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I got confronted at work and it is bothering me.
- Thread starter mooki33
- Start date
RicanDAB
Batteries Not Included
Mooki,
There is no age limit to coming out so don't let anyone tell you otherwise - and I think even in jest it's a source of frustration. You'll come out when you're ready (and I started to come out in January - that's when I decided that I was ready) and when you do you will know. You will come to a point where you're just sick of hiding and don't give a damn about what other people think anymore. You also have to be prepared to lose people in your life who you have known as friends - not everyone will take well to the news - the more you have been viewed as straight, the more this news is shocking to some. You may be a lucky one in that no one will care. In my case most have been fine with it, a few I noticed have distanced a bit -- but that is OK because I expected it and I move on. A year ago I would not have been ready for something like that. I still have plenty of love from the accepting and I don't need negativity.
You might want to sit down and evaluate the reason WHY you are scared for others to find out about you. One of the reasons I was scared to come out is the fear of being gay-bashed. I was afraid of walking down the street and having someone bash me over the head with a bat just because of who I am .. however, I realized this was not a legitimate fear because I can walk down the street and my being gay is not something that can be revealed by my body language or dress. I don't drive around in a car with the rainbow flag or anything either, so the only indication that I would be gay is if I was leaving a gay establishment and rarely do I do that these days. I don't express public displays of affection, and neither does my boyfriend so in that respect gay bashing is of minor concern now.
I was also afraid of being left with no friends - and this would certainly be far from the truth ... I have come to realize that those who don't accept that I am gay were not my friends to begin with and I have every right to distance myself from them as they would to me. Why am I the odd one? It does get easier and when you start to come out you feel more free and less anxious -- the feeling is amazing.
I don't go around wearing a banner saying I AM GAY nor do I go around telling everyone I know - only to those I feel closest to and would appreciate such honesty ... I don't even discuss it at work unless it is brought up .. and there is no reason that it has. I spend every Sunday with my boyfriend and stay overnight with him until Monday morning. One of my co-workers lives near me and I understand cuts through my apartment complex to buy the paper at the nearby minimart. She soometimes makes a comment that "she did not see my car there this morning" and on other occasions has eluded about my "dates" with girlfriends. Though on some level I think this is inappropriate, I handle it by not entertaining her comments. I just smile and move on - no need to clarify anything because obviously it's not her business. Unless she decides to set me up with a girl (because I believe she assumes I am a single straight playah) there is no need to tell her I am in a happy same-sex relationship.
The moral of this long story is ... avoid any discussion of your private life at work unless YOU feel it is necessary to clarify things (and even then make it short and to the point). Again, only you will know when coming out is appropriate.
JNewYork is so right - take back the power - don't let anyone else have it. You're so much stronger when you're in control.
There is no age limit to coming out so don't let anyone tell you otherwise - and I think even in jest it's a source of frustration. You'll come out when you're ready (and I started to come out in January - that's when I decided that I was ready) and when you do you will know. You will come to a point where you're just sick of hiding and don't give a damn about what other people think anymore. You also have to be prepared to lose people in your life who you have known as friends - not everyone will take well to the news - the more you have been viewed as straight, the more this news is shocking to some. You may be a lucky one in that no one will care. In my case most have been fine with it, a few I noticed have distanced a bit -- but that is OK because I expected it and I move on. A year ago I would not have been ready for something like that. I still have plenty of love from the accepting and I don't need negativity.
You might want to sit down and evaluate the reason WHY you are scared for others to find out about you. One of the reasons I was scared to come out is the fear of being gay-bashed. I was afraid of walking down the street and having someone bash me over the head with a bat just because of who I am .. however, I realized this was not a legitimate fear because I can walk down the street and my being gay is not something that can be revealed by my body language or dress. I don't drive around in a car with the rainbow flag or anything either, so the only indication that I would be gay is if I was leaving a gay establishment and rarely do I do that these days. I don't express public displays of affection, and neither does my boyfriend so in that respect gay bashing is of minor concern now.
I was also afraid of being left with no friends - and this would certainly be far from the truth ... I have come to realize that those who don't accept that I am gay were not my friends to begin with and I have every right to distance myself from them as they would to me. Why am I the odd one? It does get easier and when you start to come out you feel more free and less anxious -- the feeling is amazing.
I don't go around wearing a banner saying I AM GAY nor do I go around telling everyone I know - only to those I feel closest to and would appreciate such honesty ... I don't even discuss it at work unless it is brought up .. and there is no reason that it has. I spend every Sunday with my boyfriend and stay overnight with him until Monday morning. One of my co-workers lives near me and I understand cuts through my apartment complex to buy the paper at the nearby minimart. She soometimes makes a comment that "she did not see my car there this morning" and on other occasions has eluded about my "dates" with girlfriends. Though on some level I think this is inappropriate, I handle it by not entertaining her comments. I just smile and move on - no need to clarify anything because obviously it's not her business. Unless she decides to set me up with a girl (because I believe she assumes I am a single straight playah) there is no need to tell her I am in a happy same-sex relationship.
The moral of this long story is ... avoid any discussion of your private life at work unless YOU feel it is necessary to clarify things (and even then make it short and to the point). Again, only you will know when coming out is appropriate.
JNewYork is so right - take back the power - don't let anyone else have it. You're so much stronger when you're in control.
