I Had A Fight With My Parents

[bhandsome]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Its unfortunate your parents are so ignorant and disrespectful towards you, but that's their loss. Honestly, I wouldn't want anything to do with them or their money if that continued to treat you like this.

You are more than welcome to PM me.

 

[strosbuff88]

again, it's a choice made. they're making the choice to cast you out of their lives. i can somewhat understand this, but by a measure of my friendships. due to indifference's there are people i choose not to speak to and merely have no affiliation with.

i'm sometimes reminded of that, but you must be going through so much because they are your parents. while i do not know how you can rectify this particular situation you shouldn't be forced or restricted to the attraction of one sex over the other.

yeah, you like guys. but your parents cannot seem to accept that. the one thing i wonder is how dependent you currently are? how far can you financially support yourself?

i know there are several others that have implied and stated that they suggest therapy for you, and i too am going to suggest that. if you cannot seek refuge within another, whether it be friend or family there is an issue there - because all you're doing is talking to yourself.

many campuses, including mine, offer medical services either on a sliding scale or at no cost... it's all dependent on the situation. you might want to find out if you're privileged to such services, including an on-campus therapist.

to use your words, yes... we all deserve to be happy. but sometimes we are impacted by what we are surrounded by. if your environment is becoming hostile, seek refuge!

 

[guyfromNY]

<<My dad was very subtle with telling me how things will be when I'm gone. I won't inherit anything, my house isn't mine anymore. The money I was going to live off isn't mine anymore. I won't be his son anymore I will be completely out of his life.>>

Hmmmm.. maybe I am just spiteful and mean, but that would send me into total revenge mode. If it were me, I would do everything in my power to gather up all available money as quickly as possible and get far away from these people fast.. And if they do eventually disinherit you, distribute flyers announcing your sexuality at their church/supermarket/place of work...etc...

 

[hotatlboi]

My dad was very subtle with telling me how things will be when I'm gone. I won't inherit anything, my house isn't mine anymore. The money I was going to live off isn't mine anymore. I won't be his son anymore I will be completely out of his life.

I just don't understand, none of this is necessary. I'm telling them the truth. I didn't choose to be gay. Why am I being punished for such a small part of who I am. This isn't a defining part of my character. I'm in shock. Part of me wants to be numb to everything I just lost, and the other part wants to end the pain with suicide.

While that is a pathetic dirtbag move by your dad, you have to look at it from a better perspective.

Most people don't get a huge inheritance to live off of. Besides if you had gotten that it would be years down the road. Work on improving your own life right now and don't worry about that, while preferably getting away from the toxic environment of your parents.

 

[fetaby]

I really have no friends or family in my life, they're all I have and they don't even love me.

That's not true. You also have yourself.

My dad was very subtle with telling me how things will be when I'm gone. I won't inherit anything, my house isn't mine anymore. The money I was going to live off isn't mine anymore. I won't be his son anymore I will be completely out of his life.

I just don't understand, none of this is necessary. I'm telling them the truth. I didn't choose to be gay. Why am I being punished for such a small part of who I am. This isn't a defining part of my character. I'm in shock. Part of me wants to be numb to everything I just lost, and the other part wants to end the pain with suicide.

You see this as a punishment because you have the expectation of loving, caring parents. If this isn't the way they are, believing they could be is only a waste of time and energy.

Take this as an opportunity to see them for how they really are. The world can indeed be an ugly place. BUT

That in no way should validate...

and the other part wants to end the pain with suicide.

You can live a happy and successful life without your parents if you try. It will be difficult no doubt. But it is possible.

 

[fetaby]

While that is a pathetic dirtbag move by your dad, you have to look at it from a better perspective.

Most people don't get a huge inheritance to live off of. Besides if you had gotten that it would be years down the road. Work on improving your own life right now and don't worry about that, while preferably getting away from the toxic environment of your parents.

I'd suggest higher education. If you can't afford it on your own, apply for financial aid, take loans, etc.

You'd have a room and board for a large portion of the year and you'd be able to position yourself towards a career.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry for the strong and seemingly constant reaction from your parents. I'm wondering if you have siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles or cousins and if anyone among them could offer emotional support.

