i hate labels but..

[goldexperienced]

Its been increasingly hard to not think about what I am lately. I consider myself straight, never even considered going through with having sex, or even kissing (though i fantasize about it) a guy. Usually I can jerk off to gay porn every once and a while and the "phase" goes away, comes back every once and a while. I try and post on craigslist/adam4adam but I never go through with it.

But lately it's been racing through my mind. Even when I talk to girls, I don't find them interesting or fun to talk to (this might just be the girls I'm talking to but whatever) and it's been a long time since I've found a girl who I enjoyed as much as my last girlfriend.

And then I think about the problems I had sexually. When I was having sex with girls, I could barely get hard enough to have sex, usually needed to jerk myself off or use lube to get it up, could never use condoms because i would just go flacid. I usually just equated this to nerves, but what if I don't get sexually aroused because of my sexual orientation? When I look at pictures of girls naked, I don't usually get an erection and have to work it up to get one. Not that it instantly goes erect when looking at gay porn, but the erection and the orgasm is... different. I don't know how to describe it.

Maybe you guys can decipher what I'm trying to get across. I'm coming closer to a realization of bisexuality, but if I'm never going to attempt to be with a man, I don't really even see the point. I used to be emotionally attracted to women, but I can't even find myself interested anymore... I'm not worried about being gay, because I think I'm quite accepting of any sexualities, but it'd be nice to come to a realization.

Thanks.

 

[vforvendetta]

Experiences like yours are why I advocate for a theory of sexual fluidity, as unpopular as that may be. You want a label, then I'd consider you bisexual on the higher end of the Kinsey scale. However....it's not worth worrying over. I think part of it is that you're still not comfortable with your impulses, it'll take some time to get used to accepting that other part of you. It's a slow process for many, but in the vast majority of cases people will accept themselves given time. Do what you think will make you happy - that's really the ultimate goal of life anyway.

 

[Seasoned]

You're at the beginning of the acceptance stage that you're not like the straight guys you know. I remember that phase and it scared me because everyone else seemed to have a function and a place and I thought of myself as a freak of nature with no real partnership future.

The main thing to remember is that we live in a heterosexist society and that it was just the mid-70s when homosexuality was no longer considered a mental disorder. Imagine! Now is an accepted minority sexual orientation.

There is very little in the way of serious portrayals of gay relationships so we're left with porn which is not about shopping, visiting family, holding hands, a good-bye kiss at an airport, grocery shopping, wearing each other's clothes if we're the same size, burying a parent, going to a wedding together, buying a valentine, etc. Most of us have seen none of that so it's not in the realm of possibility. I'm here to say that after 27 years I've done all that and more, of course, very often as a trail blazer.

Don't let your doubt consume you. Give it a finite time each day if you have to and get on with life. If it takes over then therapy is in order.

Good luck to you.

 

[goldexperienced]

Experiences like yours are why I advocate for a theory of sexual fluidity, as unpopular as that may be. You want a label, then I'd consider you bisexual on the higher end of the Kinsey scale. However....it's not worth worrying over. I think part of it is that you're still not comfortable with your impulses, it'll take some time to get used to accepting that other part of you. It's a slow process for many, but in the vast majority of cases people will accept themselves given time. Do what you think will make you happy - that's really the ultimate goal of life anyway.

higher end? so your saying im more interested in guys? I don't necessarily think that is the case.

when i think about things like this, sometimes i think it may be more due to a sexual frustration. I haven't had sex with a girl in months, and I haven't been in a committed relationship for over a year. And when I was, she cheated on me, so yeah.

And during my everyday life, the gay thoughts don't even go through my head (Which i guess sounds contradictory to my original post). I don't check out guys, I don't fantasize, I check out girls, attempt to talk to girls etc. Now I guess this may sound like denial, but I find it more of a rational explanation. I could see experimenting messing up my fragile psyche even more.

 

[evanrick]

your sexuality is defined by your emotional needs.

many men have emotional and physical needs that other men can provide better than women. and vice versa.

its my belief that sexual attraction is 100% based on emotional needs, not physical ones.

i think you are at a critical phase and it may help to surround yourself with accepting, similar people, who are able to fill your emotional needs. you said you feel fragile and it may be a good idea to find something, someone, who can reinforce your sense of self.

sometimes we cant do it alone and you came to the right place.

 

[goldexperienced]

your sexuality is defined by your emotional needs.

many men have emotional and physical needs that other men can provide better than women. and vice versa.

its my belief that sexual attraction is 100% based on emotional needs, not physical ones.

i think you are at a critical phase and it may help to surround yourself with accepting, similar people, who are able to fill your emotional needs. you said you feel fragile and it may be a good idea to find something, someone, who can reinforce your sense of self.

sometimes we cant do it alone and you came to the right place.

i personally don't think this is true at all. sexual needs and emotional needs are two separate things. I don't think a male could provide me with the same thing a women could, but the sex might still be enjoyable.

If you look at history, bisexuality was prominent before it became socially unacceptable via things like religion and different cultural values. If man never became so called "civilized" we would be no different then the animals out there that take place in bisexual activities. Hell, even the ancient Greeks and Romans, who were very advanced for the time, saw it as natural and important.

