things.

don't beat yourself up over the closet/open thing, society has made gay in males be 'uncool' and 'ew' rather than something that is 'kick ass man.' so we all struggle with that, not just you but every single male on this planet. I mean no matter how much gay rights gets progressed a man and a man still can't make a family "naturally" and so that's what is weird about it, plus men suck with not being able to emotionally connect and just use me for sex.

then over time you will hopefully fall in love and enjoy being with a guy not cuz he's gay or a 'straight macho fantasy' but because you actually enjoy the person. Wouldn't that be nice? Hey, it could happen. It happens for a lot of people. Just hang in there and have some hope. Sometimes, people aren't as bad as I imagine them to be.

 

[HunterM]

Go get professional counseling. Have you done that yet?

 

[Benvolio]

It sounds like clinical depression to me. It does not nrpecessarily relate to your problems but can make a person feel worthless etc, even when their circumstances are pretty good. It is often a matter of body chemistry. I strongly suggest that you talk to a psychiatrist, an actual M.D., specializing in mental questions.
Many here would chage places with you, you have a lot going for you. Young, highly intelligent, highly educated, with your life ahead of you. It takes awhile to get used to the idea that you are gay but after that you will realize that gays have a lot of fun. I suggest you spend some time in gay bars, just watching at first. You will see that most are ordinary guys and are having fun.
Don!t tell your parents, I suggest, until you feel better about yourself.