Others here may disagree with me, but I'm going to offer advice that I hope would make life easier for you. By being gay, coming out to yourself and others in a hostile environment is a bit like having had an epiphany that no one else has had. Literature is filled with examples of this from the Ugly Ducking to The Boy With Green Hair. The easy way is the best way according to a lot of people and conformity means they'll be no finger pointing and no tongues wagging. Some societal units won't tolerate any expression of individuality. That is what you are facing.

It appears that you have a strong sense of self and that you exhibit a lot of bravery in your environment be it at home or at the doctor's office, and perhaps just walking around town. Bravery is two edged. It enhances self esteem and admiration from like-minded people, but allows for attacks by those who can't or won't agree with your belief system. In other words, it's the facing of harsh consequences that makes a person brave.

Some people confuse defiance with bravery. Parents have to be enlightened before they are willing to admit their children are capable of teaching them. Enlightenment can't be forced upon them. Defiance will only cause them to become more rigid. They've made it clear. They are embarrassed because they don't want to be noticed as being different.

You'll have more luck working on that from afar once you are able to leave home. Lecturing them isn't working. You might try PFLAG information, but I think they won't be at all open to it while you are there.

I had a defiant sister. She left the house and returned with different clothes, hairdo and make-up, than she wore while out. That is what I am suggesting to you. It's a lack of maturity to be embarrassed because of an association with someone else. Do you remember being embarrassed by your parents?

Make your life easier on yourself while at home with them. Stop the lectures. Call a truce. Realize that a make-up removal cloth used before coming home is non capitulation, but rather a way to make living there more tolerable.

There's enough punishment in your household already with seeking revenge. I have faith in anyone's ability to change and living well and being well adjusted will be the best revenge if they don't change.

The bottom line? You have knowledge they don't have. That is what's causing the conflict. While living with them, be true to yourself without escalating the tension. Evaluate when you are showing bravery and when you're being defiant just to get a reaction. I'd also like you to look at any anger and resentment that may be masked towards life itself for making you "different."

I don't think anyone here hates you. If you have a "chip on your shoulder" try to discover where that's coming from.

I'm available for a pm anytime.

 

[fetaby]

I graduated from a two year college last semester and I plan to transfer to a four year school with my parents help. I think I'm going to try and live on campus so I can get away from them. I wanted to live at home but I can't listen to snarky comments from them such as "I wish I could pay a pretty girl to have sex with you". I want blow up on them so bad and tell them off but it's just going to get me kicked out. It's hard holding my tongue when I'm being verbally abused in the most disgusting ways.

Then why are you?

I hate to say it, but your parents are dicks. You've told us as much. You've already said you've tried to reason with them and use logic but it hasn't worked. So now we're looking at a different scenario.

I plan to transfer to a four year school

Good

with my parents help.

----------------------------------------------------

I know it hurts. I know this isn't the way you think it's supposed to go, and you're right. But that doesn't change the way it is. We ultimately have no control over anything other than ourselves.

You can't make your parents love you, you can't make them help you. The only thing you can do is keep yourself open for them to eventually come around if they choose to do so.

MEANWHILE, you've got yourself to take care of and you've got decisions to make. It sounds as if you are still financially dependent on your parents. You need to decide if using their money is something you are going to be comfortable with doing. Cause I'm telling you right now if you do, they are going to feel as if they have purchased the right to continue to abuse you.

It's time to make moves.

 

[rareboy]

Tell them to go fuck themselves and then pack whatever you own and get out.

If they are all out of twist about a little make-up, wait till they think about you screaming with pleasure like a 50 cent whore as some stud rams you up the ass.

Seriously.

You can do better than these parents.

And why do you care about an inheritance? Or sponging off them for food and rent?

You're an adult. Get out and live like one and prove that they don't own you like they would a pet dog.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Start packing and move to the next big city.

 

[Lube]

You have to change your mindset.

There is a whole new reality you have to deal with.

It's hard, but not impossible. You will make it.

We all grow up with reasonable expectations. We expect our parents will love us. We expect our parents to pay for our education (or at least help). We expect our parents to help us financially. We expect our parents to be reasonable, intelligent, loving, and perfect.