I guess my age and maturity has really started to show in recent years because if anyone has a problem with anything you do or who you are............ IT'S THEIR PROBLEM!!!
I have a great example of this exact type of situation. I work in a large call center and we have a rather large team. On this team I am one of the management staff, and there are 6 others who I share this title with, in various roles. We all got a new boss about 6 months ago. He decided to have all of us in salaried team meetings once a week until things settled.
In the first meeting, he asks us to tell a little bit about ourselves. So here we go, one by one, everyone tells where they are from, how long they have worked for the company, then they proceed to tell about their wives, or significant others (all of them are heterosexual BTW), children, pets, homes, etc. etc.
I happen to be the last one out of 7 people that had their turn to speak. So I say:
"I am Glen and I have been with the company for **short rambling**...........
My partner of seven years is named Fernando and he is from Brazil. He moved here 5 years ago after 2 years of an internet relationship and we love each other very much. When my eyes first met his at the airport in Brazil I knew he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, and I picture us together on the front porch in our rocking chairs together when we're in our 80's. We don't really have a daughter but we do have a dog named Bianca and she serves as our daughter. We live in our home with Fernando's mom and she loves me just like her own son."
Then I elaborate a little on other aspects of my life such as where I was born, etc. etc.
I could tell that some people were uncomfortable with what I had just said, but I didn't care. I looked at them like "I dare you to say something."
I didn't care because all of the heteros at work always talk about their day to day lives, husbands, wives, children, and everything else and, yes, it's perfectly normal. The only way people will ever get used to gay people doing the same thing is if we actually do it and stop hiding in the fucking closet. It doesn't matter if you're BI, Gay, Transexual, whatever. Stop letting society dictate who you need to be and just be yourself, be happy.
Now, 6 months have passed, our new boss respects me greatly and if sometihng happens to cause me to have to leave work or take a day off because of Fernando, then I can tell the truth and not be secretive about anything. Team cohesion is fantastic, and everyone on the team is closer because there are no tensions on that front whatsoever.
Now, anybody that that starts work there and is new on the team, I make sure they know I'm gay in the first week, but truthfully it usually happens the first day. It just comes up in normal conversation.
I won't ever go back into the closet for anyone and I certainly don't advertise my sexuality. I see it this way............
If anyone asks, I'm going to tell them point blank and if they don't like the answer I will say:
"If you don't want to hear the truth you shouldn't ask for it."
Point of post:
Don't throw your life away staying in the closet. Most people feel that everyone is going to freak out when they come out but the opposite is actually more true. Everyone I have come out to over the years, it was NEVER a big deal to any of them, and I just KNEW that all of them were going to freak out.
I wish you the best and I hope my story can help you in some way, no matter how small.
I hope happiness can be yours.
I have a great example of this exact type of situation. I work in a large call center and we have a rather large team. On this team I am one of the management staff, and there are 6 others who I share this title with, in various roles. We all got a new boss about 6 months ago. He decided to have all of us in salaried team meetings once a week until things settled.
In the first meeting, he asks us to tell a little bit about ourselves. So here we go, one by one, everyone tells where they are from, how long they have worked for the company, then they proceed to tell about their wives, or significant others (all of them are heterosexual BTW), children, pets, homes, etc. etc.
I happen to be the last one out of 7 people that had their turn to speak. So I say:
"I am Glen and I have been with the company for **short rambling**...........
My partner of seven years is named Fernando and he is from Brazil. He moved here 5 years ago after 2 years of an internet relationship and we love each other very much. When my eyes first met his at the airport in Brazil I knew he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, and I picture us together on the front porch in our rocking chairs together when we're in our 80's. We don't really have a daughter but we do have a dog named Bianca and she serves as our daughter. We live in our home with Fernando's mom and she loves me just like her own son."
Then I elaborate a little on other aspects of my life such as where I was born, etc. etc.
I could tell that some people were uncomfortable with what I had just said, but I didn't care. I looked at them like "I dare you to say something."
I didn't care because all of the heteros at work always talk about their day to day lives, husbands, wives, children, and everything else and, yes, it's perfectly normal. The only way people will ever get used to gay people doing the same thing is if we actually do it and stop hiding in the fucking closet. It doesn't matter if you're BI, Gay, Transexual, whatever. Stop letting society dictate who you need to be and just be yourself, be happy.
Now, 6 months have passed, our new boss respects me greatly and if sometihng happens to cause me to have to leave work or take a day off because of Fernando, then I can tell the truth and not be secretive about anything. Team cohesion is fantastic, and everyone on the team is closer because there are no tensions on that front whatsoever.
Now, anybody that that starts work there and is new on the team, I make sure they know I'm gay in the first week, but truthfully it usually happens the first day. It just comes up in normal conversation.
I won't ever go back into the closet for anyone and I certainly don't advertise my sexuality. I see it this way............
If anyone asks, I'm going to tell them point blank and if they don't like the answer I will say:
"If you don't want to hear the truth you shouldn't ask for it."
Point of post:
Don't throw your life away staying in the closet. Most people feel that everyone is going to freak out when they come out but the opposite is actually more true. Everyone I have come out to over the years, it was NEVER a big deal to any of them, and I just KNEW that all of them were going to freak out.
I wish you the best and I hope my story can help you in some way, no matter how small.
I hope happiness can be yours.