I hate to even bring this up..

[mrcorbin]

Prologue: Met a great guy through a mutual friend about two years ago. Although I never really knew this, they were actually dating but didn't want to come out with it. Long story short they have been broken up for about a year and we started dating about 7 months ago. Very great guy - I truly consider myself lucky to be in his life.

But we are in an awkward phase. Jim comes from a hard working family that doesn't have a lot left over every month. Jim works hard but still owes money on school loans, old debts, etc. I come from a family that has been very fortunate and paid for me to attend years of school. Through that I make a decent income and do not have to worry about things. Although financial things do not mean everything to me, it is just hard in this phase of our relationship to make everything work. I hate to hear when money is going to be really tight for him, but I don't want to offend him by offering to pay for his personal bills. He usually never mentions it, but I have overheard him talking to his best friend about it on the phone. The last thing I want to do is offend him, but there are times I want to go to some of my favorite restaurants and not the ones that are much cheaper that he thinks I love. I feel as if I am lying to him but I don't want him to take me to a place that is so expensive. We have been dating for a while, but even before that I considered him a really good friend. He is someone that I truly love. I would do anything for him. I'm just that type of person that doesn't mind paying and buying people gifts - but the last thing I want to do is make him feel inferior. A month ago my mother invited us to dinner at a nicer restaurant, and he made a joke about the fact that we have to take my car if they have valet parking because they would laugh at his. I know he was just joking but it really made me feel bad and hurt inside. Last weekend we were supposed to attend an event together, and we were coming from different directions. I was already there and he was to arrive soon. He calls me upset saying that he just realized some bills were due and that he barely had enough to cover them and that he was unable to justify driving over an hour to hang out with my friends. I offered to pay for drinks, food, hotel, etc. when he got here and he said that he didn't want for me to take pity on him. I know that gas money was part of the problem, but it would have been $40 bucks max and I would have paid that any day just to get to see him and have him meet some of my best friends. It really ruined my day because it was a lot of my college friends and their wives/husbands and here I was by myself. Everyone was looking forward to meeting him but he never showed up. I hated to go out and have fun with my friends and spend money carelessly when he was at home stressing over bills - but at the same time I haven't seen some of these people in over a year and wanted to hang out with them. He knew it was bothering me and sent me a message saying how sorry he was and that he just couldn't afford it. When I offered to pay he said that only made him feel like a mooch. I was more upset with the situation and that he felt like he had to apologize to me.

OK I think you get the point. I love this guy but we aren't to that point where we can share income, and I know that he is not after me for money. At the same time I want him to enjoy things that I have been able to and not stress over money.

Any advice? Please don't think I am trying to flaunt anything -- this is something that is really bothering me. Whenever I try to mention anything about cost/money he just changes the subject. I think he doesn't want me to think he is just trying to get my money, but I just want the both of us to be happy and secure.

Thanks!!

 

[fbhwes]

Wow i can't believe i'm gonna say this if it's truly love then just as he would expect you to accept the fact that he does not have well to do means it's just as important for him to understand that you do . And that in and of itself is a give and take. Which means it can't always be just his way and if that means you paying for stuff so you two can be together then i think that is the most important thing. On the flipside if it really is a sore spot with him you just may have to compromise and not do some of the things you'd normally want to do when your together. I'm aware the ego can sometimes be a fragile thing. But it's basically you sharing with him that part of yourself

 

[KaraBulut]

Money is an issue for all couples- gay, straight or any combination.

For gay couples, it can be very emasculating when one makes more money than the other. Even in 2010, it is still hard to shake the belief that the "man" is the one in the relationship who pays the bills.

Since the two of you are not living together and don't share expenses, it's not really appropriate at this stage for you to help support him. His money issues are his money issues. You also have to be careful not to add to his financial woes by expecting him to keep up with you on discretionary spending.

He also needs to swallow his pride a bit and be up-front when money is an obstacle for him.