Well, you've discovered parents aren't perfect. It's part of growing up. Another part of growing up is realizing that you are the only person in the world you can depend on for your well-being.

These are tough lessons, but we all have to face them sooner or later.

The sooner you take hold of this new reality and run with it, the sooner your life will evolve into something resembling sanity. Because right now your life is pretty insane.

You are the agent of change in your life. Take financial responsibility for yourself. Get out of that toxic environment.

Best of luck.

 

[dhchitown1984]

I'm going to agree with Seasoned here. It's easy to reply with "move away" or "yell back" or "get the f out." But I don't think thats the best move.

When I came out to my parents, my dad flipped out. I was sitting at the kitchen table and he screamed, through his finger in my face telling me I was 1) Going to go to hell. 2) Die of AIDS. 3) Be disowned by my family. 4) Suffer from this mental condition for the rest of my life. 5) Made a terrible choice. 6) I would die alone. 7) The only people at my funeral will be my three sisters and that's because they'd be obligated to be there. 8) I would lose all financial backing from my parents.... even though I was living on my own and wasn't relying on them for financial support.

It was the worst moment and I ever had with my father, but the best moment I ever had for myself.

But there's something that you need to realize: The twisted part is, your parents want what is best for you. They love you. What they don't understand is that you ARE doing what is best for you.

They are uneducated. They have an archaic mindset about homosexuality. You have to remember that our parents were graduating high school and entering the real world when Homosexuality was still considered a disease by the medical community. Everything they learned growing up was that homosexuality and have homosexual relationships was a crime. Then, when they REALLY started paying attention to the world after high school, the AIDS epidemic hit.... and it was all because of "the gay." It really shaped their entire mindset, their entire reference point and world view of homosexuality was this terrible, dark place.

We're the product of that mindset. It sucks, it really really does.... but they are scared for you. They want to "fix you" because they still think it's something that's "fixable" and "wrong."

I've found that screaming back at my father when he has his little outbursts only perpetuates the "crazy" side of my horrible disease - do I know he's the crazy one? Yes. Do I think he will completely change some day? I'm cautiously optimistic.

The other thing I'll advise against right now is jumping ship. Your parents are acting on what they've been told. If you run off and never talk to them again, you're only going to instill this lifelong teaching that gay men aren't family-centric, that you loved your family until you "became" gay and that's when you ran away. Actions speak louder than words. The absolute hardest thing I had to do after coming out to my father was to see him the weekend after I came out. I made a conscious decision to do everything in my power to defy his thought process that I would be disassociated from my family. I did that because my family was important to me, and if my father changed his viewpoint in the process, great. If he didn't, that would be his problem, and not mine.

I know it's crazy to hear this, and it's hard to believe but your parents are doing what they THINK is best for you. They're doing it out of love. They're just uneducated and unfamiliar with how normal homosexuality is. They may only be familiar with gay=drag queens and glitter. By showing them you're normal, and you're doing normal things with your life, and GOOD things with your life, their opinions may change... it could take a month, it could take a year. They're acting how they are because they love you and they want whats best for you. Return the favor and continue to talk to them, continue to show them (with action, not so much words), that you're a normal person, contributing to the world and society, and that you're going to be OK. Do that out of love for them, and because you want what is best for them.

Feel free to PM if you need to. We're all here for you.

 

[shainski]

I am so impressed with the advice you got here from Seasoned and dhchitown1984.

I know others here want you to raise a huge tantrum about this and outshout them - but that will not accomplish what you want.

As we age, most of us get more and more like ourselves. It becomes more difficult to change our ideas. We can change , but we have to want to.

You just came out. This changed your parents perception of you - and of themselves. It was shocking to them. They just want everything to go back to the way it was. But it can't go back - even if you pretended it didn't happen. But it will take time.

But shouting and leaving and removing them from your life - you lose the opportunity to influence their views. It's not an easy road - it will take a while before one of your parents begins to reassess his/her views.

Don't lead your life because you will or will not get an inheritance. It can't be worth it. But you don't need to explicitly flaunt things that they are uncomfortable with - at least not all at once.