I hate to be pompous, but I tend to think I'm a tad more enlightened then most close minded people out there. I like to think for myself, which is why I hate labels. The biggest problem I have now is the lack of emotion found in either sex. Sure, I haven't been in the situation where I could be emotionally involved with a male, but like I said, do I even want that? The one thing that does set us apart from animals is the ability to restrain our urges. Do I find myself wanting to have sex with men? Sure, maybe, but the gains from that may not out weigh the damage. What if I don't enjoy it, what if I'm not aroused, then I'm left much more confused and damaged. Sure some say it's important to experiment, but I do know I enjoy looking at women. I check girls out, I know what features I like in them, I find their faces much more appealing then men, and I don't think I could be in an intimate, one on one experience with a man.

Could this all just be things programmed into me to suppress these urges? Sure.

I'm sure I went in circles with that, but hopefully I explained myself well. It's a lot harder to convey emotions via the internet lol.

 

[burke67]

A bit circular yes! LOL!

Reading your last post; the "but"s scream at me that you're very unsure of your needs and wants.

If you experience something eyes wide open and feet on the ground how can you be damaged by it? You'll come out the other side with knowledge about yourself; and perhaps some answers!

Life's experiences are just that experiences... you choose whether they're damaging or not!

Humans are not above their urges; the demonization of sexual realtions by the major religions has fed us that lie.

I've nothing much to add, just the above observations!

Cheers,

Burke

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm coming closer to a realization of bisexuality, but if I'm never going to attempt to be with a man, I don't really even see the point. I used to be emotionally attracted to women, but I can't even find myself interested anymore... I'm not worried about being gay, because I think I'm quite accepting of any sexualities, but it'd be nice to come to a realization.

One thing is clear- that there's a battle going on. You have feelings. You have attractions. You've been a member here at JUB for close to 2 years.

You can analyze it. You can categorize it. You can attempt to find all sorts of hints and symbols that deny it. But that doesn't seem to be getting you closer to acceptance. If anything, these are just the instruments of the battle, aren't they?

In the world of "what if"... what if you are bi? what if you are gay? Why is that something that is so hard for you to accept and move forward?

 

[goldexperienced]

One thing is clear- that there's a battle going on. You have feelings. You have attractions. You've been a member here at JUB for close to 2 years.

You can analyze it. You can categorize it. You can attempt to find all sorts of hints and symbols that deny it. But that doesn't seem to be getting you closer to acceptance. If anything, these are just the instruments of the battle, aren't they?

In the world of "what if"... what if you are bi? what if you are gay? Why is that something that is so hard for you to accept and move forward?

i think i may be able to accept it, but what do i do about it? its doubtful ill naturally meet a guy to experiment with.. is online even a good option? that seems like it has the potential to be hazardous, so i dont even know how to go about it.

 

[TNniceguy]

I hate simple answers but what matters is for you to be you. That is why you and the rest of us are unique.

I was 30 before I had any experience with a guy (or for that matter, anyone). I don't know how social you are but I would start looking for friendship rather than the hookup. Just be cautious if you go online looking. It can be dangerous.

 

[hylas]

Sure, I haven't been in the situation where I could be emotionally involved with a male, but like I said, do I even want that? The one thing that does set us apart from animals is the ability to restrain our urges. Do I find myself wanting to have sex with men? Sure, maybe, but the gains from that may not out weigh the damage. What if I don't enjoy it, what if I'm not aroused, then I'm left much more confused and damaged. Sure some say it's important to experiment, but I do know I enjoy looking at women. I check girls out, I know what features I like in them, I find their faces much more appealing then men, and I don't think I could be in an intimate, one on one experience with a man.

Could this all just be things programmed into me to suppress these urges? Sure.

this reads like some desperate attempt to avoid facing the truth: youre gay or bi. and you know it yourself, appearantly. you say as much in that last line.

just where exactly on the gay-bi spectrum you stand (cuz you sure as hell aint straight) isnt really all that important right now. focus on accepting yourself, and stop rambling about 'do I even want that?' and 'gains from that may not out weigh the damage.' you cant argue away who you are.

come out to some of your closest friends. make some gay friends and go out to gay places. then take it from there.

 

[goldexperienced]

this reads like some desperate attempt to avoid facing the truth: youre gay or bi. and you know it yourself, appearantly. you say as much in that last line.

just where exactly on the gay-bi spectrum you stand (cuz you sure as hell aint straight) isnt really all that important right now. focus on accepting yourself, and stop rambling about 'do I even want that?' and 'gains from that may not out weigh the damage.' you cant argue away who you are.

come out to some of your closest friends. make some gay friends and go out to gay places. then take it from there.

desperate? naw, i don't think i'd be on here if i was in super denial. i just know what i'm attracted to. a few people know, like i said i discussed it with my ex gf (Who also happened to be bi) and a few friends, but i don't think itreally got me any further

 

[makeurowndstny]

How bout you try kissing a guy That may help a little bit. See if its any different than a girl. Don't go further than a kiss, just to see though. My opinion is that talking about and fantasizing is one thing, but actually doing is a different one.