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I guess he's in love with me

G

gulfer

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First a warning: I don't live in the U.S. so my English isn't perfect.:wink:

I am 20 years old. A few months ago I finished my military service and moved to a different city far away from my parents to start studying. A year ago I actually started a thread here. Back then my life was a mess, when I broke up with my then-boyfriend. (And he still remains my only boyfriend to date.) Sometimes I do think about him, since the last time I saw him was when we were still together. But I am completely over him.

Only two days before I moved to my current location, I met a man. He's older than me (over 30, though he doesn't feel that old to me). We had sex and both agreed that it would be nice to meet again. We started to talk many times a week, and I admitted that I have a crush on him. And so did he.

However, we never agreed that we would be in a commited relationshp. We actually hadn't talked about the nature of our relationship at all. So, as I finally lived in a big city where I could be openly gay, I did want to have some fun. I have met new people, and I have had sex with a few men during this spring. But it has been just sex. I don't want to be in a relationship - or at least not before I find 'the one.'

For reason or another, we don't talk so often anymore. There may be even a week or two when he doesn't contact me (and I don't contact him). But when we meet, he says that he's so glad that he found me. Last week he asked me if I had found a 'young, hot boyfriend', and I, of course, said that I hadn't, since that's the truth. But I haven't told about the other men I've been sleeping with. We never agreed to be exclusive.

But then he really shocked me. He said that he has found an apartment and that he's going to move to this city for the summer. And, obviously, it wasn't a coincidence that I live here too. So basically he's moving here so that he can be closer to me.

And I was not happy about that. A relationship with him is not something that I want. I'm going to have really busy summer (I'm going to work and study at the same time), so I'll have very little freetime, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my time to be with him.

But how can I tell him that? I never asked him to move here, but I wonder if he actually thinks that we are in a deep relationship? I do care about him, even though I don't have a crush on hime anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to act like we're in a relationship. I want to keep having fun, whether he lives in the same city or not.
 
You need to tell him what you've told us. Tell him you are looking for fun and hope he didn't base his decision to move on you. Tell him you are not interested in making a commitment.

Take it from someone who's much older. When someone asks you a loaded question, like, have you met someone young and hot?, answer with another question, like, why do you ask?, or, not yet, but I'm spending all my time looking.

By the way, you're English is great.
 
Seasoned said:
you're English is great.
Click to expand...

Hihihi on that one :P

gulfer, you live your life the way you want, but it´s possible you may have sended mixed signals. Talk with him as soon as possible and tell him what you told us here.

Congrats on living your life before settling down. You need to know what you want later in life!
 
Your english is great as far as I see :)

You should tell him about your intentions and that you are not thinking of relationships for now.
Good luck :)
 
I probably have sent mixed signals. I have told that I have a crush on him, but I have never "unsaid" it. So he doesn't know how I feel now.

Seasoned said:
Take it from someone who's much older. When someone asks you a loaded question, like, have you met someone young and hot?, answer with another question, like, why do you ask?, or, not yet, but I'm spending all my time looking.
Click to expand...

I think it's better to let him know that I don't want to be in relationship at all right now. If I said that I'm trying to find a boyfriend, wouldn't that give him hope that he could be it?

I just wish there would be a good moment to tell him how I feel. It would feel to harsh to tell it via Skype or in phone conversation, but on the other hand it would be better if he knew the truth before he moves here. He'll move here next week.
 
I think being direct and honest is always the best approach because if you fear hurting him now it would be much worse if you hurt him later....that is assuming he is moving there to be close to you. I am unclear about that. Did he tell you he was moving there to be with you specifically or was it something you assumed? Maybe he wants the same thing you want? A little excitement in the city? A chance to be openly gay?
 
eastofeden said:
I think being direct and honest is always the best approach because if you fear hurting him now it would be much worse if you hurt him later....that is assuming he is moving there to be close to you. I am unclear about that. Did he tell you he was moving there to be with you specifically or was it something you assumed? Maybe he wants the same thing you want? A little excitement in the city? A chance to be openly gay?
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He already is openly gay (or actually he's bisexual). And he hasn't directly said that he's moving here because of me, but he did say that now we can meet each other anytime we want. So at least he hopes that we could be together, but I don't know if that's the only reason why he's moving here.
 
gulfer said:
He already is openly gay (or actually he's bisexual). And he hasn't directly said that he's moving here because of me, but he did say that now we can meet each other anytime we want. So at least he hopes that we could be together, but I don't know if that's the only reason why he's moving here.
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My advice...invite him to lunch and tell him where you stand and be direct. Handling this with emotional maturity with serve you both well.
 
eastofeden said:
My advice...invite him to lunch and tell him where you stand and be direct. Handling this with emotional maturity with serve you both well.
Click to expand...

I don't know that lunch is the best idea - the bottom line is that you need to express to him that you're "not in a relationship place right now" (that sounds better than "I want to have fun"), and while you enjoyed your time with him, see him as a friend and hope you guys can continue on as friends. Having to say that and then eat an entire bowl of pasta and dessert may be a bit too tense or awkward!

I'd take him out for coffee, if you're both in the same city at the same time, and if not, it sucks, but a phone call would be wise.
 
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