I try to turn things around to see how you would deal with it. I can't think of an equivalent scenario. But let's say that you found out something of one of your parents that made you uncomfortable. Let's say one of them were having an affair. (Just to make it easier, let's say it was your father) (And i don't mean to imply that cheating is the same as being gay). At first you would likely be extremely upset - disappointed. Maybe you would ignore each other. And maybe - just maybe - he would start to talk to you about it, and maybe you would try to shut it out, but listen enough. Your dad says: "Son, i know you hate me, but i just want you to know, your mom and i haven't been intimate in five years. I was lonely". Your immediate reaction is to run. I don't want to hear this. But maybe you start thinking of your parents as people - with problems - with needs. Maybe it's not all your dad's fault.

Okay, let's go back to you. Your parents don't want to know anymore about your exploits than you want to know about theirs.

I think you should go to live at college. It is very difficult for most 20-somethings to live at home. College offers an opportunity to be away but not totally away. It teaches you how to live with other people - and yourself. Everyone is your age. There is so much to college that has nothing to do with academics.

It will allow to a chance for your parents to have time to miss you - and think about you - and you them.

Don't expect everything to change in a couple days. It rarely does.

It's not easy to go through this - but you will get through it. And then you will be able to offer your wisdom to others going through similar issues.

 

[Puzuzzu]

I'm in an identical situation as you, so it's a shame you don't live in monty, or I would have loved to grab a coffee with you and discussed what's going on.

 

[Spiff]

It's so appalling to see how horrible parents can be. They treat you like you have a disease or are inferior. And they flat out say you embarrass them? How awful of them. What kind of parent would do that? I hope eventually you become empowered to put yourself in a better situation.

 

[ArmorFallingDown]

Silvirain, although your parents didn't see it, it took A LOT of courage to come out, so I congratulate you. Your honesty and self-awareness is to be admired and celebrated. Don't doubt yourself. Good luck and please PM me if you need a friend! Also, I don't even have an inheritance cus we're poor so... lol.

 

[aijalon18]

First and foremost, NO ONE here hates you. People have disagreed with your other other posts but no one wants you to suffer.

And you really need to calm down. Your parents have only known you were gay for a few weeks. That is not a lot of time at all. Far too many gay people make the huge mistake of expecting their parents to be fine with their gayness overnight and when they're not they are monsters.

You have to think about it from their perspective. When people have a child they have all these hopes and dreams for what that child could be. And when a child comes out all those years of dreaming get yanked away in an instant.

Most gay people have straight parents who dont understand what it's like to be gay. For a while you need to let them have their tantrum and slowly things will get better. You have to ignore them when they say mean things and realize eventually they will come around.

You should give them a year tops. You've had most of your life to come to terms with being gay. Giving them a year isnt that unreasonable. But during that year things should be getting better.

People should not be so quick to call his parents names and pass judgment. Their reaction is common. Silverain is gonna be tied to these people forever. And his life will be better if he has their support, as opposed to not having him them in his life at all. It is important to maintain a relationship with your family b/c they are the ones who will be there for you in a pinch. But you have to work for it. It is worth it.

 

[Lube]

I agree with Aijalon that you need to give them time, but nothing says you have to do that while living with them. That sounds like a toxic environment.

 

[rareboy]

I love how my mom yells at me and says "don't act feminine, you're being a punk". I'm not feminine or masculine more in-between and it's difficult for me to act unnaturally masculine. This is driving me instance trying to act like someone else 24/7

Tell your mother you'll act more masculine if she agrees to stop acting like such a stupid cunt.

 

[palemale]

Try to spend as little time as possible at home. If you can live on campus when you go to college, all the better. When you are home, try to avoid your parents. I agree with seasoned that you should remove the make-up before you go home.

It's a terrible thing having parents who are so overbearing. Keep something in mind, however. You should not internalize any feeling of fault for being gay and telling them. I suspect they were rather crappy parents before you came out to them.

The most important thing you can do is have a happy and successful life. If your parent come around and realize they are being assholes, and apologize to you for how they treated you, great. If they cannot even muster mere acceptance, and do not want you in their life, you are better off without them. Once they realize that you are happy without them, the shame and guilt will be on them. Moreover, everyone they know will likely think their assholes for expelling you from their lives.

Are you an only child? Do you have any other relatives with whom you have a relationship.