It's time that you had a heart to heart talk about the issue. Tell him that you enjoy eating out at both inexpensive restaurants and fine restaurants but that you feel guilty about the additional cost. Come to a reasonable compromise- maybe you pay when you pick the restaurant and he pays when he picks the restaurant?

And if there's ever another event that he can't afford to be at, it's up to him to tell you in advance so that you both can figure something out. In that case, it would have been perfectly reasonable for you to pick up the costs, including a tank of gas, since you had invited him.

This is just one of several very common issues that come up in relationships. They're a test of openness and communication for both parties. There's never an easy answer- you just have to both agree to be able to discuss the issue without trying to equate money to power over or control of the relationship.

 

[fetaby]

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

Talk about what you want in your life, to do with your life, where you want to be and where you are, and have him talk about those things also.

Get a clear idea of what money means to each other. Living paycheck to paycheck is a way of life for many people and breaking the mentality that life has to be that way can be worrisome.

But most important is to communicate your feelings for him, and to build the trust between the two of you. Right now it seems he's looking at two things, your love for him and his insecurity about the future and between the two fear takes precedent.

 

[mrcorbin]

Thanks for the comments guys. We went to dinner tonight after he got off work and before I had to go to work. We barely touched on the subject and I just tried to be supportive and let him know that I look up to him for choosing a career path that can be very rewarding, yet not extremely lucrative. We talked about the mishap with the weekend get away and he was very apologetic and made a few comments that made me understand why he decided not to join us. I still feel bad about things, but I think we are working on it.

Kara - you bring up an excellent point. We have always been independent people and have never established any "roles" in the relationship. Neither one of us cares to be the stay at home husband or to conform to any "social norms" of who does what in the relationship. I have never tried to convince him to buy or spend what I spend on things, and if I know something is more than normal I try to always pay for it. If I want to eat somewhere I pay usually. Thanks again for the advice.

We agreed to discuss the matter Thursday night on our usual date - so we will see!! Thanks for letting me vent and get a few things off my chest!

 

[Eagle653]

Let us know how it goes. This is a tricky subject any way you slice it. Talking it over, and keeping the lines of communication open (and honest) is, by far, the best approach. There's no perfect answer nor strategy, really. Each couple has to work out the boundaries and ground-rules that works for them. Sometimes it might involve him swallowing his pride and letting you treat if it's important to you; sometimes it might involve you not doing something or going somewhere that's too expensive.

What's really neat about you two is how sensitive you both are to the other's feelings. That's probably the core of a great relationship. I hope so. You both deserve the best in each other! Good luck!

 

[seven_sins]

From your OP, I get the feeling that you are a really sensitive guy who has the best interests of your friend in mind. If you weren't, you wouldn't be posting here. I think you should confide these things to him. I think it would help to solidify your relationship. Talking and being open with someone is the best route and I would take that route if I were you. Good luck.

 

[mrcorbin]

Hey guys - we are (thankfully) having a slow night at work so I had a chance to read replies.

Eagle: thanks for the response! We try to communicate everything - and even times when I know it doesn't bother him that I do pay, I just feel bad because to me the amount we spent on dinner was not a big deal, but I know he could use that money to pay debts, etc. This is our first Christmas together -- and although I can limit what I purchase, I know my mother will go crazy. Whenever I bring anyone home for the holiday season she buys more gifts for them than she does me. I joked with him about attending Christmas with my family because it was going to be a whole production, and he just made some comment about "well his Christmas with his family will be nothing like that". I wished I could have taken back what I said - but I never meant it to be offensive. UGH!! This is just complicated! It has never been as big of deal - but this guy really means a lot to me and we are getting more and more serious to where it does matter. I'm not worried about impressing him -- I'm more worried about offending him.

Seven: Thanks for the response. I'll let you all know how it goes after Thursday... we are going to the local pub to eat and have a few drinks... the conversation is set on the agenda -- maybe the drinks will help

 

[shainski]

Wasn't there a "Friends" episode about this?

seriously, i've been there (Actually, i've been on both sides). Not knowing how i was going to juggle things to pay the rent and bills. It's very difficult - and then to not feel like i was taking advantage of someone - i would just withdraw from some occasions where it meant i didn't have to spend the money.

I knew eventually, my career was going to take me where i wanted to be...but i had a few rough years getting there. (To give you an idea, i moved to a different city after college - on my own. I couldn't afford a car. In those days, it seemed that every utility required a deposit for an out-of-towner : phone, gas, electric). Credit cards were hard to get (other than the gas cards). I would take the bus, ride my bike - or even hitch hike (they were different days!).

I would not have liked someone else paying for everything. However, you could work on a kind of quid-pro-quo. I would try to make sure a lot of your socializing doesn't require expensive events - so these events don't pop up on a weekly basis.

When you do decide to pick up the tab, make a big deal about how you would like to pay him back for something he has already done (if he makes dinner, or whatever, just keep a mental note of those things he does)

and i agree about talking. You are very sensitive to his feelings. so talk about your feelings and his.

good luck

 

[fetaby]

I'm not worried about impressing him -- I'm more worried about offending him.

But that's not something you can really control is it? All you can do is proceed with some caution.

The ball is really in his court, all you can do is be receptive to what he feels and what he's willing to do. It sucks but that's the way it goes.

Put yourself out there for him, and hopefully he'll see you and not the unevenness of the situation.

 

[mrcorbin]

A little late night update for you guys...

So we had a good and a bad day. This morning (4am) I get a text from him saying that he knows we need to talk about some things and that right now he feels like we are fighting because we are ignoring the elephant in the room and he doesn't want it to be that way. I thought that was really sweet and agreed to cook dinner at my place tonight since I had the night off. He said that sounded great. I was sooo excited to get this over with and put behind us. I start to cook dinner and what happens.. pager goes off. I have to freaking go to work. I go in and work for a few hours and see that I might get a bit of a break. I texted him around 9:30 and asked if he wanted to meet me at a local place while I grab a bite to eat before I have to go back to work to finish up some charts. He responds with "I already ate.. and in my PJs". So things didn't go so great today.. but for sure Thursday we will have the talk!

Thanks Shainski for the reply. I have never been on the opposite side so I honestly don't know how it feels. Thanks for the advice -- you gave me a few ideas -- I will try them out on Thursday and let ya know how it goes!!

Thanks fetaby.. I will let y'all know on Friday!!

 

[fetaby]

He says it feels like fighting because of the way he was taught to think about money.

That elephant in the room is definitely getting cornered Thursday?

Looking forward to reading the update.

 

[mrcorbin]

Feta, etc. (those who even care) the plot thickens. We are actually now broken up over the situation. I'll explain further when I have time (should be tomorrow at some point).

Thanks for those who care..and just keep me in mind. This really sucks for me -- but I can't control the situation at hand.

I can't say that I am completely surprised. I don't think reality has set in yet... I'm pretty bummed but tomorrow should be a rough day. Keep me in your thoughts please.

 

[altlover85]

I hope you feel better mrcorbin and I hope that you guys get back together if that's what's best for both of you.

 

[fetaby]

Feta, etc. (those who even care) the plot thickens. We are actually now broken up over the situation. I'll explain further when I have time (should be tomorrow at some point).

Thanks for those who care..and just keep me in mind. This really sucks for me -- but I can't control the situation at hand.

I can't say that I am completely surprised. I don't think reality has set in yet... I'm pretty bummed but tomorrow should be a rough day. Keep me in your thoughts please.

Ugh, that blows. From the way it's written, it sounds like he gave you the ax. Tells me he just isn't ready to change. For some, poverty is all they have and the pride from it is what keeps them going. I may be off but that's my impression.